Finding the Shiny Bits Underneath the Pain

My body always finds a way to slow me down and give me rest.

I can't say quite yet that I'm grateful for my good ol' monthly pain reminder--I think I'm not quite that spiritually evolved--but I can say that it has great power in forcing me to rest and try to relax, or the pain will be exacerbated. Yesterday I learned that my amazing mom would be transferred to a rehabilitation center today. I have been going to the hospital to see her everyday since that scary day nearly two weeks ago when she passed out. 

Many have told me, including my mom, to have some fun and take care of myself, but I really was at a loss for how to do that, even though I have focused this very blog on wellness and self-care-related topics for over a year now. So now as I sit here waiting for one of my mom's cats to come home, who is not cooperating, and feel that familiar annoying pain again, I am trying to stay in the moment, breathe, enjoy the much needed time to rest, be with my mom's other kitties and keep them company, watch an exciting 20-year old movie (Speed--can you believe it came out 20 years ago?!), and be patient. And funny thing, aren't those some of the key ingredients to taking care of myself? 

So as I learn to show gratitude even for the times when I am in pain, I also recognize some of the lessons hidden among the folds of pain. I learn over and over again to focus on the moment, focus on my breath, focus on the importance of resting and not overdoing it, focus on the love of animals and nature, focus on simple enjoyment, and focus on practicing patience. 

After reflecting on all the lessons available in pain, I am starting to warm up to the idea of feeling a bit of gratitude for this monthly reminder to focus on myself and my body and my good. This could actually be a helpful exercise when facing any hardship or frustration. Look underneath the obvious discomfort and find the shiny lessons and wisdom to be gained from the experience. And remember, once learned doesn't necessarily mean you'll remember the next time. This is an exercise, like gratitude, that must be repeated regularly. 

What shiny wisdom can you find underneath your pain or discomfort?

Trying to Be Brave and Not Beating Myself Up When I'm Not

When did it become the ideal to show a tough face and not show any real emotions when your mom's having a health crisis? Isn't it just as wonderful to see how very much someone loves the person who is in crisis and how they let their emotions flow and their love surround that person? And wouldn't it be cool if your tears were interpreted as a sign of strength? Wouldn't it be neat to be applauded for how well you're dealing with a crisis by how much you're releasing your emotions and being okay with them, not fighting or repressing them?

I never imagined that these past 7 and a half months of daily practice would be preparing me for such a crisis. But a week ago tomorrow, my mom passed out and was rushed to the ER and then rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding in her brain. All my daily stressors seem so trivial when I think of the amount and kind of stress I've been under these past 7 days. But I also mustn't undermine my feelings or make comparisons like that, because stress is stress. And although I'd love to rant about how much I hate stress, that's not accepting that it exists, that it's a part of each of our lives, and that the best possible thing we can do is learn to accept what we're feeling when we're feeling it and then let it pass. 

Trouble can come when we don't let that stress pass through and it gets stuck somewhere inside us. As I learned in a meditation retreat I attended 3 years ago, act as if you're a maître de and usher it in, letting the stress pass right by you. Of course in my case, at the present time, the stress can't exactly pass right by--instead it's looking at me straight in the face, but I can at least recognize it, honor it, accept it, give it a hug, and then let it pass through me or breathe it out. If I reject it or pretend I'm not feeling it or act as others expect me to act or want me to act, then I'm not honoring my experience nor my feelings nor my reaction or response to given event, and I'm also not letting the stress pass through me. 

So I'm here to say that this is rough. I wax and wane. I'm not always strong. Sometimes I'm a wreck. It pains me so much to see my mom in pain. I hate leaving her every night, but I'm so so grateful for her excellent care in the ICU and I'm so so thankful for each and every baby step she makes towards recovery. I am proud that my love for her is so big and strong that it tears me up to see her suffer. I am glad I have the ability to express my feelings and not feel inclined to bottle them up and file them away inside me. I choose to release my emotions by expressing them and sharing them. I am so fortunate to have the love and support of my mom's many friends and our family. I am so honored to be this amazing and courageous woman's only daughter.

Blessings in Every Hurdle

August 6, 2014

I find myself asking, "What's wrong with me?" this morning as I lounge on the couch and am not motivated to do anything very productive. I hear the answer almost immediately, "You're tired, Marita." "You're exhausted. You're kind of burned out." My body has a way of slowing me down when I get caught up in the busy-ness of everyday life and forget to stop and rest and recharge enough. 

I took today off because it has been 2 years to the day since I had my open surgery. The surgery that cured my Nutcracker Syndrome and eventually, although it took way longer than anyone had anticipated because of an open wound aka. Sparkle, healed the chronic pain I had been living with in 2012. I was lucky though, doctors found a reason for this pain relatively quickly and I had the surgery eight short months after my first big pain attack occurred. Some people live for years with such pain. :(

As I typed this last paragraph, my mind flashed back to a pretty road on Whidbey Island where Geovanny and I visited on our first day trip together three years ago Sunday. :) I remember the excitement of new love and just beginning to get to know what a wonderful person this man is, this man who is now my husband. 

Young love on the ferry back from Whidbey Island, August 3rd of 2011 :)

I am moved to tears when I think of the incredible gifts I have received. I have jumped over a lot of hurdles but I am so blessed! For every hurdle, I believe there are at least five blessings wrapped up in it. As long as I take the time to see the little sparkly blessings, I know it's all been worth it.

On a day like today, I feel lucky to be able to get up out of bed on my own. (Tears again.) I feel lucky to take a shower. I feel lucky to eat almost anything I want and feel hungry when my body needs food. I feel lucky to walk upright. Lucky to go for a hike later today--my post-op-iversary tradition which started last year with summer hikes to Meadowdale Beach, Mt. Rainier and Cougar Mountain. Lucky to be able to go to the bathroom. (I know, TMI, but if you've ever had surgery, you know what I mean and it IS a big deal.) I feel lucky to feel hardly any pain. (I had cramps over the weekend and a headache the last two days, but it was manageable, uncomfortable yes but manageable, because I was still able to function and drive and visit with people and go to work and eat and go for a walk.)

One of our many hikes last summer to the magnificent Meadowdale Beach in Edmonds, WA (where I first started exercising again after my surgery)

After climbing as far as we could on Mt. Rainier, less than a year after my open abdominal surgery!

Cougar Mountain one year ago today for my first post-op-iversary hike with my love :)

So I'm throwing my "should do" list out the window and embracing the much needed rest of a day off. No matter what the reason for the day off, I am listening to my body right now, as the back of my head still pounds a bit, and acknowledging that I still need to rest. Other things can wait. I really won't be "productive" if I don't first take time to rest, relax and rejuvenate myself. 

Whenever my body calls out like this, I think I will start asking instead "How can I feed my body what she needs?" rather than "What is wrong with me?" Because there is nothing wrong with me. My body is working exactly as it should, by telling me when I've overdone it and when I'm in need of some good old fashioned R + R.

So for now, I'm celebrating this 2nd anniversary of my operation by writing this blog from the couch on my smart phone with the birds chirping outside and the kitty cats lying at my feet.

Gussy warming my feet :)

Roo Bear sleeping above me :)

I'm starting to feel better already. :) So thankful for therapeutic writing and for you reading this piece of my heart.

And today it has been 1 whole year since I started writing weekly wellness blogs and 7 months and counting of daily practice posts!