Blogging from the Blackhole: My Journey to Organize Certain Hot Spots in Our Home Before Baby Comes (Week 1)

 

I think most people probably have one. They probably don't like to talk about it or even think about it too much. What's that, you say? A blackhole of stuff in your home. I have several. And like a blackhole, they suck my energy. Because I want to be energized from my home and not the opposite, I've been planning to clear one particular blackhole in our bedroom for some time now. But the mere fact that it sucks my energy to just think about it has stopped me from getting too far. That's when I remembered that this blog has been an excellent accountability partner in the past with creating positive habits, so I've decided to blog from the blackhole every week until it's cleared. If you have a similar area in your home, I invite you to join me. :) You never know what you might find!

 

Here are some steps to get started:

1) Think of a treat to reward yourself with when you get started or to motivate you to take the first step. :) Mine’s a root beer float (with coconut milk ice cream). Yum!

 

2) Take only a few things out at a time, especially if you're attempting this in the evening after a busy day. (I've said I'll work on this on the weekend but there's always something more fun to do so weeknights are a better option for me.

3) Remove the items from near the blackhole to work through them. It's important to find a space that isn't as cluttered so you can work more smoothly through the stuff.

4) Take a mini-break if you need to before digging in. You make the rules--it's not a competition so go at your own speed and do what feels right.

5) Dig in! Put on some upbeat music or a funny show you've watched before (nothing too distracting though).

6) You pick the length of time to work on this each day. It can be adjusted to best fit your busy schedule. Remember you're the boss! (This is totally a pep talk for me...hoping as I write this that I'll finally make some headway!)

There are lots of great resources, guides and ideas out there about organizing your living space and decluttering. Where I sometime feel resistance though is in all the steps and/or rules to follow. I don't want to have to look back at a guide to figure out the next correct step when I'm in the middle of the flow of disengaging the blackhole. I like the idea that I'm in charge. It takes some of the performance pressure off, at least for me. 

The balancing act is to show ourselves self-compassion and go at our own pace so we don't start pressuring ourselves to beat our earlier time. Yes, it does feel a bit like a race to the finish line because I'm 7 months pregnant, but I'm not going to let that rush me and cause me stress because then I'll most likely freeze up and be back at square one. 

So sit back, get cozy, and go through the stuff you find in the blackhole, little by little, at your own pace. :)

And take note while and after if your energy increases. I've only gone through two bags of mystery items from the blackhole and I already feel a little better from the baby steps taken tonight. (No pun intended. :) )

 

Befriending Stress

I’ve started to grow tired of hearing or reading over and over again about “avoiding stress” or “combating stress.”  Do we really have to be at battle or go to war with a natural process? I know some forms of stress don’t feel very good in the moment, but I don’t think it’s actually the stress itself that is the issue. It’s how we react and respond to the stressors. So instead of avoiding or combating, wouldn’t it be more effective to actually befriend it and show it compassion so that responding--instead of reacting--can be made easier? Wouldn’t you rather respond gently to a friend than react violently to an enemy? Which do you think is better for your overall health? I’m thinking friendly interactions feel better and thus are better for us. And if stress is such a common phenomenon that we really deal with every day, wouldn’t it be more helpful and beneficial to our overall well-being to learn how to interact with it, rather than avoid it or fight it all the time? I’m tired of fighting it. I surrender. Now I want to befriend it and show it compassion like I would a friend. Because it’s a real part of our lives and as I learn how to respond gently to stress, won’t I feel lighter and more peaceful and gentle myself?

But I consider myself a grass-roots, down-to-earth kind of person and I want some really practical ways to “befriend” our stress.  It’s easy enough to say or write it down, but how do we actually do it? I believe for any positive change to take place, we must come from a grounded space, well-rested and settled into our center--our core, through deep breathing, mindful awareness of everyday activities, taking our sweet time and not rushing, and through relishing in what we love and giving ourselves the gift of time to do what we love. And if we’re feeling uninspired to do what we love, it’s probably time for more rest and especially time for greater self-compassion, because one of the greatest gifts we gain from doing what we love is making time for us. Yes, US! (I know, hard to believe, huh?) I know it might feel like there isn’t enough time--trust me, I feel this way a lot too--but I have to consistently remind myself that we make time for what we love, we don’t necessarily HAVE time for all we love. 

So instead of doing something that’s not necessary and that we don’t really love, why not redirect our focus and our time to doing something that enlivens us and fills us with inspired passion, joy and energy for life?  One big time sucker is social media. I really do believe that feeling that social connection with our friends and family who we don’t get to see regularly can help cultivate deeper relationships, but I also believe that we enter a kind of time warp when we're on social media where time flies by and before we know it, we’ve spent an hour reading random posts that don’t have much to do with our life mission or our passion or even our close family and friends’ updates. At the same time though, I can see the therapeutic value to watching funny videos or seeing cute photos because it gets us out of our head and worries and we de-stress through laughter. But everything is better with moderation. I’m seriously considering setting the timer on my smart phone before I enter a social media site and when I hear the timer go off after a predetermined amount of time, then I can reevaluate if this is really how I want to spend another 15 minutes of my precious free time. And if it isn’t, then there’s a wonderful opportunity to put down the phone and do something creative.

I feel very fortunate to have been introduced to the Fun-A-Day Challenge 2 years ago this month. Through this challenge, I vowed to have fun creating something new each day of the sometimes dreary month of January. And through a group on social media dedicated to “Fun-A-Day” (see, there are multiple benefits indeed...befriend your social media as well, just don’t let it control all your time!) I had one of my first tastes of forming a daily practice and of having accountability partners that awaited my post each day and in turn which motivated me to follow through and fulfill my vow to have fun each day. :-) The sweet taste of a daily practice expanded beyond the month of January and I decided to post something each day that year, in 2014. (You can see links to each of my monthly intentions with corresponding daily posts from 2014 on the left-hand side of this page.) And I think this was a real turning point in my life and in my wellness-focused studies, because I was finally dedicating time each day to what I had studied and read about for years before, what I was so desperately seeking in a well-balanced life was finally coming to fruition through the gift of daily practice. I highly recommend it to anyone feeling stuck or wanting to finally take that next step in their life towards their big dreams.

So maybe that’s my answer to a grass-roots, more down-to-earth way to befriend stress: create a daily practice--if anything, a practice of daily self-kindness, of making time for yourself to do something that inspires you or lights you up, fills you with energy and makes you feel more alive.  Because with that increased energy and inspiration, stress may no longer look like an enemy which can help us shift our perspective and way we view stress. After all, stress may actually be set up to remind us to slow down, take better care of ourselves, ground ourselves through deep breathing, increase our mindful awareness, and make time for what we love. That does sound more like a friend now, huh?

Would you ever consider making friends with your stress? How would you go about it? I'd love to hear from you! Email me at: maritakane@gmail.com or connect with me on Facebook. :-)

With love and gratitude,
Marita

Stay tuned for Marita's coaching and workshop debut!

I Welcome Big Miracles Here and Now!

I'm tired of the thought pattern we're ingrained with about not deserving something horrible that happens to us or "deserving more." It's not a question of deserving. I don't believe anyone deserves pain or suffering. So when I hear myself asking why or how someone could deserve such an awful thing to happen to them, I need to stop and become aware that that thought doesn't serve me or anyone. Does that thought lift me up? Does it bring joy? Does it help anyone? No. It's not a question of asking why. I'm not even sure it's a question.

My dear friend, Jill, was so vibrant and joyous, so loving and with so much to share and teach others, so very full of life--the complete opposite of fatal brain cancer. It's incomprehensible that my buen amigo, Christian, whose laughter made everyone feel joyful around him, could die of stomach cancer in less than six short months. And my wonderful, devoted, fun-loving mom lost her own dear parents at the tender age of 16, was then cheated on and left with a rundown house and 5-year-old daughter to raise, and now has been put through such horrible suffering from a brain bleed last August, which is thought to have originated at the time of the car accident which killed her parents.

How do we make sense of these events? Or do we even try? What good comes to us or anyone when we struggle to "make sense" of incomprehensible suffering? I think the true answer lies in getting out of our heads and sinking into our bodies and opening up our hearts to find peace in our souls with what's happened. To cultivate faith continually through centering ourselves to the earth and giving thanks for even the simplest beauty we have been graced to witness during this life--the full moon, the blooming daffodils, the green grass, the giant all-knowing redwoods, ripe sweet fruit, purring kittens, and as Julie Andrews would sing, "raindrops on roses," to name just a few.

When we can get back into our bodies and out of our analyzing heads, I believe then we will begin to feel greater peace. It might not answer our mind's nagging questions, but it will bring openness back to our hearts and hopefully with practice through that openness, a growing connection to our souls where we can trust in a greater knowing, from within, from God, from the Universe, from our ancestors, from the angels, from the Divine, from positivity, from altruism, from your God of understanding, from your spiritual practice. Opening our hearts, when all we want to do is hunker down and close up shop, is in and of itself a daily spiritual practice that develops and tones our trust muscles. And the key ingredient is self-compassion. Gently returning to this practice when we go astray and not judging ourselves or others when this happens.

I welcome big miracles here and now!

Practicing Self-Compassion is Fun

I'm practicing self-compassion with my Fun-A-Day challenge, because I haven't posted in the last few days because I have been super busy learning and growing at my first life coaching training weekend at Seattle Life Coach Training. On Saturday, for fun and experience and growth, I got to phone coach for the first time using a wheel of balance exercise, which, I might add, involved coloring. :) 

Then on Sunday, I practiced creative visualization and right after saw a 2-second rainbow--like it was just for me. And then that afternoon I celebrated with my entire city/state /region when our beloved Seattle Seahawks won in overtime in a nearly impossible comeback to go to the Super Bowl again! I think the players also visualized their win and never ever gave up. So inspiring and the joyful energy was contagious!

Yesterday I had fun sleeping in, feeling moved by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. quotes, and enjoying healing acupuncture. And today, although I didn't feel very good, fighting a persistent headache and then good ol' cramps, I would say that having self-compassion and self-love in going home early and eating healing pho and resting all afternoon and evening was the best gift I could give myself today. The gift of listening to my body and my intuition and taking care of myself. Not fun to have pain but essential to have self-compassion and a little fun to get to watch Rio 2 while resting. :) 

Artwork coming again soon. Here are some photos I've taken the past few days for now.

Embracing My Inner Amateur

Today after a long, dark, rainy drive, I met a kindred spirit friend for the Edmonds Art Walk and we had such a nice time. Art and bring with artistic people is a great cure of the grumpiness traffic can create. :) I felt inspired to try drawing again and even though I looked up pictures online for inspiration and guidance, the idea came to me as I hugged my friend good bye in the rain. I couldn't quite figure out how to draw a hug but I'm practicing self-compassion, vulnerability, courage, and no judgment of my art so I can work on that another day. 

"Every artist was first an amateur."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Striving for Good Enough

This past week I've felt a little bit better about my paper addiction by making some progress and even thinning down some of the piles. I have collected paper since I was a girl. I still have some papers from my childhood. Honestly I love paper. I can't deny it. I'm one of those people who can stare at the scrapbook paper at the craft store for a long time. But my collection has gotten a little out of hand and after moving twice in the past 2 years, I would have liked to have been more organized by now. So this week I think I finally got tired of complaining about not having enough time or energy to go through things. And a few mornings ago, I just started going through some papers in a box in our bedroom before I went to work. It wasn’t that sunny out so I didn’t feel as motivated to get to work early and go for a nice walk in the park like in previous weeks, so I instead went through some papers. I didn’t recycle anything or get rid of anything in that instant, but I at least started. Starting is half the battle, I’m finding! So let this be a reminder to my future self to just get started. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t even have to get finished. It just has to get started and keep restarting until it’s good enough. 

I'm striving for “Good Enough!” It's a new normal for me, as a recovering perfectionist. A more realistic and kinder way of living. A more compassionate process, rather than pushing myself to finish everything perfectly and completely the first try and feeling horribly when I don’t succeed. That’s not helping matters. It’s not helping me feel supported in my development. I am working on many personal growth projects right now and showing kindness to myself is probably the number one predictor of my future success and follow-through.  Life isn’t all about productivity. There are so many more interesting aspects of living. So many wonderful lessons to learn. Observations to be made. Love to share. Laughter to be had. Stories to tell. Tips to teach. Creativity to form!

And because of the small progress I made that morning, the next day I came home after an almost hourlong commute miraculously with enough motivation and energy to go through another box that had been sitting in the closet for almost a year. This time I separated things into different piles, deciding what was worth saving, what was worth photographing so that it could then be recycled, what was worth pitching, and what could be used in a future collage. :) It is a lot easier now that I'm collaging regularly to get rid of cute invitations and cards I had been saving, because I can now use the images and words that really inspire and resonate with me and give them a new life in a unique piece of art. :)

The pressure of having to go through EVERYTHING I've collected that sits in the closet, in the drawers, in boxes, in the bookcase, on the table is frankly too overwhelming. By striving for good enough instead and practicing self-compassion in the process, I can work on a small pile of papers that I pulled from one of the problem places and feel more accomplished going through that small pile than I ever did just staring at the daunting task as a whole before me. Breaking it down into little piles is manageable and helps me feel more successful. Also not focusing on finishing, and instead on getting started--over and over again--is much more realistic and doesn't overwhelm me as much. It takes the pressure off. The pressure to do a perfect job and finish going through years of paperwork in the blink of an eye. This is not going to be a quick process with me. I know myself. I love to relish in nostalgia from time to time. I love history. I love reminiscing. I was after all the historian of an honor society club back in high school. Not everything in life is a rush to the finish line. Many things in life turn out better and more enjoyable when taking our time.

So in order to seek progress rather than completion, I must celebrate each and every little victory. Each time I get started. And remember that life is a process, not a destination. Not everything in life is about completing something--so much of life's joys are found along the way as we step forward.

I'll leave you with some decluttering inspiration that serendipitously found me this very week on Facebook from author, Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Pick up an object. Ask self: 'Does this object fill me with a sense of light and possibility?' If yes, keep it. If not, throw that sh*t away." ~Liz Gilbert

Adding A Little Zest To Life

At the beginning of the year, I received a random card at a Seattle Unity service that was entitled zeal. I hadn't really used this term before though but I immediately liked the sound of it. I had already set an intention to have more fun and be more playful, because I found myself getting really serious and not having much fun as a result, so this card reinforced that intention.

That is about the same time when the Fun-A-Day project appeared out of the blue and was like an answer to the winter blues I had been facing. I had SO MUCH FUN during the month of January creating something new each day and posting it on my blog as Daily Creativity! And this started a daily habit or practice for me, of posting a little something each day, like a reflection, a photo, a short poem, or an inspiring quote. I have had a lot of fun sharing and posting everyday on my blog and one of the most fun and creative parts is brainstorming about a new theme for the month or sometimes just listening to my inner voice and focusing on what I need to focus on in the coming month.

So this month, I have chosen Zest & Zeal. I intend to bring more awareness to the art of having fun and how to add more zest and zeal to everyday life. This can be anything really and I can't wait to see where it leads. I really had NO IDEA that joining the Fun-A-Day Challenge back in January would lead to all these different daily practices each month--February brought Abundance, March brought Self-Love, April brought Grace, May brought Surrender, and June brought Goodness. I love that I can sum up 2014 in these beautiful words, actions, intentions, and practices--creativity, prosperity, self-compassion, graceful living, letting go, and owning my goodness.

And now I'm adding a little more zest and zeal to my days by choosing to focus on:

lively feelings of enjoyment and enthusiasm that increases energy in pursuit of a cause or an objective

And my cause or objective is to be more playful and recognize and honor all the zest and zeal already in my life. :) Just in the past 2 days, I've found zeal in nature through discovering a beautiful pond filled with momma ducks navigating through the lilypads and dragonflies hovering just over the surface.

I have a feeling that I'll be finding zest and zeal everywhere and I can't wait to share with you what I discover this month. :)

Where do you find zest and zeal?

Dear Pain

I had the privilege to write for my surgery sister, Elizabeth Katherine's blog recently and I wanted to share what I wrote her as well. This post was part of a series of "Letters to Pain" that Elizabeth Katherine featured this past month. You can read more about her journey on her blog, These Next 6 Months.

Dear Pain,

Since your chronic onset several years ago, I have done all I can to avoid you and get rid of you and this past year after having surgery, try to block you from my mind and not to think about you as much. But lately I have been reading about leaning into all of Life’s experiences and I realize that just as much as I want to lean into joyous moments, I must also learn to lean into difficult circumstances as well, and show kindness and compassion to even my inner critic or anxious thoughts or scared feelings or stabbing pain.

It has taken me a long time and a lot of reading and a lot of reflection to get to this point, and I’m far from mastering the “leaning in” tactic. I still find myself resisting the pain I experience, generally and thankfully only one or two days a month now, but this can also be applied to emotional pain, painful memories, and the trauma of what I have been through—of the hell I visited with stabbing pain, chronic achiness, major surgery, and open wounds.  When I feel myself squinch my face up and tense my entire body up, I am more aware now that I’m trying to fight the pain I’m feeling. Which seems totally logical, doesn’t it? Why wouldn’t we want to fight painful feelings? I’ve been taught to fight back, not bow down and let something take me over.

But from reading more about vulnerability and self-compassion from the great thinkers like Pema Chodron and Brene Brown, I am realizing that surrendering is very powerful and has VERY powerful effects on pain. I heard once at a 5-day silent meditation retreat that I went to several years ago that we should welcome ALL feelings into our being, like guests, but also know that they won’t be staying forever. The Guesthouse by Rumi is a wonderful poem about this.  I also love the quote from Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka. SARK) which reads: “I’m learning to hold the little hands of those scared parts inside of myself, and just sit with them. They love this.” I want to challenge myself to try this even with pain. Because pain, for me, is connected to fear.

Quite frankly, I am afraid of pain. Always have been. I don’t like it. I feel so vulnerable—there’s that word again. So maybe something to try is to become more comfortable with feeling vulnerable.  I have a sticky note on my computer screen which reads “Perk up and lean in.” I heard it at a 2-day mindfulness training I attended last June. I love the metaphorical image it creates in my mind. I picture my kitty cat leaning into me so lovingly. I picture myself leaning into my beloved husband, trusting him completely and openly. I picture my future babies leaning into me with all the love in the world. I want to get to the point where I can lean into ALL circumstances and feelings I experience. It will definitely be a challenge, but I think even baby steps towards this will slowly add up and begin to build up my acceptance of vulnerability and pain and fear.

I cannot tell you how much reading and research I’ve done in search of a way of getting rid of fear, only to find out that the secret is actually to lean into it and befriend it, or at the very least acknowledge its existence and hold its hand. It is quite comforting when I do this.

Now the trick is to remember this the next time I experience pain.  My husband does a wonderful job reminding me to breathe and showing me unconditional love. Sometimes holding my kitty cat and hearing her purr soothes me and reminds me to slow down my breath.  Sometimes I begin to pray and ask for help from the Divine.

I think I will remember to lean in during difficult, painful times if I begin to practice leaning in with uncomfortable feelings that are less painful.  I have several weeks to go before my pain will return to pay me its now monthly visit, so I think I ought to start practicing with some of Life’s daily annoyances now.

But I also want to and must practice self-compassion, because when pain comes, if I don’t remember to lean in, if I get angry again with the pain, if I don’t feel very mindful in those desperate moments, I can at least show myself kindness and not judge myself for not feeling very graceful under these circumstances. We do the best we can and I certainly wouldn’t yell at a good friend for crying out in pain, so why don’t I extend that same kindness and compassion to myself?  Self-compassion is definitely a daily practice thing as well, so taking little steps to show myself more kindness may help me remember to be kind in moments when I don’t feel very graceful.

May I remember to show myself kindness in challenging moments, in all moments for that matter.  May I remember to lean in and make all my feelings feel welcome, rather than tense up and step away from the pain.

Respectfully and lovingly,

Maret

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

translation by Coleman Barks

Celebrating Our Own Talents and Gifts

Happy October, everyone!  'Tis the season to enjoy pumpkin spice almond milk lattes, corn mazes, accessorizing with pretty scarves and fuzzy boots, and the vibrant colors of the changing leaves. May each of you savor the sights, scents, flavors, fuzziness and songs of the autumn season.

On this edition of Tranquil Tuesdays, I've decided to honor and appreciate myself more.  This was sparked by a wonderful weekly email sent out today by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka. SARK, my favorite inspirational artistic author) on whether we appreciate ourselves enough.  It got me thinking about a general longing that sometimes comes up for me for greater appreciation and recognition from others of my efforts, my struggles, all I've overcome, and how maybe, just maybe the appreciation that I seek actually needs to come from within.  Maybe I need to truly appreciate and recognize--on a regular basis--all that I've accomplished in order to truly feel appreciated.  Because if we feel at peace with ourselves, we generally feel at peace with the world.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with self-compassion also.  Are we willing to be as compassionate about our own struggles and difficulties as we are with others?  Many are very good at showing care and concern for our loved ones and our friends and the people we serve, if we're in a helping profession, but how often do we show that same care and concern for ourselves?  I attended a training on the topic of compassion fatigue back in May and I think I was truly too burned out to digest any more information on the subject.  It was just too overwhelming to think about all the things I could and should be doing to prevent this type of fatigue from helping others.  Funny how sometimes when we need the advice the most, we can't absorb it as well as we can later on, after the dust has settled, when we feel a little better and can begin to be more proactive.

I've begun to realize that the key is to practice, practice, practice the stress management techniques that work best for me at times when I feel proactive and open to these ideas, and then over time, through habit, I will begin to react in a calmer, more peaceful way, in hopes of responding rather than reacting when stress comes to visit.  My hope is also to study this subject of stress management so much that I remember more frequently and readily many of the helpful tips I've read about and can use them and practice them in difficult times.

So in appreciation of my journey, I want to recognize my tenacity for finding solutions to difficult problems and stressful situations, my creativity for expressing what I've learned in life through movement, photography and the written word, and my outstanding love of nature and beauty.

Phew.  That was a little uncomfortable and challenging to write about publicly, but I think we can all benefit from recognizing our own gifts more often, don't you?