Fear is Inner Awareness Bubbling To the Surface

More and more I’m feeling a great pull towards helping others feel their creativity alive inside them, as I have felt in myself, because I think that is one of the keys to feeling better about life in general, no matter what’s happening around you. 

Cultivating resilience is also something I feel I want to explore more, not sure if I am expert on it, although others say I’m resilient and it’s even listed as one of my most dependable strengths, but I think the key to really unlocking it within is to really believe that I am resilient, truly own this strength of mine and learn to recognize its presence in many different aspects of my life. 

This leads me to one of the most important things I’ve discovered on this journey of self-awareness and that is self-love. How utterly essential loving yourself is, no matter what, unconditionally, all the time, in every aspect, mood, body part of yourself. Because without that love, without the awareness of all it can do for each of us, I feel lost and overwhelmed with fear. 

I have been struggling with fear a lot in the past few days. I think it’s actually inner awareness that is bubbling to the surface and on the verge of creating more positive change in my life, but it can feel quite uncomfortable and unsettling. It’s a feeling that causes even more worry in my mind sometimes, like: What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way again? Why aren’t all my daily practices helping? Oh, but then my "inner wise self," as SARK describes her, chimes in and reminds me that my daily efforts ARE creating positive change within me and that even though I feel fearful sometimes, that doesn’t change my essence, my true spirit, my God-given talents and strengths. 

The fear doesn’t diminish the love that’s within me. It only clouds my view of it from time to time, and in order to thrive and flourish, I must accept these feelings and embrace “those scared parts inside of myself” (quoted from the incredibly amazing SARK again). Loving oneself truly and unconditionally involves so many wonderful things—

prioritizing self-care, resting, having fun, getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, exercising, drinking water, prioritizing creative expression, making time with supportive friends, laughing, forgiving, praying/affirming/meditating, reflecting, goal setting, dreaming

—whatever works best for you, and I truly believe showing ourselves love is the key to lowering stress levels, accepting what comes to us, and growing into our true potential.

All the happiness exercises and books in the world won’t amount to much long-standing positive change if we don’t first incorporate into our lives and really truly believe in our own worth and allow ourselves to feel that deep love within us in order to stand up for ourselves, make healthy choices for ourselves, and show ourselves love. Only then will we be able to truly feel happiness. This is what I have come to believe.

Self-Esteem is a Delicate Muscle That Must Be Trained Constantly

I think having a positive self-image might just be one of the most powerful tools we can invest in to ensure true contentment and kindness in this world.  I recognize the importance of building self-esteem, especially as a chubby, four-eyed child who could be a bit clumsy and wasn't involved in any team sports, but then I found dance. And dance literally changed my life. The summer before I started high school, I became a part of a team of strong young women, in the not-always-well-known dance sport of colorguard, through a jazz dance class first and then through four years of choreography, stretching, pilates--before it was popular, and performing together all year round, and these women helped lift me up throughout high school and many of them still do, either virtually or on the occasional visit with dear, old friends. I was given the opportunity to cultivate my creativity and express myself through movement and that helped me feel better about myself in so many ways. I found my flow.

Although I haven't performed in a colorguard since my freshman year in college, dance has continually touched my life and the experience of expressing my creativity through movement has helped me overcome many obstacles. When I begin to feel lost, I can almost always pinpoint the feeling beginning when I stopped dancing.

So you can imagine how difficult it was then two years ago when my regular zumba classes at the gym began to make me nauseous and cause pain to rattle down the left side of my body. It was horrifying. Maybe almost worse than having to actually live with the chronic pain, because dancing is my life force.  I considered chair dancing and looked into Nia and other dance forms I could possibly try while suffering from this pain, but it can be very difficult to get motivated when your mind is running wildly with all the possible explanations for what's going on inside your body and how you can fix it. I lost my rhythm and my self-esteem has suffered greatly as a result.

But like mangos, I CRAVE dance, and my body and mind and spirit constantly cried out for movement throughout my recovery, which doesn't just include the "recovery" of 6 weeks that the doctors talk about--it includes the last year and a half while I've been slowly regaining my strength and spirit after going to hell and back.

Last week I finally couldn't take it any longer and although I don't have a gym membership and have a hard time getting motivated to leave the house after I get home in the evenings, I decided to just go for it and start dancing in our living room with our cable company's available fitness videos. And now only after a week, I'm already looking forward to coming home in the evenings to put on my pretty pink coin scarf and shake my body to belly dancing for 15 to 20 minutes in the living room. It doesn't sound like a lot of time, but it's just what I needed to help me feel more alive and more in touch with my creative spirit. All the writing and picture-taking and art that I create help fill me with positivity, but they truly can't compete with the sheer joy that dancing brings me and has always brought me.

So I've really begun to realize that our self-esteem is a very fragile, delicate muscle that must be trained and massaged and worked or expressed constantly in order to thrive, just like our other muscles. I feel lucky to have found an activity that helps me work this all-important muscle.

Recognizing My Wings

I went through an amazing transformation about 3 years ago, when my whole life--everything as I knew it--was flipped upside down by a surprise end to a 10-year relationship.  I look back on my healing process in awe now and how I literally came out of my shell and found my wings.  I followed a lot of great advice, followed my heart, gave my creativity time to thrive through regularly dancing and dancing in many different forms—zumba, belly dancing, pole dancing, burlesque dancing, salsa dancing, you name it!—spent a great deal of quality bonding time with friends for support, fun and inspiration, and grew spiritually, because I remained open to all the changes happening and I remained hopeful that one of my life’s most precious goals of becoming a mother and having a family would still happen, despite turning 32 when all this happened.  If I let the gremlins take over, as Brene Brown calls them, I would think that there wasn’t possibly enough time to meet someone new, grow as a couple, get married, and start a family before I got "too old."  But deep down, I KNEW in my heart and soul that it WAS possible and that I would be a mother and create a family.  And lo and behold, as my wings grew bigger and even more brilliant and beautiful, and my self-esteem thrived amidst my creativity and budding friendships, I met my future husband and father of my children. I believed it, and it happened.  We were married just 2 years after first meeting and have now been married 10 months.  We are hoping to start a family later this year.  My vision is becoming reality!

While dating and growing as a couple, we went through some very serious health trials—4 surgeries, one of which being major, abdominal surgery to fix a vein that had been compressed near my left kidney, and causing daily achiness and pain whenever I danced or walked—two of my most favorite pastimes and stress relievers. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, nursed me back to health, coming to my mom’s house where I was recovering to change my surgical wound’s dressings, because it got infected and was tracking, so A LOT of pain and suffering occurred after that surgery, but A LOT of unconditional love occurred too, both from my husband and my dear mother, who fed me and took care of me for a month after the surgery and then took turns with my husband changing my wound's dressings for several more months.  I knew without a doubt while going through that health crisis that I had found my soulmate and my future husband.  After my wound healed, we got engaged a few months later and were married 6 weeks after our engagement!  It was a truly magical time, filled with family and close friends, creativity and planning, and coming together to create the most love-filled wedding day.

Since then, we have been adjusting to living together, since we didn’t move in together until after our wedding, and learning about each other at a deeper level.  On a personal level, I have still not fully recovered emotionally from all the health crises I went through two years ago.  All of last year, physically, was dedicated about regaining my strength and energy, but I struggled constantly to keep up with my old ways of dancing regularly and walking all the time.  I can dance and walk now.  But I don’t do it as regularly as I used to or as much as I’d like to.  I think I have a lot is fear of feeling pain again, since my favorite activities triggered the pain and achiness and nausea when I was going through my health crises.  And I’m afraid I’ve fallen out of the habit of exercising daily.  I still crave it, but now I feel frustrated and almost desperate to find a way to be active daily again.  I try to go for walks at lunchtime and I do mini-yoga sessions in my living room from time to time, but nothing as regular and as invigorating as my zumba and other dance classes from 3 years ago.  I know A LOT of my healing process and healing secrets from that time were through my dancing.  I gained a sense of confidence that I hadn’t had in a long time and I also opened up through the process of dancing. After nearly every zumba session, I would feel inspired to write and write about some epiphany or important reflection that came to me during the dancing.  I miss that.  I feel almost disappointed with myself for not having kept up with it.  But my inner voice chimes in and reminds me that I physically COULDN’T for quite awhile, due to the pain triggers and then surgery recovery, which was much longer than anyone had anticipated because of the surgical infection and prolonged wound recovery.  Four months of open wound care can take it out of you.  It felt at times as if it sucked the energy and life force out of me.

I think what has happened is that my beautiful, brilliant wings became transparent during my health crisis and recovery, and although I can’t see them as easily now, I must learn to recognize them again. Recognize my incredible journey.  Recognize how far I’ve come and all I’ve been through and learned to get here.  Be kind to myself. Love myself.  Love my transparent wings.  Love my indented scar. Love my rolly belly.  Love my moods and how they can swing from one day or moment to the next.  Love my joy.  Love my enthusiasm and excitement and ZEST for life when it comes to me, sometimes all of the sudden, like a big bolt of positive, fun energy! Even love my fearful nature.  Even love my anxiousness about the unknown.  Love and accept ALL the parts of me, not just the beautiful, which are easier to love, but the painful and difficult parts as well, where the love is needed the most.

I went to a wonderful talk at the Seattle Life Coach Training school last Friday and the inspiring speaker, Sherra Grasser quoted the school's founder, Richard Seaman in his upcoming book, with a profound statement: "Apply LOVE {here}."

Apply LOVE {here}. {There}.  {Everywhere}.

Start small.  And follow my own advice.  I desperately want to get back into being active again and dancing. But I also know that it’s not practical or realistic to think I can just jump back into my 2-3 times a week at the gym for zumba schedule again.  I need to start small. Something though.  Tonight before cooking or going through boxes or writing this blog or even relaxing and vegging on the couch, I needed and most importantly WANTED to try a dance workout on TV in my living room, and I DID IT! 20 minutes of belly dancing felt so energizing and empowering! And I've hung my belly dancing coin scarf, that I wore around my waist for extra motivation, by the thermostat so it is clearly visible and will remind me to try a little belly dancing every night after work.

Start small.

Apply love everywhere.

Recognize the richness of my journey.

Love my transparent wings.

Lessons of Gratitude

At the beginning of 2014, I decided to write a page in a journal each night before going to sleep to remember what I was grateful for during that day.  I remember when Oprah talked about gratitude journals years ago and how much I liked the idea, but I never actually created a habit of it until I set it as an intention for this year.  As tired as I am some nights, I still write in my journal and it has really helped me sleep sounder, wake up with a more positive mindset, recover from stressful situations more quickly, and I've only been writing in this journal for a little over a month.  I intend to continue this practice of recognizing gratitude in my life indefinitely.  I have realized that when it is most difficult to sit down and write in my journal and think about what I'm grateful for, that is when I need to write in it most, and when I need to remember my gratitude the most.  If we can only write that we are grateful for breathing and being able to wake up in the morning, that's a wonderful place to start, and a very grounding place to start as well.

I think I didn't really see the effects of this practice until 2 or 3 weeks had passed, so it's very important to keep going with your intention of gratitude, because no habits formed are formed over night and even though I felt good every time I remembered to write in my journal, I didn't notice the overall effects on my wellness until it had become a regular practice for me and I could tell I wasn't upset as long as I used to be when something difficult would happen to me.  Also in the past, when I've missed a day of a practice or habit I wanted to form and maintain, I sometimes felt the perfectionism creep in and say, why bother.  But I am here to say that the benefits are still positive when you pick up where you left off and start again.  Last night, after being sick all day from a stomach infection, I was not up to writing anything anywhere, and so I didn't--the first time since the new year began that I missed a night of gratitude, but when I woke up this morning, still feeling queasy but able to hold down food at least, I decided to pick up where I left off and write about my gratitude from yesterday after I woke up today.  I did the same with my daily abundance practice that I've created for the month of February.  I couldn't post about abundance last night because I was too sick, so I wrote my post for yesterday about an hour ago.  Better late than never!  I refuse to let perfectionism stop me from achieving my goals and intentions.

What are you grateful for?  Have you created a regular practice of gratitude before?  Please share your thoughts on this blog's Facebook page.