I feel like a new woman today, one year after the man who I’d been with for 11 years told me out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore. I feel like the weight of this first year on my own has lifted and I can focus on my beautiful present and amazing future. I want to release all the pain and anger and just let what happened fade into memory now. I’ve analyzed, brainstormed, reflected and expressed what went wrong and why what happened between my ex and me needed to happen for me to become the woman I am supposed to be. So now I can release all that, let it go and give it to the cosmos and to God and really be present now to enjoy and appreciate all that I have.
I was reminded of this feeling of being a new woman in a dance class at the gym today, because one year ago next week, I went to the same dance class and caught a glimpse of how I would feel and what my life might be like in this new life filled with love and not fear. It’s hard to describe in words but the feeling I had in that glimpse was so powerful that it kept me going this past year, especially during the very difficult times. I reflect on why I may have felt that way so soon after my ex told me how he truly felt about me, and I realize now that it was empowerment and control over my life and my love that I felt that day after dance class one year ago. I caught a glimpse of how it feels to not be trapped in a love that is one-sided and can’t possibly give you what you truly need and desire, to not be dependent on someone else’s love or feel scared that they might not love you as much as you love them, that they might leave you but you’re too afraid to even talk about these real fears at risk they may come true.
It’s empowerment to not depend on a man to make me feel loved. It’s control to no longer believe that I won’t exist without this person’s love or that I cannot be happy or fulfilled in life without this person’s love. I now know with my heart, my big, beautiful, fragile, caring, tender, wide-open heart—or at least I’m learning—that I am worthy of love, of all the LOVE in the world, just for being me, just for being born, just for being my mother’s daughter, just for being one of Mother Nature’s and God’s children. I repeat: I AM WORTHY! I do not have to prove this to anyone or be afraid that this love will be taken away, because this LOVE resides inside me, and always will! God put this love in my heart when I was designed and created. I have just now discovered it and found the awe-inspiring, earth-shaking, powerful, wonderful, life-changing love inside ME! And I now know that through the process of getting my heart broken, I was able to find this love inside me. Sometimes you have to have your heart broken to find out that LOVE—true, beautiful, everlasting love—resides inside you, not outside.
What an incredibly powerful lesson to have learned this year and even more importantly to have realized and expressed, so that now I can truly appreciate the journey I’m on, where I’ve come from and where I am now. Wow! It’s an incredible feeling! Everything seems brighter or crisper or clearer in a way. To really believe or know in my heart that I will always be okay, that I will always survive, no matter what, is so inspiring. And to know that no loss of someone else’s love can take away the love inside me lets me finally rest in the faith I have been seeking this past year. This truly feels like I am discovering and recognizing faith, faith in the love that God designed for me, for each of us, that’s a part of our DNA, a part of our soul. NO ONE can take that from us!
Written on December 20, 2011 for my friend and co-worker, Kathy Jenkins's wonderful blog, Lessons from the Monk I Married. You can see my guest blog post on her site at: http://www.lessonsfromthemonkimarried.blogspot.com/2012/01/31-writers-31-lessons-lesson-17-find.html
