Making Art From the Bits and Pieces

I feel like expressing myself through art. Creating a collage seems to exude a certain quality of ease and grace that I don't know if I can recreate in words. I'm thinking of the many life lessons from this past year, although my collages tend to have a life of their own, as I let the words and images I find lead me to creating a unique piece. Let's see what happens.

That felt good. I realized in looking at my collage book today that I hadn't created a collage in it since October. No wonder I've been out of sorts. Never mind stress and some chaos in my life. No matter what, I need to create! It's where my inspiration for new ideas ignites. It's where I find relaxation. It's where I feel most comfortable. It's where I feel I'm in the flow of life.

Is there something you've been neglecting that you love to do? Is there any way you can do that thing for just a few minutes today? Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Here are some of my other collages on health, wellness, and creativity from this past year of making art from the bits and pieces.

Looking back at the pictures I've taken from this year, it reminds me of how I started my collaging craze. Ironically I had already been collecting pieces of paper with words and images that I liked to add to a collage someday when I started collaging, and I created a vision board a year and a half ago which is a similar style to my collages. But I think it started first, after participating in the Fun-A-Day challenge in January where I created something everyday, but also after going to the Edmonds Art Walk and discovering that collage art is a recognized art form even in galleries, called mixed media art. I have been a fan of Kelly Rae Roberts' mixed media art for some time now. But I guess I never really thought I could create art in that same realm. It has been so rewarding to not only create a book of different collages that I've added to throughout the year but also inspire others to start their own collaging craze. One good friend started collaging her closet door! I have absolutely loved sharing space and time with friends and colleagues to create art together. I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to lead collage sessions at two different colleges on professional development days also.  

This year has definitely been one of creating and sharing! I wonder what 2015 will hold for us. :)

Reverence for Life and Light

As life becomes harder and more threatening, it also becomes richer, because the fewer expectations we have, the more the good things of life become unexpected gifts that we accept with gratitude.   

~Etty Hillesum, An Interrupted Life

On being light:

Back towards the end of October, I started writing the word "light" on the palm of my hand to remind myself to be lighter in spirit and not feel things that happen as heavy but rather to "lighten" my load. I really like how this short and sweet one-syllable word, "light" can be used as a adjective, verb, or noun. Each has different meanings but both generate feelings of relief and hope for me. 

Google defines light with terms like:

radiant energy

something that makes vision possible 

source of illumination

brilliance

luster

dazzle

glowing

shining

luminescence 

Through this palm reminder, more often than not, I decide to choose light. I choose to embody more lightness into my everyday activities, to bring more light to my world, to seek light in every experience and circumstance. LIGHT is a very powerful and positive trigger word for me and yet so simple and beautiful, isn’t it? 

Recently one morning I read a piece from the excellent book, Self-Care for Life, on ease. And so I wrote the word “ease” on my other hand. Light and ease may just be two of the keys of opening my soul’s window to more joy and peace and love.

On having reverence for life:

Speaking of opening up, sometimes it takes feeling a wall inside of me to realize I need and desperately want to open back up my heart. I am a feeling person by nature and when I can't feel fully, I become stifled and I'm not honoring my true self. I feel out of the flow and joy of life. I feel off somehow. 

But from time to time, a protective shield or wall builds up in my heart, sometimes after a traumatic event, but most often, I'm realizing, after chronic stress, fatigue, and/or prolonged absence from my true calling of creativity. 

Thankfully when I most need it, gifts arrive. Last week I was randomly selected to attend an inspiring weekend event hosted and created by the amazing Oprah Winfrey. In these gifts, I often find time to reflect, to feel, to be in awe, to feel inspired, and to become aware of any protective walls that may be up and begin to embrace my yearning to open up and take those walls down. 

At Oprah's Life You Want Weekend event, I felt moved many times but at first I could feel some resistence. And I know from past experience, mainly last year when I attended the inspiring Jennifer Pastiloff's manifestation yoga class, that when I feel that resistence to inspiring wisdom and reflection and don't react in my natural state of feeling moved to tears or moved to inspiration and creativity, I know something is up. Quite literally. A wall. Built up slowly. But to protect my big heart. The window to my soul and spirit. I'm ready to keep this beautiful window open and let the light shine in, let it sparkle and dazzle with its brilliance.

So here are some life-changing take-aways from a weekend with Oprah Winfrey, Liz Gilbert, Rob Bell, and IyanlaVanzant that I think will help me keep my heart open and let more light into my soul:

1. Stop and put my hand on my heart to take a deep, rich breath in and feel grateful for this life
2. See beauty in nature and almost automatically say this phrase to myself, “reverence for life”
3. Imagine and write out my vision
4. Reread my vision for the Life I Want everyday as a new part quite possibly of my daily reflective practice
5. Feel a part of a greater community of spiritual women, all aligned with a similar purpose of living life to the fullest and with gratitude in our hearts

What makes your heart open and let light in?

Even Superwoman Takes Breaks

Here is a piece I wrote back on October 21st that I haven't had a chance to post yet on the importance of taking breaks, AND not feeling guilty about it. It's an important topic that I need to remember.

I think a really important lesson in life for me is learning to take time to recharge and refresh without feeling guilty. Learning to put myself above work needs or others' needs is a real challenge for me but it is also so important to learn.

I used to work with a smoker who would escape every few hours for a smoke break and I remember having an epiphany one day to take non-smoking breaks--quick breaks outside to breathe in the fresh air or take a few moments to stretch and refresh myself.

In my new workplace, there don't seem to be any smokers so the reminder to take my non-smoking breaks hasn't been quite as apparent. But my body reminds me. My restless, creatively energetic spirit reminds me, if I remember to tune into my own channel and listen within.

It's like what I practiced in my art journaling class last week with Brene Brown--permission slips. Giving myself permission to rest. To take breaks. (I'm writing this on my phone and the autocorrect keeps changing "breaks" to "breaths" which is very insightful for a smart phone, don't you think?) 

I bet even Superwoman takes breaks!

There are little ways to take breaks throughout the day too. I just stirred my coffee and then saw a pretty swirling design in the reflection of the coffee. It's the moments of mindfulness throughout our days that make life more beautiful. Life is always beautiful, it's always waiting for us to notice its immense beauty in the seemingly simple things. Well, I don't think life is waiting but our souls are waiting for us to notice all the beauty around us. 

Like this morning, a rainy morning, a bit dark still when I left for work, and yet I saw a beautiful reflection on the wet road that the red stoplights made. It's how we look at everyday things. How we choose to see them. How we change our focus and give ourselves permission to take the time to enjoy our surroundings and gaze at the beauty before us. That is what helps rejuvenate my soul.

Permission to Choose Positive Thoughts

Today I began an e-course through the Oprah LifeClass series with Brene Brown. I am so grateful for this opportunity to re-visit Brene's amazing book, The Gifts of Imperfection (which I listened to in the car earlier this year after my mom gave me the book CD for Christmas) and express myself and my self-care exploration through art. I have admired art journaling, where the creators mix paint with collage and photos and now I'm finally doing it! I don't know when the last time I used watercolors, but I'm so glad I am doing it now. It's not intimidating at all once I get started, but for some reason, the thought of painting sounded messy to me before. Well, as Brene instructed us, I'm here to give myself the permission to get messy! Here is how I started out, with a blank page:

And here is my first creation on giving myself permission:

Then we were instructed to take a selfie with the following written on our hand, as a pledge to the process of loving our imperfect selves, I'm imperfect and I'm enough!

When I read the instructions to print out the photo, I felt a little push-back because I didn't want to go to the trouble of ordering a print from the store and going to pick it up. But luckily I remembered that we have a printer with some ink and I just printed out the picture I took. Voila!

For the final piece of the class, I wrote the names of people who I can be my imperfect self with and know I'll be loved for being me.

Over the next week, I'm going to think about courage, compassion and connection--the three keys to living wholeheartedly, talked about in Brene's book. I'm going to give myself permission to have fun, dream, try new things, make mistakes, love myself, be goofy, follow my own path, get messy, be my true self, and choose positive thoughts.



I'm going to affirm that I am imperfect and I am enough. That I am an artist by my own definition and on my own terms, and I have fun creating. I enjoy taking time for my self-care and wellness. I love exploring. And I'm lucky to have people in my life who love me no matter what, who love me for all my quirky, goofy, funny, perfect imperfections.

Remembering to Go To My Other Job Too--My Passion Project

I quickly sent an email to myself today and saw the little blurb at the bottom of the email that I created at the beginning of the year to really identify what I do with not only my paid profession but also my passion project, my purpose. I put: Certified Dependable Strengths Instructor, Creative Stress Management Blogger, and then my paid profession as an advisor-pre-college basic skills advisor earlier this year and now a college advisor for parents receiving cash assistance from the government.

Just being reminded of my forward thinking from earlier this year in naming what I really want to be "when I grow up," what I want to do much more of eventually, really helped me begin to detangle the funk I've been feeling over the last few months. I haven't been showing up for my passion jobs. I've been absent and I haven't been paying myself with the gift of balance and peace and inspiration that comes with following your dreams and making them actively happen, whether you get paid yet or not. 

I don't have to wait for some day, I want to lay the groundwork and get started now. And I have. I began doing this last summer when I started writing here regularly. Committing to bringing you a new blog post every week. Well, the past several months I have taken family leave to care for my wonderful and inspiring mom, who has always encouraged me to be creative. I am grateful beyond what words can express for her recovery and healing. 

As she moves forward, so must I. I know what I need and want to do next too. I want to submit some of my blogs to more well-known blogs to see if I can be a guest blogger. I intend to create the curriculum and pilot a workshop combing my love of collaging with the Dependable Strengths identification process. I am signed up for a 100-hour life coach training course to start in January. And I just registered for Brene Brown's e-course on art journaling based on her insightful book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

I used to view these ideas or projects or extracurricular activities of mine as mere hobbies, but now I see that they are part of both my personal AND professional development plan. They help shape me as a person, a writer, a creator, a facilitator, a coach, and someday soon I hope and pray as a mom--the most important profession I'll ever have.

So if you've been toying with an idea for awhile and don't know quite how to get started or take the leap, start by naming it. And identifying yourself with this dream, as if you're already doing it. The universe will respond in incredible ways and before you know it, you'll be already doing more of what you love. And that's what it's all about.

Finding the Cozy in a Soggy Day

As the marvelous, complex fall season approaches in Seattle, I find myself noticing how crisp and beautifully clear and colorful some days are and then I turn around and see rain and gray the next day. My hypothesis though is that if I pay attention to all the crisp days, then maybe there will be more of them than it seems. But then I get to thinking about all the rainy days. I had originally thought to call these days "soggy," but the language we use and tell ourselves is so important for our overall outlook in life. Lately I have found myself reading and hearing a lot about a benevolent universe, and I think it's making a positive difference in my subconscious and conscious thoughts today. "Cozy" is a much better word and invokes warm and soothing indoor activities in my mind and in my memories.

So ask yourself: is today (or this moment) crisp or cozy?

Here’s my Crisp or Cozy Challenge for this fall: 

• Record which days of fall are crisp, sunny days or have crisp sunbreaks and relish in the gifts of light and shadows.
• Then also appreciate the cozy/soggy days. These days are especially great for staying in and reading, resting, going through clutter, doing arts and crafts, drinking wine with loved ones, catching up with friends, etc.

“Surrender to what is. Say 'yes' to life—and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”  
~Eckhart Tolle

Gratitude is the Flashlight in the Cave

When I think about discomfort and emotional pain or angst, probably one of the worst culprits is self-criticism or self-judgment and not feeling adequate or being almost paralyzed by the fear of disapproval and what others will think. When I'm grounded and well-rested and have exercised the daily stress away, I can handle these fears with grace. But when I'm tired, scared, feeling alone, not knowing what to do or how to manage it all, and not having enough time to do my very best, I cave. I literally feel like I enter a cave of darkness, and pessimism and self-loathing take over my being. The only physical remedy when I'm so far into this cave is sleeping it off, or walking it off, but with a close friend so my thoughts won't wander off course and venture down Worry Lane anymore.

When I'm in that cave, I begin to have irrational thoughts of inadequency, that I'm not doing a good job, that I should be able to do better. I also wish my way into a darker corner of the cave, wishing circumstances were different, that I could win the lottery, that I could take time off and care for my dear sweet mom, who is recovering from a cerebral hemmorage of her cerebellum and is now home after a month in the hospital.

But that cave and those down-spiraling, de-centering thoughts don't help me feel stronger or more capable or more resilient. They only focus on what's wrong and not on all that's going well and all that there is to be grateful for. Gratitude is the flashlight in the cave. One of the only surefire ways to see my way out of the darkness. That's really what sleep and dreaming and walking and good company bring me back to: gratitude. 

So when you feel in despair and don't know what to do or don't know how you could possibly overcome all the obstacles or hardships turning you closer to the dark cave of self-criticism and negativity, try to combat that darkness with the light of gratitude. When I'm really deep into that cave though, this can be extremely difficult, but try to at least acknowledge the beauty of your surroundings or the love you feel for someone, the air you're breathing, the time--however short that you're taking to think of something to be grateful for, because the very starting of this change in view is key, and it's definitely a practice, not something that comes naturally when you're feeling overwhelmed. I wish it were, but practicing is a big part of life--it teaches us resilience and perseverance, the ability to develop more deeply what we decide to practice.

Living a more grateful life more often takes a lot of practice but you're almost guaranteed to feel better and filled with more light as a result. It guides us lovingly out of the cave of despair. And that's something to be very grateful for.

Finding the Shiny Bits Underneath the Pain

My body always finds a way to slow me down and give me rest.

I can't say quite yet that I'm grateful for my good ol' monthly pain reminder--I think I'm not quite that spiritually evolved--but I can say that it has great power in forcing me to rest and try to relax, or the pain will be exacerbated. Yesterday I learned that my amazing mom would be transferred to a rehabilitation center today. I have been going to the hospital to see her everyday since that scary day nearly two weeks ago when she passed out. 

Many have told me, including my mom, to have some fun and take care of myself, but I really was at a loss for how to do that, even though I have focused this very blog on wellness and self-care-related topics for over a year now. So now as I sit here waiting for one of my mom's cats to come home, who is not cooperating, and feel that familiar annoying pain again, I am trying to stay in the moment, breathe, enjoy the much needed time to rest, be with my mom's other kitties and keep them company, watch an exciting 20-year old movie (Speed--can you believe it came out 20 years ago?!), and be patient. And funny thing, aren't those some of the key ingredients to taking care of myself? 

So as I learn to show gratitude even for the times when I am in pain, I also recognize some of the lessons hidden among the folds of pain. I learn over and over again to focus on the moment, focus on my breath, focus on the importance of resting and not overdoing it, focus on the love of animals and nature, focus on simple enjoyment, and focus on practicing patience. 

After reflecting on all the lessons available in pain, I am starting to warm up to the idea of feeling a bit of gratitude for this monthly reminder to focus on myself and my body and my good. This could actually be a helpful exercise when facing any hardship or frustration. Look underneath the obvious discomfort and find the shiny lessons and wisdom to be gained from the experience. And remember, once learned doesn't necessarily mean you'll remember the next time. This is an exercise, like gratitude, that must be repeated regularly. 

What shiny wisdom can you find underneath your pain or discomfort?

Trying to Be Brave and Not Beating Myself Up When I'm Not

When did it become the ideal to show a tough face and not show any real emotions when your mom's having a health crisis? Isn't it just as wonderful to see how very much someone loves the person who is in crisis and how they let their emotions flow and their love surround that person? And wouldn't it be cool if your tears were interpreted as a sign of strength? Wouldn't it be neat to be applauded for how well you're dealing with a crisis by how much you're releasing your emotions and being okay with them, not fighting or repressing them?

I never imagined that these past 7 and a half months of daily practice would be preparing me for such a crisis. But a week ago tomorrow, my mom passed out and was rushed to the ER and then rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding in her brain. All my daily stressors seem so trivial when I think of the amount and kind of stress I've been under these past 7 days. But I also mustn't undermine my feelings or make comparisons like that, because stress is stress. And although I'd love to rant about how much I hate stress, that's not accepting that it exists, that it's a part of each of our lives, and that the best possible thing we can do is learn to accept what we're feeling when we're feeling it and then let it pass. 

Trouble can come when we don't let that stress pass through and it gets stuck somewhere inside us. As I learned in a meditation retreat I attended 3 years ago, act as if you're a maître de and usher it in, letting the stress pass right by you. Of course in my case, at the present time, the stress can't exactly pass right by--instead it's looking at me straight in the face, but I can at least recognize it, honor it, accept it, give it a hug, and then let it pass through me or breathe it out. If I reject it or pretend I'm not feeling it or act as others expect me to act or want me to act, then I'm not honoring my experience nor my feelings nor my reaction or response to given event, and I'm also not letting the stress pass through me. 

So I'm here to say that this is rough. I wax and wane. I'm not always strong. Sometimes I'm a wreck. It pains me so much to see my mom in pain. I hate leaving her every night, but I'm so so grateful for her excellent care in the ICU and I'm so so thankful for each and every baby step she makes towards recovery. I am proud that my love for her is so big and strong that it tears me up to see her suffer. I am glad I have the ability to express my feelings and not feel inclined to bottle them up and file them away inside me. I choose to release my emotions by expressing them and sharing them. I am so fortunate to have the love and support of my mom's many friends and our family. I am so honored to be this amazing and courageous woman's only daughter.

Blessings in Every Hurdle

August 6, 2014

I find myself asking, "What's wrong with me?" this morning as I lounge on the couch and am not motivated to do anything very productive. I hear the answer almost immediately, "You're tired, Marita." "You're exhausted. You're kind of burned out." My body has a way of slowing me down when I get caught up in the busy-ness of everyday life and forget to stop and rest and recharge enough. 

I took today off because it has been 2 years to the day since I had my open surgery. The surgery that cured my Nutcracker Syndrome and eventually, although it took way longer than anyone had anticipated because of an open wound aka. Sparkle, healed the chronic pain I had been living with in 2012. I was lucky though, doctors found a reason for this pain relatively quickly and I had the surgery eight short months after my first big pain attack occurred. Some people live for years with such pain. :(

As I typed this last paragraph, my mind flashed back to a pretty road on Whidbey Island where Geovanny and I visited on our first day trip together three years ago Sunday. :) I remember the excitement of new love and just beginning to get to know what a wonderful person this man is, this man who is now my husband. 

Young love on the ferry back from Whidbey Island, August 3rd of 2011 :)

I am moved to tears when I think of the incredible gifts I have received. I have jumped over a lot of hurdles but I am so blessed! For every hurdle, I believe there are at least five blessings wrapped up in it. As long as I take the time to see the little sparkly blessings, I know it's all been worth it.

On a day like today, I feel lucky to be able to get up out of bed on my own. (Tears again.) I feel lucky to take a shower. I feel lucky to eat almost anything I want and feel hungry when my body needs food. I feel lucky to walk upright. Lucky to go for a hike later today--my post-op-iversary tradition which started last year with summer hikes to Meadowdale Beach, Mt. Rainier and Cougar Mountain. Lucky to be able to go to the bathroom. (I know, TMI, but if you've ever had surgery, you know what I mean and it IS a big deal.) I feel lucky to feel hardly any pain. (I had cramps over the weekend and a headache the last two days, but it was manageable, uncomfortable yes but manageable, because I was still able to function and drive and visit with people and go to work and eat and go for a walk.)

One of our many hikes last summer to the magnificent Meadowdale Beach in Edmonds, WA (where I first started exercising again after my surgery)

After climbing as far as we could on Mt. Rainier, less than a year after my open abdominal surgery!

Cougar Mountain one year ago today for my first post-op-iversary hike with my love :)

So I'm throwing my "should do" list out the window and embracing the much needed rest of a day off. No matter what the reason for the day off, I am listening to my body right now, as the back of my head still pounds a bit, and acknowledging that I still need to rest. Other things can wait. I really won't be "productive" if I don't first take time to rest, relax and rejuvenate myself. 

Whenever my body calls out like this, I think I will start asking instead "How can I feed my body what she needs?" rather than "What is wrong with me?" Because there is nothing wrong with me. My body is working exactly as it should, by telling me when I've overdone it and when I'm in need of some good old fashioned R + R.

So for now, I'm celebrating this 2nd anniversary of my operation by writing this blog from the couch on my smart phone with the birds chirping outside and the kitty cats lying at my feet.

Gussy warming my feet :)

Roo Bear sleeping above me :)

I'm starting to feel better already. :) So thankful for therapeutic writing and for you reading this piece of my heart.

And today it has been 1 whole year since I started writing weekly wellness blogs and 7 months and counting of daily practice posts!