Letting Go to Make Room for New

Fin de Año 2013

Wow! Well, the end of the year is upon us and we have so much to celebrate and be thankful for and also much to let go of and leave in the past. I'm excited about all the possibilities to come in 2014!

I participated for the 4th time in the Burning Bowl Ceremony at Seattle Unity on Sunday. This ceremony gives us an opportunity to literally see the things we want to release from the previous year burn up in flames. It has been a very powerful and cleansing process for me and I am very grateful to my friend, Julie for taking me to my first Burning Bowl in 2010. 

This process also reminds me of the Ecuadorian New Year's tradition of burning paper mâché lifesize dolls called "añoviejos" or "old years" that represent all that you'd like to let go of from last year at midnight. 

This year after I burned my "añoviejo" at Unity, I was given a card with a word and affirmation for the new year. My word was "zeal," which goes very nicely with my next creative project for the month of January. My card said that "I am energized by the power of God's or the Divine presence in my life this day. My enthusiasm comes from the deep well of God Love or Divine Love that is the source of all life. My joy is contagious and I shine my light in the world." I just love this as a point of focus to start this new year off on a positive and light foot! 

Thanks to the awesome and inspiring project of my creative friend, Angie, I'm going to participate in Fun-A-Day this January. Each day in January I will either:

*Make a pair of earrings

*Take nature photos

*Dance, or

*Write.

And I will record my creative endeavors here on this blog. So really for me, it will be a blog-a-day for the month of January. I think positive habit-forming motivation like this will really help with this SAD weather! And I think it will also be a great start for my very own Happiness Project! My mom gave me The Happiness Project for Christmas and since then I've been feeling inspired to start my own project to focus on increasing happiness in our lives.

My hope is also to start a habit of being creative everyday and choosing happy, joyful activities over vegging out and feeling SAD from the dreary winter. I'm looking forward to it! Maybe you'd like to join me?

Wishing us all the freedom of New Year's and a 2014 filled with joy, courage and inner peace!

Vulnerability As Strength

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." 
~Brene Brown

I’m just going to put this out there: opening up in my writing and publishing these pieces on my blog is pretty scary at times.  Being vulnerable to possible criticism, misunderstanding, anger, pain is a real challenge.  But I have realized through past posts that the times I am most vulnerable and open in my writing are the posts my readers most enjoy.  It is compelling to read someone’s honesty, to see inside someone’s heart.  It can be rare to be given that opportunity.  There has been a lot of buzz about the word and concept of vulnerability lately, thanks to Brene Brown’s amazing work.  (I am super excited and grateful that my dear mom gifted me two of Brene Brown’s books yesterday!  If you haven’t heard of Brene Brown’s work, please check out her website here.)  

I feel a lot of resistance to being vulnerable sometimes, especially because of past hurts.  I’m trying really hard to let these painful memories go so I can free up space for new light and joy in my life.  Holding on to them weighs me down and makes me feel heavy and closed off to the world.  I want to feel open and passionate.  Having your guard up is a natural protection mechanism but it doesn’t bring any joy into your life.  It only stops everything from coming in.  I have been very adamant about remaining open despite getting hurt, but it is easier said than done sometimes, especially when you receive multiple blows and forget to stay centered, or in my case, your center is literally cut open.  This has affected me immensely.  More than I can describe in words.  

I have to reframe how I view what happened to me last year in a more positive light though, because thinking my spirit has been kind of broken from all the pain and suffering endured does not help me move forward and shed all the layers of painful memories from my back.  Only when I focus on all the strength and wisdom and awareness I have gained from the experience can I then begin to put one foot forward and then the other, slowly but at least in a forward direction again.  I must stop turning around to look over my shoulder at all that has happened.  And instead look at where I am right now, in this instant.  If I look too far forward into the future, fear can paralyze also, so my challenge is to stay in the moment.  Enjoy the present.  Be grateful for where I am right now.  Find peace in my heart that everything is going as planned.  Have faith that I am strong enough to handle anything with grace and love.  

I so want to embody this quote by Rumi:

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."  

My physical wound from last year has been healed for one year now.  The emotional trauma however is taking longer to get past, but as Rumi said, it is where the light comes in.  If you let the opening in your armor just be and sit with it, trusting everything will be okay and not fighting the fact that it exists, incredible things can occur in your life.  A light far greater than you could ever imagine can fill your heart and soul and transform the way you think and perceive life.  

I recently listened to a talk at Center for Spiritual Living online and Kathianne Lewis said that angels manifest in our lives whenever we have high thoughts or thoughts of greater awareness--epiphanies as I like to call them.  So even when we feel that we are not moving forward as much as we would like to, perhaps physically if we have had health challenges or with our life goals, if we are having these high thoughts and understanding humanity or ourselves a little better, we are being supported by these angels in our lives who help us understand what is happening and recognize the grace in each situation.  And through this divine assistance, we are growing and changing and moving forward as spiritual beings.

I will leave you with one more quote on vulnerability:

You don’t always have to be strong.

You don’t always have to fight off those tears.

Sometimes it’s good to let them flow and let it go.

All your holding back can just keep building it all up.

It’s alright not to have it all figured out yet.

Give it time to unfold.

~Karen Salmansohn

Getting My Sparkle On

Over the past two years, I have learned way more than I could have ever imagined about my physical and emotional body.  I thought I had been put to the test the year before but I had absolutely no idea what was in store when the Nutcracker hit.  Nearly two years ago, in January 2012, I experienced a very extreme case of pain one snow-day.  It felt as if someone or thing was stabbing me with a sharp knife in the lower pelvic region.  I worried that I might have something rupturing inside and thought of calling someone but the nausea and dizziness and pain engulfed me and I almost passed out.  My now husband called me right in that instant to check on me because I had felt kind of nauseous earlier that day, and he immediately left work to come and take me to the hospital.  Of course the first visit to the ER didn't find anything.  They thought I had possibly eaten something that caused this pain.  They really didn't know, even after doing several tests and four plus hours later.  Then the following month, another episode happened while I was at work.  My co-workers said I turned as pale as a ghost and I nearly passed out there too.  This time I was taken to an urgent care facility who referred me to a GI doctor, in case what they had said the month before was valid.  A few days later, I went for a CT scan where the Nutcracker was discovered.  It took several more months to confirm this but in the end, I had open abdominal vascular surgery to move my left renal vein down a few centimeters so it would no longer be "nutcrackered" by my aorta and superior mesenteric artery.  This nutcrackering effect had resulted in varicosities below my kidney region which were extremely painful.  Imagine a normal sized river trying to fit all its water through tiny streams when the river got blocked by, let's say, a beaver dam. (To read more about the Nutcracker Syndrome, read my Nut Notes blog from last year.)

I consider myself so very fortunate to have been referred to the right doctors in a relatively quick timeframe so that I didn't have to live with the increasing pain and discomfort, even from standing or sitting for more than 10 minutes, very long.  The active life I knew before the Nutcracker had almost completely come to a stop, my twice weekly zumba and other dance classes became almost non-existent as the pain got more and more plaguing.  But then came recovery.  The doctors had estimated 5-6 weeks after my open surgery.  They had not anticipated the surgical infection I got because I was so healthy and young, compared to many of their other vascular patients.  The infection was deep, probably happening during the actual surgery, and took a very long time to heal.  But the pain and suffering it caused as I had to have dressings changed twice or three times daily for four long months was even worse.

Within several weeks the actual infection was gone, but I was left with a very open wound that my now husband and mom took loving care of everyday, twice a day for four months.  The risk of further infection was great if this wound wasn't cared for properly and I am again extremely lucky to have such a loving and caring partner and mom in my life.  They took such good care of me.  Honestly, I'm not ready to write about all the painful details of the ordeal, but I do want to reflect on all that I learned from the experience, now that it's been one whole year since my wound finally healed completely.

Early on the doctors described to us what needed to happen for my wound to heal and they used a term that my mom and I couldn't quite remember afterwards.  My mom and I joked that fireworks or "sparklers" needed to happen in order to regenerate new tissue in the location of the wound, healing from the bottom up.  Now I can't even remember the actual medical term for this phenomena but since this wound was requiring so much love and care and energy from us all, I felt we should name her.  So "Sparkle" it was.  I hoped and prayed for the day when Sparkle would become a Sparkle Scar and I could put scar gel on her, rather than fill her with painful gauze and tape her down onto my tender belly skin everyday.  And that prayer was answered finally after over four months last December.  I had recently attended a church service at the Center for Spiritual Living on 12-12-12 with my dear friend, Julie and her family and we were asked to share prayer requests so I felt I had to say something.  I shared my story briefly and after the service, a woman--or I'd say an angel--approached me and told me that she did healing energy work and would like to sit with me for a few minutes.  I am a very open-minded person and welcomed any and all possible healing for Sparkle so I gratefully agreed.  She sat next to me for less than five minutes, putting her hand over my heart and near my abdomen while breathing deeply.  Within 4 days, Sparkle was completely healed and turning herself FINALLY into a scar!  I will be forever grateful for this anonymous and powerful healing.

So what did I learn from this experience?  Now that it's been one whole year and I'm still regaining my physical strength after being so inactive during the chronic pain from the Nutcracker and then from the long healing process of Sparkle--even 8 minutes of yoga on my TV this morning thoroughly tired me out--I can view the experience from a distance and instead of remembering all the pain and suffering, I can begin to see all the beauty and love that I received during that time.  Not only did I grow even closer to my dear mother who cared for me at every minute for over a month straight and then came to my house to care for my wound everyday after I moved back home, but I discovered and affirmed my soulmate and life partner and knew with all my heart how absolutely dedicated and devoted he was and still is to me. We married four short months after Sparkle became a scar.

Once I was able to walk around and drive on my own, I learned that despite almost all my body's energy going to healing Sparkle, I was still able to be in a beautiful wedding as a bridesmaid, even if I had to sit down during the ceremony on a little bench they provided for me.  I took a trip on my own as I travelled to Chicago for my dear friend, Rosey's baby shower while Sparkle was still healing, and I created 40 pairs of earrings to sell at the college's holiday craft fair.  I moved into a sparkling new apartment after being in my condo for seven years.  I sat by my grandma's side on her last conscious night here on Earth and laughed with her and held her hand as she began her transition to Heaven.  My life continued, I didn't stop for very long.  I remember every bump in the road, literally, but I am also grateful for not feeling pain every time we hit a bump in the road anymore.  I sometimes may not feel as strong as I really am but my strength is in there, it lies deep within me and helps me propel my life forward in new and positive directions everyday.

So the morale of the story is to never give up.  Never give in either.  Keep living, create beautiful experiences, even when your current situation isn't perfect, isn't exactly as you'd like it to be.  Because despite all the pain and suffering I felt, I have so much to show for that time in my life and so much to be proud of and remember fondly.

I learned to not take the simple things for granted. I learned to take things one at a time, and if I still get frustrated sometimes about not being able to do as much as I'd like, I've learned to be patient. I'm still learning to be patient. (This is a lifelong learning journey, but a very important one.) I now have great empathy for others who are in pain. I have the gift of putting myself in their shoes and almost literally feeling or imagining what they might be going through. I am extremely sensitive but also extremely aware. I have learned that not everyone will like what you say or what you do or what you share. But that what's most important to me is being authentic, being real, being open. Being open in the face of fear and uncertainty has brought me so many more blessings and opportunities than I could have ever imagined.

I learned how fragile life as we know it--and so often take for granted--truly is. I've learned how beautiful and delicate and graceful life can be, if we can enter into the mindset that all this is made for us.  I'm learning to trust all this wisdom from within and from others and take comfort in that trust, that faith.

I have learned to be grateful for all the little things--the little improvements, little epiphanies, little joys, little breaks, and the little sparkle we discover, recognize and share in our everyday lives.

Breathing and Trusting You Have Everything to Gain

"Forgiving isn't something you do for someone else; it's something you do for yourself.

It's saying 'you don't get to turn me into a victim. You are not important enough to me to be the object of my hate.' Once you do that, your enemy stays chained to his past history. But you, you're free."

~Jodi Picoult in The Storyteller

Wow! Those are such powerful words! The act of forgiving is a very difficult task to take on. But I've found it is so very important. If we just try to cover old resentments and hurts up and ignore them or try to forget them, they come back to us quadrupled in the form of stress oozing out of us, physically, mentally and emotionally. But it's quite a spiritual act, the trusting that forgiving is really good for you and nothing will happen to the person who wronged you either way, whether you continue to hold on to what they did with your teeth or packed up in your chest, not allowing your light to come out, or by letting it go. I feel that our creativity is also stunted if we don't make a conscious effort to forgive. When I'm most creative and open and loving, I've finally let go of the grip I had on things that weren't fair or hurt me deeply. That grip paralyzes our ability to brainstorm new ideas and solutions and create new realities for ourselves. We get stuck thinking about what happened if we keep holding on to it, or squirreling it away, as Jodi Piccoult wrote in The Storyteller.

It's almost like we hang on to these painful memories because if we don't, we think we're not giving our feelings enough importance. "What do you mean I have to let go of what so-and-so did to me?" We tell ourselves that it's not fair, but the irony is that what's not fair is really what we are doing to ourselves by holding tight to these indiscretions. 

But how, you might ask, do we let go of what someone did to us? I still struggle with this, even after reading article upon article about the topic. But what seems to work every time is breathing--and that's a very important piece to remember, it's not that once you say "ok, I forgive you," that it'll be all healed up in your heart and it won't bother you anymore. It's really something you have to work on regularly, at least at first. But if you're like me, and are prone to remembering how much so-and-so hurt you over and over again, it'll take time. It'll require creating a habit of breathing into the hurt or angry feelings and consciously letting the grip in your chest unwind, metaphorically unbinding that past pain from your core and releasing it into the ground or air or wherever you'd like to send it--as long as it's not inside you anymore--with your out breath. Isn't the image of breathing in fresh, calming, peaceful, loving air into your core and then breathing out all the negative, painful emotional gunk you've been keeping in there such a relieving, hope-filled thought? 

Practice. Practice. Practice. That's what it'll take. Trusting. Trusting. Trusting. Trusting that YOU will really be the one who has everything to gain from forgiving, and knowing that it no longer has ANYTHING to do with the other person. What a relief!

Recognizing the Unhealed Parts of Me

 

“What angers us in another person is more often than not an unhealed aspect of ourselves. If we had already resolved that particular issue, we would not be irritated by its reflection back to us."

~Simon Fuller

"I’m learning to hold the little hands of those scared parts inside of myself, and just sit with them.  They love this.”  ~Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy aka. SARK

 

What are the unhealed parts of myself?

What an empowering and proactive way to look at yourself—what are the unhealed parts of me?  If I look at all the things that bother me or irritate me or make me flustered, I think I know deep down that those are the unhealed parts.  When I don’t feel in control, when I feel pressured, when I don’t have the answer, when I feel stuck, when someone judges me, when someone talks back to me, when I feel rushed.  

The list could probably go on and on.  But what’s most important is recognizing that these parts of my being are just scared.  They’re scared of failing, of not doing well, of being uncomfortable, of experiencing pain.  And as the SARK quote goes, if I pay attention to them—with non-judgmental attention—and show them love and compassion, these parts will relax.  They’ll stop resisting reality and just be, rather than create friction in our lives and inside ourselves by fighting what’s a part of us.  It’s not to say that we should just roll over and let all them take over and bother us; it’s to say that if we recognize these parts of ourselves and let them be, rather than trying to fight them all the time or ignore that they even exist, we can feel more peace.

Beware: Relapses of Perfectionism May Occur

I had been rather proud of my "recovering perfectionist" self-identified status until recently when I was preparing to give a workshop and felt like I wouldn't be able to do my best job because of limited time and not wanting to let anyone down. I became extremely pessimistic and felt like I would fail. Well, that was the perfectionism rearing its ugly head. Nothing else. I did just fine, got lots of positive feedback and I feel good now about the work I did to prepare for these two recent workshops. So in all honesty I was completely off base when that darned perfectionism relapsed before each workshop. And here I had thought that I was pretty much cured, viewed myself as so much farther along in "perfectionism remission" than other perfectionists I saw. While all along my perfectionism still flares up, like a chronic ache of pain, plaguing my world view and logical thinking, filling me with fear. It would be best to not be so cocky about this from now on. Being a recovering perfectionist is not something to take for granted, I've learned.  It’s hard work and constant work to be ahead of your perfectionism.

Oh, and that fear thing. I've read a lot about fear lately but don't always relate to the specific term “fear,”--well, better put, I feel some resistance inside to the term--but when you put it in the context of perfectionism, the fear of not being perfect is very real and relatable. I don't think I'd realized how much this fear still controls me, or tries to control me. Luckily I think that once we become aware of what is happening inside us, we come from a place of strength and have the power to effect change in that moment then. We are empowered. When I am in this healthy state of mind once again, I think and see myself and my reality more clearly and can talk myself down from irrational thinking and remind myself of what I do well and that I always do my best.  I’m no longer controlled by that nagging voice that visits from time to time when I’m not paying attention, when I’m not aware, when I’ve let my guard down.  But we need to constantly maintain that awareness or else, beware: relapses of perfectionism may occur.

I Trust Life Because I Know Angels Are Real

Tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of when my dear friend, Jill became an Angel.  I am so blessed to have been touched by her grace and friendship in my life and in the past three years since her passing, I have continued to feel her presence and guidance and support in my life.  I have been through hell and Heaven these past three years in more ways than one might imagine, but I have grown leaps and bounds as a human being, with my intuition blossoming, my spirit beaming, my awareness of self developing more and more with each new day and experience, my heart opening wide after being punched and filling with more love than I could have ever imagined three or four years ago.

I would like to write that I wish my amiga, Julita (her nickname en español) had been there to see all these amazing changes, but I know she has been there for each and every one of them.  When I see a hummingbird in the dead of winter, I know it’s her.  Or when I hearing the buzz of a baby hummingbird’s delicate wings, I am comforted that her spirit still accompanies me.  When I see a beautiful, colorful sunset or a break in the clouds with a glimmer of sunshine or blue sky peeking through, I know her light will always surround us all with love.  When I remember to breathe while feeling especially stressed, I know she is holding my hand and encouraging me.

I also know that Jill would want me to take credit for all these incredible triumphs as well, and I’m slowly learning the importance of recognizing one’s own strengths and giving myself credit when credit is due.  But my confidence grows even more when I remember that I’m never alone, I’m always accompanied by loving, caring angels who help me journey into my soul and learn from within more and more everyday.

I trust life because I know Angels are real.  I heard this last spring from the inspiring astrologist/psychologist, Debra Silverman, as a mantra for overcoming fear, and I used to repeat it to myself.  Now it’s more of a reminder of what I already know to help strength my trust muscle. This muscle needs regular workouts and lots of TLC. If left unattended, it can wither back into a big scared cat, but when I remember my angel friend watching over me, along with my angel grandparents and angel babysitter and other angel friends, I know I am taken care of and can fall back into the net of love and relax and try to really enjoy this beautiful life we're living.   

Gracias, Julita, por compartir tu espíritu tan bello y fuerte con nosotros, aun cuando ya no estás aquí con nosotros en forma física. Estoy tan bendecida de haberte conocido hace casi una década y siempre estarás conmigo en lo bueno y lo difícil, apoyandome y dandome animo para seguir adelante. Te quiero mucho, Amiga linda. Te extraño muchísimo.  

Love always,

Marita

Never Take For Granted The Good Days

I was home sick today and felt incredibly miserable at one point. I didn't have enough energy to sit up and the lower abdominal pain radiated all the way down my legs. But as the pain eased a little, I was able to remind myself that this is only one or two days a month, instead of everyday. Last year I felt an aching pain everyday (see My Nut Notes blog post from last year on my rare vascular condition for more details)--when I stood for more than 10 minutes, when I went shopping, when I walked for more than 10 minutes, when I sat on a hard surface, even when I went to the movies. It was a nagging debilitating pain that affected my everyday life. But now I have been given the gift (read about my surgery on my One Year Post-Op blog post)--because it truly is a gift and I am so lucky to have been given this--of feeling pretty darn healthy throughout the month and only have a day or two when I feel terrible. A few months ago, I didn't even feel that terrible. So I really need to remember to count my many blessings and never take for granted all those good days--the 28 out of 30 days each month that I live virtually pain-free now.

One thing that seems to help that my wonderful husband has taught me is to name the feeling I'm experiencing in those desperate moments. This morning he asked me what I was feeling in that moment of agony and I would call out "pain," then "nausea," followed by "dizziness," etc. and it seemed to give those feelings a voice so they wouldn't all glob together in one big pain attack anymore. In a sense, I also felt more in control of the pain because I had named the different parts of it; I had identified the culprits and communicated them out loud.

As I'm typing this now, I feel a slight twinge of pain and a headache and a little dizziness if I turn my head too quickly, but overall I feel much more human again and that is such a blessing. I know we all struggle with daily stresses and things that frustrate us or get us down, but I feel so fortunate to be able to walk and talk and sit and go about most of my days without much pain or nausea or dizziness. It feels great to be alive and human and for the most part pain-free!

So I share these thoughts here as reminders for myself in the future, if the pain returns, and also to stay focused on all the beauty of each day and all the simple joys, despite all the troubles, that we are blessed with each and everyday. We can breathe in and out deeply. We can go outside and enjoy nature in all her splendor. We are alive. We are blessed.

A Strengths-Based Approach to Life

My mind has just been brimming with ideas of different possible applications for what I learned last week at a very inspiring and thought-provoking training called Dependable Strengths.  What are Dependable Strengths, you might ask?  Well, I think the definition may be a little different for everyone who experiences this training.  For me, the essence of the Dependable Strengths Articulation Process, which was created by the late Bernard Haldane back in 1945 after World War II, involves a group of individuals who share positive life experiences with one another and through this purposeful storytelling, begin to identify and uncover the inner talents and gifts that lie within each of us.  This process has been used with job-seekers, veterans, alumni, the elderly, church members, elementary-aged children, middle schoolers, high schoolers, and college students, but I think the sky is truly the limit!  Through the careful discovery of our natural talents, we can then propel ourselves into a life that we long for, a life of fulfillment, a life of purpose.  It’s really a completely different mindset to live by.  Seeing yourself from a point of strength--multiple points of strength actually, you begin to see others from their points of strengths as well.  It helps build patience and understanding. Community. 

At a more personal level, I feel like I had to really work to uncover and reclaim some of my natural strengths, because we sometimes try to hide or deny our true talents as a result of painful events or criticism.  But once we can really own our true, authentic self again and believe in our talents and strengths, we can then begin to help others uncover their innate strengths as well.  That is one of my visions.  In order to heal old wounds, we must stir them up a bit so they can resurface and then be freed.  This process has definitely been a healing one for me, and I believe it can help others in this way too.  

Stay tuned for more. My creative waves are flowing freely once again and I'm plotting my next move. I hope to share the gift of this incredible experience with others very soon.

Inside My Anti-Stress Backpack

I first learned how to truly relax and let go when I lived abroad in Ecuador and started taking long, leisurely walks on the beach to work each day.  I was also intrigued by the more laid-back way of life in the small town where I taught English and learned to embrace this attitude wholeheartedly.  When I returned to the States though, I began to research ways to maintain that sense of peace and relaxation I found on the beaches of Ecuador and live a more relaxed life despite being in a sometimes chaotic, rushed and ever-changing environment back in America.  I feel it is important to keep a list of the tools I've found helpful in discovering ways to relax and find peace in a stressful world, and I LOVE lists!  So I have created a list of some of my favorite relaxation techniques as a way of sharing my research with others and reminding myself to follow my own advice during chaotic times.

1. Breathe.  Don't forget to breathe!  I am constantly reminding myself of this and counting to 5 before letting go of my breath several times can be enough to bring peace and calm to my heart and bring me back to balance in frazzled times.  If you have a hard time finding the time and/or patience to sit down and breathe more often, I found that practicing in a group was very helpful, such as in a meditation class or a mindfulness retreat.  I have also found excellent ideas in the Stress Management Guide from Elizabeth Scott, M.S.  

2. Allow.  This is a relatively new practice for me that I read recently from one of my all-time favorite authors, SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) who wrote about the importance of allowing others to be as they are and not try or wish to change them.  Just reading this statement every now and then throughout my day has helped relax me and helped me focus on the only person I have any control over, which is myself.  I know, it sounds selfish or egotistical but I've learned that this is the best thing for everyone around you, to really take care of yourself and shower yourself with as much love as you can give.

3. Affirm.  I think one of the single most helpful ways of moving forward and letting my resilience shine through is by surrounding myself with positive affirming statements and quotes which inspire me to focus on all the wonder and beauty in my life. I have found many moving quotes and affirmations on the Beliefnet website, along with countless tips and strategies for moving past pain and finding balance in your life.  I also enjoy the uplifting messages I receive every morning from the Universe via TUT.  And on my iPhone, I get reminders every morning to read an encouraging and inspiring quote from Karen Salmansohn. After my second mindfulness retreat, I discovered an excellent mindfulness app for my smart phone called The Now and it sends me food for thought and things to try to help me stay in this present moment.  Since I often need constant reminders during busy, stressful times to stay afloat and in a positive light, these have really helped me.

4. Show Gratitude.  Often I see lists that state we must be grateful for all that we have, but I think it is even more effective if we show gratitude to others and to Mother Nature through our actions so we are putting gratitude in action.  Taking action and showing gratitude helps us remember the feeling that the action creates inside us and can help us relax into the present moment and thus feel grateful for all we have.  Also by focusing on all that we have, we draw more positive energy to ourselves. Oprah has written about this many times.  So I would challenge you, if you're already keeping a gratefulness journal to share one of the things you're thankful for with a close friend or someone you love. It could be simply be through offering a helping hand or being a compassionate listener to a friend in need or through a letter or message of thanks to express how thankful you are for having that person in your life.  But I know that sometimes I'm not in the mood to express my gratitude to another person so I think it can be just as valuable to pay homage or reverence to a beautiful tree, a gorgeous sunset, a colorful, cheerful bird, anything in nature that helps you appreciate this amazing planet in which we live.  I have said "hi" to mountains and little animals out in nature since I was a young girl.  At first I thought it was just something quirky that I did but now I know it was my way of paying tribute to nature and really appreciating all the beauty around me.  I have also found it helpful to publicly express my gratitude via social media sites, like Facebook, everyday for a month.  It helps build a habit of looking for something to be grateful for no matter what your day was like and helps shift your focus back to the positive.  Try to make a habit of showing your gratitude for life everyday.  I think it really does help.  (Now I just need to tattoo this to my arm so I never forget!)

I know lists can sometimes be overwhelming or feel like they're not enough to solve all our problems, but I find that coming upon different lists like this in times of struggle really do help me stay focused in the moment and as I continue to grow my knowledge of wellness and self-care, I add a helpful little something to my anti-stress backpack every time.

May we live life with ease.

Peace be with you.

Declutter To Destress

For the past 7 days, I've been practically eating, breathing, and dreaming about moving boxes!  There is something about changing homes that stirs up your soul, wakes you up and helps you reevaluate all that you have in your life.  I set out with the huge challenge to declutter much of the papers and mementos I had accumulated over the years and I'm pleased to report that I was able to let go of so much--bags and bags to the recycle bin and even more bags and bags and boxes and boxes of things dropped off at the thrift store to donate.  It brings me much peace to pass along items that might be helpful to others and at the same time to free up space both in our home and in myself.  Remembering that I will always keep my memories and that I can take a picture of something to remember it by, rather than keeping everything, helped me let go of so much.  I do have even more to let go of though.  Unfortunately I ran out of time and had to pack away a few boxes of papers and things I haven't gone through so my decluttering challenge continues, which it should, because if we are not constantly reconsidering what we choose to keep in our homes and lives, we will accumulate new things and end up with too much clutter around us again.  I want to create a regular practice of it--a spiritual practice in a sense--to keep moving forward and get unstuck when I may feel like I'm drowning in papers.  If I can regularly evaluate all that I have, I will have more space for breathing, meditating, thinking, writing, dreaming and loving life.  I do not need things to make me whole.  On the contrary, freeing myself of so many things makes me feel more whole and free.  I'm not there yet, but maybe as I said, this is a constant process and something I need to work on on a regular basis.  Similar to studying stress management, there will always be events that bring us stress, but the more we read about managing and responding to the stress, rather than just reacting, the better and faster we'll recover and the more peace we'll feel during and after times of stress.  And clutter stresses me out.  So it makes sense to include decluttering as one of my stress management practices.

Do you have a stress management practice of your own?  Please share with us!  :)

Making My Own Declutter Challenge

A few days ago I started a challenge to declutter something from my home everyday and free up space in my life.  Today is Day 5 of my Declutter Challenge.  As I go through this process, I am realizing that one of the biggest points of resistance for me in going through all my stuff is a sense of loss, that I’ll be losing part of my past in this process.  One way I’m trying to come to terms with getting rid of sentimental clutter is by writing about what I’m letting go of.  For probably 4 or 5 years, I have been collecting inspirational quotes and sayings and posting them in places where I can see them throughout the day.  But as I uncover more and more inspirational quotes, there’s no way to keep them all, so I’m going to record them here and honor them as they have been a life preserver or buoy for me at times when stress began to really weigh me down.  They helped me keep going and stay strong despite the chaos happening around me.  So right here and now I take the time to say “thank you” to the countless writers who have shared their wisdom with others and who have moved me to be a better, stronger woman.

• Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder.  ~E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web
• Live well, Laugh often and Love much.  ~Unknown (although I have a feeling it was printed on the inside of a Dove chocolate wrapper. Yummy wisdom!)
• Though you may not be able to change it, you can handle an ugly situation beautifully.  ~Pir Vilayat Inayat Khan, Alchemical Wisdom
• Do your best and then relax. Let things go on in a natural way, rather than force them.  ~Paramahansa Yogananda
• To this day I believe we are here on earth to live, grow, and do what we can to make this world a better place for all people to enjoy freedom.  ~Rosa Parks
• Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.  How do you know this is the experience you need?  Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.  ~Eckhart Tolle
• Flavor your life with TRUST & THANKFULNESS.  ~Unknown  (Does anyone recognize it?  If not, maybe it was me?) 
• Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.  ~MLK, Jr.
• Get comfortable with uncertainity.  ~Pema Chodron
• No blame, no shame, no regret.  ~Unknown
• Life is short!  ~Unknown.  (But my beloved acupuncturist told me this once.)
• 1-Value Yourself.  2-Be Committed to Happiness.  3-Be Open-Minded.  (I added: Visualize blue skies and rainbows with puffy white clouds in my mind. :) )  4-Look after Your Health.  5-Keep Your Sense of Humor.  6-Believe in the Power of Laughter. (Keep the channels to joy open!)  7-Appreciate the Lucky Charm of Happiness.  ~Inna Segal
• Om Mani Padme Hum: Om = body, speech & mind, Mani = jewel—enlightened, compassion & love, Padme = lotus—wisdom, Hum = indivisibility—the immovable, unfluctuating, that which cannot be disturbed by anything…By saying this, invokes the powerful benevolent attention & embodiment of compassion.  ~Tibetan Prayer (Mantra)
• I open new doors to Life.  I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead.  I greet the new with open arms.  I trust life to be wonderful.  ~Louise Hay, Life!: Reflections on Your Journey

As a result of feeling inspired and stronger in the face of a variety of adversities, I have also come up with sayings and steps of my own to help me stay present and de-stress in times of need.  Here are some examples I found in my stuff:

• *Breathe. *Rest. *Reflect. *Protect Myself. * Drink Water. *Laugh! *And start again…
• This week’s priorities are:  *Sleep.  *Perspective  *Exercise!  (for Stress Relief)
• Receta para estar feliz: *Mangos  *Bob Marley  *Zumba 

As I record these here, I am releasing them into the recycle pile, knowing that they have helped me and will continue to help me and hopefully others grow stronger and lead happier lives.  I can let them go while still honoring their place in my path of self-growth and share them with others in the process, on this blog.

Through this process, my hope is to release the fear I have kept inside of losing something by letting go of the material things that mean a lot to me in my life.  Deep down I know and have always known that everything that really matters in life is kept inside my heart, inside my soul and I can ask for its help and strength at any time, whenever I need it.  That is the beautiful thing of having faith. 

“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it.  We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.”  ~J. Krishnamurti

Notes to myself as I declutter in the coming days:

• When it gets hard, stop and write about it.  Or take pictures of the sentimental items I’m needing to release and donate.
• Let go of the fear and painful memories that come up when looking through some of the clutter.  The way to do this is by literally letting go of the papers in question and maintaining faith that things will work out beautifully in the end.  Because they will.

Fear and faith go hand in hand so much, don’t they?  If I’m feeling really afraid of something that might happen (which is not a real fear then, but an anxiety), in that moment, I’m forgetting my faith.  When I have complete faith in my life and know in my heart that everything is working out beautifully, then I’m no longer afraid of what “might” happen, because I know it’s for my good, to help me on my journey through life.

So earlier today I wrote myself a note on a sticky that reads:

*Walk through the park for exercise and fresh air.
*Meditate/Pray/Affirm that I am no longer afraid of letting go!
*Go through papers in the dining room, closets and by the dresser and purge.  Be free!

And if I had more room on the sticky note, I would have added:

*Feel the freedom of letting go of these papers that have been weighing you down!

Deciding to Rewrite My History

Recently I read a great line from Tess Marshall of The Bold Life on rewriting our history and I felt compelled to reflect on this and write about it.  I spent much of 2012 dealing with some quite challenging health issues and feeling a bit beside myself and at times sorry for myself because of the chronic, debilitating pain I experienced before having open, abdominal surgery and the acute, agonizing pain I felt post-op due to an infection and open wound as a result, that took 4 long months to heal.  

But what if I chose to rewrite that history for myself?  What if I chose to view and remember all the wonderful things I learned from these challenges and also all the wonderful things that happened at the same time as all these challenges?  Wouldn’t last year’s traumas then have more value and meaning for my overall story and life experience? I think so!

If I shift my focus and instead of remembering all the pain, instead remember all the love I received and was able to give, 2012 is illuminated in a whole new light. A light of learning to trust with all my being and falling deeply in love with my soulmate and now husband, of being gentle and loving with my other soulmate--me!--and of returning to my childhood home to be cared for so tenderly by my dear, sweet, patient mother.

I get a little teary-eyed and start to beam with love and light when I reflect and remember ALL THIS LOVE that filled my life last year. I would MOST definitely prefer to remember all the love, rather all the pain! So here I begin. To rewrite my history. It feels good. It feels positive. Proactive. And fills me with thanksgiving. Like a gratitude journal for the past. That's it! So whenever there is a painful part of your past that might return to haunt you from time to time, remember what you were grateful for during that time. Even if it seems hard. I know there's something. If you have trouble, remember you're alive. That's a BIG something to be thankful for, isn't it?

Photo taken today in Lake Forest Park, Washington by yours truly, la Ecua-Gringa.

Celebrating Our Own Talents and Gifts

Happy October, everyone!  'Tis the season to enjoy pumpkin spice almond milk lattes, corn mazes, accessorizing with pretty scarves and fuzzy boots, and the vibrant colors of the changing leaves. May each of you savor the sights, scents, flavors, fuzziness and songs of the autumn season.

On this edition of Tranquil Tuesdays, I've decided to honor and appreciate myself more.  This was sparked by a wonderful weekly email sent out today by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka. SARK, my favorite inspirational artistic author) on whether we appreciate ourselves enough.  It got me thinking about a general longing that sometimes comes up for me for greater appreciation and recognition from others of my efforts, my struggles, all I've overcome, and how maybe, just maybe the appreciation that I seek actually needs to come from within.  Maybe I need to truly appreciate and recognize--on a regular basis--all that I've accomplished in order to truly feel appreciated.  Because if we feel at peace with ourselves, we generally feel at peace with the world.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with self-compassion also.  Are we willing to be as compassionate about our own struggles and difficulties as we are with others?  Many are very good at showing care and concern for our loved ones and our friends and the people we serve, if we're in a helping profession, but how often do we show that same care and concern for ourselves?  I attended a training on the topic of compassion fatigue back in May and I think I was truly too burned out to digest any more information on the subject.  It was just too overwhelming to think about all the things I could and should be doing to prevent this type of fatigue from helping others.  Funny how sometimes when we need the advice the most, we can't absorb it as well as we can later on, after the dust has settled, when we feel a little better and can begin to be more proactive.

I've begun to realize that the key is to practice, practice, practice the stress management techniques that work best for me at times when I feel proactive and open to these ideas, and then over time, through habit, I will begin to react in a calmer, more peaceful way, in hopes of responding rather than reacting when stress comes to visit.  My hope is also to study this subject of stress management so much that I remember more frequently and readily many of the helpful tips I've read about and can use them and practice them in difficult times.

So in appreciation of my journey, I want to recognize my tenacity for finding solutions to difficult problems and stressful situations, my creativity for expressing what I've learned in life through movement, photography and the written word, and my outstanding love of nature and beauty.

Phew.  That was a little uncomfortable and challenging to write about publicly, but I think we can all benefit from recognizing our own gifts more often, don't you?

Chipping Away at the Walls Around Us

Have you ever felt stuck and couldn't quite figure out why?

Sometimes we find ourselves going along in life, growing and changing and enjoying the process and then all of the sudden, we feel like we've hit a rut.  Why?

There is a chance that we may have at some point on the journey been hurt or fearful or betrayed and begun to put up a wall somewhere in our life to protect us from the outside world and sometimes even from ourselves, maybe without even realizing we did so.  In order to move forward again in our life, we need to start chipping away at that wall, brick by brick until we feel it start to budge a little--or a lot, if we're lucky.  Even a slight move can be enough to jumpstart our enthusiasm and get us out of the slump we were stuck in.

How, you might ask, can we move the walls we've put up around us?

I think we can literally start moving our physical bodies and get out of our heads in order to start wiggling the protective wall.  Probably for some, running works.  For others, dancing.  (That has been my experience in the past.)  For me, most recently, it was yoga set to joyful music and reflective writing.

But why would we even want to jiggle this wall out of place that has been supposedly "protecting" us from harm?  That may sound kind of scary, like taking the shell off of a snail.  Ah, but this is where the richness of life lies.  Once we wiggle free from this wall that's been holding us in place, we can begin to feel life again.  We may feel some sadness or confusion or frustration at first but with time and reflection, we can realize greater vulnerability in our relationships with ourselves and our loved ones and a greater understanding and appreciation of our situation and our journey.

For me, the first step is recognizing I have constructed this wall in the first place.  With awareness comes understanding and thankfully wisdom to start chipping away at the protective wall that is not only keeping away potential dangers but also potential joys.  I noticed that I had this tough wall up around me this past weekend while attending a workshop on fear.  This one-of-a-kind workshop was held in a yoga studio and involved many creative activities, such as writing, singing, dancing, doing yoga while singing, listening to joyful music and reflecting and sharing on some very deep and important topics.  This was also the first time I tried yoga since my surgery last year and I am happy to report that I was able to do most things, although I did feel some interesting sensations around my scar during the child's pose, normally my favorite yoga pose.  But I noticed the sensation and stuck with it, which was important for me in beginning to regain my courage and take back my former zest for life before my surgery last year.  This inspiring yoga/writing workshop on fear was created and presented by the amazing Jennifer Pastiloff.

In the process of writing and reflecting on what moves us and who we're grateful for in life, I realized I did not feel as moved as I normally would with such a powerful topic.  And my first reaction was, what is wrong with me?  Why do I feel so cold?  But I quickly realized that this "coldness" was the wall I had put up to protect me from past hurts and that this wall was preventing me from feeling my true, joyful, emotional self.  Just by recognizing this, I began to warm a little.  Not as much as I normally would, but that is why I use the word "budge" and "wiggle" because after constructing such a strong, protective wall up around you, it takes hard work to knock it down.  We must begin to first wiggle and nudge it out of its secure location so that we can begin to move forward again and feel fresh and energetic and hopeful again.  Even one brick chipped from the wall can make a world of a difference if we are aware of the progress we've made in taking that brick down.  Because we are the ones who are responsible for its construction and demolition.  We have the power to take down the walls around us so that we can truly experience life and love with our hearts wide open.


To read more about how important being vulnerable truly is, I highly recommend reading about Brene Brown's work, Pema Chodron's writing, any of my favorite creative author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)'s books or take an awe-inspiring workshop on manifestation from Jennifer Pastiloff.

No lions...No tigers!

Here's a meditation or thought to ponder upon today:

Choose to turn things around.

Is your day not going the way you'd like? (Or have you ever had a day like this?) Or is your energy sagging and you feel the life slowly draining from you? Turn it around. 

How? You may ask.

It has to be a conscious decision on your part and it's definitely not easy--it's really hard work, but I believe that it's possible to turn your day around and still make it a good one. It might not be perfect, things might not be going exactly how you want them to, but there is hope, there is a way to turn your mood around and it starts by making the choice.

I know from recent experiments on myself actually that this is way harder than it seems, especially when your mood is really low because you have to work extra hard to make the conscious choice to try and turn your day around. But I think the energy put forth in attempting to improve the day is so much better invested than using energy to complain or feel down in the dumps.

When I feel spun around in circles by multiple stressors or demands, I sometimes feel a sense of loss of control and my mind and spirit begin to protest. This is when I must start really listening to my inner self--the wise one inside me who always knows what to say or how to bring me peace if I choose to listen to her carefully.

And my "Inner Wise Self," as my favorite inspiring author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka. SARK) calls her, says "let go of being in control." She also has told me to relax because things will work out. Take care of yourself first and go at your own pace. Don't compare yourself with others and don't judge others or their journeys. It's okay to be different--we're all different!

My inner self is so smart! If only I had always listened so carefully to her, huh? But it's never too late. We can all start now, or whenever we choose to turn things around, when we deliberately choose to relax and let go of all that tension and fear of future possible events that may never actually occur. 

Something I enjoy doing when I come across a new idea that might be helpful for my stress management and overall wellness is researching and I have started to research the practice of allowing. I have to thank SARK for first introducing this term to me in one of her inspirational emails this summer. Expanding on one of Oprah & Deepak's relaxation techniques to assess the situation when feeling unbalanced or in need of some inner peace, I have begun to look both ways to literally assess my situation in that exact moment. If my heart continues to race out of stress or busyness, I remind my mind and body of a key point--that there are no lions or tigers chasing me right now, that I am not in danger, thankfully. This helps me find peace in almost any situation. I've even started turning my head one way to look around and affirm that there are no lions and then look the other way and say to myself there are no tigers either, which brings a little smile to my face and helps me remember to calm down already because really, I'm not going to get eaten! I'm not in the Serengeti getting chased by wild animals. I'll be okay, I'm not in any immediate danger. 

This practice really helps put things into perspective and has gradually given me the necessary peace of mind and heart to begin a practice of allowing. I believe this practice is mandatory for peace and joy and genuine gratitude to reign in my life. 

What do I mean by "allowing?" Well, as SARK describes it, it's when we don't fight or resist another person's way of being or doing or saying. We allow them to be the way they are, react the way they choose to and live their life the way they please. It also helps us remember that we are only in control of how we react or respond to a situation. We cannot control anyone else. Really. It's impossible. So why spend our energy resisting reality? 

Allowing doesn't solve all of the world's or life's problems, but it has helped me restore balance and peace on stressful days and given me the ability to think more clearly and more lovingly about myself and others. Allowing myself to feel anger or fear or pain also validates my feelings and puts my mind and heart at ease a little more than when just resisting the negative, painful feeling or wallowing in despair.

So I choose to turn things around. I choose to practice allowing others to be the way they are. I choose to allow myself to feel how I feel but to not stay there long, to release any negative feelings by allowing them to be and not resist them. It may seem a bit confusing but try it. It really works. It's almost like magic. ;-)

Complexly Beautiful

In staying true to my Ecua-Gringa roots, today I would like to pay tribute to the complexly beautiful country of Ecuador, where I called home for four years of my formative young adulthood. I learned so much about life, the world, friendship, relaxation, tranquility and chaos while living in Ecuador.

These posts are from 2008 and 2010 but still ring true for me.

Reasons I love Ecuador:

I love that there are maps drawn on public walls, that from childhood Ecuadorian youth are taught about their country and its boundaries, and that people in Ecuador have a genuine curiosity for the world and where people are from. This could be in part because of territory disputes with Peru and because of the huge population of Ecuadorians living abroad in the U.S. and Europe.

I love the fact that you can just sit around and chat with people spontaneously—no need to plan a “get together,” you can get together with friends while you walk along the waterfront.

I love the fact that I’m never lonely in Ecuador. There are always good friends and family around to talk with me, entertain me, eat and drink with me.

I love how proud most Ecuadorians are of their country, despite its troubles in politics and economy, they love Ecuador and I do too. Along the same lines, I love how the entire country stops to watch the Ecuadorian national soccer team play. For example, when Ecuador played in its first World Cup in 2002, I was in Ecuador working at the Navy base and classes were postponed or cancelled so staff and students could watch the game! Of course they didn’t tell me that until I had already painfully missed the first part of the match while trying to get to work, a little peeved that they hadn’t cancelled.

I love how relaxed people are in Ecuador and how they relax me. Sometimes it drove me crazy because I’m American and need to be productive and always doing something, but it was such a good lesson to learn to calm down and “take it easy” and not worry about rushing to finish everything as soon as I could. “As soon as you can” isn’t a phrase I hear very often in Ecuador and if it is said, it’s definitely not meant with the same intentions as it is here in the United States. Phrases like “mañana” or “más tarde”—translating to “tomorrow” or “later” in English—I’ve learned really mean I’ll get to it when I feel like it or it may never happen. Once I understood this and stopped getting annoyed with people for not doing something when they said they would, once I stopped taking the words literally and placed what they said in an Ecuadorian cultural context, things started to slow down for me too and I didn’t stress out as much.

Originally posted on October 16, 2008.

The following post is actually a poem I wrote about the beach town where I taught English for three years after graduating from the university in the United States.  I also worked as a Fiora Vanti model (Hee hee! This title still brings a smile to my face! A great story for the grand kids, huh?), giving out free samples of a new Coca-Cola product on a makeshift island in the bay of Salinas. 

Salinas

Oh, mi querido Salinas, como te extraño
Extraño tu malecón, tu iglesia amarilla, tus bares y restaurantes
Extraño tu cevichelandia, tus taxi-rutas, tus edificios y calles
Extraño tus palmas, tu arena, tus canchas de volei
Extraño tus “mangos chupa mangos,” tu Pilsener, tus ricos encebollados
Extraño tu amistad, tus chupas, tus viajes locos a Montaña
Extraño tu gente, tus perros callejeros, tus lagartijas (pero no las cucarachas!)
Extraño tus caídas del sol, tu Mar Bravo, tus focas y surfistas
Extraño tus Patas Moradas, tus viajecitos en bote, tus ballenas (que no he visto todavía)
Extraño las sopitas, los batidos, los patacones y maduros fritos
¡Te extraño, mi lindo Salinas!

 

Originally posted on August 31, 2010.

Someday I may translate this poem, but I have found that the language from which my thoughts originate is much more genuine than trying to find the words in my other language.  It is great exercise for my mind though and quite a challenge trying to find the right words that express the same feelings I'm trying to express.

Writing is a comforting, creative way for me to relieve stress, and sharing my writing with you keeps me accountable to a greater purpose and creates a space for my reflections on wellness and life lessons.