4th Post-Op-Iversary!

Four years ago today I had major open abdominal surgery to move my left renal vein down a little so it would no longer be compressed by my aorta and superior mesenteric artery (SMA), a condition I was born with but that doesn't manifest until your 20s or 30s typically. This condition is interestingly called the Nutcracker Syndrome, because the left renal vein is like a nut being cracked by the aorta and SMA. Symptoms vary but mine were extreme stabbing pain in my lower left pelvic area during menstration, caused by secondary internal varicose veins on my left ovary and the left side of my intestines and also chronic daily achiness from standing or sitting for too long. 

I feel extremely lucky to have had such amazing results after this surgery. The daily achiness virtually gone. The monthly menstrual stabbing pain minimized to a couple of painful hours rather than days. It was like I was given my life back. Early detection played a big part though. The first really bad pain occurred in January 2012, although I had started to feel increased nausea and dizziness the fall before that. Within 8 months, I was having the necessary surgery to open up my renal vein so that the secondary varicose veins could retreat or retire because they're no longer needed. Luckily for me, my body didn't have that much time to create millions of varicosities thankfully. 

I chose to have open surgery over having a stent placed in my renal vein because I knew I wanted to be a mom someday and the stent seemed way too risky with the movement of organs during pregnancy. I was not even married at the time but I knew in my heart that I needed to plan ahead for my future babies. I was however dating an amazing and caring man who is now my husband and father of our baby girl who is due in less than a month. :)

I'm also very thankful for not having a stent put in because my body told me shortly after the surgery how much it despises foreign metal objects by slowly spitting out each of the metal stitches that were placed during the open surgery. I don't know though if my body would have done so if I hadn't had a post-op infection in which the ER doctor, a week after being released from the hospital, had to reopen my wound and let it heal from the bottom up. This was to take about 6 weeks to heal, they told me initially. It didn't heal completely until all the metal stitches were spit out 4 months later. The wound had to be cared for twice or three times per day which my loving boyfriend did before and after work everyday for several months until I was strong enough to clean the wound myself. I couldn't bring myself to look at the open wound for about a month. It was very grotesque and upsetting. The pain of packing the wound with dry gauze multiple times a day was unbearable. This was to stimulate the healing process so the wound could heal from the bottom up, but boy was it awful! 

Soon after the wound had been reopened, one doctor was explaining the process and one term sounded like fireworks or something similar but my dear mom, who was caring for me after my surgery, couldn't remember the exact term so she called it a sparkler. And this is how my wound/scar got her name, Sparkle. It really helped to be able to call this big open area on my belly a nice name like Sparkle. She is still affectionately called that today, 4 years later. 

The whole healing process created a lot of anxiety and PTSD in me. Counseling and life coaching have helped immensely. And I'm so grateful to report that I'm now 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and have had minimal pain, hardly any of which have anything to do with the Nutcracker or residual pelvic varicosities. My husband and I also feel blessed in a way to have experienced such intense pain together because I always said the pain was preparing me for labor and now we're only weeks away from meeting our sweet baby girl who we hope to have naturally at a birth center. I never thought it'd even be possible with my past medical history but everything shows that I'm healthy and my body likes being pregnant. I feel so lucky to be able to experience such awe in creating a baby human being and be able to carry her for nine months while she develops. In all our checkups with the midwife, the baby seems very healthy and is growing so well. :)

It's been a long road but we're now going to be parents within the next month and we're overjoyed with this incredible blessing! Happy, grateful tears stream down my face as I type this. What an amazing journey!

 

 

Maternity photos by Kristina Slaney of Family Work Life at: https://familyworklife.myportfolio.com 

One Month To Go

Lately--obviously--really all that's been on my mind is our sweet baby getting ready for her world debut on or around September 2nd, which is one month from today. I had lofty goals of getting other things done in my life as well before her debut but now I'm really just hunkering down and embracing her pending arrival with love and patience and faith. I can't overdo it at this point. There are many things to get done at my work, many things to complete at home, many to-do lists to check off, and many things I'd like to do between now and when we get to meet our baby girl. The blackhole work has taken a pause--such is life. My budding coaching business has taken a pause as well--stay tuned for coaching packages available in 2017 though. :) And now most of my energy is dedicated to the greatest life transition of all--parenthood. It's really the ultimate lesson in letting go of perfection and embracing our whole selves, embracing the inherent love we have inside each of us. Because with all that love, we can really do anything. I pray I can keep positivity at the forefront throughout this beautiful journey we're about to embark upon, despite not sleeping as much or not knowing what we're doing all of the time. If we can fully embrace the journey, relish in the gratitude of being so blessed to be on this amazing journey, and fill ourselves up over and over again with the absolute love that we have for this sweet baby girl, we can accomplish anything.

You are so loved, Baby Girl!

Letting Go and Starting Anew - A Year in Review

Each New Year’s Eve I like to look back at the past year and take some time to reflect and learn from all I experienced. Last Sunday I participated in one of my New Year's traditions. Five years ago, my dear friend, Julie took me to her family’s church for an end of the year burning bowl ceremony. It’s where you release what is no longer serving you and make room for the new. Ever since, I have looked forward to this ritual each December. 

This ritual reminds me of an Ecuadorian tradition to burn “anoviejos” at midnight on New Year’s. Anoviejos are paper mache figurines that represent the previous year and are burned to release the old year and start afresh. The anoviejos can be range from super heroes to even political figures. 

Although I probably won’t be burning an anoviejo this year, one of the best examples of letting go today may be with this blog post. I had just completed and hit “publish” on a beautiful post that I spent the morning working on just now and then lost it! Puff! Vanished into thin cyberspace air. Devastating to lose my creative work but then I began to shift my perspective and see what a lesson it is of the very subject I was writing about. We just have to keep going and start fresh again. Just like the new year. I’m sad to not be able to share my original post with all of you but I did save an earlier version of the content so I will do my best to start again. (Like in life, huh?) And tonight I will eat 12 grapes at midnight, another favorite Ecuadorian tradition of mine.

So here goes...

Almost a year ago, I officially started my journey to become a transformational life coach. (In reality, I had begun this journey years before as I researched ways to better manage stress and help people around as well.) I met some of the most amazing and caring people in my coaching class. I also gained the experience and confidence to offer more workshops and even facilitate a session at an in-service day for support staff where I work. Professionally, I also got a new job that’s closer to my home and is in a more supportive environment with a window that has a few of a protected green area where I’ve seen deer, coyote, and even an owl. 

We took several trips to fun places, both nearby and far away. Our travels took us to beautiful, tranquil Whidbey Island to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary, to Yakima and wine country to celebrate the last of summer, to Portland to visit close friends and their babies, to Grayland, WA for my dear cousin’s graduation party.

We also found a little piece of heaven on Earth in Canoa - Ecuador and up above the clouds of Quito - Ecuador as we visited many wonderful friends and family. 

Our friends and family took us to most amazing places in Ecuador, like a waterfall hike by the famous Otavalo marketplace, fresh fish in Salango for Thanksgiving after an adventure in driving down the Ruta del Sol on the Ecuadorian coast, standing at the Westernmost point of South America and watching the sea lions sunbathe, driving over the Andes Mountains in 3 hours through some of the most breathtaking countryside I've seen, getting a little lost in the valleys near Cuenca but in the end finding a delicious traditional lunch, playing with wonderful children. We are truly blessed to have had the chance to spend 3 weeks in our second home of Ecuador this year!

My husband, Geovanny and I went on beautiful nature hikes and drove late at night to stargaze and see supermoons, Venus and Jupiter, and even the Star of Bethelem! We enjoyed parties with friends and family in our still new apartment and spent time by my brother-in-law’s pool over the summer. I got to see and hear the amazing orca whales pass right below while staying in an incredible house on San Juan Island with dear friends from middle school. I went on my first business trip flying to Spokane for a conference and venturing to see my dad in beautiful Idaho one evening as well. 

I trained with my best bud, Emily to walk my first half-marathon in September. (We completed it in a little over 4 hours.) I decided to take out most gluten, corn, soy, caffeine, and sugar from my diet (that last one is still a journey though of course). And I no longer have to take allergy pills everyday as a result! 

I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity and Divine timing to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends, help her feel safe in her journey to Heaven, and hold her family in love and light. My faith increased as signs from my new angel friend graced the skies over and over again before and after her passing. I feel blessed to have captured so many in photos, as they serve as reminders to look up more often and trust in a higher power.

I didn't blog as much as I had set out to do, but I did participate in another Fun-A-Day challenge last January. (My first Fun-A-Day challenge in 2014 inspired me to post a little blog nearly everyday of the year that year!) In May I posted nature pictures everyday for about a month as a way to dedicate time just for me. I also added 18 mini-collages to my collage book.

So what's in store for next year? Stay tuned! It's sure to be a bright and promising 2016!

Meditations in Falling Off the Goal Wagon

A great deal of my thoughts, frustrations and energy have been dedicated throughout my life to feeling bad for falling off the “wagon.” I think I sometimes envision this wagon being a caravan filled with my hopes and dreams carrying me swiftly to my goal. So when I fall off of it and lose my way, stop doing the things I’ve committed to doing or not do them in the time frame I originally set up, I tend to feel really down. At least at first.  

Other times I start an “I don’t care” campaign in response to my falling off and apathy clouds my normally optimistic and hopeful disposition. In a way, this defiance can be an act of self-love, giving myself permission to give up the time-frame constraints I had originally imposed upon myself and allowing myself to be free and embrace a more impromptu way of living.  

I’ve struggled with these dueling ideas—plan, plan, plan for success and reaching my goals versus let it go, relax, don’t worry, I don’t care. But just now as I type this, another idea popped into my head. What if I stop struggling against my innate nature of planning and relaxing, and fully embrace these seemingly opposite traits to take a more positive stance? Could this taming of the duel inside be the key to peace? Isn’t the idea of envisioning our dreams and then releasing them the very basis for the famous Law of Attraction?  

Could there be a hidden nugget in my angst that I haven’t yet been accessing? I think so. And I’m intrigued. As an action-oriented planner and dreamer, this delights me that in my “laziness” I may have actually been cultivating something of value after all. Maybe all the time when I could have been “productive” and instead gave myself time to rest and “veg” on the couch or on Facebook was actually exactly what I needed to move forward.

Rest is required when on a journey. And setting out to reach our goals and dreams is quite a journey. So of course we need rest! In seeing my resting time as essential and valuable, I then give myself permission to take my sweet time, enjoy the view, reflect…or not, be human, and to gather my strength for the next lag of this incredible journey we call life. 

"You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love." —Caroline Adams

My Journey of Awareness

I would like to share some thoughts from my emotional awareness journey. It's been a long road and there is a long road ahead as well; I believe this is a lifelong journey, but in beginning to learn to accept all of the emotions that I experience, little flowers begin to pop up along the road, the views become more beautiful, and I start to enjoy the adventurous curves and bumps in my unique journey. 

Plain and simple – when I begin to feel grumpy, I now know I need to take a break from what I’m doing.

When I’m feeling anxious or afraid, I need to take deep breaths and try to expand the feelings I’m experiencing into a big bubble until I can lightly touch it and pop! The feelings have been freed. I'm thankful for this visual from the Sedona Method.

When I’m feeling disappointed or misunderstood, I need to make quality time for myself to do loving, compassionate, self-caring, and creative activities to feel more appreciated and understood.

When I’m feeling frustrated or pressured, I need to take a break and meditate on how big the Universe is and how vast Love is too, in order to put everything back into perspective.

When I’m feeling perfectionistic or down about something I could have done better, I need to recognize all the things I do well and enjoy doing.  Maybe even get out a brag book of positive feedback about myself from others for moments of self-criticism and low self-esteem.

When I begin to feel down and feel the spiral of catastrophizing beginning, I need to take a few moments, or maybe even an hour sometimes, to reflect on all that I am grateful for in this Life and watch a funny video or show, read an uplifting story, eat some mangos, go for a walk outside, or belly dance, to refocus my energy on all the miraculous positives of my Life.

What do you do to recognize, honor and learn from different emotions that visit you?

 

Celebrating Our Own Talents and Gifts

Happy October, everyone!  'Tis the season to enjoy pumpkin spice almond milk lattes, corn mazes, accessorizing with pretty scarves and fuzzy boots, and the vibrant colors of the changing leaves. May each of you savor the sights, scents, flavors, fuzziness and songs of the autumn season.

On this edition of Tranquil Tuesdays, I've decided to honor and appreciate myself more.  This was sparked by a wonderful weekly email sent out today by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka. SARK, my favorite inspirational artistic author) on whether we appreciate ourselves enough.  It got me thinking about a general longing that sometimes comes up for me for greater appreciation and recognition from others of my efforts, my struggles, all I've overcome, and how maybe, just maybe the appreciation that I seek actually needs to come from within.  Maybe I need to truly appreciate and recognize--on a regular basis--all that I've accomplished in order to truly feel appreciated.  Because if we feel at peace with ourselves, we generally feel at peace with the world.

I think this goes hand-in-hand with self-compassion also.  Are we willing to be as compassionate about our own struggles and difficulties as we are with others?  Many are very good at showing care and concern for our loved ones and our friends and the people we serve, if we're in a helping profession, but how often do we show that same care and concern for ourselves?  I attended a training on the topic of compassion fatigue back in May and I think I was truly too burned out to digest any more information on the subject.  It was just too overwhelming to think about all the things I could and should be doing to prevent this type of fatigue from helping others.  Funny how sometimes when we need the advice the most, we can't absorb it as well as we can later on, after the dust has settled, when we feel a little better and can begin to be more proactive.

I've begun to realize that the key is to practice, practice, practice the stress management techniques that work best for me at times when I feel proactive and open to these ideas, and then over time, through habit, I will begin to react in a calmer, more peaceful way, in hopes of responding rather than reacting when stress comes to visit.  My hope is also to study this subject of stress management so much that I remember more frequently and readily many of the helpful tips I've read about and can use them and practice them in difficult times.

So in appreciation of my journey, I want to recognize my tenacity for finding solutions to difficult problems and stressful situations, my creativity for expressing what I've learned in life through movement, photography and the written word, and my outstanding love of nature and beauty.

Phew.  That was a little uncomfortable and challenging to write about publicly, but I think we can all benefit from recognizing our own gifts more often, don't you?

Chipping Away at the Walls Around Us

Have you ever felt stuck and couldn't quite figure out why?

Sometimes we find ourselves going along in life, growing and changing and enjoying the process and then all of the sudden, we feel like we've hit a rut.  Why?

There is a chance that we may have at some point on the journey been hurt or fearful or betrayed and begun to put up a wall somewhere in our life to protect us from the outside world and sometimes even from ourselves, maybe without even realizing we did so.  In order to move forward again in our life, we need to start chipping away at that wall, brick by brick until we feel it start to budge a little--or a lot, if we're lucky.  Even a slight move can be enough to jumpstart our enthusiasm and get us out of the slump we were stuck in.

How, you might ask, can we move the walls we've put up around us?

I think we can literally start moving our physical bodies and get out of our heads in order to start wiggling the protective wall.  Probably for some, running works.  For others, dancing.  (That has been my experience in the past.)  For me, most recently, it was yoga set to joyful music and reflective writing.

But why would we even want to jiggle this wall out of place that has been supposedly "protecting" us from harm?  That may sound kind of scary, like taking the shell off of a snail.  Ah, but this is where the richness of life lies.  Once we wiggle free from this wall that's been holding us in place, we can begin to feel life again.  We may feel some sadness or confusion or frustration at first but with time and reflection, we can realize greater vulnerability in our relationships with ourselves and our loved ones and a greater understanding and appreciation of our situation and our journey.

For me, the first step is recognizing I have constructed this wall in the first place.  With awareness comes understanding and thankfully wisdom to start chipping away at the protective wall that is not only keeping away potential dangers but also potential joys.  I noticed that I had this tough wall up around me this past weekend while attending a workshop on fear.  This one-of-a-kind workshop was held in a yoga studio and involved many creative activities, such as writing, singing, dancing, doing yoga while singing, listening to joyful music and reflecting and sharing on some very deep and important topics.  This was also the first time I tried yoga since my surgery last year and I am happy to report that I was able to do most things, although I did feel some interesting sensations around my scar during the child's pose, normally my favorite yoga pose.  But I noticed the sensation and stuck with it, which was important for me in beginning to regain my courage and take back my former zest for life before my surgery last year.  This inspiring yoga/writing workshop on fear was created and presented by the amazing Jennifer Pastiloff.

In the process of writing and reflecting on what moves us and who we're grateful for in life, I realized I did not feel as moved as I normally would with such a powerful topic.  And my first reaction was, what is wrong with me?  Why do I feel so cold?  But I quickly realized that this "coldness" was the wall I had put up to protect me from past hurts and that this wall was preventing me from feeling my true, joyful, emotional self.  Just by recognizing this, I began to warm a little.  Not as much as I normally would, but that is why I use the word "budge" and "wiggle" because after constructing such a strong, protective wall up around you, it takes hard work to knock it down.  We must begin to first wiggle and nudge it out of its secure location so that we can begin to move forward again and feel fresh and energetic and hopeful again.  Even one brick chipped from the wall can make a world of a difference if we are aware of the progress we've made in taking that brick down.  Because we are the ones who are responsible for its construction and demolition.  We have the power to take down the walls around us so that we can truly experience life and love with our hearts wide open.


To read more about how important being vulnerable truly is, I highly recommend reading about Brene Brown's work, Pema Chodron's writing, any of my favorite creative author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)'s books or take an awe-inspiring workshop on manifestation from Jennifer Pastiloff.