Embracing My Sentimentalism

In true Brene Brown style, I looked up the definition of sentimentalism and Google said it means excessive tenderness, sadness or nostalgia. And you know what, I think I'm okay with that because if I'm going to be excessive about anything, I think tenderness is right up there with excessive fruit and vegetable eating. :) I have been sentimental for almost as long as I can remember. Maybe it's my astrological chart with 5 planets in water, maybe it's growing up seeing my sweet momma getting teary-eyed at emotional commercials, maybe it's my love for photography and recording fun memories to look back on. I was even my high school honor society's historian one year. (A perfect role for me really!) Then scrapbooking became popular and I ate that up! Then later on with smartphones and social media, apps like Timehop and Facebook started reminding of pictures and posts we created a year or more ago. 

I love that stuff. I eat it up. And I think it's time to embrace it. I don't want to hide it or cover it up. Yep, I'm sentimental and it makes me who I am and if that involves excessive tenderness and nostalgia, I'm okay with it. The excessive sadness can get pretty heavy at times though, but don't they say that you can't truly cherish the sunshine without some rainy or cloudy days? We who live in the beautiful, mostly gray Pacific Northwest know this metaphor well. It makes us love and appreciate the sunny weather even more. And well, if there are too many days of sunshine in a row like a few weeks ago, we start to even long for the cloudier days.

How can we learn to embrace even our sadness? Of course we don't want to live there all the time, but sadness happens, nostalgia happens, and it's a normal part of life. My baby girl, who I waited years and years to meet and hold in my arms finally, is turning one in a few weeks and I've been feeling very sentimental about it. I love watching her grow and learn and develop her sweet spunky little personality! And at the same time, I want to enjoy every milestone and moment with her so much that I want to slow time down. 

I've been thinking about the amazing past year with her and to be honest, some moments are already foggy and that makes me sad, even though I know it's part of parenthood. The amnesia of those first days. And then sometimes regrets start knocking on my door--I should have written down more memories or taken more videos or this or that--but the truth is we sometimes don't know what we’ll want to have as memories until the time has already past. 

Hindsight really is 20/20. And coming back to gratitude and recognizing all that I have recorded of her first days, of my first days as her mama, is key. It grounds me and reminds me to relish in what I do remember and hug her even tighter in this moment, right now. If only mindfulness were more a part of parenting and childbirth ed classes. Because it's really what gets me through hard times. That and love. The ginormous love I feel for this incredible little human being we created! It's overwhelming and comforting and all-encompassing all at the same time! I love her SO much! Words just don't express the enormity of my feelings about her and being her mama. What a truly awe-inspiring gift! And the most challenging and rewarding journey I've been on. I still try to find words to express how I feel about being her mom but my heart really bursts with so much more than words. And with all that tenderness, of course vulnerability and even anxiety accompany these big feelings. Like our doula put so beautifully when Luna was first born, it's like having our hearts on the outside of our body now. 

How do you process big feelings like this? Both loving and anxiety-causing feelings? And a mix?

If you'd like to learn more about life coaching and wellness education services, check out my sister site at Maret Carrillo Coaching: Owning Your Goodness (http://owningyourgoodness.wordpress.com).

3 Ways to Transform Mommy Guilt

Disclaimer: Even if you're not a parent, these tips can be helpful in transforming any nagging, pesky feelings like anxiety, other kinds of guilt, or plain old stress. 

8 and a half months into this amazing and wild journey of motherhood and I'm beginning to see how detrimental a thing called “mommy guilt” can be. If you're a mom or know someone who is a mom really well, then you probably know what I'm talking about. All those parenting books, “helpful” tips and pediatric association recommendations have wonderful intentions, but for those of us trying to do our absolute best with little sleep (or in my case, interrupted night sleep every few hours to dream feed) and high expectations and hopes for our incredible little humans we're raising, the pressure to get everything “right” can feel unbearable at times and downright paralyzing.

When I was pregnant, I got a few books to begin “preparing” for motherhood but all the facts and information overwhelmed me and I knew that wasn't the way I was going to figure things out. Trusting in my natural ability to mother was my intention and challenge. My husband and I thankfully took an empowering childbirth ed class called Birthing From Within, which focused more on our emotional preparation than on facts and information overload. That was the style that resonated most with me. I didn't feel as much pressure to do things perfectly and it was really good preparation for the days, weeks and months that would follow with our baby girl.

But the darker days of winter arrived a few months after my baby girl was born, lack of uninterrupted sleep compiled and post-inaugural angst mixed with postpartum hormones and I slowly found myself easily overwhelmed, highly anxious, and at times feeling underprepared and inadequate at being a mother. It's a truly awful feeling to not know what to do next when you know time is flying by faster than ever and you don't want to miss a precious second with your growing and changing little one.

I think I went through a clingy phase just like my daughter experiences now. I grew her inside me and she was attached to me nursing for practically three months straight so I can see how hard it is for our babies to accept the fact we are separate beings because I had a hard time getting used to it too.

And then you begin to get used to being separated for a little bit longer, perhaps to get some self-care time in while your partner gets bonding time with the baby or if you decide to go back to work. But that realization can feel a bit depressing because you miss being so connected to another human being, to who you grew inside you. And wanting time for yourself can trigger the pesky “mommy guilt” alarm in your head...”What if my baby purple cries while I'm away?” And maybe even harder yet, “What if she doesn't miss me? What if she does just fine?”

And then my milk comes in and my baby instinctively knows it and that intuitive, almost spiritual connection is felt again.

So how to transform Mommy guilt, that is the question. I like to enlist 3 of my favorite remedies that work for a lot of what ails me.

Apply these everyday if you can (or at least at first as often as you remember):

• A dose of MINDFULNESS--staying in the present moment and relishing in what you’re doing right now, in this instance (rather than dwelling in what you should have done or could have done if you’d known more, been smarter, read more, had more money, etc. etc. etc.) helps ground you and with grounding, you regain your footing and don’t feel as wobbly. Feeling secure in what’s happening in this moment is so important in building back our intuition and confidence.
• Daily GRATITUDE--remembering regularly how truly grateful you are for this precious human being you’ve brought into the world--it’s a kind of gratitude that is almost beyond words, I’ve found, but it’s necessary to reflect on it each day and dwell in thankfulness each day. And if it’s a really hard day, focusing on the air you’re breathing, on the roof over your head, and the bed you sleep in also help us soak up feelings of gratefulness. Those feelings are what fill our hearts back up when we are tired and/or feeling depleted emotionally from “mommy guilt.”
• More CREATIVITY--unleashing your creative side by doing something you love to do helps bring you into the present by focusing on that one thing, helps build back your confidence in yourself because you’re doing something you enjoy and grows your intuitive nature in the process as you create something new and reconnect with your joy. Trust me, I know there’s not a lot of time between naps and early (or late) bedtimes, but finding a little bit of time to create something at least each week will help. And it can be as simple or complicated as trying a new recipe, ripping up paper and making a quick mosaic or mini collage/vision board, coloring (inside or outside the lines!), singing, taking pictures, knitting, dancing, writing, whatever it is that you enjoyed creating before you created a beautiful little human.

When we feel more grounded and our intuition and confidence are back up, we can better tackle nasty things like “mommy guilt.” We’ll recognize the nagging feelings more quickly and apply any and all of these remedies to them before they get the better of us.

If you need support, I became a certified transformational life coach to be able to help inspire people on their journeys to greater wellness, creativity and joy for life. I’m happy to help. Send me a note on my sister site here, even if just to say hola!

If you're sleep deprived and just barely getting through this blog post, know at least this: you are IMPORTANT and it is necessary for us to praise all the AMAZING things we do and treat ourselves with the same KINDNESS we offer to our sweet babies or other people's sweet babies.

With love and gratitude,

Maret

Rethinking Productivity and Self-Care as a New Mom

 

For more than 7 years, I read and studied about how to better manage stress, how to increase wellness, and how to practice more self-care. When pieces on parenting and stress management or self-care would come up, I would skim through them, not giving them as much consideration because I wasn’t a mom yet. For as long as I can remember though, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I would be a mom someday and for the past 6 or more years, I have been preparing for this beautiful roller coaster journey I’m now on as a new mom.

As much as one can prepare for a big event though, you never know how you’ll truly feel once you’re living in the actual event. And as many new parents have shared, sleep deprivation plays a big piece too. I consider us very lucky though because our baby girl, who is now almost 7 weeks old, has been a pretty good sleeper and hasn’t been particularly colicky thankfully either. We’re learning her cues and trying to figure out the signs of when she’s tired versus gassy versus hungry versus with a wet or dirty diaper. She is very expressive which makes our job that much easier. Or we are just psychic. :) I like to think the latter but I also love how expressive she is. Hee hee!

Apart from the general sleep deprivation everyone talks about, a more sensitive, emotional topic comes to my mind and heart that isn’t discussed as much, I don’t think. The feeling moms feel of birthing a part of their physical body and having that being detached from you. The simple act of cutting of the umbilical cord didn’t seem that monumental at that time, but it really was. It symbolized the journey of becoming a parent and of letting go little by little of our very creations. I don’t want to think about all the letting go yet that is to come in the far future when our baby girl grows up and moves on to live her big beautiful life, because for now, it’s the little things, the baby steps. Like for instance, today I had a dentist appointment, so I asked my mom to come with me to the appointment and watch Luna while I got my teeth cleaned. It went great thankfully and I only heard crying from my sweet girl towards the end of the appointment so my heart didn’t break open like it can when I hear her cry too much.

As our doula put it so beautifully, becoming a parent is like wearing our hearts on the outside of us. I most definitely feel that! And as my love grows for our sweet daughter, I feel it more and more. My heart aches physically almost when I can’t comfort her. Thankfully I have been able to stay home with her to care for her and respond to her needs so that her cries don’t go unanswered very often, but as time advances—way too quickly I might add—I know I’ll need to go to more appointments of my own and eventually my husband and I will want to go on a date night and we’ll have to leave our baby girl with family or friends or a babysitter. It’s just a part of life. So for now, little by little, baby steps is all I’m taking. It’s all my heart can take. I know my heart will stretch and my faith will grow so that it won’t break every time someone else watches her, but it’s really painful and tough at first. She’s my greatest creation. My magnum opus, as my own mother puts it.

But getting back to the title of this post, with all this in mind, I have had to begin to rethink what productivity means now. I am a list girl. That doesn’t necessarily mean I get everything done that I write down on my lists, but making to-do lists and project lists and self-care lists help give me a sense of control. If you were to give me a sheet of paper right now, I know I could easily jot down a whole page-full of things I want to do with Luna, get done around the house, cook for dinner over the next few weeks, etc. etc. But that is coming from my previous way of thinking, my pre-mom days. Now the number one priority on my to-do list is to feed my daughter and care for her. Then I also need to feed myself and care for myself. But what does that mean now? It’s a new paradigm for me. Since my baby is like an extension of myself and I care for her everyday, it almost feels like I can get away without caring for myself because I’m caring for her needs. But I know that’s not really the case. I need to care for my own needs too. How to juggle caring for a newborn and caring for the new momma that was just created as well? It’s truly a juggling act. But small baby step ideas are beginning to pop up in my head.

How to Care for My New Momma Self While Caring for My New Baby…

•  Read positive affirmations or articles/Meditate/Pray while breastfeeding
• Take deep breaths during each of Baby’s naps and/or relish in the joy of napping myself
• Mindfully and joyfully complete tasks like washing dishes, doing laundry, changing diapers
• Recognize and acknowledge what I’ve accomplished each day, even if nothing on the bigger to-do list got done, because the number one priority is feeding and caring for Baby and for myself these days
• Take walks outside with the stroller or baby wrap
• Make play dates with friends with babies for social interaction, connection, support, and fun
• Invite people over to visit Baby when needing more adult time and/or support
• Shower—and even take baths when possible!
• Say yes when help is offered
• Choose healthier food options to nourish the body
• Snack on fruits and veggies and protein
• Drink more water
• Stretch with Baby or while Baby naps
• Dance with Baby :)
• Sing to Baby and learn new songs!
• Read to Baby
• Share responsibilities with partner when possible
• Treat yourself—remember one or more of your favorite things and do that!
• Create something—make art again! Baby-related art counts!

See, this kind of list isn’t as overwhelming as my regular lists, because I can embed many of these items into my daily routine. I have to admit though that looking at the entire list does seem a bit daunting, but the blessing of a self-care to-do list is that you can try one thing at a time, add one thing per day or week or whenever you feel you need to, and its purpose is to help you recover from overwhelm and fill yourself back up, so there’s no need to overachieve or check everything off by a certain date. This is a list that will never be completed because it’s constantly needing to be repeated, and that’s a good thing. 

So let’s salute to self-care and rethinking how we look at productivity. Just checking one thing off my self-care list should be considered productive now in my new role as a momma. It’s going to take some time to get used to this new view, as with everything new, but little by little, I’ll take the baby steps necessary to care for both my sweet baby girl and this new momma I’ve become.

 

The Story of Birthing Our Amazing Miracle

 

It’s hard to put in words what an utterly incredible experience giving birth to a little human is. But I want to try because I want to remember as many of the beautiful details as I can years from now and especially when our baby girl grows up and is expecting a little human of her own.

Just thinking about the day before her birth when my husband and I went grocery shopping, I was still carrying her inside and my belly was very large. It’s quite surreal to think that less than 24 hours later, we had our baby girl in our arms and were beginning to get to know her at last. I do feel like I already knew her though because her sweet personality shone through during my pregnancy. Her gentle tapping when I’d put a pillow under my belly to sleep, her favorite froggie position on the left side of my belly—which is still her favorite sleeping position but now on our chests, her darling little hiccups that I could feel quite prominently in the final weeks of her gestation.

And when she entered the light and graced us with her presence in this beautiful and complex world, her sweetness continued to shine. She had inquisitive eyes as the doctor passed her sturdy little 9 lb, 4 oz body to me—they say babies can’t see very well in their first few weeks of life outside the womb but I loved seeing her beautiful eyes looking up at me and finding my breast quite quickly. I think I was a bit in shock from all that went on leading up to her grand entrance, but I still remember the overall sense of calm and being home at last when she was in my arms finally.

Earlier on the day of her birth, I began to have pretty regular contractions in the middle of the night, but my husband and I had seen these kind of cramps before—they were very similar to the menstrual cramps I endured before and after it was discovered that I had Nutcracker Syndrome 4 years ago. (The Nutcracker Syndrome is the entrapment of the left renal vein by the aorta and superior mesenteric artery, which causes extreme pain and/or chronic achiness in the pelvic region due to residual varicosities where the renal vein had to drain due to the entrapment. My husband reminded me later that I had always said that the Nutcracker-induced cramps were excellent practice for when I would be in labor someday and they were!) So we timed the contractions and waited for them to last at least 1 minute long and be 3-5 minutes apart, as we'd been instructed in our childbirth ed class, by our midwife and by our doulas. But they consistently lasted only 28-30 seconds long and came every 2.5 minutes. It wasn’t until I started to feel the urge to push with every contraction that we realized I was probably farther along in labor than we had initially thought. And within an hour, by 5am, with one of the pushing sensations, my water broke. My husband called our midwife and she said we should head to the birth center and to breathe through the pushing urges on the way there—we didn’t want to have our baby on the freeway! Wow!

Upon arrival at the birth center some 30 minutes from our house, the midwife checked to see how far dilated I was and discovered that I was fully dilated! We had gone through the entire first part of labor at home in the middle of the night on our own. Another wow!

I was invited to get in the jacuzzi tub at the birth center and begin pushing. It was quite surreal that everything was moving so fast. I didn’t know if we’d be meeting our baby girl within the next hour or if it would take longer, but I tried to breathe through all the sensations and feelings running through me and focus on pushing. To my surprise, I didn’t feel that much pain at that point, it was more like lifting weights or pushing something really heavy around. It was good ol’ physical work—no wonder this process is called labor, huh? :)  The pain had been more prominent early on when I thought I was only having early labor and at some point told myself this has to be the real thing because it was quite intense. All that we learned in our Birthing From Within childbirth education classes really did help—I remembered to breathe, I remembered to take breaks and close my eyes and even try to sleep between each contraction, I remembered to push the energy down, and I miraculously stayed calm.

It was such a natural process—one I knew deep down that my body was born to do, so I trusted and I felt secure with such an amazing group of kind souls around me to help me welcome our baby into this world. Our midwife, Andrea was there, her midwifery student, Felicia, our doula, Jennifer (who would have been happy to come to our house in the middle of the night to help us before heading to the birth center but we didn’t know we were so far along), my loving and supportive husband, Geovanny, and my amazing momma, Maureen. I know my brother-in-law was there somewhere too because he graciously picked up my mom early that morning and brought her to the birth center.

As the pushing progressed, everyone was so encouraging, telling me I was doing an awesome job and how impressed they were with how calm I was throughout it all.  That most definitely helped with what would next occur. Our baby girl took her first really big poo! Meconium is what it’s actually called. It’s the one sure thing that will turn a perfectly normal birth center birth into a hospital birth out of precaution for the baby, because if the meconium is inhaled into the baby’s lungs, she may need a suction right after birth, which is only at the hospital.

So our entourage packed up and got ready to head to the closest hospital, which thankfully was only about 5 minutes away. I was instructed to not push again—a very difficult feat after having pushed for the past several hours—and we all drove in a caravan to the hospital. I have to be honest here, I was not thrilled to have to transfer to the hospital. I really truly wanted to experience our baby’s birth in a more peaceful setting, but the next best thing was having all the peaceful people surrounding us there come with us to the hospital and advocate for us and support us. It almost felt like we took over the delivery room and were only using the facility in case we needed it. I liked that. The hospital staff probably felt a bit put off by so many capable birthing staff being with me but I felt secure. The doctor on call asked about my big scar, which was from the surgery 4 years ago to correct the Nutcracker Syndrome and which hadn’t been an issue during the pregnancy in the least bit. I almost got mad when another doctor came in and asked me the same question. This was not the time I wanted to be talking about an old surgery, which had nothing to do with the beautiful baby girl trying to make her grand debut this morning! But luckily a kind doctor was called in and had a big smile on her face and our birthing entourage helped explain my past health adventures. I remembered—quite miraculously I might add—that we had our birth preferences plan with us, in the event of a hospital transfer, and we were really impressed that the doctor and nurses respected our wishes and asked us questions before assuming anything.

One of the greatest surprise blessings of being transferred was that we were able to donate our cord blood, something I had wanted to do since I learned about it a few years ago but that wasn’t available at the birth center yet. That made me feel a little better about having a hospital birth. Also it was less than an hour from the time we arrived in the delivery room to when our baby girl was born so there was no time for the hospital to try to offer pain medicine or any interventions, and that made me feel really proud that we were able to stick to our original plan of a natural birth, despite having to go to the hospital in case our baby had inhaled any baby poo. Another concern that our midwife had warned us about was that we might not be able to do skin-to-skin right away if the baby needed a suction. That idea really broke my heart because I had read so many wonderful benefits of uninterrupted skin-to-skin time immediately after birth for the baby. Thankfully the kind doctor who helped us deliver the baby said that she would let me hold the baby and have skin-to-skin time right after the birth and they would check the baby out to see if a suction was needed. And luckily none was needed.

They still wanted to monitor our sweet baby girl and because she was born a very healthy 9 pounds, 4 ounces, they wanted to check her blood sugar as well. Our midwife told us that we didn’t have to stay overnight but that the hospital would recommend it. We decided to stay though just to be on the safe side and after such an adventurous 9 or so hours, it felt kind of nice to stay in one place for a bit. We got free food that was actually really good. The hospital took our baby girl’s footprints and gave us a keepsake which was really nice. We got to ask lots of questions about breastfeeding and later that first evening, we asked for help with our baby girl’s first bath, since she was covered in green meconium from labor. Of course there were some obvious differences in what the hospital believed and what we and our midwife believed, but I took all that information with a grain of salt and later asked our midwife for clarification.

Overall, for having things turn out differently than we had expected, which I’ve heard is the case in so many birth stories, things turned out really well. And we even got to visit with one of my co-workers who was scheduled to have her twins on that same day in the very same hospital. :) And a baby photographer came by before we left the hospital to take pictures of our sweet baby girl too. It was a good experience, and I’m really grateful we got to experience the birth center atmosphere too. I think its calming environment and energy really helped me through the unexpected events.

And then so much energy and focus and preparation is placed on the actual birth, but no one can really prepare you for the sheer and absolute and unconditional love you’ll feel for this little human that has entered your life all of the sudden. As our doula put it so beautifully, it’s like living with our hearts on the outside of our bodies now. So true. Our beautiful baby girl did wonderfully during the pregnancy and birth. And so we began the amazing journey into parenthood.

 

Finding Mindfulness in the Middle of the Night

After 9 months of beautiful anticipation, our sweet baby girl finally arrived three weeks ago today! As new parents, we prepared as best we could by taking classes, reading articles and talking with experienced friends and family, but at the same time we didn't really know what to expect. We knew there'd be sleepless nights and there'd be crying but we also knew we'd fall instantly in love forever with our amazing creation. 

Through that love and exhaustion and because of about 7 years of studying wellness-related topics on my own, I’ve realized that the trick, for me at least, is to practice self-kindness and love as often as possible. And when I feel super tired, I'm more susceptible to stress, but if I remind myself in those moments of afterwards to breathe and ground myself, I feel better.

That is why finding mindfulness throughout the day, but especially in the middle of the night when our baby girl needs us, helps me keep going and focus on the amazing little human in front of me. 

For me, finding mindfulness means taking the time to breathe, to go easy on myself when I don't have all the answers, to go at my own pace, to not feel pressured by others' ideas or expectations. Finding mindfulness really means making it a priority to savor as many moments as possible. I don't want to say every moment because when you haven't slept very many hours, some memories get blurry but practicing self-love and kindness by treating yourself nicely requires not being hard on yourself when you forget to savor every minute. We are human after all. But if we can return to mindful awareness as often as possible or as soon as we remember, we can savor so much more in life and enjoy all the beauty becoming a parent has to offer.

May we never lose sight of the sheer miracle of life we created!

 

How do you practice mindfulness when you're feeling really tired?

Overcoming Organization Overwhelm: Blogging From the Blackhole Week 2

As week 2 is almost halfway over already, I sit here on the couch contemplating the overwhelm that sometimes comes with getting organized by a deadline. I want to overcome overwhelm, and I also want to conquer my organizational challenges. 

But at the same time, I want to say YES to social functions we're invited to and fully enjoy the beautiful summer that has just begun. Nesting is one thing but having fun and enjoying friends' company is important as well. I wish there were a magic key to balancing it all. And I'm aware--or at least I think I am--of how much juggling we'll begin doing once our baby girl is here. That is after all a huge part of parenthood, isn't it? Finding harmony or at least peace with all the obligations and invitations and activities and much needed rest seems like a huge balancing act. 

So what to do? When I start to feel overwhelmed, or when I'm head first deep in overwhelm and find myself having a hard time catching my breath, a quiet voice inside tells me to focus on this moment. To be present. To breathe. To be grateful. If anything, we can always feel grateful for the ability to take a breath. And when we start feeling grateful for the simple things, we're able to start breathing again and our monkey minds may calm down a bit. That is when we can really that action.

It's nearly impossible--or at least very uncomfortable--to take action and move forward when we can't breathe. So I think that's my short answer. The breath is the key. The key to everything. We're learning about it at our childbirth education class and I've attended mindfulness and meditation retreats and classes about it. It can bring us out of the darkness and into the light again. 

What does mindfulness mean to you? How do you feel when you take several deep breaths? What do you already do that feels mindful or that you do with focused awareness of the present moment? How do you feel when you're being mindful?