Collaging for Reflection

A couple of days ago I taught a new collage class. I decided to focus the collaging on reflection for the end of the year. It's something I enjoy doing each year around this time and I thought it would be neat to combine my love for collaging with reflecting on the past year. Before digging into the collaging, I offered some questions to get us in the mindset of reflection before starting our collages.

Since it was a small class, I got to take part in the fun too and created a collage as well. I encouraged everyone to keep in mind what inspired them over the past year and pick images and words from the magazines that grab their attention. When collaging, for me at least, it's important to not overthink it, to just rip and create. 

In the end, I looked at my own collage and wondered what lessons were hidden in the images and words I chose to paste together. So after the class ended, I decided to send the same reflection questions I offered at the beginning of the class to the attendees and invited them to look at their collage creations while thinking about the questions. I did the same with my collage.

 

I found the questions on a site called Minds In Bloom for teachers actually preparing to end the school year with their students, but I thought they really worked for an end of the year reflection too, such as:

What are some things that you did this past year that make you smile?

When did you feel the most joyful or alive this past year?

What was the most challenging part of the year for you?

What are the 3 most important things you learned from 2016?

Reflecting on the year through the eyes of my collage was a really neat exercise and one I'd like to continue doing at the end of each year. It helped me see what I learned in a creative, more abstract way, rather than the more traditional cerebral way of looking back. From my collage, I pulled the following lessons in my life from 2016:

*Giving life and that my motherhood is linked to Mother Earth

*To just keep riding ~ "Ride, Mama, Ride"

*Courage & bravery when scared or uncertain 

*Trusting my wings & that the parachute will catch me when I take leaps of faith 

*Dance when down -or- stand up and dance 

*Home is where the heart is

*"Love, Faith, Attitude, Present Moment, Objectives/Goals, Forgiveness - Keys to Happiness" (translated from Spanish)

*Growing wisdom/knowledge 

*Motherhood is a gift 

 

I'm excited to share my love for creativity with my daughter. Looking forward towards 2017 I know many more gifts, blessings, and lessons will be brought. 

What have you learned from this past year?

The End of the 4th Trimester

 

Today our baby girl turns 3 months old and this concludes an era some call the “4th trimester.” The end of her newborn stage too. Sniff sniff. Time is moving so fast and our Luna is growing and learning so much! What a difference 3 months can make! It's probably been by far the most meaningful 3 months of my life. I'm so thankful to get to experience motherhood finally and get to know my beautiful daughter and watch her grow and change. 

What I've learned about myself in this “4th trimester” or 1st 3 months of my baby girl’s life is that I'm so much stronger than I ever imagined I was. I’m proud of myself for giving birth naturally with no pain medicine. I've woken up at night every few hours for the past 3 months to feed my baby and I miraculously still have energy at the end of each day now. I haven't read all of the recommended books on child development but my baby is doing amazingly well and learning new things each day. I follow my instincts better than I ever have. I come up with different ways to distract my baby when she gets fussy and it usually works. Of course I also have off days and feel up and down at times with different emotions and fears of not doing a good enough job as a mom. But when I look back at these past amazing 3 months, I'm comforted and reassured that I'm doing just fine. 

Motherhood is so much about finding self-kindness so that we can reflect that image back to our babies. They absorb everything and I have to remind myself to mindfully go about my day soaking up all the incredible baby love (and baby drool!) around me! What an awesome journey we’re so blessed to be on!

Sacred Morning Time

  

 

Mornings are so sacred, just as my mom said they'd be, with sweet Baby Luna. She is starting to sleep more in the night and only wakes up a few times to breastfeed so I feel a pattern may finally be emerging. Then this morning I signed up for a coaching call at 9am, thinking she'd be breastfeeding or napping, which is what we usually do in the mornings. And she was! She really has been very calm in the mornings lately, waking up very hungry but after nursing for a bit, sometimes off and on for an hour or so, she takes a delicious nap. It can be another hour or so and then she may have some adorable awake time before napping again, usually in the swing up to this point while Mommy finally prepares and hopefully eats breakfast. 

But because of the call this morning, I have become really aware with the rich silence that can happen each morning. I turned the TV off for a change--it’s had kind of a mindless numbing effect on me this past few months at home. I know my smartphone is also a time and energy sucker but at least I can do some worthwhile things on it, like writing my thoughts and memories down, blogging, staying in touch with friends and family, and reading different articles about parenting and wellness, for example. TV can also be beneficial at times, especially with history programs or funny movies, but I think it affects me when I watch too much because it's not in line with my beliefs of not having Baby Luna watch TV for the first few years. Same goes for the phone actually, which may be why my anxiety is up a bit overall. 

I know that was the case when I finally got organic shampoo for myself last year after hearing about how certain products can affect our overall health from so many chemicals. Something seemingly so simple, but as a result of the switch to organic, I felt so much better about what I was using on my body. Same goes for the food I put in my body too. I have fallen out of alignment with my most precious values and beliefs and this causes angst over time. Sure, it's survival at first because we’re running on little sleep and everything is so new, but 8 weeks in, I'm starting to realize how not staying true to what I believe in--in terms of healthy living for my baby and myself--really can take a toll on my overall wellbeing. 

Since discovering the beautiful silence of the morning, I'm going to start by taking quiet time to reflect and meditate while Luna sleeps, like I'm doing right now. (Writing is a form of meditation for me sometimes.) Through that reflection time, l hope to feel more energized and make choices throughout the day, when it’s possible, around my time and food that fill me up, rather than leaving me depleted.

Have you ever fallen out of alignment with your values? How do you get back in line? 

Rethinking Productivity and Self-Care as a New Mom

 

For more than 7 years, I read and studied about how to better manage stress, how to increase wellness, and how to practice more self-care. When pieces on parenting and stress management or self-care would come up, I would skim through them, not giving them as much consideration because I wasn’t a mom yet. For as long as I can remember though, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I would be a mom someday and for the past 6 or more years, I have been preparing for this beautiful roller coaster journey I’m now on as a new mom.

As much as one can prepare for a big event though, you never know how you’ll truly feel once you’re living in the actual event. And as many new parents have shared, sleep deprivation plays a big piece too. I consider us very lucky though because our baby girl, who is now almost 7 weeks old, has been a pretty good sleeper and hasn’t been particularly colicky thankfully either. We’re learning her cues and trying to figure out the signs of when she’s tired versus gassy versus hungry versus with a wet or dirty diaper. She is very expressive which makes our job that much easier. Or we are just psychic. :) I like to think the latter but I also love how expressive she is. Hee hee!

Apart from the general sleep deprivation everyone talks about, a more sensitive, emotional topic comes to my mind and heart that isn’t discussed as much, I don’t think. The feeling moms feel of birthing a part of their physical body and having that being detached from you. The simple act of cutting of the umbilical cord didn’t seem that monumental at that time, but it really was. It symbolized the journey of becoming a parent and of letting go little by little of our very creations. I don’t want to think about all the letting go yet that is to come in the far future when our baby girl grows up and moves on to live her big beautiful life, because for now, it’s the little things, the baby steps. Like for instance, today I had a dentist appointment, so I asked my mom to come with me to the appointment and watch Luna while I got my teeth cleaned. It went great thankfully and I only heard crying from my sweet girl towards the end of the appointment so my heart didn’t break open like it can when I hear her cry too much.

As our doula put it so beautifully, becoming a parent is like wearing our hearts on the outside of us. I most definitely feel that! And as my love grows for our sweet daughter, I feel it more and more. My heart aches physically almost when I can’t comfort her. Thankfully I have been able to stay home with her to care for her and respond to her needs so that her cries don’t go unanswered very often, but as time advances—way too quickly I might add—I know I’ll need to go to more appointments of my own and eventually my husband and I will want to go on a date night and we’ll have to leave our baby girl with family or friends or a babysitter. It’s just a part of life. So for now, little by little, baby steps is all I’m taking. It’s all my heart can take. I know my heart will stretch and my faith will grow so that it won’t break every time someone else watches her, but it’s really painful and tough at first. She’s my greatest creation. My magnum opus, as my own mother puts it.

But getting back to the title of this post, with all this in mind, I have had to begin to rethink what productivity means now. I am a list girl. That doesn’t necessarily mean I get everything done that I write down on my lists, but making to-do lists and project lists and self-care lists help give me a sense of control. If you were to give me a sheet of paper right now, I know I could easily jot down a whole page-full of things I want to do with Luna, get done around the house, cook for dinner over the next few weeks, etc. etc. But that is coming from my previous way of thinking, my pre-mom days. Now the number one priority on my to-do list is to feed my daughter and care for her. Then I also need to feed myself and care for myself. But what does that mean now? It’s a new paradigm for me. Since my baby is like an extension of myself and I care for her everyday, it almost feels like I can get away without caring for myself because I’m caring for her needs. But I know that’s not really the case. I need to care for my own needs too. How to juggle caring for a newborn and caring for the new momma that was just created as well? It’s truly a juggling act. But small baby step ideas are beginning to pop up in my head.

How to Care for My New Momma Self While Caring for My New Baby…

•  Read positive affirmations or articles/Meditate/Pray while breastfeeding
• Take deep breaths during each of Baby’s naps and/or relish in the joy of napping myself
• Mindfully and joyfully complete tasks like washing dishes, doing laundry, changing diapers
• Recognize and acknowledge what I’ve accomplished each day, even if nothing on the bigger to-do list got done, because the number one priority is feeding and caring for Baby and for myself these days
• Take walks outside with the stroller or baby wrap
• Make play dates with friends with babies for social interaction, connection, support, and fun
• Invite people over to visit Baby when needing more adult time and/or support
• Shower—and even take baths when possible!
• Say yes when help is offered
• Choose healthier food options to nourish the body
• Snack on fruits and veggies and protein
• Drink more water
• Stretch with Baby or while Baby naps
• Dance with Baby :)
• Sing to Baby and learn new songs!
• Read to Baby
• Share responsibilities with partner when possible
• Treat yourself—remember one or more of your favorite things and do that!
• Create something—make art again! Baby-related art counts!

See, this kind of list isn’t as overwhelming as my regular lists, because I can embed many of these items into my daily routine. I have to admit though that looking at the entire list does seem a bit daunting, but the blessing of a self-care to-do list is that you can try one thing at a time, add one thing per day or week or whenever you feel you need to, and its purpose is to help you recover from overwhelm and fill yourself back up, so there’s no need to overachieve or check everything off by a certain date. This is a list that will never be completed because it’s constantly needing to be repeated, and that’s a good thing. 

So let’s salute to self-care and rethinking how we look at productivity. Just checking one thing off my self-care list should be considered productive now in my new role as a momma. It’s going to take some time to get used to this new view, as with everything new, but little by little, I’ll take the baby steps necessary to care for both my sweet baby girl and this new momma I’ve become.

 

The Story of Birthing Our Amazing Miracle

 

It’s hard to put in words what an utterly incredible experience giving birth to a little human is. But I want to try because I want to remember as many of the beautiful details as I can years from now and especially when our baby girl grows up and is expecting a little human of her own.

Just thinking about the day before her birth when my husband and I went grocery shopping, I was still carrying her inside and my belly was very large. It’s quite surreal to think that less than 24 hours later, we had our baby girl in our arms and were beginning to get to know her at last. I do feel like I already knew her though because her sweet personality shone through during my pregnancy. Her gentle tapping when I’d put a pillow under my belly to sleep, her favorite froggie position on the left side of my belly—which is still her favorite sleeping position but now on our chests, her darling little hiccups that I could feel quite prominently in the final weeks of her gestation.

And when she entered the light and graced us with her presence in this beautiful and complex world, her sweetness continued to shine. She had inquisitive eyes as the doctor passed her sturdy little 9 lb, 4 oz body to me—they say babies can’t see very well in their first few weeks of life outside the womb but I loved seeing her beautiful eyes looking up at me and finding my breast quite quickly. I think I was a bit in shock from all that went on leading up to her grand entrance, but I still remember the overall sense of calm and being home at last when she was in my arms finally.

Earlier on the day of her birth, I began to have pretty regular contractions in the middle of the night, but my husband and I had seen these kind of cramps before—they were very similar to the menstrual cramps I endured before and after it was discovered that I had Nutcracker Syndrome 4 years ago. (The Nutcracker Syndrome is the entrapment of the left renal vein by the aorta and superior mesenteric artery, which causes extreme pain and/or chronic achiness in the pelvic region due to residual varicosities where the renal vein had to drain due to the entrapment. My husband reminded me later that I had always said that the Nutcracker-induced cramps were excellent practice for when I would be in labor someday and they were!) So we timed the contractions and waited for them to last at least 1 minute long and be 3-5 minutes apart, as we'd been instructed in our childbirth ed class, by our midwife and by our doulas. But they consistently lasted only 28-30 seconds long and came every 2.5 minutes. It wasn’t until I started to feel the urge to push with every contraction that we realized I was probably farther along in labor than we had initially thought. And within an hour, by 5am, with one of the pushing sensations, my water broke. My husband called our midwife and she said we should head to the birth center and to breathe through the pushing urges on the way there—we didn’t want to have our baby on the freeway! Wow!

Upon arrival at the birth center some 30 minutes from our house, the midwife checked to see how far dilated I was and discovered that I was fully dilated! We had gone through the entire first part of labor at home in the middle of the night on our own. Another wow!

I was invited to get in the jacuzzi tub at the birth center and begin pushing. It was quite surreal that everything was moving so fast. I didn’t know if we’d be meeting our baby girl within the next hour or if it would take longer, but I tried to breathe through all the sensations and feelings running through me and focus on pushing. To my surprise, I didn’t feel that much pain at that point, it was more like lifting weights or pushing something really heavy around. It was good ol’ physical work—no wonder this process is called labor, huh? :)  The pain had been more prominent early on when I thought I was only having early labor and at some point told myself this has to be the real thing because it was quite intense. All that we learned in our Birthing From Within childbirth education classes really did help—I remembered to breathe, I remembered to take breaks and close my eyes and even try to sleep between each contraction, I remembered to push the energy down, and I miraculously stayed calm.

It was such a natural process—one I knew deep down that my body was born to do, so I trusted and I felt secure with such an amazing group of kind souls around me to help me welcome our baby into this world. Our midwife, Andrea was there, her midwifery student, Felicia, our doula, Jennifer (who would have been happy to come to our house in the middle of the night to help us before heading to the birth center but we didn’t know we were so far along), my loving and supportive husband, Geovanny, and my amazing momma, Maureen. I know my brother-in-law was there somewhere too because he graciously picked up my mom early that morning and brought her to the birth center.

As the pushing progressed, everyone was so encouraging, telling me I was doing an awesome job and how impressed they were with how calm I was throughout it all.  That most definitely helped with what would next occur. Our baby girl took her first really big poo! Meconium is what it’s actually called. It’s the one sure thing that will turn a perfectly normal birth center birth into a hospital birth out of precaution for the baby, because if the meconium is inhaled into the baby’s lungs, she may need a suction right after birth, which is only at the hospital.

So our entourage packed up and got ready to head to the closest hospital, which thankfully was only about 5 minutes away. I was instructed to not push again—a very difficult feat after having pushed for the past several hours—and we all drove in a caravan to the hospital. I have to be honest here, I was not thrilled to have to transfer to the hospital. I really truly wanted to experience our baby’s birth in a more peaceful setting, but the next best thing was having all the peaceful people surrounding us there come with us to the hospital and advocate for us and support us. It almost felt like we took over the delivery room and were only using the facility in case we needed it. I liked that. The hospital staff probably felt a bit put off by so many capable birthing staff being with me but I felt secure. The doctor on call asked about my big scar, which was from the surgery 4 years ago to correct the Nutcracker Syndrome and which hadn’t been an issue during the pregnancy in the least bit. I almost got mad when another doctor came in and asked me the same question. This was not the time I wanted to be talking about an old surgery, which had nothing to do with the beautiful baby girl trying to make her grand debut this morning! But luckily a kind doctor was called in and had a big smile on her face and our birthing entourage helped explain my past health adventures. I remembered—quite miraculously I might add—that we had our birth preferences plan with us, in the event of a hospital transfer, and we were really impressed that the doctor and nurses respected our wishes and asked us questions before assuming anything.

One of the greatest surprise blessings of being transferred was that we were able to donate our cord blood, something I had wanted to do since I learned about it a few years ago but that wasn’t available at the birth center yet. That made me feel a little better about having a hospital birth. Also it was less than an hour from the time we arrived in the delivery room to when our baby girl was born so there was no time for the hospital to try to offer pain medicine or any interventions, and that made me feel really proud that we were able to stick to our original plan of a natural birth, despite having to go to the hospital in case our baby had inhaled any baby poo. Another concern that our midwife had warned us about was that we might not be able to do skin-to-skin right away if the baby needed a suction. That idea really broke my heart because I had read so many wonderful benefits of uninterrupted skin-to-skin time immediately after birth for the baby. Thankfully the kind doctor who helped us deliver the baby said that she would let me hold the baby and have skin-to-skin time right after the birth and they would check the baby out to see if a suction was needed. And luckily none was needed.

They still wanted to monitor our sweet baby girl and because she was born a very healthy 9 pounds, 4 ounces, they wanted to check her blood sugar as well. Our midwife told us that we didn’t have to stay overnight but that the hospital would recommend it. We decided to stay though just to be on the safe side and after such an adventurous 9 or so hours, it felt kind of nice to stay in one place for a bit. We got free food that was actually really good. The hospital took our baby girl’s footprints and gave us a keepsake which was really nice. We got to ask lots of questions about breastfeeding and later that first evening, we asked for help with our baby girl’s first bath, since she was covered in green meconium from labor. Of course there were some obvious differences in what the hospital believed and what we and our midwife believed, but I took all that information with a grain of salt and later asked our midwife for clarification.

Overall, for having things turn out differently than we had expected, which I’ve heard is the case in so many birth stories, things turned out really well. And we even got to visit with one of my co-workers who was scheduled to have her twins on that same day in the very same hospital. :) And a baby photographer came by before we left the hospital to take pictures of our sweet baby girl too. It was a good experience, and I’m really grateful we got to experience the birth center atmosphere too. I think its calming environment and energy really helped me through the unexpected events.

And then so much energy and focus and preparation is placed on the actual birth, but no one can really prepare you for the sheer and absolute and unconditional love you’ll feel for this little human that has entered your life all of the sudden. As our doula put it so beautifully, it’s like living with our hearts on the outside of our bodies now. So true. Our beautiful baby girl did wonderfully during the pregnancy and birth. And so we began the amazing journey into parenthood.

 

Finding Mindfulness in the Middle of the Night

After 9 months of beautiful anticipation, our sweet baby girl finally arrived three weeks ago today! As new parents, we prepared as best we could by taking classes, reading articles and talking with experienced friends and family, but at the same time we didn't really know what to expect. We knew there'd be sleepless nights and there'd be crying but we also knew we'd fall instantly in love forever with our amazing creation. 

Through that love and exhaustion and because of about 7 years of studying wellness-related topics on my own, I’ve realized that the trick, for me at least, is to practice self-kindness and love as often as possible. And when I feel super tired, I'm more susceptible to stress, but if I remind myself in those moments of afterwards to breathe and ground myself, I feel better.

That is why finding mindfulness throughout the day, but especially in the middle of the night when our baby girl needs us, helps me keep going and focus on the amazing little human in front of me. 

For me, finding mindfulness means taking the time to breathe, to go easy on myself when I don't have all the answers, to go at my own pace, to not feel pressured by others' ideas or expectations. Finding mindfulness really means making it a priority to savor as many moments as possible. I don't want to say every moment because when you haven't slept very many hours, some memories get blurry but practicing self-love and kindness by treating yourself nicely requires not being hard on yourself when you forget to savor every minute. We are human after all. But if we can return to mindful awareness as often as possible or as soon as we remember, we can savor so much more in life and enjoy all the beauty becoming a parent has to offer.

May we never lose sight of the sheer miracle of life we created!

 

How do you practice mindfulness when you're feeling really tired?

4th Post-Op-Iversary!

Four years ago today I had major open abdominal surgery to move my left renal vein down a little so it would no longer be compressed by my aorta and superior mesenteric artery (SMA), a condition I was born with but that doesn't manifest until your 20s or 30s typically. This condition is interestingly called the Nutcracker Syndrome, because the left renal vein is like a nut being cracked by the aorta and SMA. Symptoms vary but mine were extreme stabbing pain in my lower left pelvic area during menstration, caused by secondary internal varicose veins on my left ovary and the left side of my intestines and also chronic daily achiness from standing or sitting for too long. 

I feel extremely lucky to have had such amazing results after this surgery. The daily achiness virtually gone. The monthly menstrual stabbing pain minimized to a couple of painful hours rather than days. It was like I was given my life back. Early detection played a big part though. The first really bad pain occurred in January 2012, although I had started to feel increased nausea and dizziness the fall before that. Within 8 months, I was having the necessary surgery to open up my renal vein so that the secondary varicose veins could retreat or retire because they're no longer needed. Luckily for me, my body didn't have that much time to create millions of varicosities thankfully. 

I chose to have open surgery over having a stent placed in my renal vein because I knew I wanted to be a mom someday and the stent seemed way too risky with the movement of organs during pregnancy. I was not even married at the time but I knew in my heart that I needed to plan ahead for my future babies. I was however dating an amazing and caring man who is now my husband and father of our baby girl who is due in less than a month. :)

I'm also very thankful for not having a stent put in because my body told me shortly after the surgery how much it despises foreign metal objects by slowly spitting out each of the metal stitches that were placed during the open surgery. I don't know though if my body would have done so if I hadn't had a post-op infection in which the ER doctor, a week after being released from the hospital, had to reopen my wound and let it heal from the bottom up. This was to take about 6 weeks to heal, they told me initially. It didn't heal completely until all the metal stitches were spit out 4 months later. The wound had to be cared for twice or three times per day which my loving boyfriend did before and after work everyday for several months until I was strong enough to clean the wound myself. I couldn't bring myself to look at the open wound for about a month. It was very grotesque and upsetting. The pain of packing the wound with dry gauze multiple times a day was unbearable. This was to stimulate the healing process so the wound could heal from the bottom up, but boy was it awful! 

Soon after the wound had been reopened, one doctor was explaining the process and one term sounded like fireworks or something similar but my dear mom, who was caring for me after my surgery, couldn't remember the exact term so she called it a sparkler. And this is how my wound/scar got her name, Sparkle. It really helped to be able to call this big open area on my belly a nice name like Sparkle. She is still affectionately called that today, 4 years later. 

The whole healing process created a lot of anxiety and PTSD in me. Counseling and life coaching have helped immensely. And I'm so grateful to report that I'm now 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and have had minimal pain, hardly any of which have anything to do with the Nutcracker or residual pelvic varicosities. My husband and I also feel blessed in a way to have experienced such intense pain together because I always said the pain was preparing me for labor and now we're only weeks away from meeting our sweet baby girl who we hope to have naturally at a birth center. I never thought it'd even be possible with my past medical history but everything shows that I'm healthy and my body likes being pregnant. I feel so lucky to be able to experience such awe in creating a baby human being and be able to carry her for nine months while she develops. In all our checkups with the midwife, the baby seems very healthy and is growing so well. :)

It's been a long road but we're now going to be parents within the next month and we're overjoyed with this incredible blessing! Happy, grateful tears stream down my face as I type this. What an amazing journey!

 

 

Maternity photos by Kristina Slaney of Family Work Life at: https://familyworklife.myportfolio.com 

One Month To Go

Lately--obviously--really all that's been on my mind is our sweet baby getting ready for her world debut on or around September 2nd, which is one month from today. I had lofty goals of getting other things done in my life as well before her debut but now I'm really just hunkering down and embracing her pending arrival with love and patience and faith. I can't overdo it at this point. There are many things to get done at my work, many things to complete at home, many to-do lists to check off, and many things I'd like to do between now and when we get to meet our baby girl. The blackhole work has taken a pause--such is life. My budding coaching business has taken a pause as well--stay tuned for coaching packages available in 2017 though. :) And now most of my energy is dedicated to the greatest life transition of all--parenthood. It's really the ultimate lesson in letting go of perfection and embracing our whole selves, embracing the inherent love we have inside each of us. Because with all that love, we can really do anything. I pray I can keep positivity at the forefront throughout this beautiful journey we're about to embark upon, despite not sleeping as much or not knowing what we're doing all of the time. If we can fully embrace the journey, relish in the gratitude of being so blessed to be on this amazing journey, and fill ourselves up over and over again with the absolute love that we have for this sweet baby girl, we can accomplish anything.

You are so loved, Baby Girl!

Staying Grounded and Blogging from the Blackhole: Week 3

So I've begun to notice that the "Blackhole" can really be anything that triggers overwhelm. It doesn't just have to be a corner in the closet that overwhelms me or a pile of papers still lingering by the dresser, but it can also be a purse filled with a variety of to-do lists! That is what I discovered this week in my quest to blog from the Blackhole. Yes, I know--I'm probably starting to nest a bit as I have a little more than 9 weeks to go before we get to meet our beautiful baby girl. :) But I am also working through overwhelm and want to share a thought I've had recently.

One of the lessons I've begun to realize from my time with overwhelm and the Blackhole is that staying grounded is key. This is actually key for most of life's challenges and joys. Because no matter how happy, grateful, blessed, or stressed we're feeling, staying grounded will help us either relish in the beautiful moment or shift our view of the difficult moment and find the lesson in the present moment. And finding a lesson within a difficult moment is one of the only sure ways to gain perspective and start living in joy again.

I know that life isn't just about living in joy, because life's difficult moments help bring us to gratitude for the full range of feelings, emotions, and lessons we get to experience here. And that gratitude is what makes life matter.

With gratitude we are truly alive.

So my lesson for the next 9 or so weeks until I get to meet our truly miraculous and wonderful baby girl is to stay grounded in gratitude and in love.

It's a lesson for more than just the next few amazing months; it's a way of living life.

Overcoming Organization Overwhelm: Blogging From the Blackhole Week 2

As week 2 is almost halfway over already, I sit here on the couch contemplating the overwhelm that sometimes comes with getting organized by a deadline. I want to overcome overwhelm, and I also want to conquer my organizational challenges. 

But at the same time, I want to say YES to social functions we're invited to and fully enjoy the beautiful summer that has just begun. Nesting is one thing but having fun and enjoying friends' company is important as well. I wish there were a magic key to balancing it all. And I'm aware--or at least I think I am--of how much juggling we'll begin doing once our baby girl is here. That is after all a huge part of parenthood, isn't it? Finding harmony or at least peace with all the obligations and invitations and activities and much needed rest seems like a huge balancing act. 

So what to do? When I start to feel overwhelmed, or when I'm head first deep in overwhelm and find myself having a hard time catching my breath, a quiet voice inside tells me to focus on this moment. To be present. To breathe. To be grateful. If anything, we can always feel grateful for the ability to take a breath. And when we start feeling grateful for the simple things, we're able to start breathing again and our monkey minds may calm down a bit. That is when we can really that action.

It's nearly impossible--or at least very uncomfortable--to take action and move forward when we can't breathe. So I think that's my short answer. The breath is the key. The key to everything. We're learning about it at our childbirth education class and I've attended mindfulness and meditation retreats and classes about it. It can bring us out of the darkness and into the light again. 

What does mindfulness mean to you? How do you feel when you take several deep breaths? What do you already do that feels mindful or that you do with focused awareness of the present moment? How do you feel when you're being mindful? 

 

Live Life Fully

 

Live Life Fully. In honor of departed friends and family’s lives. I am almost 100% certain that that is what they would want for us. To LIVE. I write this on the one-year anniversary of my good friend, Autumn’s parting. And the 4-year anniversary of my friend, Christian’s parting. Both from stomach cancer. It’s an emotionally challenging day but after reading a message from Autumn’s dear mom yesterday, something stuck with me. Rather than getting caught in the whirlwind of painful and sad emotions and memories from this day, I want to honor my angel friends by living full out. That might mean something different for everyone but whatever living fully means to you, I recommend doing it. We have been given this incredible gift of life and part of that is learning to fully enjoy this gift and live life fully.

 

 “LLF” is what I wrote on my hand this morning before coming into work. I needed something to help me through the day, especially being surrounded by caring individuals all day but who had no idea what I experienced one year ago today. I was thinking and LLF can also stand for “Love Life Freely” and “Laugh, Love, Flow.” However you interpret it, LLF is a reminder to stay in the present moment, feel gratitude for this moment, and choose life.

 

 

So I dedicate this day and this post to my angel friends and to their families, friends & loved ones living fully in their honor.

 

Blogging from the Blackhole: My Journey to Organize Certain Hot Spots in Our Home Before Baby Comes (Week 1)

 

I think most people probably have one. They probably don't like to talk about it or even think about it too much. What's that, you say? A blackhole of stuff in your home. I have several. And like a blackhole, they suck my energy. Because I want to be energized from my home and not the opposite, I've been planning to clear one particular blackhole in our bedroom for some time now. But the mere fact that it sucks my energy to just think about it has stopped me from getting too far. That's when I remembered that this blog has been an excellent accountability partner in the past with creating positive habits, so I've decided to blog from the blackhole every week until it's cleared. If you have a similar area in your home, I invite you to join me. :) You never know what you might find!

 

Here are some steps to get started:

1) Think of a treat to reward yourself with when you get started or to motivate you to take the first step. :) Mine’s a root beer float (with coconut milk ice cream). Yum!

 

2) Take only a few things out at a time, especially if you're attempting this in the evening after a busy day. (I've said I'll work on this on the weekend but there's always something more fun to do so weeknights are a better option for me.

3) Remove the items from near the blackhole to work through them. It's important to find a space that isn't as cluttered so you can work more smoothly through the stuff.

4) Take a mini-break if you need to before digging in. You make the rules--it's not a competition so go at your own speed and do what feels right.

5) Dig in! Put on some upbeat music or a funny show you've watched before (nothing too distracting though).

6) You pick the length of time to work on this each day. It can be adjusted to best fit your busy schedule. Remember you're the boss! (This is totally a pep talk for me...hoping as I write this that I'll finally make some headway!)

There are lots of great resources, guides and ideas out there about organizing your living space and decluttering. Where I sometime feel resistance though is in all the steps and/or rules to follow. I don't want to have to look back at a guide to figure out the next correct step when I'm in the middle of the flow of disengaging the blackhole. I like the idea that I'm in charge. It takes some of the performance pressure off, at least for me. 

The balancing act is to show ourselves self-compassion and go at our own pace so we don't start pressuring ourselves to beat our earlier time. Yes, it does feel a bit like a race to the finish line because I'm 7 months pregnant, but I'm not going to let that rush me and cause me stress because then I'll most likely freeze up and be back at square one. 

So sit back, get cozy, and go through the stuff you find in the blackhole, little by little, at your own pace. :)

And take note while and after if your energy increases. I've only gone through two bags of mystery items from the blackhole and I already feel a little better from the baby steps taken tonight. (No pun intended. :) )

 

Angels All Around

I want to write a quick blog tonight to thank my devoted angels for protecting our baby girl and me yesterday. I was on my way to work like every morning, waiting at a stoplight when boom, I heard a loud noise and everything in my car lurched forward! Someone had just rear ended me. Because I was at a stoplight, thankfully it was at a low speed. But I immediately went into Mommy Mode and held my belly, praying our baby wasn't injured. I didn't feel any pain myself, only concern for my little miracle growing inside. After exchanging information with the guy who hit me, I called my husband and while on the phone felt the wonderful gentle kicks and pokes of our baby girl! Qué alivio! What a relief! She's moving! We still decided to call our midwife who recommended going to the ER to make sure the baby and her placenta were okay. 

We spent 3+ hours in the hospital and I signed the first paperwork as a parent, giving consent to monitor the baby's heartbeat and activity. The nurses were impressed that at only 24 weeks they could hear her heartbeat so clearly. She moved around a lot too which made me feel even more relieved. After monitoring for over an hour, they sent us home to rest. Only after getting home did I really start feeling sore but with a very grateful heart that our baby girl is healthy song wasn't affected by the accident. 

Our angels were truly watching over us and lessening the impact of the crash with their gentle wings. I know not everyone believes in angels but I have had them with me making sure I'm safe my whole life. I believe that my grandparents who I never had the opportunity to meet because they passed in a tragic car accident when my mom was only 16 are always with me. And in the past 5 years I have gained more angels. 4 close friends and my other grandma on my dad's side. I know in my heart that they are with me still, just in a different form. I consistently see hummingbirds, which are symbols from the after life, along with feathers and pennies appearing out of nowhere. I also notice when it's 11:11 and see these numbers frequently, which are said to be signs from the angels as well. 

So this post is dedicated to my angels and my baby's angels. We are forever grateful. Thank you for watching over us and softening the impact of the crash yesterday. And for all you do that we aren't even aware of yet. :)

I trust life because I know angels are real.

 

 

 

Grumpiness Hacks

On this lovely Friday afternoon, I'm feeling kind of grumpy. I know. I had to admit it but it's how I feel, and as a student of mindfulness, I've learned to acknowledge and accept all my feelings, even when they're not that pretty. My feet are swollen. My shoulder aches. Other than that, I don't have any physical complaints and I'm happily and gratefully almost 24 weeks pregnant with our first child, a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Just thinking about her cheers me up...which leads me to the title of this blog post: Grumpiness Hacks.

How do you pull yourself out of a grumpy mood? Do you just wait it out? Do you let it fester? Do you think of nice things that bring you joy? Do you go for a walk?

There are many things we can do to not feel grumpy, but my thoughts and intuition come back to what I first mentioned: mindfulness. Mindfulness teaches us that avoiding or putting a bandage over our hurts or irritations isn't actually very helpful. It just prolongs the effect. Or it can make us feel like we're denying a part of ourselves. Which may manifest as frustration or anger if we're not aware of what's going on inside ourselves. And frustration and anger lead to--you named it--more grumpiness.

So I'm steering clear of avoidance and ignoring my grumpiness. Instead I'm writing it out. That's one grumpiness hack that might work for some of you. Letting your creative juices flow in a constructive way--like with a purpose--can really shift your perspective and energy and before long, you may feel some relief from the grumpy cloud overhead.

I also plan to dance it out a little later. I haven't feel like I've been moving enough lately and when I don't move my energy around, I can feel stuck and stiff, which both can lead to grumpiness too. Moving my body to music or to the sway of the trees in the wind or to my own breath can do wonders for my mood, spirit and energy. I get back into the flow of life. I no longer feel stagnant, because I'm physically moving forward. :)

Spending time with funny people helps too, I think. If you can be in the presence of someone who genuinely makes you laugh (watching a funny video may help too but being in the same room with someone or over the phone--live--tends to bring that person's positive energy more quickly to you), the grumpy cloud will most likely shift too. It just depends on your sense of humor and if the kind of funny the person is being is medicine to your ears or if it's just making you feel more grumpy, which can happen.

In that case, taking your shoes off and walking outside in the grass or sand may really help. It brings us back to the earth and we simply walk the grumpiness down into the ground. The earth can handle it--it's okay.

Or if that's not possible, being around cute animals or cute little kids (depending on your personality preferences) can work wonders as well. The bubbly energy of a baby or laughing little one changes our perspective and reminds of our joy. The joy we hold inside always. Animals have an innocence about them (unless they are being sneaky or getting into mischief, that is) that also reminds us of the simple joys in life. A cat purring or a dog's waggy tail can perk you up very quickly, if you pay attention.

There comes the mindfulness again. Paying attention. Really if you have a moment to pay attention to yourself, to your needs, to your dreams, to your breath, then the grumpiness you've been feeling may start pealing away.

And what are you left with after you peal away the grumpiness? Yourself.

Your true self.

Which is made of stardust and sparkles, which exude joy.

And love.

There, I feel a little better already! :-)

Creative Stress Management--The Class

This coming Sunday I'll be facilitating a class on creative stress management, a topic that has been near and dear to my heart for many years. Through trial and error and working in social services, giving my heart and energy to others, I realized that I needed to focus more on managing stress and developing wellness practices. Through many years of research and a passion for shining light on others' creativity, I've developed a class that I'm happy to present to the world this Sunday.

Nearly two years ago in 2014, I facilitated my first official workshop on creative stress management through collage for a professional development day at Edmonds Community College, where I then worked. I provided blank notebooks and each participant used the cover page as the backing for their collage. They were instructed to rip or cut out any images or words that spoke to them. They could then use the notebooks later to record their dreams and goals or for anything they liked. There were no other rules. They were the bosses, and they loved it! And I fell in love! I realized quickly that this is something I want to share with more people and at the same time, something that puts me in my own creative flow.

Several months later, I had the opportunity to combine mindful breathing with collage at another professional development day but this time at Bellevue College. I absolutely loved seeing the relaxation on participants' faces and in their shoulders as they followed a simple breathing exercise. Our collages that day also focused on specifically on work-life balance.

Then last summer in 2015, I had the opportunity to lead another mindful breathing exercise and collage session for a wellness challenge at Lake Washington Institute of Technology. Again, the experience reaffirmed my passion for helping others feel stress relief and move towards a greater level of well-being. And people began to request more opportunities to rip and tear inspirational images and words from magazines and flyers to create their own unique visual oasis! I offered 3 more sessions--one focusing on goal setting, another on our personal missions, and the latest session with a group of early childhood education employees on a professional development day.

In addition to workplace creative stress management, I've hosted several collage parties for friends over the past several years as well, at first to try out my ideas and make sure they flowed well and then to continue spreading the creative stress management love. And it's more fun to create and inspire when you're in the company of friends!

With that said, I also enjoy creating when watching TV, when I want to refocus on my wellness and goals, when I'm just hanging out, when I feel inspired, so since I created my collage notebook two years ago, I have filled the pages of the notebook with mini-wellness collages. It's now one of my prized possessions. Think vision boards, but in miniature and mobile form. I can take the notebook anywhere or turn to a particular page and focus on it to feel a renewal of inspiration.

As you can tell, I'm wild about creative stress management and I can't wait to share it with more people. If you're interested in attending my upcoming class on May 1st, please send me an email at: maret.carrillo@gmail.com. More information is below or you can visit: www.facebook.com/owningyourgoodness. (You can pay the supplies fee when you arrive on Sunday.)  Looking forward to creating greater wellness with you!

Ecua-Gring@ Miracles

Four more months to motherhood—only 20 or so more weeks before we get to meet our little ecua-gring@! Wow! It’s hard to believe that I’m already 20 weeks along! But then again, we’ve done so much in the last 5 months. Picture this: just 5 months ago, my husband and I were visiting the magical coastal village of Canoa in Ecuador while on vacation. There was a soft breeze, beautiful waves, warm sand under our toes, great people all around, a sense of peace that came over us in this magical place on Earth.

Tragically this past Saturday Canoa and many other coastal villages and towns in Northern and central Ecuador were destroyed after a 7.8 earthquake hit. Over 500 didn’t survive. Hundreds are still missing. Many more are injured and even more have lost their homes and businesses. Hundreds of aftershocks have occurred in the same area since Saturday and one early this morning was 6.2 on the Richter scale! We pray the rescuers can find more survivors today and that the aftershocks finally stop. I just can’t imagine the terror and trauma the survivors are living right now. It has been an extremely emotional week, to say the least.

One uplifting thing though, despite all the devastation and tragedy, is seeing how the Ecuadorian people have united to support the affected areas. Lines of people in the major cities form to provide donated items and caravans of donations are on their way to the Manabi and Esmeraldas provinces, which were most hardly hit by the earthquake. The Ecuadorian community abroad where I live in the Seattle area have come together quickly to put together a fundraising event this Sunday so all the proceeds can go to helping the victims of this tragic natural disaster recover and rebuild their lives.

Blogs and articles have been written about donation sites for those who are far away and still want to help. I know it’s still not enough because the damage is so massive, but it does fill me with a little more optimism and hope for the future for everyone affected by this disaster.

And this very same week on the homefront, our baby has started to tap! I wouldn’t call it a kick or jab yet, but just two nights ago I started feeling a tap-tap from inside, especially after eating something sweet. I know the baby has been moving all around for awhile now but he or she is finally big enough to tap me! Our little ecua-gring@. And tomorrow we get to see our baby on the ultrasound to make sure everything is developing well and to find out the gender!

So many different kinds of emotions, and add pregnancy hormones to the mix and you have one weepy mama here. And on top of it all, the many things I have been meaning to start doing during my pregnancy are starting to catch up with me—prenatal yoga, reading all those great holistic pregnancy books, reading more about bilingualism and child development, learning more lullabies, taking birthing classes, preparing for my maternity leave at work, going on more romantic dates with my hubby, organizing the house, starting my coaching business—eek! And all this is supposed to take place in the next 3.5 months—holy cow! That’s not that much time, is it? It’s amazing how fast 40 weeks can go by. Truly it is! It also helps me think about prioritizing because that is A LOT to try to get done in such a short amount of time when I’m also working full time, when we have a busy social and family schedule, when I’m offering my first stress management class in the community on May 1^st, when we’ve had visitors from Ecuador and New York over the past month, when we sometimes just want to (and need to) rest and relax and have a little fun. So staying realistic about how much I truly expect myself to accomplish while I only have a little over a month left in the 2^nd trimester and then the 3^rd trimester begins! Wow! It’s all very exciting though!

It’s really hard to describe the vast range of emotions I’ve felt this week—the roller coaster of fear, despair, horror, sadness with the news of the earthquake in Ecuador, and then hope and gratitude for all the support of the victims, and love and excitement filling my heart for the new life developing inside me. Wow. This is life, huh? The full range of it. The good, bad, ugly, beautiful, and miraculous parts of life.

Click here for more information about my upcoming class on creative stress management.

Stress Awareness with Love

Lately it's been increasingly difficult to stay grounded and manage the stresses of life. I think a great deal of the stress I'm feeling is from the collective--the high levels of anxiety this political year has brought. And as we are expecting a baby later this year, I also have newfound concerns--first to not let the stress consume me because I know it's not healthy for the baby or for me, and second how safe will this world be for our baby. 

I really feel that one of the most powerful things we can do in any trying time is to do our best to shine our loving light bright into the world. So that involves some filtering of news for me. If it's going to get me hyped up and angry, and I'm already tired of feeling particularly ungrounded, then maybe it's not the best time to read about or hear those news or stories. Not that they don't matter but in order for my light to continue to shine bright to bring hope to others, feeling grounded and peaceful is key.

I've also felt more annoyed lately than I normally feel, and I know in part it's a result of the baby making hormones, but I also like to reflect on how or whatever or whoever is bothering me is shining a light on a part of myself that I find annoying or that I'm not comfortable or that pleased with. A good dose of self-love and compassion can really help remedy this, but also the sheer awareness that it might not really be about the other person or event that is annoying. Everyone serves as our guides and teachers if we choose to see them from that light.

Much more reflective work needs to be done before many of us can figure out what certain presidential candidates are here to teach us, but I think we can begin by practicing on smaller annoyances or things that rub us wrong. Because through practice and greater awareness, many “ah ha”s are released and we’ll receive the answers we may have forgotten that we asked.

Life is truly about increasing our awareness and our ability to give and receive love.

What do you think?

Leaping Forward on Leap Day

“Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.” ~Mary Ann Radmacher

Today is February 29^th. It feels kind of funny—and fun to write that because it’s not a common day, is it? I was just thinking about it actually and we won’t have this day again until 2020. Wow. Think about that for a bit. What do you think you’ll be doing on February 29^th, 2020? How will your life be different? How will it be similar? Who will you be spending your day with then? Maybe that’s why it’s called Leap Year. Because we can take a leap into the future (and past if we choose) and imagine all we’ll accomplish in the next four years. All the adventures we’ll go on. All the love we’ll give. 

Sometimes it’s helpful to look back as well, but only in reflection upon the lessons we’ve learned, I think, and on how far we’ve come. What were you doing on February 29^th, 2012? I love numbers and dates so I’m pretty sure I celebrated in some way, but I don’t remember many specifics from that day. I do know I had just had my first surgery ever four years ago this month. And it pretty much confirmed that I had a rare condition called the Nutcracker Syndrome, in which my left renal vein was trapped or smooshed by my aorta and superior mesenteric artery, causing the blood to flow from my kidney in a different direction towards my left ovary, creating internal varicose veins which when swollen caused achy pain and during certain times of the month, excruciating pain. I’m very grateful to say that four years later, my renal vein is flowing properly now, the varicose veins are not causing hardly any discomfort, and I’m 13 weeks pregnant! An amazing little miracle is growing inside me and that wonderful little being will be 3 and a half years old next time we have a February 29^th and celebrate Leap Day!

Do you do anything special on Leap Day or during Leap Year? If not, would you like to start a new tradition? It seems like a good time to reflect on our journey in this beautiful life and to envision what the future may hold for us. It’s also a great time to start taking consistent baby steps towards reaching those goals and dreams of yours. You don’t have to wait until New Year’s to do so. Or if you had a plan that you began on January 1^st and it’s been hard to keep, now is as good of a time as any to reevaluate why that plan may have been difficult to maintain and adjust and start again. 

What’s one way you can create a new positive habit today that will get you one step closer to your dreams? Because once it becomes a habit, each day you will take one more step and before you know it, you’ll be creating new dreams or adding to your current dream. And when you look back to reflect on those steps, you’ll be in awe of all you’ve accomplished because you took that one step today on February 29^th. Let me know how it goes. :-)