Beware: Relapses of Perfectionism May Occur

I had been rather proud of my "recovering perfectionist" self-identified status until recently when I was preparing to give a workshop and felt like I wouldn't be able to do my best job because of limited time and not wanting to let anyone down. I became extremely pessimistic and felt like I would fail. Well, that was the perfectionism rearing its ugly head. Nothing else. I did just fine, got lots of positive feedback and I feel good now about the work I did to prepare for these two recent workshops. So in all honesty I was completely off base when that darned perfectionism relapsed before each workshop. And here I had thought that I was pretty much cured, viewed myself as so much farther along in "perfectionism remission" than other perfectionists I saw. While all along my perfectionism still flares up, like a chronic ache of pain, plaguing my world view and logical thinking, filling me with fear. It would be best to not be so cocky about this from now on. Being a recovering perfectionist is not something to take for granted, I've learned.  It’s hard work and constant work to be ahead of your perfectionism.

Oh, and that fear thing. I've read a lot about fear lately but don't always relate to the specific term “fear,”--well, better put, I feel some resistance inside to the term--but when you put it in the context of perfectionism, the fear of not being perfect is very real and relatable. I don't think I'd realized how much this fear still controls me, or tries to control me. Luckily I think that once we become aware of what is happening inside us, we come from a place of strength and have the power to effect change in that moment then. We are empowered. When I am in this healthy state of mind once again, I think and see myself and my reality more clearly and can talk myself down from irrational thinking and remind myself of what I do well and that I always do my best.  I’m no longer controlled by that nagging voice that visits from time to time when I’m not paying attention, when I’m not aware, when I’ve let my guard down.  But we need to constantly maintain that awareness or else, beware: relapses of perfectionism may occur.

I Trust Life Because I Know Angels Are Real

Tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of when my dear friend, Jill became an Angel.  I am so blessed to have been touched by her grace and friendship in my life and in the past three years since her passing, I have continued to feel her presence and guidance and support in my life.  I have been through hell and Heaven these past three years in more ways than one might imagine, but I have grown leaps and bounds as a human being, with my intuition blossoming, my spirit beaming, my awareness of self developing more and more with each new day and experience, my heart opening wide after being punched and filling with more love than I could have ever imagined three or four years ago.

I would like to write that I wish my amiga, Julita (her nickname en español) had been there to see all these amazing changes, but I know she has been there for each and every one of them.  When I see a hummingbird in the dead of winter, I know it’s her.  Or when I hearing the buzz of a baby hummingbird’s delicate wings, I am comforted that her spirit still accompanies me.  When I see a beautiful, colorful sunset or a break in the clouds with a glimmer of sunshine or blue sky peeking through, I know her light will always surround us all with love.  When I remember to breathe while feeling especially stressed, I know she is holding my hand and encouraging me.

I also know that Jill would want me to take credit for all these incredible triumphs as well, and I’m slowly learning the importance of recognizing one’s own strengths and giving myself credit when credit is due.  But my confidence grows even more when I remember that I’m never alone, I’m always accompanied by loving, caring angels who help me journey into my soul and learn from within more and more everyday.

I trust life because I know Angels are real.  I heard this last spring from the inspiring astrologist/psychologist, Debra Silverman, as a mantra for overcoming fear, and I used to repeat it to myself.  Now it’s more of a reminder of what I already know to help strength my trust muscle. This muscle needs regular workouts and lots of TLC. If left unattended, it can wither back into a big scared cat, but when I remember my angel friend watching over me, along with my angel grandparents and angel babysitter and other angel friends, I know I am taken care of and can fall back into the net of love and relax and try to really enjoy this beautiful life we're living.   

Gracias, Julita, por compartir tu espíritu tan bello y fuerte con nosotros, aun cuando ya no estás aquí con nosotros en forma física. Estoy tan bendecida de haberte conocido hace casi una década y siempre estarás conmigo en lo bueno y lo difícil, apoyandome y dandome animo para seguir adelante. Te quiero mucho, Amiga linda. Te extraño muchísimo.  

Love always,

Marita

Never Take For Granted The Good Days

I was home sick today and felt incredibly miserable at one point. I didn't have enough energy to sit up and the lower abdominal pain radiated all the way down my legs. But as the pain eased a little, I was able to remind myself that this is only one or two days a month, instead of everyday. Last year I felt an aching pain everyday (see My Nut Notes blog post from last year on my rare vascular condition for more details)--when I stood for more than 10 minutes, when I went shopping, when I walked for more than 10 minutes, when I sat on a hard surface, even when I went to the movies. It was a nagging debilitating pain that affected my everyday life. But now I have been given the gift (read about my surgery on my One Year Post-Op blog post)--because it truly is a gift and I am so lucky to have been given this--of feeling pretty darn healthy throughout the month and only have a day or two when I feel terrible. A few months ago, I didn't even feel that terrible. So I really need to remember to count my many blessings and never take for granted all those good days--the 28 out of 30 days each month that I live virtually pain-free now.

One thing that seems to help that my wonderful husband has taught me is to name the feeling I'm experiencing in those desperate moments. This morning he asked me what I was feeling in that moment of agony and I would call out "pain," then "nausea," followed by "dizziness," etc. and it seemed to give those feelings a voice so they wouldn't all glob together in one big pain attack anymore. In a sense, I also felt more in control of the pain because I had named the different parts of it; I had identified the culprits and communicated them out loud.

As I'm typing this now, I feel a slight twinge of pain and a headache and a little dizziness if I turn my head too quickly, but overall I feel much more human again and that is such a blessing. I know we all struggle with daily stresses and things that frustrate us or get us down, but I feel so fortunate to be able to walk and talk and sit and go about most of my days without much pain or nausea or dizziness. It feels great to be alive and human and for the most part pain-free!

So I share these thoughts here as reminders for myself in the future, if the pain returns, and also to stay focused on all the beauty of each day and all the simple joys, despite all the troubles, that we are blessed with each and everyday. We can breathe in and out deeply. We can go outside and enjoy nature in all her splendor. We are alive. We are blessed.

A Strengths-Based Approach to Life

My mind has just been brimming with ideas of different possible applications for what I learned last week at a very inspiring and thought-provoking training called Dependable Strengths.  What are Dependable Strengths, you might ask?  Well, I think the definition may be a little different for everyone who experiences this training.  For me, the essence of the Dependable Strengths Articulation Process, which was created by the late Bernard Haldane back in 1945 after World War II, involves a group of individuals who share positive life experiences with one another and through this purposeful storytelling, begin to identify and uncover the inner talents and gifts that lie within each of us.  This process has been used with job-seekers, veterans, alumni, the elderly, church members, elementary-aged children, middle schoolers, high schoolers, and college students, but I think the sky is truly the limit!  Through the careful discovery of our natural talents, we can then propel ourselves into a life that we long for, a life of fulfillment, a life of purpose.  It’s really a completely different mindset to live by.  Seeing yourself from a point of strength--multiple points of strength actually, you begin to see others from their points of strengths as well.  It helps build patience and understanding. Community. 

At a more personal level, I feel like I had to really work to uncover and reclaim some of my natural strengths, because we sometimes try to hide or deny our true talents as a result of painful events or criticism.  But once we can really own our true, authentic self again and believe in our talents and strengths, we can then begin to help others uncover their innate strengths as well.  That is one of my visions.  In order to heal old wounds, we must stir them up a bit so they can resurface and then be freed.  This process has definitely been a healing one for me, and I believe it can help others in this way too.  

Stay tuned for more. My creative waves are flowing freely once again and I'm plotting my next move. I hope to share the gift of this incredible experience with others very soon.