Releasing the "Gunk" We Sometimes Carry Around With Us

I haven’t been writing as much as I’d like to lately. Of course as a new mom with a mobile 10.5 month old, it’s easy to imagine why, but writing centers me, it gives me space to reflect and share my experiences, to record what I’m feeling, and to release what no longer serves me. Without that, where am I to let go of the gunk that comes up occasionally in all our lives? 

Letting the gunk hang out too long is really not an option because stuck gunk is a recipe for disaster for a highly sensitive, emotional person like myself. It’s not good for any of us really. Letting go of it is of course easier said than done. And what do I mean by “gunk?” I refer to “gunk” as the doubts, overwhelm, pain, and fear that we carry around if we don’t have a regular way of releasing it. And let me tell you, carrying this gunk is a heavy business. 

I know I haven’t spent enough time releasing it when I feel heaviness in my heart center or chest area, when it’s hard to breathe really deeply. I also know I’m carrying too much of the “gunk” when I feel unorganized and almost flighty, like I’m floating around without any direction. I like having some kind of direction, even if I’m not the most organized person in the world. I like feeling grounded in my breath and trusting that everything we experience helps us grow and learn. I like feeling lighter once I’ve let go of the doubts, overwhelm, pain, and fears that have been collected along the path of too-busy-ness. 

This is where regular self-care routines come into play. Over the past few years before becoming a mom, I did my best to keep a daily practice to enhance my well-being and self-care. Becoming a mama has definitely created a new element to it but this work is so vital at any point in our journey.

I’ve started sharing simple self-care ideas on my Instagram feed, if you’d like to follow along. 

What self-care routines do you practice or hope to begin?

3 Ways to Transform Mommy Guilt

Disclaimer: Even if you're not a parent, these tips can be helpful in transforming any nagging, pesky feelings like anxiety, other kinds of guilt, or plain old stress. 

8 and a half months into this amazing and wild journey of motherhood and I'm beginning to see how detrimental a thing called “mommy guilt” can be. If you're a mom or know someone who is a mom really well, then you probably know what I'm talking about. All those parenting books, “helpful” tips and pediatric association recommendations have wonderful intentions, but for those of us trying to do our absolute best with little sleep (or in my case, interrupted night sleep every few hours to dream feed) and high expectations and hopes for our incredible little humans we're raising, the pressure to get everything “right” can feel unbearable at times and downright paralyzing.

When I was pregnant, I got a few books to begin “preparing” for motherhood but all the facts and information overwhelmed me and I knew that wasn't the way I was going to figure things out. Trusting in my natural ability to mother was my intention and challenge. My husband and I thankfully took an empowering childbirth ed class called Birthing From Within, which focused more on our emotional preparation than on facts and information overload. That was the style that resonated most with me. I didn't feel as much pressure to do things perfectly and it was really good preparation for the days, weeks and months that would follow with our baby girl.

But the darker days of winter arrived a few months after my baby girl was born, lack of uninterrupted sleep compiled and post-inaugural angst mixed with postpartum hormones and I slowly found myself easily overwhelmed, highly anxious, and at times feeling underprepared and inadequate at being a mother. It's a truly awful feeling to not know what to do next when you know time is flying by faster than ever and you don't want to miss a precious second with your growing and changing little one.

I think I went through a clingy phase just like my daughter experiences now. I grew her inside me and she was attached to me nursing for practically three months straight so I can see how hard it is for our babies to accept the fact we are separate beings because I had a hard time getting used to it too.

And then you begin to get used to being separated for a little bit longer, perhaps to get some self-care time in while your partner gets bonding time with the baby or if you decide to go back to work. But that realization can feel a bit depressing because you miss being so connected to another human being, to who you grew inside you. And wanting time for yourself can trigger the pesky “mommy guilt” alarm in your head...”What if my baby purple cries while I'm away?” And maybe even harder yet, “What if she doesn't miss me? What if she does just fine?”

And then my milk comes in and my baby instinctively knows it and that intuitive, almost spiritual connection is felt again.

So how to transform Mommy guilt, that is the question. I like to enlist 3 of my favorite remedies that work for a lot of what ails me.

Apply these everyday if you can (or at least at first as often as you remember):

• A dose of MINDFULNESS--staying in the present moment and relishing in what you’re doing right now, in this instance (rather than dwelling in what you should have done or could have done if you’d known more, been smarter, read more, had more money, etc. etc. etc.) helps ground you and with grounding, you regain your footing and don’t feel as wobbly. Feeling secure in what’s happening in this moment is so important in building back our intuition and confidence.
• Daily GRATITUDE--remembering regularly how truly grateful you are for this precious human being you’ve brought into the world--it’s a kind of gratitude that is almost beyond words, I’ve found, but it’s necessary to reflect on it each day and dwell in thankfulness each day. And if it’s a really hard day, focusing on the air you’re breathing, on the roof over your head, and the bed you sleep in also help us soak up feelings of gratefulness. Those feelings are what fill our hearts back up when we are tired and/or feeling depleted emotionally from “mommy guilt.”
• More CREATIVITY--unleashing your creative side by doing something you love to do helps bring you into the present by focusing on that one thing, helps build back your confidence in yourself because you’re doing something you enjoy and grows your intuitive nature in the process as you create something new and reconnect with your joy. Trust me, I know there’s not a lot of time between naps and early (or late) bedtimes, but finding a little bit of time to create something at least each week will help. And it can be as simple or complicated as trying a new recipe, ripping up paper and making a quick mosaic or mini collage/vision board, coloring (inside or outside the lines!), singing, taking pictures, knitting, dancing, writing, whatever it is that you enjoyed creating before you created a beautiful little human.

When we feel more grounded and our intuition and confidence are back up, we can better tackle nasty things like “mommy guilt.” We’ll recognize the nagging feelings more quickly and apply any and all of these remedies to them before they get the better of us.

If you need support, I became a certified transformational life coach to be able to help inspire people on their journeys to greater wellness, creativity and joy for life. I’m happy to help. Send me a note on my sister site here, even if just to say hola!

If you're sleep deprived and just barely getting through this blog post, know at least this: you are IMPORTANT and it is necessary for us to praise all the AMAZING things we do and treat ourselves with the same KINDNESS we offer to our sweet babies or other people's sweet babies.

With love and gratitude,

Maret

Creativity: One of the Best Elixir's to Life's Stressors

“...the only way to stay creative is to keep moving forward.” ~Dr. Travis Bradberry

 

Whether you think of yourself as a creative person or not, creativity is what fuels any kind of change in our life. This year my creativity has taken on a completely different form--motherhood. It’s active, it’s in-your-face, it’s singing many times everyday, it’s dancing to entertain my baby, it’s creatively getting things done while keeping my baby happy. Over the past 7+ years though, I developed a creative self-care plan for myself which involved collaging, reflection writing on a regular basis, dance, nature photography, teaching workshops--pretty much anything creative is considered self-care for me. 

Since becoming a mom though, I’ve rethought self-care (read my blog from January for instance) but I find myself missing the regular writing that I used to do. I also miss teaching. I taught 2 workshops at the end of this past December and beginning of January and had another scheduled in February but had to cancel it due to snowy weather and low enrollment. Since then, I decided to focus on building up my life coaching business online. This involves some writing, like my daily posts with a different weekly wellness theme. But I crave typing away when I get an inspiration and also recording my favorite memories. 

I have been writing down all of our baby’s first things on a notepad on my smartphone, but there’s something about hearing the clicking away of the keys on the keyboard when I type at a computer that I miss. I started using my 15 minute breaks at work to write about 6 years ago and have a lot of content saved from over the years now. I’ve always wanted to convert what I wrote into a memoir or novel someday. 

Now as my biggest dream has come to fruition to be a momma, I want to be recording all my feelings & emotions but I’m not. Of course being a mom is a constant juggling act and there sometimes isn’t time to even use the restroom, let alone write about my feelings and lessons, but I want to take more time to write. I came across an interesting quote about writer’s block that may also explain my lack of writing these past months:

“Writer’s block is having too much time on your hands.” ~Jodi Picoult

When I’m in the flow creatively, I’m constantly writing. So despite living my dream of being a mom, I feel like I’m missing an important piece without writing about it. And goodness knows, I need my creative well fully filled as a mom. It’s part of my self-care regime, it helps me find creative solutions to everyday tasks as a juggling momma, and expressing my creativity fills me up emotionally too. I think it’s right up there with mindfulness as one of the all-time best elixir’s for life’s stressors. 

Do you have a favorite elixir you use when feeling stressed or juggling many things?

If you’d like support in living a more creative life or in reaching your wellness goals, I’m here for you. You can learn more about my life coaching and creative wellness services here.

Mindful for the Memories

I think I’ve always been the nostalgic kind of person who was totally excited to be the historian of the honor society club in high school, the unofficial family photographer of close friends, the keepsake-scrapbook-trip journaler type. I love making memories. And now it’s even easier to “think back” and “remember when” with technology and social media reminding us everyday of what we were up to–or at least what we posted about–a year or two or eight years ago. (Yes, social media, as we know it, has been around for more than a decade now! Hard to believe and remember our lives without it sometimes, huh?)

And as I’m completing more than half a year as a mother--my baby girl will be 7 months old tomorrow already–I’m struck with an even greater nostalgia. She does something new and adorable and endearing and funny and memorable everyday. EVERYDAY. How am I to record all of these wonderful memories?! It’s almost overwhelming, of course in a good way, to keep track of each beautiful moment, kind of like grabbing at sand made of diamonds as the tide of time takes each brilliant moment and archives it in the past. 

 

I had a somewhat similar feeling when my husband and I got married almost 4 years ago(our anniversary is next week!) and we planned everything in under 6 weeks. There was a lot of adrenaline and many, many details to prepare but I wanted to remember every beautiful moment back then too. And at that point in my life, time moved slower. Now as a new momma, time flies by at the most incredible speed. I sometimes think “slow down” but then I also LOVE seeing how much my baby girl has grown and learned in such a quick period of time. And I’m excited and thrilled to get to watch her continue to grow and learn more and more. I know this excitement will continue for the rest of my life. 

So what’s a momma (or daddy or auntie or uncle) to do? 

 
 

SAVOR EVERY PRECIOUS MOMENT WITH MINDFULNESS.

Stop, pause, take a few deep belly breaths, and savor it all with mindfulness. Mindfulness is the ultimate elixir for nostalgia. It slows us down at least enough to really enjoy the present moment we’re living and with that reduction in the normally chaotic speed of the world, we get to sit back and savor the beautiful gifts we’ve been given in this life. Whether it be the privilege of watching children of our own or nieces and nephews grow, or our wonderful pets, or going on that incredible trip we’ve been longing to take, climbing that huge mountain finally, or meeting that awesome goal, an unbelievable dream reached, we will surely enjoy reliving all the memories if we stop and really notice how we’re feeling, what colors we’re seeing, what scents we’re breathing in, what sounds we’re hearing. Really taking in the moment helps us savor it so much more right then and there and later on when we want to look back and remember the incredible things we’ve done or witnessed.

I remember stopping to notice an adorable momma duck and her ducklings swimming by right before our wedding ceremony began. It may have seemed like a distraction to some but it was actually one of my ways of taking it all in and really noticing that beautiful moment. And I’m so glad I did.

So as I contemplate where the time has gonethese last 7 months since our daughter was born, I really want to remember to be mindful, mindful of my nostalgia even as I look back at my favorite moments and memories with my daughter so far, and mindful of the moments I’m living right now. There’s really no way to turn back the clock to relish a little longer in the little and big things that I love about becoming a mom but I can take the time to relish right now in this incredible moment of my baby turning 7 months old and stay present in as many moments as possible from here on out. It’s not always easy when you have poop on you or you’re sleep deprived, but I know for a fact that I won’t regret choosing mindfulness when it comes to living the rest of my life.

 

Would you like to live your life more mindfully? 

If you’d like support in living a more mindful life or in reaching your goals, I’m here for you. You can learn more about my life coaching and creative wellness services here.

The Importance of Mindfulness - Especially on a Rainy Day

 

 

How we turned a previously described “dreary” day into a more “cheery”--or at least more mindful day...

This morning when I got up, my energy was pretty low and when I looked at the window, there was the infamous Seattle area drizzle happening. It didn't feel very inspiring. But staying inside isn't always the answer. My baby girl and I had an errand to run which also corresponded nearly perfectly with her first nap so I showered and we got ready to go out. 

When on maternity leave, getting out of the house everyday is so important. Not just for me, the mommy, but for my baby too. We both tend to do better when we have plans away from home. So I ran the errand and Luna took a power nap of 30 minutes. 

On our way back home, I took a detour to explore a little and discovered a new walking trail. It was only drizzling out so I decided to park and take my baby on a quick walk. She was all bundled up, snug in her stroller, sheltered from the rain, and had just awoken from her nap happy and ready to explore with Mommy. 

 

We didn't discover anything terribly amazing on the new trail, mostly construction but we did enjoy the fresh air, nature sounds like bird singing, and early signs of spring on the trees. And I think we both felt refreshed. 

 

It's days and moments like these where I'm thankful for practicing mindfulness--stopping and observing the simple things in life. And showing them to my daughter, which makes everything even more meaningful now.

Do you practice mindfulness? What does it do for you?

 

If you’d like support, I’m here for you. You can learn more about my life coaching services at: http://owningyourgoodness.wordpress.com.

Baby Steps Back to Self-Care

 

Self-care and wellness are two of my favorite things to read about, practice, and share with others. So it's pretty ironic that when I became a mom, I forgot how to care for myself. I guess I figured that my extended maternity leave was enough since it felt like a gigantic step to taking care of my needs and desire to be home longer with my little one, after waiting 37 years to become a mom. 

But now, 4 and a half months in and baby’s first bad cold later, I'm realizing I really need to make a new momma self-care plan and stick to it! This isn't just essential to my health but to my family’s wellbeing too, because everything runs more smoothly when the momma bear is happy and peaceful. I know it's not realistic to be happy all the time and I want to honor all my feelings, but I do want to stay more grounded and feel more peaceful at least. 

Time flies in general but you really truly don't see it with your bare eyes as much as when you watch a baby grow and change! It's incredible all that she's learned and how much she's grown over the past four and a half months! If I think about it too long, I already feel nostalgic and want time to slow down, but I know the only way to “slow time down” is by being more mindful and savoring every moment that we have with this bright-eyed, amazing little human who has chosen us as her parents.

So how to get started? Well, regular, daily bite-sized pieces of self-care (or “baby steps” quite fittingly) are always my go-to way to begin a new habit and help it stick. And what I've found helpful as well is using social media and/or my blog to post my progress and help hold me accountable. So starting today--because why wait until tomorrow when you can do something about it today?!--I will carve out at least a few minutes of each day for myself. That means practicing more self-advocacy, delegating, communicating my needs, and taking better care of myself in return. 

For me, expressing my creativity and being in nature are my favorite things to do for myself. These have been my self-care favorites since before becoming a momma, so in a way, by practicing them a little bit everyday now, I will also be helping reestablish my unique identity apart from my greatest role ever of being my baby's momma. I know my daughter someday will want to learn what her momma likes to do, in addition to playing with and taking care of her children. I also know how important it is to model self-care for my daughter so she can begin good, healthy habits early in her life. So by taking better care of myself, I really am taking better care of my daughter. So here's to guilt free self-care!

What things do you do for yourself? Are you making time for those things right now? How can you sprinkle in a few minutes of one of these things you like to do for yourself everyday?

If you’d like support, I’m here for you. You can learn more about my life coaching services at: http://owningyourgoodness.wordpress.com.

The Courageous Act of Rest

 

Sometimes I put pressure on myself to get stuff done, to do magic tricks and juggle caring for my four-month-old while taking care of our home and starting my own business. But then there are days when my baby girl has a cold and so do I and both our energy is waning and all we can muster is snuggling on the couch, nursing and napping. And that is productive. It's just not how we’re taught to view productivity. Rest is so underrated but so so necessary for everything to run smoothly. I've come to believe that colds have a way of slowing us down so we’re forced to rest. But what if we incorporated rest in our everyday lives? Would we feel better? Have less colds? I think we just might.

But how can we get everything done that we need to get done while also making time for rest? I know for me, since becoming a mom, I've found time for rest when breastfeeding. But I find myself still trying to multitask and for example write a blog post or read articles while nursing. What if I took more time to take deep belly breaths instead? Or if I distanced myself from technology more and colored instead? Creativity is rest for me. Collaging relaxes me. It's challenging to do though while breastfeeding but visualizing is entirely possible. And using our minds to improve our wellness is also a creative and valuable task.

I read a quote earlier today about how we can make any task a meditation by focusing on that one thing mindfully. Or by NOT multitasking. Yes, unitasking may be the key to finding windows of rest in our day. I know, I know, it goes against all we've been taught, but what if we gave it a try for at least a few minutes during each of our days? How would our lives change? How would our health change? How would we feel? I dare you to give it a try. 

What part of your day can you dedicate to unitasking?


~~~~~


Want to read more about my business? Check out Owning Your Goodness.

The End of the 4th Trimester

 

Today our baby girl turns 3 months old and this concludes an era some call the “4th trimester.” The end of her newborn stage too. Sniff sniff. Time is moving so fast and our Luna is growing and learning so much! What a difference 3 months can make! It's probably been by far the most meaningful 3 months of my life. I'm so thankful to get to experience motherhood finally and get to know my beautiful daughter and watch her grow and change. 

What I've learned about myself in this “4th trimester” or 1st 3 months of my baby girl’s life is that I'm so much stronger than I ever imagined I was. I’m proud of myself for giving birth naturally with no pain medicine. I've woken up at night every few hours for the past 3 months to feed my baby and I miraculously still have energy at the end of each day now. I haven't read all of the recommended books on child development but my baby is doing amazingly well and learning new things each day. I follow my instincts better than I ever have. I come up with different ways to distract my baby when she gets fussy and it usually works. Of course I also have off days and feel up and down at times with different emotions and fears of not doing a good enough job as a mom. But when I look back at these past amazing 3 months, I'm comforted and reassured that I'm doing just fine. 

Motherhood is so much about finding self-kindness so that we can reflect that image back to our babies. They absorb everything and I have to remind myself to mindfully go about my day soaking up all the incredible baby love (and baby drool!) around me! What an awesome journey we’re so blessed to be on!

Sacred Morning Time

  

 

Mornings are so sacred, just as my mom said they'd be, with sweet Baby Luna. She is starting to sleep more in the night and only wakes up a few times to breastfeed so I feel a pattern may finally be emerging. Then this morning I signed up for a coaching call at 9am, thinking she'd be breastfeeding or napping, which is what we usually do in the mornings. And she was! She really has been very calm in the mornings lately, waking up very hungry but after nursing for a bit, sometimes off and on for an hour or so, she takes a delicious nap. It can be another hour or so and then she may have some adorable awake time before napping again, usually in the swing up to this point while Mommy finally prepares and hopefully eats breakfast. 

But because of the call this morning, I have become really aware with the rich silence that can happen each morning. I turned the TV off for a change--it’s had kind of a mindless numbing effect on me this past few months at home. I know my smartphone is also a time and energy sucker but at least I can do some worthwhile things on it, like writing my thoughts and memories down, blogging, staying in touch with friends and family, and reading different articles about parenting and wellness, for example. TV can also be beneficial at times, especially with history programs or funny movies, but I think it affects me when I watch too much because it's not in line with my beliefs of not having Baby Luna watch TV for the first few years. Same goes for the phone actually, which may be why my anxiety is up a bit overall. 

I know that was the case when I finally got organic shampoo for myself last year after hearing about how certain products can affect our overall health from so many chemicals. Something seemingly so simple, but as a result of the switch to organic, I felt so much better about what I was using on my body. Same goes for the food I put in my body too. I have fallen out of alignment with my most precious values and beliefs and this causes angst over time. Sure, it's survival at first because we’re running on little sleep and everything is so new, but 8 weeks in, I'm starting to realize how not staying true to what I believe in--in terms of healthy living for my baby and myself--really can take a toll on my overall wellbeing. 

Since discovering the beautiful silence of the morning, I'm going to start by taking quiet time to reflect and meditate while Luna sleeps, like I'm doing right now. (Writing is a form of meditation for me sometimes.) Through that reflection time, l hope to feel more energized and make choices throughout the day, when it’s possible, around my time and food that fill me up, rather than leaving me depleted.

Have you ever fallen out of alignment with your values? How do you get back in line? 

Angels All Around

I want to write a quick blog tonight to thank my devoted angels for protecting our baby girl and me yesterday. I was on my way to work like every morning, waiting at a stoplight when boom, I heard a loud noise and everything in my car lurched forward! Someone had just rear ended me. Because I was at a stoplight, thankfully it was at a low speed. But I immediately went into Mommy Mode and held my belly, praying our baby wasn't injured. I didn't feel any pain myself, only concern for my little miracle growing inside. After exchanging information with the guy who hit me, I called my husband and while on the phone felt the wonderful gentle kicks and pokes of our baby girl! Qué alivio! What a relief! She's moving! We still decided to call our midwife who recommended going to the ER to make sure the baby and her placenta were okay. 

We spent 3+ hours in the hospital and I signed the first paperwork as a parent, giving consent to monitor the baby's heartbeat and activity. The nurses were impressed that at only 24 weeks they could hear her heartbeat so clearly. She moved around a lot too which made me feel even more relieved. After monitoring for over an hour, they sent us home to rest. Only after getting home did I really start feeling sore but with a very grateful heart that our baby girl is healthy song wasn't affected by the accident. 

Our angels were truly watching over us and lessening the impact of the crash with their gentle wings. I know not everyone believes in angels but I have had them with me making sure I'm safe my whole life. I believe that my grandparents who I never had the opportunity to meet because they passed in a tragic car accident when my mom was only 16 are always with me. And in the past 5 years I have gained more angels. 4 close friends and my other grandma on my dad's side. I know in my heart that they are with me still, just in a different form. I consistently see hummingbirds, which are symbols from the after life, along with feathers and pennies appearing out of nowhere. I also notice when it's 11:11 and see these numbers frequently, which are said to be signs from the angels as well. 

So this post is dedicated to my angels and my baby's angels. We are forever grateful. Thank you for watching over us and softening the impact of the crash yesterday. And for all you do that we aren't even aware of yet. :)

I trust life because I know angels are real.

 

 

 

Recognizing My Wings

I went through an amazing transformation about 3 years ago, when my whole life--everything as I knew it--was flipped upside down by a surprise end to a 10-year relationship.  I look back on my healing process in awe now and how I literally came out of my shell and found my wings.  I followed a lot of great advice, followed my heart, gave my creativity time to thrive through regularly dancing and dancing in many different forms—zumba, belly dancing, pole dancing, burlesque dancing, salsa dancing, you name it!—spent a great deal of quality bonding time with friends for support, fun and inspiration, and grew spiritually, because I remained open to all the changes happening and I remained hopeful that one of my life’s most precious goals of becoming a mother and having a family would still happen, despite turning 32 when all this happened.  If I let the gremlins take over, as Brene Brown calls them, I would think that there wasn’t possibly enough time to meet someone new, grow as a couple, get married, and start a family before I got "too old."  But deep down, I KNEW in my heart and soul that it WAS possible and that I would be a mother and create a family.  And lo and behold, as my wings grew bigger and even more brilliant and beautiful, and my self-esteem thrived amidst my creativity and budding friendships, I met my future husband and father of my children. I believed it, and it happened.  We were married just 2 years after first meeting and have now been married 10 months.  We are hoping to start a family later this year.  My vision is becoming reality!

While dating and growing as a couple, we went through some very serious health trials—4 surgeries, one of which being major, abdominal surgery to fix a vein that had been compressed near my left kidney, and causing daily achiness and pain whenever I danced or walked—two of my most favorite pastimes and stress relievers. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, nursed me back to health, coming to my mom’s house where I was recovering to change my surgical wound’s dressings, because it got infected and was tracking, so A LOT of pain and suffering occurred after that surgery, but A LOT of unconditional love occurred too, both from my husband and my dear mother, who fed me and took care of me for a month after the surgery and then took turns with my husband changing my wound's dressings for several more months.  I knew without a doubt while going through that health crisis that I had found my soulmate and my future husband.  After my wound healed, we got engaged a few months later and were married 6 weeks after our engagement!  It was a truly magical time, filled with family and close friends, creativity and planning, and coming together to create the most love-filled wedding day.

Since then, we have been adjusting to living together, since we didn’t move in together until after our wedding, and learning about each other at a deeper level.  On a personal level, I have still not fully recovered emotionally from all the health crises I went through two years ago.  All of last year, physically, was dedicated about regaining my strength and energy, but I struggled constantly to keep up with my old ways of dancing regularly and walking all the time.  I can dance and walk now.  But I don’t do it as regularly as I used to or as much as I’d like to.  I think I have a lot is fear of feeling pain again, since my favorite activities triggered the pain and achiness and nausea when I was going through my health crises.  And I’m afraid I’ve fallen out of the habit of exercising daily.  I still crave it, but now I feel frustrated and almost desperate to find a way to be active daily again.  I try to go for walks at lunchtime and I do mini-yoga sessions in my living room from time to time, but nothing as regular and as invigorating as my zumba and other dance classes from 3 years ago.  I know A LOT of my healing process and healing secrets from that time were through my dancing.  I gained a sense of confidence that I hadn’t had in a long time and I also opened up through the process of dancing. After nearly every zumba session, I would feel inspired to write and write about some epiphany or important reflection that came to me during the dancing.  I miss that.  I feel almost disappointed with myself for not having kept up with it.  But my inner voice chimes in and reminds me that I physically COULDN’T for quite awhile, due to the pain triggers and then surgery recovery, which was much longer than anyone had anticipated because of the surgical infection and prolonged wound recovery.  Four months of open wound care can take it out of you.  It felt at times as if it sucked the energy and life force out of me.

I think what has happened is that my beautiful, brilliant wings became transparent during my health crisis and recovery, and although I can’t see them as easily now, I must learn to recognize them again. Recognize my incredible journey.  Recognize how far I’ve come and all I’ve been through and learned to get here.  Be kind to myself. Love myself.  Love my transparent wings.  Love my indented scar. Love my rolly belly.  Love my moods and how they can swing from one day or moment to the next.  Love my joy.  Love my enthusiasm and excitement and ZEST for life when it comes to me, sometimes all of the sudden, like a big bolt of positive, fun energy! Even love my fearful nature.  Even love my anxiousness about the unknown.  Love and accept ALL the parts of me, not just the beautiful, which are easier to love, but the painful and difficult parts as well, where the love is needed the most.

I went to a wonderful talk at the Seattle Life Coach Training school last Friday and the inspiring speaker, Sherra Grasser quoted the school's founder, Richard Seaman in his upcoming book, with a profound statement: "Apply LOVE {here}."

Apply LOVE {here}. {There}.  {Everywhere}.

Start small.  And follow my own advice.  I desperately want to get back into being active again and dancing. But I also know that it’s not practical or realistic to think I can just jump back into my 2-3 times a week at the gym for zumba schedule again.  I need to start small. Something though.  Tonight before cooking or going through boxes or writing this blog or even relaxing and vegging on the couch, I needed and most importantly WANTED to try a dance workout on TV in my living room, and I DID IT! 20 minutes of belly dancing felt so energizing and empowering! And I've hung my belly dancing coin scarf, that I wore around my waist for extra motivation, by the thermostat so it is clearly visible and will remind me to try a little belly dancing every night after work.

Start small.

Apply love everywhere.

Recognize the richness of my journey.

Love my transparent wings.