A Year of Daily Practices

With only three full days left in the year, I feel compelled to look back at 2014 and find the gems and lessons in the changes and challenges life brought me this year. It is easy sometimes to just assume that the whole year was rough with what happened to my dear mom in August, but when I take time to reflect and live in gratitude, I see each month and what I learned and how I grew and I see how much progress my mom has made in her healing only 4 and a half months since her cerebral hemorrhage. And I know how incredibly lucky she is to be alive and how extremely fortunate I am to have my wonderful mom here in my life.

When major events happen, it's sometimes easy to forget about all the prior good fortunes and all the blessings within the major event. Through reviewing my daily practice posts from each month this year on this blog, I am reminded of my 12 focuses this year which each helped me create positive habits everyday in unique ways and helped me grow into who I am today.

After what I've been through this year, I probably would be in a very different place emotionally had I not practiced positive habits almost everyday this year. And I fell into the business of daily practices almost by accident. I had the intention to meditate every morning which I did and I had already created a vision board in the previous year, but late last year I was invited by a friend to participate in a Fun-A-Day challenge by doing something creative every day in January, and this began my daily posts on my blog. And when January ended, I felt so great from focusing on creativity every day of the month that I decided to continue a daily post and practice in February. As each month came to a close this year, I enjoyed brainstorming different topics of self-development that I'd been meaning to learn more about and focus on. 

In all, even when I wasn't able to post every day, I learned that as part of the practice of self-love and compassion, I could go back and post for the days I missed without feeling like I'd failed or like I should give up for not following the "rules" correctly. After all, it was my uniquely created daily (or almost daily) practice and I wasn't doing it for anyone else but myself. I could make up my own rules and show myself the utmost kindness and respect for taking on this kind of challenge to improve my wellness.

It's been a great way to practice being imperfect and vulnerable and own my goodness just as I am, because I learned and affirmed that I'm enough and my rules and unique ways of doing things are just fine. And I'm okay with just fine. I'll take fine over perfect any day if it means I'm healthier, calmer, less stressed, more peaceful, having more fun, and overall happier.

I plan to create a collage or piece of art or photography for each monthly focus from this year and share it here on my blog, both as a sort of virtual keepsake visual of what I learned this year and to share with you and maybe even inspire others to commit to one thing everyday for a whole week/month/year--you make the rules so it has to work for you. (Isn't that liberating?)

For now, I'm going to review each month with a quick phrase or sentence about the area I focused my independent studies on.

2014: My Year of Daily Practices

January - It all began with a commitment and intention to be more creative and do something creative to share with others everyday!

February -Then came a more inside job of studying abundance and learning that abundance comes from within, from our viewpoints, from our beliefs.

March - Focusing on loving myself and showing myself compassion set the tone for the rest of the year and freed me from the chains of perfectionism.

April - I focused on really figuring out what grace means to me and how to live a grace-filled life.

May - Without even knowing it, I set out to let go and release this month and by the end of the month, I was moving onto a new job after almost 7 years at my last job. (Excellent serendipitous preparation!)

June - I decided to really explore my goodness so I could recognize it and own it more freely and feel better about myself and more confident.

July - I explored having more fun by adding more zest and zeal in my life, which had been one of my intentions for the year and something I was struggling with still.

August - Again without knowing what would happen midway through the month, I focused on forging faith and boy did I need all the faith I could get this month. (One of the hardest months of my life.)

September - Once the scariest part was past me with my mom's emergency brain surgery came the beginning of the recovery--for both my mom and for me, so I chose to focus on soulful soothing which I was craving to my core.

October - As the weather got colder and the days began to shorten, I focused on adding more coziness to my days in a creative way.

November - In theme with Thanksgiving and with all that was happening in my life, I decided to write about gifts of gratitude this month.

December - And finally, last but not least, I've been focusing this month on being more deliberate in my dreaming, more specific and more honest and delighting in the process.

What a year! A year filled with challenging times but also with so much inner strength and wisdom gained--creativity, abundance, self-love, grace, surrender, goodness, zeal, faith, soothing the soul, coziness, gratefulness, and dreaming--oh my!

Making Art From the Bits and Pieces

I feel like expressing myself through art. Creating a collage seems to exude a certain quality of ease and grace that I don't know if I can recreate in words. I'm thinking of the many life lessons from this past year, although my collages tend to have a life of their own, as I let the words and images I find lead me to creating a unique piece. Let's see what happens.

That felt good. I realized in looking at my collage book today that I hadn't created a collage in it since October. No wonder I've been out of sorts. Never mind stress and some chaos in my life. No matter what, I need to create! It's where my inspiration for new ideas ignites. It's where I find relaxation. It's where I feel most comfortable. It's where I feel I'm in the flow of life.

Is there something you've been neglecting that you love to do? Is there any way you can do that thing for just a few minutes today? Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Here are some of my other collages on health, wellness, and creativity from this past year of making art from the bits and pieces.

Looking back at the pictures I've taken from this year, it reminds me of how I started my collaging craze. Ironically I had already been collecting pieces of paper with words and images that I liked to add to a collage someday when I started collaging, and I created a vision board a year and a half ago which is a similar style to my collages. But I think it started first, after participating in the Fun-A-Day challenge in January where I created something everyday, but also after going to the Edmonds Art Walk and discovering that collage art is a recognized art form even in galleries, called mixed media art. I have been a fan of Kelly Rae Roberts' mixed media art for some time now. But I guess I never really thought I could create art in that same realm. It has been so rewarding to not only create a book of different collages that I've added to throughout the year but also inspire others to start their own collaging craze. One good friend started collaging her closet door! I have absolutely loved sharing space and time with friends and colleagues to create art together. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to lead collage sessions at two different colleges on professional development days also.  

This year has definitely been one of creating and sharing! I wonder what 2015 will hold for us. :)

Reverence for Life and Light

As life becomes harder and more threatening, it also becomes richer, because the fewer expectations we have, the more the good things of life become unexpected gifts that we accept with gratitude.   

~Etty Hillesum, An Interrupted Life

On being light:

Back towards the end of October, I started writing the word "light" on the palm of my hand to remind myself to be lighter in spirit and not feel things that happen as heavy but rather to "lighten" my load. I really like how this short and sweet one-syllable word, "light" can be used as a adjective, verb, or noun. Each has different meanings but both generate feelings of relief and hope for me. 

Google defines light with terms like:

radiant energy

something that makes vision possible 

source of illumination

brilliance

luster

dazzle

glowing

shining

luminescence 

Through this palm reminder, more often than not, I decide to choose light. I choose to embody more lightness into my everyday activities, to bring more light to my world, to seek light in every experience and circumstance. LIGHT is a very powerful and positive trigger word for me and yet so simple and beautiful, isn’t it? 

Recently one morning I read a piece from the excellent book, Self-Care for Life, on ease. And so I wrote the word “ease” on my other hand. Light and ease may just be two of the keys of opening my soul’s window to more joy and peace and love.

On having reverence for life:

Speaking of opening up, sometimes it takes feeling a wall inside of me to realize I need and desperately want to open back up my heart. I am a feeling person by nature and when I can't feel fully, I become stifled and I'm not honoring my true self. I feel out of the flow and joy of life. I feel off somehow. 

But from time to time, a protective shield or wall builds up in my heart, sometimes after a traumatic event, but most often, I'm realizing, after chronic stress, fatigue, and/or prolonged absence from my true calling of creativity. 

Thankfully when I most need it, gifts arrive. Last week I was randomly selected to attend an inspiring weekend event hosted and created by the amazing Oprah Winfrey. In these gifts, I often find time to reflect, to feel, to be in awe, to feel inspired, and to become aware of any protective walls that may be up and begin to embrace my yearning to open up and take those walls down. 

At Oprah's Life You Want Weekend event, I felt moved many times but at first I could feel some resistence. And I know from past experience, mainly last year when I attended the inspiring Jennifer Pastiloff's manifestation yoga class, that when I feel that resistence to inspiring wisdom and reflection and don't react in my natural state of feeling moved to tears or moved to inspiration and creativity, I know something is up. Quite literally. A wall. Built up slowly. But to protect my big heart. The window to my soul and spirit. I'm ready to keep this beautiful window open and let the light shine in, let it sparkle and dazzle with its brilliance.

So here are some life-changing take-aways from a weekend with Oprah Winfrey, Liz Gilbert, Rob Bell, and IyanlaVanzant that I think will help me keep my heart open and let more light into my soul:

1. Stop and put my hand on my heart to take a deep, rich breath in and feel grateful for this life
2. See beauty in nature and almost automatically say this phrase to myself, “reverence for life”
3. Imagine and write out my vision
4. Reread my vision for the Life I Want everyday as a new part quite possibly of my daily reflective practice
5. Feel a part of a greater community of spiritual women, all aligned with a similar purpose of living life to the fullest and with gratitude in our hearts

What makes your heart open and let light in?

Even Superwoman Takes Breaks

Here is a piece I wrote back on October 21st that I haven't had a chance to post yet on the importance of taking breaks, AND not feeling guilty about it. It's an important topic that I need to remember.

I think a really important lesson in life for me is learning to take time to recharge and refresh without feeling guilty. Learning to put myself above work needs or others' needs is a real challenge for me but it is also so important to learn.

I used to work with a smoker who would escape every few hours for a smoke break and I remember having an epiphany one day to take non-smoking breaks--quick breaks outside to breathe in the fresh air or take a few moments to stretch and refresh myself.

In my new workplace, there don't seem to be any smokers so the reminder to take my non-smoking breaks hasn't been quite as apparent. But my body reminds me. My restless, creatively energetic spirit reminds me, if I remember to tune into my own channel and listen within.

It's like what I practiced in my art journaling class last week with Brene Brown--permission slips. Giving myself permission to rest. To take breaks. (I'm writing this on my phone and the autocorrect keeps changing "breaks" to "breaths" which is very insightful for a smart phone, don't you think?) 

I bet even Superwoman takes breaks!

There are little ways to take breaks throughout the day too. I just stirred my coffee and then saw a pretty swirling design in the reflection of the coffee. It's the moments of mindfulness throughout our days that make life more beautiful. Life is always beautiful, it's always waiting for us to notice its immense beauty in the seemingly simple things. Well, I don't think life is waiting but our souls are waiting for us to notice all the beauty around us. 

Like this morning, a rainy morning, a bit dark still when I left for work, and yet I saw a beautiful reflection on the wet road that the red stoplights made. It's how we look at everyday things. How we choose to see them. How we change our focus and give ourselves permission to take the time to enjoy our surroundings and gaze at the beauty before us. That is what helps rejuvenate my soul.

Permission to Choose Positive Thoughts

Today I began an e-course through the Oprah LifeClass series with Brene Brown. I am so grateful for this opportunity to re-visit Brene's amazing book, The Gifts of Imperfection (which I listened to in the car earlier this year after my mom gave me the book CD for Christmas) and express myself and my self-care exploration through art. I have admired art journaling, where the creators mix paint with collage and photos and now I'm finally doing it! I don't know when the last time I used watercolors, but I'm so glad I am doing it now. It's not intimidating at all once I get started, but for some reason, the thought of painting sounded messy to me before. Well, as Brene instructed us, I'm here to give myself the permission to get messy! Here is how I started out, with a blank page:

And here is my first creation on giving myself permission:

Then we were instructed to take a selfie with the following written on our hand, as a pledge to the process of loving our imperfect selves, I'm imperfect and I'm enough!

When I read the instructions to print out the photo, I felt a little push-back because I didn't want to go to the trouble of ordering a print from the store and going to pick it up. But luckily I remembered that we have a printer with some ink and I just printed out the picture I took. Voila!

For the final piece of the class, I wrote the names of people who I can be my imperfect self with and know I'll be loved for being me.

Over the next week, I'm going to think about courage, compassion and connection--the three keys to living wholeheartedly, talked about in Brene's book. I'm going to give myself permission to have fun, dream, try new things, make mistakes, love myself, be goofy, follow my own path, get messy, be my true self, and choose positive thoughts.



I'm going to affirm that I am imperfect and I am enough. That I am an artist by my own definition and on my own terms, and I have fun creating. I enjoy taking time for my self-care and wellness. I love exploring. And I'm lucky to have people in my life who love me no matter what, who love me for all my quirky, goofy, funny, perfect imperfections.

Remembering to Go To My Other Job Too--My Passion Project

I quickly sent an email to myself today and saw the little blurb at the bottom of the email that I created at the beginning of the year to really identify what I do with not only my paid profession but also my passion project, my purpose. I put: Certified Dependable Strengths Instructor, Creative Stress Management Blogger, and then my paid profession as an advisor-pre-college basic skills advisor earlier this year and now a college advisor for parents receiving cash assistance from the government.

Just being reminded of my forward thinking from earlier this year in naming what I really want to be "when I grow up," what I want to do much more of eventually, really helped me begin to detangle the funk I've been feeling over the last few months. I haven't been showing up for my passion jobs. I've been absent and I haven't been paying myself with the gift of balance and peace and inspiration that comes with following your dreams and making them actively happen, whether you get paid yet or not. 

I don't have to wait for some day, I want to lay the groundwork and get started now. And I have. I began doing this last summer when I started writing here regularly. Committing to bringing you a new blog post every week. Well, the past several months I have taken family leave to care for my wonderful and inspiring mom, who has always encouraged me to be creative. I am grateful beyond what words can express for her recovery and healing. 

As she moves forward, so must I. I know what I need and want to do next too. I want to submit some of my blogs to more well-known blogs to see if I can be a guest blogger. I intend to create the curriculum and pilot a workshop combing my love of collaging with the Dependable Strengths identification process. I am signed up for a 100-hour life coach training course to start in January. And I just registered for Brene Brown's e-course on art journaling based on her insightful book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

I used to view these ideas or projects or extracurricular activities of mine as mere hobbies, but now I see that they are part of both my personal AND professional development plan. They help shape me as a person, a writer, a creator, a facilitator, a coach, and someday soon I hope and pray as a mom--the most important profession I'll ever have.

So if you've been toying with an idea for awhile and don't know quite how to get started or take the leap, start by naming it. And identifying yourself with this dream, as if you're already doing it. The universe will respond in incredible ways and before you know it, you'll be already doing more of what you love. And that's what it's all about.

Finding the Cozy in a Soggy Day

As the marvelous, complex fall season approaches in Seattle, I find myself noticing how crisp and beautifully clear and colorful some days are and then I turn around and see rain and gray the next day. My hypothesis though is that if I pay attention to all the crisp days, then maybe there will be more of them than it seems. But then I get to thinking about all the rainy days. I had originally thought to call these days "soggy," but the language we use and tell ourselves is so important for our overall outlook in life. Lately I have found myself reading and hearing a lot about a benevolent universe, and I think it's making a positive difference in my subconscious and conscious thoughts today. "Cozy" is a much better word and invokes warm and soothing indoor activities in my mind and in my memories.

So ask yourself: is today (or this moment) crisp or cozy?

Here’s my Crisp or Cozy Challenge for this fall: 

• Record which days of fall are crisp, sunny days or have crisp sunbreaks and relish in the gifts of light and shadows.
• Then also appreciate the cozy/soggy days. These days are especially great for staying in and reading, resting, going through clutter, doing arts and crafts, drinking wine with loved ones, catching up with friends, etc.

“Surrender to what is. Say 'yes' to life—and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”  
~Eckhart Tolle

Gratitude is the Flashlight in the Cave

When I think about discomfort and emotional pain or angst, probably one of the worst culprits is self-criticism or self-judgment and not feeling adequate or being almost paralyzed by the fear of disapproval and what others will think. When I'm grounded and well-rested and have exercised the daily stress away, I can handle these fears with grace. But when I'm tired, scared, feeling alone, not knowing what to do or how to manage it all, and not having enough time to do my very best, I cave. I literally feel like I enter a cave of darkness, and pessimism and self-loathing take over my being. The only physical remedy when I'm so far into this cave is sleeping it off, or walking it off, but with a close friend so my thoughts won't wander off course and venture down Worry Lane anymore.

When I'm in that cave, I begin to have irrational thoughts of inadequency, that I'm not doing a good job, that I should be able to do better. I also wish my way into a darker corner of the cave, wishing circumstances were different, that I could win the lottery, that I could take time off and care for my dear sweet mom, who is recovering from a cerebral hemmorage of her cerebellum and is now home after a month in the hospital.

But that cave and those down-spiraling, de-centering thoughts don't help me feel stronger or more capable or more resilient. They only focus on what's wrong and not on all that's going well and all that there is to be grateful for. Gratitude is the flashlight in the cave. One of the only surefire ways to see my way out of the darkness. That's really what sleep and dreaming and walking and good company bring me back to: gratitude. 

So when you feel in despair and don't know what to do or don't know how you could possibly overcome all the obstacles or hardships turning you closer to the dark cave of self-criticism and negativity, try to combat that darkness with the light of gratitude. When I'm really deep into that cave though, this can be extremely difficult, but try to at least acknowledge the beauty of your surroundings or the love you feel for someone, the air you're breathing, the time--however short that you're taking to think of something to be grateful for, because the very starting of this change in view is key, and it's definitely a practice, not something that comes naturally when you're feeling overwhelmed. I wish it were, but practicing is a big part of life--it teaches us resilience and perseverance, the ability to develop more deeply what we decide to practice.

Living a more grateful life more often takes a lot of practice but you're almost guaranteed to feel better and filled with more light as a result. It guides us lovingly out of the cave of despair. And that's something to be very grateful for.

Finding the Shiny Bits Underneath the Pain

My body always finds a way to slow me down and give me rest.

I can't say quite yet that I'm grateful for my good ol' monthly pain reminder--I think I'm not quite that spiritually evolved--but I can say that it has great power in forcing me to rest and try to relax, or the pain will be exacerbated. Yesterday I learned that my amazing mom would be transferred to a rehabilitation center today. I have been going to the hospital to see her everyday since that scary day nearly two weeks ago when she passed out. 

Many have told me, including my mom, to have some fun and take care of myself, but I really was at a loss for how to do that, even though I have focused this very blog on wellness and self-care-related topics for over a year now. So now as I sit here waiting for one of my mom's cats to come home, who is not cooperating, and feel that familiar annoying pain again, I am trying to stay in the moment, breathe, enjoy the much needed time to rest, be with my mom's other kitties and keep them company, watch an exciting 20-year old movie (Speed--can you believe it came out 20 years ago?!), and be patient. And funny thing, aren't those some of the key ingredients to taking care of myself? 

So as I learn to show gratitude even for the times when I am in pain, I also recognize some of the lessons hidden among the folds of pain. I learn over and over again to focus on the moment, focus on my breath, focus on the importance of resting and not overdoing it, focus on the love of animals and nature, focus on simple enjoyment, and focus on practicing patience. 

After reflecting on all the lessons available in pain, I am starting to warm up to the idea of feeling a bit of gratitude for this monthly reminder to focus on myself and my body and my good. This could actually be a helpful exercise when facing any hardship or frustration. Look underneath the obvious discomfort and find the shiny lessons and wisdom to be gained from the experience. And remember, once learned doesn't necessarily mean you'll remember the next time. This is an exercise, like gratitude, that must be repeated regularly. 

What shiny wisdom can you find underneath your pain or discomfort?

Trying to Be Brave and Not Beating Myself Up When I'm Not

When did it become the ideal to show a tough face and not show any real emotions when your mom's having a health crisis? Isn't it just as wonderful to see how very much someone loves the person who is in crisis and how they let their emotions flow and their love surround that person? And wouldn't it be cool if your tears were interpreted as a sign of strength? Wouldn't it be neat to be applauded for how well you're dealing with a crisis by how much you're releasing your emotions and being okay with them, not fighting or repressing them?

I never imagined that these past 7 and a half months of daily practice would be preparing me for such a crisis. But a week ago tomorrow, my mom passed out and was rushed to the ER and then rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding in her brain. All my daily stressors seem so trivial when I think of the amount and kind of stress I've been under these past 7 days. But I also mustn't undermine my feelings or make comparisons like that, because stress is stress. And although I'd love to rant about how much I hate stress, that's not accepting that it exists, that it's a part of each of our lives, and that the best possible thing we can do is learn to accept what we're feeling when we're feeling it and then let it pass. 

Trouble can come when we don't let that stress pass through and it gets stuck somewhere inside us. As I learned in a meditation retreat I attended 3 years ago, act as if you're a maître de and usher it in, letting the stress pass right by you. Of course in my case, at the present time, the stress can't exactly pass right by--instead it's looking at me straight in the face, but I can at least recognize it, honor it, accept it, give it a hug, and then let it pass through me or breathe it out. If I reject it or pretend I'm not feeling it or act as others expect me to act or want me to act, then I'm not honoring my experience nor my feelings nor my reaction or response to given event, and I'm also not letting the stress pass through me. 

So I'm here to say that this is rough. I wax and wane. I'm not always strong. Sometimes I'm a wreck. It pains me so much to see my mom in pain. I hate leaving her every night, but I'm so so grateful for her excellent care in the ICU and I'm so so thankful for each and every baby step she makes towards recovery. I am proud that my love for her is so big and strong that it tears me up to see her suffer. I am glad I have the ability to express my feelings and not feel inclined to bottle them up and file them away inside me. I choose to release my emotions by expressing them and sharing them. I am so fortunate to have the love and support of my mom's many friends and our family. I am so honored to be this amazing and courageous woman's only daughter.

Blessings in Every Hurdle

August 6, 2014

I find myself asking, "What's wrong with me?" this morning as I lounge on the couch and am not motivated to do anything very productive. I hear the answer almost immediately, "You're tired, Marita." "You're exhausted. You're kind of burned out." My body has a way of slowing me down when I get caught up in the busy-ness of everyday life and forget to stop and rest and recharge enough. 

I took today off because it has been 2 years to the day since I had my open surgery. The surgery that cured my Nutcracker Syndrome and eventually, although it took way longer than anyone had anticipated because of an open wound aka. Sparkle, healed the chronic pain I had been living with in 2012. I was lucky though, doctors found a reason for this pain relatively quickly and I had the surgery eight short months after my first big pain attack occurred. Some people live for years with such pain. :(

As I typed this last paragraph, my mind flashed back to a pretty road on Whidbey Island where Geovanny and I visited on our first day trip together three years ago Sunday. :) I remember the excitement of new love and just beginning to get to know what a wonderful person this man is, this man who is now my husband. 

Young love on the ferry back from Whidbey Island, August 3rd of 2011 :)

I am moved to tears when I think of the incredible gifts I have received. I have jumped over a lot of hurdles but I am so blessed! For every hurdle, I believe there are at least five blessings wrapped up in it. As long as I take the time to see the little sparkly blessings, I know it's all been worth it.

On a day like today, I feel lucky to be able to get up out of bed on my own. (Tears again.) I feel lucky to take a shower. I feel lucky to eat almost anything I want and feel hungry when my body needs food. I feel lucky to walk upright. Lucky to go for a hike later today--my post-op-iversary tradition which started last year with summer hikes to Meadowdale Beach, Mt. Rainier and Cougar Mountain. Lucky to be able to go to the bathroom. (I know, TMI, but if you've ever had surgery, you know what I mean and it IS a big deal.) I feel lucky to feel hardly any pain. (I had cramps over the weekend and a headache the last two days, but it was manageable, uncomfortable yes but manageable, because I was still able to function and drive and visit with people and go to work and eat and go for a walk.)

One of our many hikes last summer to the magnificent Meadowdale Beach in Edmonds, WA (where I first started exercising again after my surgery)

After climbing as far as we could on Mt. Rainier, less than a year after my open abdominal surgery!

Cougar Mountain one year ago today for my first post-op-iversary hike with my love :)

So I'm throwing my "should do" list out the window and embracing the much needed rest of a day off. No matter what the reason for the day off, I am listening to my body right now, as the back of my head still pounds a bit, and acknowledging that I still need to rest. Other things can wait. I really won't be "productive" if I don't first take time to rest, relax and rejuvenate myself. 

Whenever my body calls out like this, I think I will start asking instead "How can I feed my body what she needs?" rather than "What is wrong with me?" Because there is nothing wrong with me. My body is working exactly as it should, by telling me when I've overdone it and when I'm in need of some good old fashioned R + R.

So for now, I'm celebrating this 2nd anniversary of my operation by writing this blog from the couch on my smart phone with the birds chirping outside and the kitty cats lying at my feet.

Gussy warming my feet :)

Roo Bear sleeping above me :)

I'm starting to feel better already. :) So thankful for therapeutic writing and for you reading this piece of my heart.

And today it has been 1 whole year since I started writing weekly wellness blogs and 7 months and counting of daily practice posts! 

Letting In Joy

Where has this month gone? I found myself asking earlier today. And then I started thinking about it. In learning a new job, family BBQs, pool time, morning nature walks, a few urban hikes, a Super moon, World Cup viewing parties, several collages made at home after work, some beautiful photographs, buying a new car, saving money, selling my dear Opie to a good home, going through some of the papers I’ve accumulated and feeling a little more ready for our upcoming move in the fall, losing 3 pounds, daily--or almost daily blog posts on joy and finding zeal and zest in life, a submission of writing and collage to a friend’s magazine and getting accepted, and signing up for and committing to a 100-hour coaching certification program to start in August! Wow! I’m on my way!

 

As I've had to practice letting go and trusting A LOT recently in the buying and selling of cars, I have also looked back on the last 2 years, since I first bought my Opie car and I now see how very far I've come on so many levels. It's sometimes hard to see when we're busy living our lives, day to day, but when we stop and look back, even if ever so briefly, a wider angle comes into focus and we can see growth and struggle and triumph and difficulty and love and change and joy and wisdom and hopefully a whole lot of fun and laughter with those we love. 

Life seems richer when I take the time to stop and look at who I am now. I'm proud of who I am. It's getting less and less scary to be who I really am. Being vulnerable can still be painful, but it's very healing to share my experiences with others, in hopes that the lessons I've learned may help someone else--and myself through taking the time to articulate and honor all of life. I think a big part of becoming ourselves is accepting everything about us, even what we don't particularly like yet. If we can really embrace our whole self and love ourselves unconditionally, then we can begin to spread that love wholeheartedly into the world.

This month I decided to focus on joy and adding more zest and zeal to life. I've found through this process that I don't always feel joyful and I must respect all my feelings. But in focusing on bringing forth more zeal to every day, it gets easier to bounce back from a difficult moment and smile again. That's the key.

So here is a collage of expressions of joy. I realized when creating this that many of the pictures I found as examples of sheer joy were taken by others. In a way it seems like the camera finds a way of catching me right when I'm laughing and being joyful, over and over again. I rarely take a "selfie" in this state. It's really all about being in the moment, away from my phone or camera, and feeling spontaneity and breathing in joy and mirth which is then expressed to the world through my big wide smiles. :-)

Striving for Good Enough

This past week I've felt a little bit better about my paper addiction by making some progress and even thinning down some of the piles. I have collected paper since I was a girl. I still have some papers from my childhood. Honestly I love paper. I can't deny it. I'm one of those people who can stare at the scrapbook paper at the craft store for a long time. But my collection has gotten a little out of hand and after moving twice in the past 2 years, I would have liked to have been more organized by now. So this week I think I finally got tired of complaining about not having enough time or energy to go through things. And a few mornings ago, I just started going through some papers in a box in our bedroom before I went to work. It wasn’t that sunny out so I didn’t feel as motivated to get to work early and go for a nice walk in the park like in previous weeks, so I instead went through some papers. I didn’t recycle anything or get rid of anything in that instant, but I at least started. Starting is half the battle, I’m finding! So let this be a reminder to my future self to just get started. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t even have to get finished. It just has to get started and keep restarting until it’s good enough. 

I'm striving for “Good Enough!” It's a new normal for me, as a recovering perfectionist. A more realistic and kinder way of living. A more compassionate process, rather than pushing myself to finish everything perfectly and completely the first try and feeling horribly when I don’t succeed. That’s not helping matters. It’s not helping me feel supported in my development. I am working on many personal growth projects right now and showing kindness to myself is probably the number one predictor of my future success and follow-through.  Life isn’t all about productivity. There are so many more interesting aspects of living. So many wonderful lessons to learn. Observations to be made. Love to share. Laughter to be had. Stories to tell. Tips to teach. Creativity to form!

And because of the small progress I made that morning, the next day I came home after an almost hourlong commute miraculously with enough motivation and energy to go through another box that had been sitting in the closet for almost a year. This time I separated things into different piles, deciding what was worth saving, what was worth photographing so that it could then be recycled, what was worth pitching, and what could be used in a future collage. :) It is a lot easier now that I'm collaging regularly to get rid of cute invitations and cards I had been saving, because I can now use the images and words that really inspire and resonate with me and give them a new life in a unique piece of art. :)

The pressure of having to go through EVERYTHING I've collected that sits in the closet, in the drawers, in boxes, in the bookcase, on the table is frankly too overwhelming. By striving for good enough instead and practicing self-compassion in the process, I can work on a small pile of papers that I pulled from one of the problem places and feel more accomplished going through that small pile than I ever did just staring at the daunting task as a whole before me. Breaking it down into little piles is manageable and helps me feel more successful. Also not focusing on finishing, and instead on getting started--over and over again--is much more realistic and doesn't overwhelm me as much. It takes the pressure off. The pressure to do a perfect job and finish going through years of paperwork in the blink of an eye. This is not going to be a quick process with me. I know myself. I love to relish in nostalgia from time to time. I love history. I love reminiscing. I was after all the historian of an honor society club back in high school. Not everything in life is a rush to the finish line. Many things in life turn out better and more enjoyable when taking our time.

So in order to seek progress rather than completion, I must celebrate each and every little victory. Each time I get started. And remember that life is a process, not a destination. Not everything in life is about completing something--so much of life's joys are found along the way as we step forward.

I'll leave you with some decluttering inspiration that serendipitously found me this very week on Facebook from author, Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Pick up an object. Ask self: 'Does this object fill me with a sense of light and possibility?' If yes, keep it. If not, throw that sh*t away." ~Liz Gilbert

The Little Girl Inside

I want to befriend the anxious little girl who lives inside me. I want her to know I love her and support her. I want to tell her that we are doing great and that we will be okay no matter what. But it's sometimes hard to get her messages. I find breathing deeply helps though. She also seems to remember she's ok and can enjoy life again when I'm moving or creating--through dance, photography, nature walks, hiking, collaging, making jewelry, planning workshops. When she is put in a stressful situation or feels pressure of any kind, she begins to tighten and churn. Sometimes only time can rid her of these sensations, even after moving and breathing deeply. This is why it's so important to remind her that these feelings of fear will change and we will once again feel the joy of life. Living in the moment is key but requires constant, LIFELONG commitment, daily practice and self-love, because with anything that you are practicing comes goof-ups and being hard on her is only going to exacerbate the anxiety.

I now see this little girl as beautiful and courageous and intelligent. She's the little girl I was when I was young. She's the part of me who was too scared to develop into an adult. And maybe that was her purpose all along, her intention, to help balance out the rest of my adult self in order to stay young and full of creativity, energy and hope. Because without this little girl, I wouldn't be able to experience the sheer joy of nature and love and life in the same way. I love skipping. I love feeling joyful. I love giggling. The little girl keeps me balanced and filled with zeal for life. After all, when I think about where the sensations of my joy are located in my physical body, more often than not they are in the same places where I feel the anxiety. Anxiety and excitement create virtually the same sensations for me, only one is associated with negative or scary thoughts and emotions and the other with joyful and positive thoughts, albeit sometimes scary too.

When I'm feeling joyful and excited about life, I welcome the scary parts and do the things that scare me anyway, which is where my courage is born. As I practice everyday, I will continue to tell the little girl inside me that she is amazing and talented and so brave and so loved. So needed. So joyful. She must only stop and breathe in that energy so that the situation can shift and the anxiety will dissipate with practice. It will never go away completely. We need anxiety for our safety sometimes but as we shift, we can lean towards excitement and zest for life instead, in order to train our thoughts and emotions to respond differently or shift and lean more quickly towards joy.

Remembering Gratitude, Courage and Vulnerability

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."  ~Brene Brown

It's hard to believe sometimes but in a little less than a month, it will have been two years since my surgery. Sometimes it feels like much longer ago than that. Other times, I feel like it could have happened just last week when the traumatic memories of agony and pain come flooding back all the sudden. Thankfully this doesn't happen very often anymore. But I have discovered how very sensitive I am to memories. And I think this led me to a recent epiphany. What if instead of remembering automatically all the difficult, painful, and sad feelings I experienced during that time in my life, I choose to remember and retrain myself to focus on the feelings of elation that I felt right after I woke up from surgery. When I think back of the euphoria I felt in that moment, how relieved and incredibly grateful I was right after I awoke from surgery, after I asked if the surgery had been successful, if the doctors had been able to move my left renal vein away from my aorta, which had been compressing my renal vein to the point of extreme pain and a network of internal varicose veins above my left ovary, and that my vein had not collapsed, gracias a Dios, my heart grows and I remember all the outpouring of love and support I received from family and friends and the amazing dedication and unconditional love and honor that my mother and my husband gave me before, during and after my surgery and long road to recovery. 

This is essential in reframing our past. In not being afraid to "go there" when remembering of a particular time in our life. I don't want to be afraid to think about the time when I fought the Nutcracker Syndrome and won! I want to feel proud! And grateful! I don't want to feel bitter and angry about all the time and energy I lost as a result of the surgical infection I got. I want to remember what an awesome job the doctors did do of transporting my delicate vein to a safer location inside me, so that now nearly 2 years later, I can do pretty much whatever my heart desires. I am no longer held back by physical limitations or pain. Only by the fear of remembering. Only by my own self-doubt. Only by the lack of practice. But those are things I can control. I can reframe what I remember of this period in my life. I can gain confidence when I remember how much courage and strength I showed during that time. And I can get back out there and start moving more again, getting back into the habit of exercising and practicing whatever my heart desires. Little by little. Like I've been doing with my writing this year.

So my nugget that I take away from this epiphany is that if I find myself going back in time and remembering something--whether it be a wonderful memory or a painful one--I must challenge myself to look around in there for just one moment when I felt grateful or loved or joy, and remember that moment above all others. I did not feel a lot of joy during my recovery. I did not have a lot of fun, even though my dear mom would take me to beautiful, lovely places to cheer me up. (I love you, Mom! You are my hero!) I did not always remember how incredibly grateful I was for having a successful surgery, because I was under so much distress from a painful recovery. But now that I have been fully recovered for 1 year and 7 months (because it took me 4 full months to heal the wound left from the infection, aka. Sparkle) and I can look back on all this from a distance, I choose to realize and own my own strength, courage, gratitude, faith, love, and tenacity. 

I sometimes foresee the wisdom and goodness I will gain from a challenge before I actually go through a difficult time. Kind of like seeing yourself at the finish line before you have even started training to run the marathon. And this has helped me move through challenging times with the comfort and faith that I will grow into myself more deeply, practice vulnerability and open my heart up to receive all the love that comes to me, and be able to touch more lives in the end.

Thank you for reading my words. I would love to hear your stories of courage. Share below or on my Facebook page or email me at maritakane@gmail.com.

Adding A Little Zest To Life

At the beginning of the year, I received a random card at a Seattle Unity service that was entitled zeal. I hadn't really used this term before though but I immediately liked the sound of it. I had already set an intention to have more fun and be more playful, because I found myself getting really serious and not having much fun as a result, so this card reinforced that intention.

That is about the same time when the Fun-A-Day project appeared out of the blue and was like an answer to the winter blues I had been facing. I had SO MUCH FUN during the month of January creating something new each day and posting it on my blog as Daily Creativity! And this started a daily habit or practice for me, of posting a little something each day, like a reflection, a photo, a short poem, or an inspiring quote. I have had a lot of fun sharing and posting everyday on my blog and one of the most fun and creative parts is brainstorming about a new theme for the month or sometimes just listening to my inner voice and focusing on what I need to focus on in the coming month.

So this month, I have chosen Zest & Zeal. I intend to bring more awareness to the art of having fun and how to add more zest and zeal to everyday life. This can be anything really and I can't wait to see where it leads. I really had NO IDEA that joining the Fun-A-Day Challenge back in January would lead to all these different daily practices each month--February brought Abundance, March brought Self-Love, April brought Grace, May brought Surrender, and June brought Goodness. I love that I can sum up 2014 in these beautiful words, actions, intentions, and practices--creativity, prosperity, self-compassion, graceful living, letting go, and owning my goodness.

And now I'm adding a little more zest and zeal to my days by choosing to focus on:

lively feelings of enjoyment and enthusiasm that increases energy in pursuit of a cause or an objective

And my cause or objective is to be more playful and recognize and honor all the zest and zeal already in my life. :) Just in the past 2 days, I've found zeal in nature through discovering a beautiful pond filled with momma ducks navigating through the lilypads and dragonflies hovering just over the surface.

I have a feeling that I'll be finding zest and zeal everywhere and I can't wait to share with you what I discover this month. :)

Where do you find zest and zeal?

Moving My Goodness

Do you ever get home from work or school and feel so tired you just don't want to do anything? I've felt this way many times but yesterday I was listening to the radio, to the Debra Silverman show, on my way home and Debra talked about the importance of moving our energy. So I decided, instead of going home and lounging on the couch--because after all, I did deserve to rest, I went for a walk instead. And lo and behold after moving my energy around and breathing in fresh air, I felt more energetic and was able to do some grocery shopping and clean the house a bit before I started feeling tired again. And even after all that activity, because I focused on the fact I was still moving, I felt more energetic than the day before when I went home and just sat on the couch checking Facebook. (Although one thing I've learned from my self-compassion practice is that some time to do something just for you that you enjoy is totally okay too.) But checking my phone or computer while sitting doesn't cultivate more energy within me. Actually moving my body is what brings me energy, even when I don't feel like it. Especially then. 

After having major surgery almost 2 years ago--thank goodness it's in the past now--I definitely got out of the habit I'd formed the year before of regularly moving, and I still don't feel the same amount of energy or flexibility as before I got struck with chronic pain. So the simplicity of this reminder to just move our energy is very accessible to me. Not intimidating, like going to the gym or even to a zumba class--I'm sad to report that I still haven't gone back to zumba. :(

And let's face it: much of what we do is sitting, so I'm beginning to think that when I feel tired and as I'd say in Spanish, sin ganas de hacer nada (not feeling like doing anything), it's really my body crying out for a little attention. She wants to move. Jump around. Walk. Run. Dance. Jiggle with laughter. Sing. Whatever sounds doable to move energy around. I didn't bring special walking shoes with me today or yesterday; I just started walking. (Luckily my sandals are pretty comfortable.) And I didn't have to walk a 5K to feel a shift in my energy. Just a 30 minute stroll. Or it could have been a 5 minute long laugh--that sounds refreshing too! It'll really make you feel better, trust me. :)

And isn't energy really just tangible goodness? The kind of goodness you feel in your body when you're having fun, the kind of goodness you sense when you're excited and filled with hope about something, the kind of goodness when you feel love and joy fill your heart. If there's a pretty easy way to access more of that, sign me up. I'm moving more then!

And for those of you who physically can't walk or dance because of pain or an injury, because I've been there, laughing really gets energy moving too. And it's super fun! Singing does too!

So let's all get out there and move our goodness around! :-)

This Blog Is a Mirror Into My Soul

This blog is a mirror into my soul sometimes. It's a way for me to express my deepest thoughts and take some big risks and trust that all my supporters will still be here waiting for me and cheering me on as I practice vulnerability through this public forum. I wanted to look back at the past 10 months of blogging and reflect on all the great lessons learned through the art of writing and sharing with others. I think this blog is a reflection of my inner struggles and my inner joys, and I'm very grateful you're here reading these words.

I'm first going to look back on the different topics I've chosen to write about or I've felt drawn to reflect upon, sometimes because of external inspiration from a class or hearing an amazing speaker and other times from within, something that I've been chewing on and writing about it helps me work all the kinks out.  (Today I'll highlight last July through October.)

Last July I restarted my blog by typing up my notes from an amazing mindfulness mini-retreat that I attended a year ago. I wrote about the Miracles of Mindfulness. Then about a month later, I began my weekly wellness blog practice on the exact one-year anniversary of my major abdominal/vascular surgery with a post about climbing to the top of a mountain to celebrate this post-op-iversary. For week 2, I blogged from a park bench overlooking the beautiful Puget Sound at one of my favorite viewpoints and called it Tranquil Time Tuesday. In week 3, I was feeling a bit "meh" and wrote about watching frolicking squirrels as stress relief. :) I started to feel a real rhythm for blogging and hear my true writing voice come through by week 4 with Learning to Love Even the Darkness.

In my second month of regularly blogging each week, I participated in a 21-day meditation challenge with the great Deepak and Oprah and learned an invaluable tool of pausing, assessing, reframing, and choosing love. I remember really enjoying writing this post because it was so practical and it can help anyone. The next week I recycled a few blog posts I wrote many years earlier about my second home of Ecuador.  Ooh, I really remember liking the week after's post on No lions...no tigers because it was really empowering for me to write and I found myself rereading it at later dates to relearn the wonderful lessons I shared from one of my favorite creative authors, SARK.  For the last week in September, I reflected on a workshop I attended that helped open me up and maybe even more importantly showed me that I had built some walls around myself to protect myself.

My October blogs covered an array of topics from celebrating our talents, rewriting some history, starting a decluttering challenge for myself which proved challenging but did work well as a de-stressor, and looking inside my anti-stress backpack.

Next time I'll review the winter months and into this year. So much writing, so much growth!

Naming Our Mastery

As I was typing my name on my iPhone just now, the word "Master" popped up as the autocorrect kicked in, and it made me smile. I don't mind being called "Master." :) (Autocorrect doesn't usually pick flattering titles like that!) And then I started thinking about my goodness project this month and asked myself:

What am I a master of?

Have you ever thought about this before? Can you automatically name a few things that you are the master of? I'm not used to this idea so it's taking me a little longer to process and so I've decided to reflect tonight for my weekly wellness blog on the concept of mastery.

So to really begin to answer this question, I'd like to think of the actual definition of mastery. When I googled the term, Google came up with this definition:

Mastery = Comprehensive knowledge or skill in a subject or accomplishment

This also reminded me of the Spanish translation for master, which is maestro, meaning teacher also.

So what area of life do I have comprehensive knowledge or skills or accomplishments?

A few are popping into my head:

• Being bilingual in Spanish
• Helping others through creativity and resourcefulness (two of my Dependable Strengths)
• Being dedicated to self-care and stress management
• Showing daily commitment to a cause, such as blogging every day this year, in addition to flossing every day this year, writing what I'm grateful for every night, and affirming/meditating/praying every morning.
• Thinking of creative activities to do with friends (and hopefully more workshops soon)

Recently I heard a similar idea of naming what you’re really good at in a book I’ve been listening to called May I Be Happy, by Cyndi Lee. The author, Cyndi used this technique in a yoga teacher training to help her students feel more confident. They were trying a very difficult pose and by lightening the air with stories of the fun things they do well, they felt better about trying something new. 

Brilliant really. A primary foundation of the Dependable Strengths process as well.

Here are a few other fun things that I’m a master at:

• Taking frame-worthy nature photographs on the fly
• Being the unofficial family photographer for several of my close friends :)
• Being able to make a pretty nice collage while in my car :)
• Making really tasty garbanzo bean cupcakes
• Throwing some pretty fun parties over the years
• Learning dance choreography quickly
• Sensing stress in others and offering ideas for what might help them feel better
• Being a cat whisperer :)

What are you a master of?

A New Chapter of Goodness

Two days ago on June 1st, I decided to focus on recognizing and really owning my goodness for this month. This is something I've been thinking about for awhile now and something that was articulated into words during an inspiring life coaching session with the amazing Lena Meyer back in March. As wonderful as it sounds though, this has been a bit of a difficult topic for me, so I felt it was important to practice it this month as an act of cultivating more self-love, self-compassion and self-confidence in my life. And very appropriately, just yesterday, I started my new job! So this added boost of confidence, care and compassion is greatly welcomed as I put myself out there, take risks, try new things, and join a new community of colleagues.

I created a special collage (pictured above) in late March to help me remember this mantra of owning my goodness and it also serves as the cover of my first inspirational collage notebook. I also say this to myself every morning and every night as a way to ground myself in my goodness and remember all the good coming to me and coming from me everyday. I have found it soothing as well when I'm feeling frustrated or grumpy.

But now, this month, I would like to fill this "goodness" with actual examples and details--stories or memories or qualities that I possess that I can call upon to remind myself of my goodness. That is why I have created a whole page to this topic and why I'm writing about it each day this month. So far this year, I have written about creativity in January, abundance in February, self-love in March, grace in April, and surrender in May. And I feel each of these topics has had a great influence on how I view life now. So I am confident that focusing on filling in the details of what goodness really means to me and what my own unique goodness looks like and feels like will only bring more goodness into my life and make me more aware of the goodness that comes from within as well.

When I focus on a significant topic each day, a habit is formed and a greater awareness develops. That is why I know recognize so many different opportunities in life to use my creativity. I recognize how abundant the whole world is and how abundant my spirit is as well. I continually focus on strengthening my self-love muscle as this is a difficult muscle to tone and needs constant maintenance. My practice of grace and surrender are also continual focuses in my life and I see more and more ways that grace and surrender show up in my life now--or at least the need for grace and surrender in order to live with ease.

Each of these daily practices this year are actually cumulative--they truly build on each other and it seems that the topic from the month before becomes so interconnected with the current month. I enjoy this focus because before, I would research random topics, because I love researching and reading about wellness, but get overwhelmed by the wealth of information available to me. Now I feel I am really getting to a more unique space where I am creating the resources at times because I can't find other information about what I want to research. I know from writing a senior honors thesis in college that this is the sign of an available and needed subject to write about because there are not many--if any other sources out there on the topic.

So for Day 1 of my goodness practice this month, I found a definition of the word "goodness" that helped me begin the process of recognizing, looking for, and owning my goodness, and goodness all around me. And one of the words that really stuck with me is "essence." What is my true essence? And what does that mean? When you strip away all of life's stressors and all of your memories and pain and trauma, who are you underneath it all? During experiences of loss and health crisis, I was given the chance to see my true essence, what was underneath all the gunk, and at first I was surprised by all the strength and joy and creative energy I found there, but now I'm moving into a space and time when I can write about my essence and not feel as bashful or afraid of exposing my true nature in a public setting, and my intention is to feel as comfortable about these parts of me as I am about my eye color.

What's underneath all the gunk for you? Can you find your true essence? Your unique goodness? Keep looking if you don't see it at first. And if you feel comfortable, let me know what you find.