Fear is Inner Awareness Bubbling To the Surface

More and more I’m feeling a great pull towards helping others feel their creativity alive inside them, as I have felt in myself, because I think that is one of the keys to feeling better about life in general, no matter what’s happening around you. 

Cultivating resilience is also something I feel I want to explore more, not sure if I am expert on it, although others say I’m resilient and it’s even listed as one of my most dependable strengths, but I think the key to really unlocking it within is to really believe that I am resilient, truly own this strength of mine and learn to recognize its presence in many different aspects of my life. 

This leads me to one of the most important things I’ve discovered on this journey of self-awareness and that is self-love. How utterly essential loving yourself is, no matter what, unconditionally, all the time, in every aspect, mood, body part of yourself. Because without that love, without the awareness of all it can do for each of us, I feel lost and overwhelmed with fear. 

I have been struggling with fear a lot in the past few days. I think it’s actually inner awareness that is bubbling to the surface and on the verge of creating more positive change in my life, but it can feel quite uncomfortable and unsettling. It’s a feeling that causes even more worry in my mind sometimes, like: What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way again? Why aren’t all my daily practices helping? Oh, but then my "inner wise self," as SARK describes her, chimes in and reminds me that my daily efforts ARE creating positive change within me and that even though I feel fearful sometimes, that doesn’t change my essence, my true spirit, my God-given talents and strengths. 

The fear doesn’t diminish the love that’s within me. It only clouds my view of it from time to time, and in order to thrive and flourish, I must accept these feelings and embrace “those scared parts inside of myself” (quoted from the incredibly amazing SARK again). Loving oneself truly and unconditionally involves so many wonderful things—

prioritizing self-care, resting, having fun, getting enough sleep, eating healthy food, exercising, drinking water, prioritizing creative expression, making time with supportive friends, laughing, forgiving, praying/affirming/meditating, reflecting, goal setting, dreaming

—whatever works best for you, and I truly believe showing ourselves love is the key to lowering stress levels, accepting what comes to us, and growing into our true potential.

All the happiness exercises and books in the world won’t amount to much long-standing positive change if we don’t first incorporate into our lives and really truly believe in our own worth and allow ourselves to feel that deep love within us in order to stand up for ourselves, make healthy choices for ourselves, and show ourselves love. Only then will we be able to truly feel happiness. This is what I have come to believe.

Self-Esteem is a Delicate Muscle That Must Be Trained Constantly

I think having a positive self-image might just be one of the most powerful tools we can invest in to ensure true contentment and kindness in this world.  I recognize the importance of building self-esteem, especially as a chubby, four-eyed child who could be a bit clumsy and wasn't involved in any team sports, but then I found dance. And dance literally changed my life. The summer before I started high school, I became a part of a team of strong young women, in the not-always-well-known dance sport of colorguard, through a jazz dance class first and then through four years of choreography, stretching, pilates--before it was popular, and performing together all year round, and these women helped lift me up throughout high school and many of them still do, either virtually or on the occasional visit with dear, old friends. I was given the opportunity to cultivate my creativity and express myself through movement and that helped me feel better about myself in so many ways. I found my flow.

Although I haven't performed in a colorguard since my freshman year in college, dance has continually touched my life and the experience of expressing my creativity through movement has helped me overcome many obstacles. When I begin to feel lost, I can almost always pinpoint the feeling beginning when I stopped dancing.

So you can imagine how difficult it was then two years ago when my regular zumba classes at the gym began to make me nauseous and cause pain to rattle down the left side of my body. It was horrifying. Maybe almost worse than having to actually live with the chronic pain, because dancing is my life force.  I considered chair dancing and looked into Nia and other dance forms I could possibly try while suffering from this pain, but it can be very difficult to get motivated when your mind is running wildly with all the possible explanations for what's going on inside your body and how you can fix it. I lost my rhythm and my self-esteem has suffered greatly as a result.

But like mangos, I CRAVE dance, and my body and mind and spirit constantly cried out for movement throughout my recovery, which doesn't just include the "recovery" of 6 weeks that the doctors talk about--it includes the last year and a half while I've been slowly regaining my strength and spirit after going to hell and back.

Last week I finally couldn't take it any longer and although I don't have a gym membership and have a hard time getting motivated to leave the house after I get home in the evenings, I decided to just go for it and start dancing in our living room with our cable company's available fitness videos. And now only after a week, I'm already looking forward to coming home in the evenings to put on my pretty pink coin scarf and shake my body to belly dancing for 15 to 20 minutes in the living room. It doesn't sound like a lot of time, but it's just what I needed to help me feel more alive and more in touch with my creative spirit. All the writing and picture-taking and art that I create help fill me with positivity, but they truly can't compete with the sheer joy that dancing brings me and has always brought me.

So I've really begun to realize that our self-esteem is a very fragile, delicate muscle that must be trained and massaged and worked or expressed constantly in order to thrive, just like our other muscles. I feel lucky to have found an activity that helps me work this all-important muscle.

Recognizing My Wings

I went through an amazing transformation about 3 years ago, when my whole life--everything as I knew it--was flipped upside down by a surprise end to a 10-year relationship.  I look back on my healing process in awe now and how I literally came out of my shell and found my wings.  I followed a lot of great advice, followed my heart, gave my creativity time to thrive through regularly dancing and dancing in many different forms—zumba, belly dancing, pole dancing, burlesque dancing, salsa dancing, you name it!—spent a great deal of quality bonding time with friends for support, fun and inspiration, and grew spiritually, because I remained open to all the changes happening and I remained hopeful that one of my life’s most precious goals of becoming a mother and having a family would still happen, despite turning 32 when all this happened.  If I let the gremlins take over, as Brene Brown calls them, I would think that there wasn’t possibly enough time to meet someone new, grow as a couple, get married, and start a family before I got "too old."  But deep down, I KNEW in my heart and soul that it WAS possible and that I would be a mother and create a family.  And lo and behold, as my wings grew bigger and even more brilliant and beautiful, and my self-esteem thrived amidst my creativity and budding friendships, I met my future husband and father of my children. I believed it, and it happened.  We were married just 2 years after first meeting and have now been married 10 months.  We are hoping to start a family later this year.  My vision is becoming reality!

While dating and growing as a couple, we went through some very serious health trials—4 surgeries, one of which being major, abdominal surgery to fix a vein that had been compressed near my left kidney, and causing daily achiness and pain whenever I danced or walked—two of my most favorite pastimes and stress relievers. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, nursed me back to health, coming to my mom’s house where I was recovering to change my surgical wound’s dressings, because it got infected and was tracking, so A LOT of pain and suffering occurred after that surgery, but A LOT of unconditional love occurred too, both from my husband and my dear mother, who fed me and took care of me for a month after the surgery and then took turns with my husband changing my wound's dressings for several more months.  I knew without a doubt while going through that health crisis that I had found my soulmate and my future husband.  After my wound healed, we got engaged a few months later and were married 6 weeks after our engagement!  It was a truly magical time, filled with family and close friends, creativity and planning, and coming together to create the most love-filled wedding day.

Since then, we have been adjusting to living together, since we didn’t move in together until after our wedding, and learning about each other at a deeper level.  On a personal level, I have still not fully recovered emotionally from all the health crises I went through two years ago.  All of last year, physically, was dedicated about regaining my strength and energy, but I struggled constantly to keep up with my old ways of dancing regularly and walking all the time.  I can dance and walk now.  But I don’t do it as regularly as I used to or as much as I’d like to.  I think I have a lot is fear of feeling pain again, since my favorite activities triggered the pain and achiness and nausea when I was going through my health crises.  And I’m afraid I’ve fallen out of the habit of exercising daily.  I still crave it, but now I feel frustrated and almost desperate to find a way to be active daily again.  I try to go for walks at lunchtime and I do mini-yoga sessions in my living room from time to time, but nothing as regular and as invigorating as my zumba and other dance classes from 3 years ago.  I know A LOT of my healing process and healing secrets from that time were through my dancing.  I gained a sense of confidence that I hadn’t had in a long time and I also opened up through the process of dancing. After nearly every zumba session, I would feel inspired to write and write about some epiphany or important reflection that came to me during the dancing.  I miss that.  I feel almost disappointed with myself for not having kept up with it.  But my inner voice chimes in and reminds me that I physically COULDN’T for quite awhile, due to the pain triggers and then surgery recovery, which was much longer than anyone had anticipated because of the surgical infection and prolonged wound recovery.  Four months of open wound care can take it out of you.  It felt at times as if it sucked the energy and life force out of me.

I think what has happened is that my beautiful, brilliant wings became transparent during my health crisis and recovery, and although I can’t see them as easily now, I must learn to recognize them again. Recognize my incredible journey.  Recognize how far I’ve come and all I’ve been through and learned to get here.  Be kind to myself. Love myself.  Love my transparent wings.  Love my indented scar. Love my rolly belly.  Love my moods and how they can swing from one day or moment to the next.  Love my joy.  Love my enthusiasm and excitement and ZEST for life when it comes to me, sometimes all of the sudden, like a big bolt of positive, fun energy! Even love my fearful nature.  Even love my anxiousness about the unknown.  Love and accept ALL the parts of me, not just the beautiful, which are easier to love, but the painful and difficult parts as well, where the love is needed the most.

I went to a wonderful talk at the Seattle Life Coach Training school last Friday and the inspiring speaker, Sherra Grasser quoted the school's founder, Richard Seaman in his upcoming book, with a profound statement: "Apply LOVE {here}."

Apply LOVE {here}. {There}.  {Everywhere}.

Start small.  And follow my own advice.  I desperately want to get back into being active again and dancing. But I also know that it’s not practical or realistic to think I can just jump back into my 2-3 times a week at the gym for zumba schedule again.  I need to start small. Something though.  Tonight before cooking or going through boxes or writing this blog or even relaxing and vegging on the couch, I needed and most importantly WANTED to try a dance workout on TV in my living room, and I DID IT! 20 minutes of belly dancing felt so energizing and empowering! And I've hung my belly dancing coin scarf, that I wore around my waist for extra motivation, by the thermostat so it is clearly visible and will remind me to try a little belly dancing every night after work.

Start small.

Apply love everywhere.

Recognize the richness of my journey.

Love my transparent wings.

Lessons of Gratitude

At the beginning of 2014, I decided to write a page in a journal each night before going to sleep to remember what I was grateful for during that day.  I remember when Oprah talked about gratitude journals years ago and how much I liked the idea, but I never actually created a habit of it until I set it as an intention for this year.  As tired as I am some nights, I still write in my journal and it has really helped me sleep sounder, wake up with a more positive mindset, recover from stressful situations more quickly, and I've only been writing in this journal for a little over a month.  I intend to continue this practice of recognizing gratitude in my life indefinitely.  I have realized that when it is most difficult to sit down and write in my journal and think about what I'm grateful for, that is when I need to write in it most, and when I need to remember my gratitude the most.  If we can only write that we are grateful for breathing and being able to wake up in the morning, that's a wonderful place to start, and a very grounding place to start as well.

I think I didn't really see the effects of this practice until 2 or 3 weeks had passed, so it's very important to keep going with your intention of gratitude, because no habits formed are formed over night and even though I felt good every time I remembered to write in my journal, I didn't notice the overall effects on my wellness until it had become a regular practice for me and I could tell I wasn't upset as long as I used to be when something difficult would happen to me.  Also in the past, when I've missed a day of a practice or habit I wanted to form and maintain, I sometimes felt the perfectionism creep in and say, why bother.  But I am here to say that the benefits are still positive when you pick up where you left off and start again.  Last night, after being sick all day from a stomach infection, I was not up to writing anything anywhere, and so I didn't--the first time since the new year began that I missed a night of gratitude, but when I woke up this morning, still feeling queasy but able to hold down food at least, I decided to pick up where I left off and write about my gratitude from yesterday after I woke up today.  I did the same with my daily abundance practice that I've created for the month of February.  I couldn't post about abundance last night because I was too sick, so I wrote my post for yesterday about an hour ago.  Better late than never!  I refuse to let perfectionism stop me from achieving my goals and intentions.

What are you grateful for?  Have you created a regular practice of gratitude before?  Please share your thoughts on this blog's Facebook page.

Soften to Pain

This past week I was reminded to soften when faced with pain and discomfort. I did not feel my best, I have to admit, but my symptoms are much, much better now than two years ago when the Nutcracker Syndrome first roared its painful head. In moments of experiencing pain last week, I remembered an important tip I heard in yoga to soften my face. This is a phrase I have heard when holding the downward dog pose, because it can be very easy to hold your breath or clench your teeth in this position. Normally I squeeze my face into a big grimace when I feel pain too, as many of us probably do, and I unintentionally tighten most of the other muscles in my body as well.

But when I remembered this tip and tried focusing on softening my face this past weekend, I found it very difficult to keep the grimace and I began to relax more in the moment. Relaxing in the moment and embracing the pain provided me with some relief, for which I am very grateful. Once I could relax a little, I could think more calmly and clearly and be more proactive or distract myself from the fiery sensations I was experiencing.

I have read about embracing one's pain from Pema Chodron and in other Buddhist writing, but I didn't quite know how to actually go about doing this until now. The idea of literally softening all the muscles in our face and forehead when in pain is fairly easy to try and practice, is something we have some control of and is a very practical remedy to the stress that pain can cause us. 

I have found in the past two years that my pain has been greatest when I am most stressed out, so I find the idea of softening and relaxing quite refreshing, compared to my automatic response of tightening, resisting what's happening to me and stressing about what is going on in my body to cause all this pain. That way of thinking doesn't help relieve the pain; it only exacerbates it. It feels almost counterintuitive at first, but it is so valuable to remind yourself of this in a painful moment. I think this practice could be applied to emotionally painful moments as well, although I haven't tried it in that way specifically yet. Please keep me posted if it works for you!

All it took for me was one little phrase and listening to my inner wisdom in that moment to bring me a glimmer of relief in a painful situation. I hope this post brings at least one person the same relief I experienced.

Little Things Matter

I decided to combine my photography of today's amazing sunset with my love of affirmations and so I created a blollage (I made that word up to combine blog and collage!) for my blog post this week.  I also had fun making this blollage so my Fun-A-Day challenge #21 has been fulfilled as well.

I have really found in the past 3 weeks that doing little things everyday makes a BIG difference.  I have realized this in just adding simple things like meditating/praying every morning, creating something for Fun-A-Day everyday, usually in the evening, and writing in my gratitude journal every night before bed.

I start the day out with strength, am able to express myself creatively through Fun-A-Day, and end the day remembering what I'm grateful for.  It's the best way to get through any day--whether it be an easy one or a challenging one.  And after 21 days, I find myself craving these activities so I can say now that more than just a habit has been formed, a new way of living and thriving has been created.  Getting through your day struggling to come up for air is merely surviving, but paying tribute, creating and feeling gratitude are all things on the beautiful, golden or rainbow-colored road of thrival.  I most definitely prefer to thrive than just survive.

I feel so much more alive in my heart and soul when I'm creating and feeling grateful, rather than just going through the day "getting by."  Getting by doesn't fulfill me.  I know this now.  And if I let myself go too long just getting by, my mind and body start to rebel.  So it's just like flossing or eating your vegetables everyday, meditating and creating and feeling grateful are necessary steps to take for my overall health. Like doctor's orders, but in this case, I made the rules; I'm the doctor; I'm the master of my own future and so I'm choosing to take part in joyous activities whenever it's possible.  Some days it's only been a few minutes posting a quick photo I took to achieve my Fun-A-Day but other days I have enough time to go on a nature walk and really look at all that I've created and choose which one I would like to share with you.

So no matter how little time we have to work on the things that bring us joy, the most important thing is to keep doing them, every day, so that we crave them and they become as common to us as driving to work or eating lunch or brushing our teeth.  That is my hope.  To make joy a regular part of my day, every day.

EnJOY Life: How to Make Sure My Life is JoyFULL

This morning I wrote ENJOY LIFE on the inside of my palm to remind myself throughout the day to choose joy, over fear or stress or nerves or anxious thoughts.  I think this new year's focus for me is JOY, creating a space for it, choosing it and maintaining it, no matter what.  The Fun-A-Day challenge has definitely helped open the waves of creative energy and expression for me and I am in the process of creating an excellent daily outlet for my creativity now.  But something is still getting in the way sometimes of my joy.  What is it?  So I dived in and explored my inner self to see what I could find out and how I could bring more joy into all aspects of my life.

I discovered darkness in the form of fear that has been gurgling around and partially clouding my joy at times.  In order to move through these difficult feelings, I need to own them and communicate more openly about them.  Instead of braving these grizzly bears all alone, why not share what I’m feeling anxious about with trusted loved ones, like my husband, my mom and my best amigas.  For example, I've been feeling anxious lately about my car and having to take it into the dealership to find out how much more life it has left.  I am very proud of this car, I purchased it all on my own and it was quite a struggle to find, so I want to be able to enjoy it for as long as possible, and enjoy not making car payments for as long as possible.  As a result, I haven't called the dealership yet to make an appointment.  I don’t want to receive bad news.  I’m scared of what they might say.  So instead of continuing to beat myself up about not calling yet, I talked with my husband, who already knows how I feel about this car, and we are going to go together this weekend. An easy solution once I decided to take action and communicate what I was afraid of.

I’ve also been procrastinating about calling and making some routine yet necessary doctor's appointments.  Why?  After reflecting on this a little, I realized that it is probably because of all the trauma from my surgeries in 2012.  I’m still scared of what they might say or of being misunderstood.  The after effects of a traumatic health crisis like that last much longer than the actual physical wounds.  I think this is what has been holding me back from making a few simple phone calls.  Now that I am aware of this, what has been holding me back, I hope I will be able to move forward and make these appointments finally.

What about my resistance to going through the boxes in our bedroom?  I know in part, it’s because I don’t know where I’ll put the things that I want to keep from the boxes. But that shouldn’t be stopping me from going through and throwing out, recycling, and/or donating the rest!  I can easily put what I want to keep back in the box and condense it all into one box even. Now there’s a solution!

Any other parts of my life that I feel resistance?  Well, I know the gym membership is way more complicated than just not wanting to fork over the money to buy a 2-year membership from Costco. Instead, it has everything to do with my last gym experience a year ago when I tried 20 minutes of zumba and was in pain in bed for the whole rest of the day. I LOVE zumba. It hurt my ego and pride and soul to not be able to do it. But now a WHOLE year has passed and I am stronger and ready to give it a try again. I can do it. I can dance now! The jumping may hurt, at first, but I can just bend my knees until I get the rhythm of it back again and until I feel more comfortable and don’t feel pain as a result. I can adapt my dancing to avoid the painful aftermath. It shouldn’t stop me from dancing all together. It’s been a full year and almost a month since my wound healed completely. I can do this!

So as we approach the midway point of the first month of this new year, it’s a good time to examine what has been holding us back from doing the things we hope to do.  Why aren’t we doing them already?  What’s stopping us?  Sometimes it’s as simple--and as complex--as fear.  But once we can own that fear and name it and share it with someone, we can then move through it and experience what’s on the other side, which is JOY.

I’m left with a song that has been repeating in my head all day from the Seattle Unity Church.

Joy, joy, joy

I’ve still got joy

Joy, joy, joy

I’ve still got joy

Joy, joy, joy

I’ve still got joy

After all I’ve been through

I’ve still got JOY!

A Daily Dose of Creativity

"I am so creative. I am actively creative on a daily basis in thought, word and action. It is easy for me to create and share my creations with the world." ~SARK

I just read this on one of my favorite, ultra-inspiring author's weekly newsletters and it is precisely about what I'd like to write about this week: creativity.

SARK, also known as Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy goes on to ask how much the above statement is true for each of us. I am happy to report that after 7 consecutive days of daily acts of creativity by participating in the Fun-A-Day challenge, I agree wholeheartedly with the quote above! And this makes me happy, fills me with creative flow and light, inspires me to be a more positive person, and makes my soul purr. 

If anyone reading this is looking for a way to feel more connected and begin a habit of creativity, Fun-A-Day is the way! By creating something each day, no matter how grand or small, in the month of January (or any month or 31-day period would work) and keeping track of your creations to display in a community art show (and/or online if you'd prefer) at the end of the month, we can become hooked on creative expression and form a positive habit of making time for ourselves each day to express ourselves creatively in any way we'd like. It gives you a sense of control because you are in charge of your own projects and a great sense of accomplishment when you see all you've created--for me even after only a week! 

I also decided to post my daily creativity on this blog, as a way to share and inspire and as a way to hold myself accountable because I know some friends may be waiting to see what I'll create next, so I don't want to let them or myself down. It's such a positive and fun way to practice habit forming and keeping. Before or while taking on a big, new habit, like many of us do at the beginning of each new year, wouldn't being creative each day and sharing what you've created with others be a fun way to prep your mind and discipline muscles in order to stick to what you've set out to accomplish and complete in one month's time?

If you decide to take part in your own Fun-A-Day challenge, I'd love to hear and see what you come up with. :) Sharing within your community, whether it be a virtual one or your actual neighborhood or workplace, is another excellent way to help you stick to your goals, inspire others in the process, and get much-needed support from others as well.

Here is a collage of my first 7 days of Daily Creativity, a potpourri of different ways to express myself, but there are no rules to creativity so the sky's the limit! Most important, have fun and relish in the feeling that expressing your creativity brings.  By the way, today's Fun-A-Day for me IS this blog post. ;-) 

Letting Go to Make Room for New

Fin de Año 2013

Wow! Well, the end of the year is upon us and we have so much to celebrate and be thankful for and also much to let go of and leave in the past. I'm excited about all the possibilities to come in 2014!

I participated for the 4th time in the Burning Bowl Ceremony at Seattle Unity on Sunday. This ceremony gives us an opportunity to literally see the things we want to release from the previous year burn up in flames. It has been a very powerful and cleansing process for me and I am very grateful to my friend, Julie for taking me to my first Burning Bowl in 2010. 

This process also reminds me of the Ecuadorian New Year's tradition of burning paper mâché lifesize dolls called "añoviejos" or "old years" that represent all that you'd like to let go of from last year at midnight. 

This year after I burned my "añoviejo" at Unity, I was given a card with a word and affirmation for the new year. My word was "zeal," which goes very nicely with my next creative project for the month of January. My card said that "I am energized by the power of God's or the Divine presence in my life this day. My enthusiasm comes from the deep well of God Love or Divine Love that is the source of all life. My joy is contagious and I shine my light in the world." I just love this as a point of focus to start this new year off on a positive and light foot! 

Thanks to the awesome and inspiring project of my creative friend, Angie, I'm going to participate in Fun-A-Day this January. Each day in January I will either:

*Make a pair of earrings

*Take nature photos

*Dance, or

*Write.

And I will record my creative endeavors here on this blog. So really for me, it will be a blog-a-day for the month of January. I think positive habit-forming motivation like this will really help with this SAD weather! And I think it will also be a great start for my very own Happiness Project! My mom gave me The Happiness Project for Christmas and since then I've been feeling inspired to start my own project to focus on increasing happiness in our lives.

My hope is also to start a habit of being creative everyday and choosing happy, joyful activities over vegging out and feeling SAD from the dreary winter. I'm looking forward to it! Maybe you'd like to join me?

Wishing us all the freedom of New Year's and a 2014 filled with joy, courage and inner peace!

Vulnerability As Strength

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." 
~Brene Brown

I’m just going to put this out there: opening up in my writing and publishing these pieces on my blog is pretty scary at times.  Being vulnerable to possible criticism, misunderstanding, anger, pain is a real challenge.  But I have realized through past posts that the times I am most vulnerable and open in my writing are the posts my readers most enjoy.  It is compelling to read someone’s honesty, to see inside someone’s heart.  It can be rare to be given that opportunity.  There has been a lot of buzz about the word and concept of vulnerability lately, thanks to Brene Brown’s amazing work.  (I am super excited and grateful that my dear mom gifted me two of Brene Brown’s books yesterday!  If you haven’t heard of Brene Brown’s work, please check out her website here.)  

I feel a lot of resistance to being vulnerable sometimes, especially because of past hurts.  I’m trying really hard to let these painful memories go so I can free up space for new light and joy in my life.  Holding on to them weighs me down and makes me feel heavy and closed off to the world.  I want to feel open and passionate.  Having your guard up is a natural protection mechanism but it doesn’t bring any joy into your life.  It only stops everything from coming in.  I have been very adamant about remaining open despite getting hurt, but it is easier said than done sometimes, especially when you receive multiple blows and forget to stay centered, or in my case, your center is literally cut open.  This has affected me immensely.  More than I can describe in words.  

I have to reframe how I view what happened to me last year in a more positive light though, because thinking my spirit has been kind of broken from all the pain and suffering endured does not help me move forward and shed all the layers of painful memories from my back.  Only when I focus on all the strength and wisdom and awareness I have gained from the experience can I then begin to put one foot forward and then the other, slowly but at least in a forward direction again.  I must stop turning around to look over my shoulder at all that has happened.  And instead look at where I am right now, in this instant.  If I look too far forward into the future, fear can paralyze also, so my challenge is to stay in the moment.  Enjoy the present.  Be grateful for where I am right now.  Find peace in my heart that everything is going as planned.  Have faith that I am strong enough to handle anything with grace and love.  

I so want to embody this quote by Rumi:

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."  

My physical wound from last year has been healed for one year now.  The emotional trauma however is taking longer to get past, but as Rumi said, it is where the light comes in.  If you let the opening in your armor just be and sit with it, trusting everything will be okay and not fighting the fact that it exists, incredible things can occur in your life.  A light far greater than you could ever imagine can fill your heart and soul and transform the way you think and perceive life.  

I recently listened to a talk at Center for Spiritual Living online and Kathianne Lewis said that angels manifest in our lives whenever we have high thoughts or thoughts of greater awareness--epiphanies as I like to call them.  So even when we feel that we are not moving forward as much as we would like to, perhaps physically if we have had health challenges or with our life goals, if we are having these high thoughts and understanding humanity or ourselves a little better, we are being supported by these angels in our lives who help us understand what is happening and recognize the grace in each situation.  And through this divine assistance, we are growing and changing and moving forward as spiritual beings.

I will leave you with one more quote on vulnerability:

You don’t always have to be strong.

You don’t always have to fight off those tears.

Sometimes it’s good to let them flow and let it go.

All your holding back can just keep building it all up.

It’s alright not to have it all figured out yet.

Give it time to unfold.

~Karen Salmansohn