Free Spirited (Recovering) Perfectionist

Well, let's just put it out there. I'm a free spirited "recovering" perfectionist. Until recently, I didn't quite grasp how I could be both. In my wellness research over the past few years, I've grown fond of a type of astrology that combines psychology, called esoteric astrology, I think. (My favorite being Debra Silverman.) And just in the past week, I decided to stop wondering and actually download a free birth chart app to dive more deeply into my self-awareness. Because I believe there is great value in exploring our personalities and unique traits. And astrology is another way to learn about myself. I already know who I am and how I am, but it can be very comforting to finally find a description that actually puts into words how I've been experiencing life but not known how to express into words. (Sometimes it's through images too.)

Just yesterday, a friend asked me what my "rising" sign was, and a few weeks ago, I don't think I even knew what that was. But thanks to reading my free birth chart on my phone last week, a somewhat mind blowing factoid came into my awareness. I may be a Pisces and have five planets in water, which I'd been told several years ago on my favorite radio station, but my rising sign is Virgo. And that's where the "aha" lies. A watery, emotional, super sensitive Pisces with perfectionistic & worrywart tendencies. That's me: a Pisces with Virgo rising.

Now I know you may have stopped reading at this point because who believes in astrology, but this aha has really got me thinking in a way the Myers-Briggs, True Colors and other helpful assessment tests just couldn't quite explain for me. The complexity. The dueling traits. The inner struggle. Now I have a name to describe it!

And today I decided to google it--Pisces with Virgo rising--to see what I'd find, and bam! More clarity. It was almost painfully clear. Words like "doormat" and "cave in" and "sell themselves down the river" really stung. But it's been true. I am proud to say that I've grown an awareness of these stinging identifiers through experience though, and thankfully through awareness comes power and strength. The article goes on to explain that if these special souls can learn to harness their Virgo intellect and Piscean imagination  and value themselves as much as they value others, the sky is really the limit.

And of course, the topic returns to self-love, because lately that's what's been truly calling me. For myself. And to help others through workshops and coaching. I know I'm on the right path for me. Right for me, right for doing my part to heal the world. Hallelujah! And so it is!

To be continued...

(View from my blogging spot tonight)

Permission to Goof Off

I had an epiphany just now. For several years now, I have been feeling somewhat dissatisfied or maybe even guilty when I goof off, "waste time" or am not as productive as I had planned or hoped I'd be. Today though, in looking at my self-irritation, I want to give myself permission to goof off. Because in "goofing off," creativity is born. Rest is recovered. And I answer my soul's occasional calling. I'm going to be really honest here: I long to goof off! I am a self-identified recovering perfectionist, but I still strive to do my best almost always and I am a determined overachiever.

I am becoming aware of this though. And through awareness, I'm finding permission. I do not have to get everything done tonight. I do not have to get everything done even this week. Life is a continual process. Am I going to win a prize for rushing through life? For not taking time to do what I really want and goof off? Isn't the prize found in taking time for ourselves? Doing what really enjoy and having fun? So why not give myself the gift of some downtime? Okay, but let's be clear. For some reason, I can more easily give myself permission to dedicate an evening to "downtime," but when it involves totally scattered internet time, accompanied by more random dabblings with various projects, not to finish anything of "value," I have a harder time considering it downtime. Downtime has meant laying back and resting, maybe reading something, watching a funny TV show, taking a nap, talking with my husband. But being random hasn't really fallen into that category.

I've been resisting my randomness. I've tried to "fix" it or change it. But let's be honest here: I am naturally a random-abstract person and it's when my creativity shines. Society and my drive to always do my best has taught me to strive for some sort of order, but maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing. Is society's version of order what really makes the most sense to me? If goofing off brings me creative inspiration, isn't there some kind of unique order there somewhere? I know it's not your typical kind, but I get things done when I'm in the flow. And is life all about getting things done, or can we also just sit back and enjoy? Have fun? Goof off? Not be "productive"? Who is the judge of our productivity?

But to think of it, I have been dueling with myself over this for some time now. My goofing off has won over many times but not without leaving me feeling anxious or like I'm somehow failing, not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Who makes these rules though? Why can't I recreate the definition for success? Why can't I recreate how I view my time?

Last month in my life coaching class, our amazing instructor, Richard Seaman talked about the importance of balancing doing with being. And I crave just "being." But I also have a drive for "doing" and achieving and being productive, checking things off my list. It's almost like I reward myself for getting things "done," but do I reward myself equally when I just am? When I gift myself the dedicated time to "be"?

I challenge myself to consider this gift to myself now. Because I am, at my core, worthy of all the love in the world, whether I check the things off on my to-do list, or not. I am worthy of all the love in the world just because I am. Nothing is required. It's that simple, and yet that complicated to believe, embody, and live this truth. But I am up for the challenge. It almost feels like when I first started meditating. It felt like such a struggle to just sit and close my eyes at first, but now I long for it. I long for the peace it brings me. For the delicious silence it invokes.

So will you join me in forming a habit of just "being"?

Nothing needs to be "done" about it. Just be you. And embrace your amazing, incredible self with all your heart!

xo