Why I Collage: A Reflection

 

Almost 4 years ago I started collaging again, after not having done so since I was a kid. I started with a vision board collage and didn't even have a glue stick. I just sat on the couch while my husband and I were watching TV and plowed through countless magazines I was wanting to recycle and taped together my very first vision board. But what I really discovered was a missing piece in my happiness. I thrive when I'm being creative. And sometimes when we “adult” too much, we forget what brings us to our happy place. Collaging has brought me closer to my creativity and that is so important for me in living a more joy-filled life.

Since rediscovering this vital part of cultivating more creativity in my life, I started sharing my love for collaging with others at get-togethers with friends and later in-services at work and then classes in the community. It filled me up and I loved watching others rediscover a little part of themselves that they may have left in their childhood. 

 

I also collect different scraps from colorful ads or words and phrases that inspire me so that I can create mini-collages fairly quickly. I keep them in a little notebook I started almost 3 years ago and love to go back through the book to see the different themed collages I've created. It's been a really helpful and fun way to destress and reconnect with my creative side. And now I can't wait to share my love for collaging with my daughter!

Do you remember a favorite activity you enjoyed as a child that you could bring back to feel more joyful when you've been "adulting" too much?

 

If you’d like support, I’m here for you. You can learn more about my life coaching services at: http://owningyourgoodness.wordpress.com.

 

Staying Grounded and Blogging from the Blackhole: Week 3

So I've begun to notice that the "Blackhole" can really be anything that triggers overwhelm. It doesn't just have to be a corner in the closet that overwhelms me or a pile of papers still lingering by the dresser, but it can also be a purse filled with a variety of to-do lists! That is what I discovered this week in my quest to blog from the Blackhole. Yes, I know--I'm probably starting to nest a bit as I have a little more than 9 weeks to go before we get to meet our beautiful baby girl. :) But I am also working through overwhelm and want to share a thought I've had recently.

One of the lessons I've begun to realize from my time with overwhelm and the Blackhole is that staying grounded is key. This is actually key for most of life's challenges and joys. Because no matter how happy, grateful, blessed, or stressed we're feeling, staying grounded will help us either relish in the beautiful moment or shift our view of the difficult moment and find the lesson in the present moment. And finding a lesson within a difficult moment is one of the only sure ways to gain perspective and start living in joy again.

I know that life isn't just about living in joy, because life's difficult moments help bring us to gratitude for the full range of feelings, emotions, and lessons we get to experience here. And that gratitude is what makes life matter.

With gratitude we are truly alive.

So my lesson for the next 9 or so weeks until I get to meet our truly miraculous and wonderful baby girl is to stay grounded in gratitude and in love.

It's a lesson for more than just the next few amazing months; it's a way of living life.

Grumpiness Hacks

On this lovely Friday afternoon, I'm feeling kind of grumpy. I know. I had to admit it but it's how I feel, and as a student of mindfulness, I've learned to acknowledge and accept all my feelings, even when they're not that pretty. My feet are swollen. My shoulder aches. Other than that, I don't have any physical complaints and I'm happily and gratefully almost 24 weeks pregnant with our first child, a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Just thinking about her cheers me up...which leads me to the title of this blog post: Grumpiness Hacks.

How do you pull yourself out of a grumpy mood? Do you just wait it out? Do you let it fester? Do you think of nice things that bring you joy? Do you go for a walk?

There are many things we can do to not feel grumpy, but my thoughts and intuition come back to what I first mentioned: mindfulness. Mindfulness teaches us that avoiding or putting a bandage over our hurts or irritations isn't actually very helpful. It just prolongs the effect. Or it can make us feel like we're denying a part of ourselves. Which may manifest as frustration or anger if we're not aware of what's going on inside ourselves. And frustration and anger lead to--you named it--more grumpiness.

So I'm steering clear of avoidance and ignoring my grumpiness. Instead I'm writing it out. That's one grumpiness hack that might work for some of you. Letting your creative juices flow in a constructive way--like with a purpose--can really shift your perspective and energy and before long, you may feel some relief from the grumpy cloud overhead.

I also plan to dance it out a little later. I haven't feel like I've been moving enough lately and when I don't move my energy around, I can feel stuck and stiff, which both can lead to grumpiness too. Moving my body to music or to the sway of the trees in the wind or to my own breath can do wonders for my mood, spirit and energy. I get back into the flow of life. I no longer feel stagnant, because I'm physically moving forward. :)

Spending time with funny people helps too, I think. If you can be in the presence of someone who genuinely makes you laugh (watching a funny video may help too but being in the same room with someone or over the phone--live--tends to bring that person's positive energy more quickly to you), the grumpy cloud will most likely shift too. It just depends on your sense of humor and if the kind of funny the person is being is medicine to your ears or if it's just making you feel more grumpy, which can happen.

In that case, taking your shoes off and walking outside in the grass or sand may really help. It brings us back to the earth and we simply walk the grumpiness down into the ground. The earth can handle it--it's okay.

Or if that's not possible, being around cute animals or cute little kids (depending on your personality preferences) can work wonders as well. The bubbly energy of a baby or laughing little one changes our perspective and reminds of our joy. The joy we hold inside always. Animals have an innocence about them (unless they are being sneaky or getting into mischief, that is) that also reminds us of the simple joys in life. A cat purring or a dog's waggy tail can perk you up very quickly, if you pay attention.

There comes the mindfulness again. Paying attention. Really if you have a moment to pay attention to yourself, to your needs, to your dreams, to your breath, then the grumpiness you've been feeling may start pealing away.

And what are you left with after you peal away the grumpiness? Yourself.

Your true self.

Which is made of stardust and sparkles, which exude joy.

And love.

There, I feel a little better already! :-)

Reverence for Life and Light

As life becomes harder and more threatening, it also becomes richer, because the fewer expectations we have, the more the good things of life become unexpected gifts that we accept with gratitude.   

~Etty Hillesum, An Interrupted Life

On being light:

Back towards the end of October, I started writing the word "light" on the palm of my hand to remind myself to be lighter in spirit and not feel things that happen as heavy but rather to "lighten" my load. I really like how this short and sweet one-syllable word, "light" can be used as a adjective, verb, or noun. Each has different meanings but both generate feelings of relief and hope for me. 

Google defines light with terms like:

radiant energy

something that makes vision possible 

source of illumination

brilliance

luster

dazzle

glowing

shining

luminescence 

Through this palm reminder, more often than not, I decide to choose light. I choose to embody more lightness into my everyday activities, to bring more light to my world, to seek light in every experience and circumstance. LIGHT is a very powerful and positive trigger word for me and yet so simple and beautiful, isn’t it? 

Recently one morning I read a piece from the excellent book, Self-Care for Life, on ease. And so I wrote the word “ease” on my other hand. Light and ease may just be two of the keys of opening my soul’s window to more joy and peace and love.

On having reverence for life:

Speaking of opening up, sometimes it takes feeling a wall inside of me to realize I need and desperately want to open back up my heart. I am a feeling person by nature and when I can't feel fully, I become stifled and I'm not honoring my true self. I feel out of the flow and joy of life. I feel off somehow. 

But from time to time, a protective shield or wall builds up in my heart, sometimes after a traumatic event, but most often, I'm realizing, after chronic stress, fatigue, and/or prolonged absence from my true calling of creativity. 

Thankfully when I most need it, gifts arrive. Last week I was randomly selected to attend an inspiring weekend event hosted and created by the amazing Oprah Winfrey. In these gifts, I often find time to reflect, to feel, to be in awe, to feel inspired, and to become aware of any protective walls that may be up and begin to embrace my yearning to open up and take those walls down. 

At Oprah's Life You Want Weekend event, I felt moved many times but at first I could feel some resistence. And I know from past experience, mainly last year when I attended the inspiring Jennifer Pastiloff's manifestation yoga class, that when I feel that resistence to inspiring wisdom and reflection and don't react in my natural state of feeling moved to tears or moved to inspiration and creativity, I know something is up. Quite literally. A wall. Built up slowly. But to protect my big heart. The window to my soul and spirit. I'm ready to keep this beautiful window open and let the light shine in, let it sparkle and dazzle with its brilliance.

So here are some life-changing take-aways from a weekend with Oprah Winfrey, Liz Gilbert, Rob Bell, and IyanlaVanzant that I think will help me keep my heart open and let more light into my soul:

1. Stop and put my hand on my heart to take a deep, rich breath in and feel grateful for this life
2. See beauty in nature and almost automatically say this phrase to myself, “reverence for life”
3. Imagine and write out my vision
4. Reread my vision for the Life I Want everyday as a new part quite possibly of my daily reflective practice
5. Feel a part of a greater community of spiritual women, all aligned with a similar purpose of living life to the fullest and with gratitude in our hearts

What makes your heart open and let light in?

Letting In Joy

Where has this month gone? I found myself asking earlier today. And then I started thinking about it. In learning a new job, family BBQs, pool time, morning nature walks, a few urban hikes, a Super moon, World Cup viewing parties, several collages made at home after work, some beautiful photographs, buying a new car, saving money, selling my dear Opie to a good home, going through some of the papers I’ve accumulated and feeling a little more ready for our upcoming move in the fall, losing 3 pounds, daily--or almost daily blog posts on joy and finding zeal and zest in life, a submission of writing and collage to a friend’s magazine and getting accepted, and signing up for and committing to a 100-hour coaching certification program to start in August! Wow! I’m on my way!

 

As I've had to practice letting go and trusting A LOT recently in the buying and selling of cars, I have also looked back on the last 2 years, since I first bought my Opie car and I now see how very far I've come on so many levels. It's sometimes hard to see when we're busy living our lives, day to day, but when we stop and look back, even if ever so briefly, a wider angle comes into focus and we can see growth and struggle and triumph and difficulty and love and change and joy and wisdom and hopefully a whole lot of fun and laughter with those we love. 

Life seems richer when I take the time to stop and look at who I am now. I'm proud of who I am. It's getting less and less scary to be who I really am. Being vulnerable can still be painful, but it's very healing to share my experiences with others, in hopes that the lessons I've learned may help someone else--and myself through taking the time to articulate and honor all of life. I think a big part of becoming ourselves is accepting everything about us, even what we don't particularly like yet. If we can really embrace our whole self and love ourselves unconditionally, then we can begin to spread that love wholeheartedly into the world.

This month I decided to focus on joy and adding more zest and zeal to life. I've found through this process that I don't always feel joyful and I must respect all my feelings. But in focusing on bringing forth more zeal to every day, it gets easier to bounce back from a difficult moment and smile again. That's the key.

So here is a collage of expressions of joy. I realized when creating this that many of the pictures I found as examples of sheer joy were taken by others. In a way it seems like the camera finds a way of catching me right when I'm laughing and being joyful, over and over again. I rarely take a "selfie" in this state. It's really all about being in the moment, away from my phone or camera, and feeling spontaneity and breathing in joy and mirth which is then expressed to the world through my big wide smiles. :-)

The Little Girl Inside

I want to befriend the anxious little girl who lives inside me. I want her to know I love her and support her. I want to tell her that we are doing great and that we will be okay no matter what. But it's sometimes hard to get her messages. I find breathing deeply helps though. She also seems to remember she's ok and can enjoy life again when I'm moving or creating--through dance, photography, nature walks, hiking, collaging, making jewelry, planning workshops. When she is put in a stressful situation or feels pressure of any kind, she begins to tighten and churn. Sometimes only time can rid her of these sensations, even after moving and breathing deeply. This is why it's so important to remind her that these feelings of fear will change and we will once again feel the joy of life. Living in the moment is key but requires constant, LIFELONG commitment, daily practice and self-love, because with anything that you are practicing comes goof-ups and being hard on her is only going to exacerbate the anxiety.

I now see this little girl as beautiful and courageous and intelligent. She's the little girl I was when I was young. She's the part of me who was too scared to develop into an adult. And maybe that was her purpose all along, her intention, to help balance out the rest of my adult self in order to stay young and full of creativity, energy and hope. Because without this little girl, I wouldn't be able to experience the sheer joy of nature and love and life in the same way. I love skipping. I love feeling joyful. I love giggling. The little girl keeps me balanced and filled with zeal for life. After all, when I think about where the sensations of my joy are located in my physical body, more often than not they are in the same places where I feel the anxiety. Anxiety and excitement create virtually the same sensations for me, only one is associated with negative or scary thoughts and emotions and the other with joyful and positive thoughts, albeit sometimes scary too.

When I'm feeling joyful and excited about life, I welcome the scary parts and do the things that scare me anyway, which is where my courage is born. As I practice everyday, I will continue to tell the little girl inside me that she is amazing and talented and so brave and so loved. So needed. So joyful. She must only stop and breathe in that energy so that the situation can shift and the anxiety will dissipate with practice. It will never go away completely. We need anxiety for our safety sometimes but as we shift, we can lean towards excitement and zest for life instead, in order to train our thoughts and emotions to respond differently or shift and lean more quickly towards joy.

Little Things Matter

I decided to combine my photography of today's amazing sunset with my love of affirmations and so I created a blollage (I made that word up to combine blog and collage!) for my blog post this week.  I also had fun making this blollage so my Fun-A-Day challenge #21 has been fulfilled as well.

I have really found in the past 3 weeks that doing little things everyday makes a BIG difference.  I have realized this in just adding simple things like meditating/praying every morning, creating something for Fun-A-Day everyday, usually in the evening, and writing in my gratitude journal every night before bed.

I start the day out with strength, am able to express myself creatively through Fun-A-Day, and end the day remembering what I'm grateful for.  It's the best way to get through any day--whether it be an easy one or a challenging one.  And after 21 days, I find myself craving these activities so I can say now that more than just a habit has been formed, a new way of living and thriving has been created.  Getting through your day struggling to come up for air is merely surviving, but paying tribute, creating and feeling gratitude are all things on the beautiful, golden or rainbow-colored road of thrival.  I most definitely prefer to thrive than just survive.

I feel so much more alive in my heart and soul when I'm creating and feeling grateful, rather than just going through the day "getting by."  Getting by doesn't fulfill me.  I know this now.  And if I let myself go too long just getting by, my mind and body start to rebel.  So it's just like flossing or eating your vegetables everyday, meditating and creating and feeling grateful are necessary steps to take for my overall health. Like doctor's orders, but in this case, I made the rules; I'm the doctor; I'm the master of my own future and so I'm choosing to take part in joyous activities whenever it's possible.  Some days it's only been a few minutes posting a quick photo I took to achieve my Fun-A-Day but other days I have enough time to go on a nature walk and really look at all that I've created and choose which one I would like to share with you.

So no matter how little time we have to work on the things that bring us joy, the most important thing is to keep doing them, every day, so that we crave them and they become as common to us as driving to work or eating lunch or brushing our teeth.  That is my hope.  To make joy a regular part of my day, every day.

EnJOY Life: How to Make Sure My Life is JoyFULL

This morning I wrote ENJOY LIFE on the inside of my palm to remind myself throughout the day to choose joy, over fear or stress or nerves or anxious thoughts.  I think this new year's focus for me is JOY, creating a space for it, choosing it and maintaining it, no matter what.  The Fun-A-Day challenge has definitely helped open the waves of creative energy and expression for me and I am in the process of creating an excellent daily outlet for my creativity now.  But something is still getting in the way sometimes of my joy.  What is it?  So I dived in and explored my inner self to see what I could find out and how I could bring more joy into all aspects of my life.

I discovered darkness in the form of fear that has been gurgling around and partially clouding my joy at times.  In order to move through these difficult feelings, I need to own them and communicate more openly about them.  Instead of braving these grizzly bears all alone, why not share what I’m feeling anxious about with trusted loved ones, like my husband, my mom and my best amigas.  For example, I've been feeling anxious lately about my car and having to take it into the dealership to find out how much more life it has left.  I am very proud of this car, I purchased it all on my own and it was quite a struggle to find, so I want to be able to enjoy it for as long as possible, and enjoy not making car payments for as long as possible.  As a result, I haven't called the dealership yet to make an appointment.  I don’t want to receive bad news.  I’m scared of what they might say.  So instead of continuing to beat myself up about not calling yet, I talked with my husband, who already knows how I feel about this car, and we are going to go together this weekend. An easy solution once I decided to take action and communicate what I was afraid of.

I’ve also been procrastinating about calling and making some routine yet necessary doctor's appointments.  Why?  After reflecting on this a little, I realized that it is probably because of all the trauma from my surgeries in 2012.  I’m still scared of what they might say or of being misunderstood.  The after effects of a traumatic health crisis like that last much longer than the actual physical wounds.  I think this is what has been holding me back from making a few simple phone calls.  Now that I am aware of this, what has been holding me back, I hope I will be able to move forward and make these appointments finally.

What about my resistance to going through the boxes in our bedroom?  I know in part, it’s because I don’t know where I’ll put the things that I want to keep from the boxes. But that shouldn’t be stopping me from going through and throwing out, recycling, and/or donating the rest!  I can easily put what I want to keep back in the box and condense it all into one box even. Now there’s a solution!

Any other parts of my life that I feel resistance?  Well, I know the gym membership is way more complicated than just not wanting to fork over the money to buy a 2-year membership from Costco. Instead, it has everything to do with my last gym experience a year ago when I tried 20 minutes of zumba and was in pain in bed for the whole rest of the day. I LOVE zumba. It hurt my ego and pride and soul to not be able to do it. But now a WHOLE year has passed and I am stronger and ready to give it a try again. I can do it. I can dance now! The jumping may hurt, at first, but I can just bend my knees until I get the rhythm of it back again and until I feel more comfortable and don’t feel pain as a result. I can adapt my dancing to avoid the painful aftermath. It shouldn’t stop me from dancing all together. It’s been a full year and almost a month since my wound healed completely. I can do this!

So as we approach the midway point of the first month of this new year, it’s a good time to examine what has been holding us back from doing the things we hope to do.  Why aren’t we doing them already?  What’s stopping us?  Sometimes it’s as simple--and as complex--as fear.  But once we can own that fear and name it and share it with someone, we can then move through it and experience what’s on the other side, which is JOY.

I’m left with a song that has been repeating in my head all day from the Seattle Unity Church.

Joy, joy, joy

I’ve still got joy

Joy, joy, joy

I’ve still got joy

Joy, joy, joy

I’ve still got joy

After all I’ve been through

I’ve still got JOY!

Never Take For Granted The Good Days

I was home sick today and felt incredibly miserable at one point. I didn't have enough energy to sit up and the lower abdominal pain radiated all the way down my legs. But as the pain eased a little, I was able to remind myself that this is only one or two days a month, instead of everyday. Last year I felt an aching pain everyday (see My Nut Notes blog post from last year on my rare vascular condition for more details)--when I stood for more than 10 minutes, when I went shopping, when I walked for more than 10 minutes, when I sat on a hard surface, even when I went to the movies. It was a nagging debilitating pain that affected my everyday life. But now I have been given the gift (read about my surgery on my One Year Post-Op blog post)--because it truly is a gift and I am so lucky to have been given this--of feeling pretty darn healthy throughout the month and only have a day or two when I feel terrible. A few months ago, I didn't even feel that terrible. So I really need to remember to count my many blessings and never take for granted all those good days--the 28 out of 30 days each month that I live virtually pain-free now.

One thing that seems to help that my wonderful husband has taught me is to name the feeling I'm experiencing in those desperate moments. This morning he asked me what I was feeling in that moment of agony and I would call out "pain," then "nausea," followed by "dizziness," etc. and it seemed to give those feelings a voice so they wouldn't all glob together in one big pain attack anymore. In a sense, I also felt more in control of the pain because I had named the different parts of it; I had identified the culprits and communicated them out loud.

As I'm typing this now, I feel a slight twinge of pain and a headache and a little dizziness if I turn my head too quickly, but overall I feel much more human again and that is such a blessing. I know we all struggle with daily stresses and things that frustrate us or get us down, but I feel so fortunate to be able to walk and talk and sit and go about most of my days without much pain or nausea or dizziness. It feels great to be alive and human and for the most part pain-free!

So I share these thoughts here as reminders for myself in the future, if the pain returns, and also to stay focused on all the beauty of each day and all the simple joys, despite all the troubles, that we are blessed with each and everyday. We can breathe in and out deeply. We can go outside and enjoy nature in all her splendor. We are alive. We are blessed.

Learning to love even the darkness

Recently the weather in the Seattle area has begun to shift slightly-the days are a little bit shorter, the nights a little bit crisper and the gray skies have returned more often than during the rest of this summer.  I'm struck with my automatic thought to despise the end of summer and dread the coming of the colder, darker, rainier days.  This year I would like to challenge this automatic thought of mine and since the changing of the seasons is inevitable, actually look forward to the autumn and winter seasons through a more positive, yet still sincere lens.

So yesterday I asked myself this question, "What do I love about each season?"  And "what do I look forward to every year during each season?"  Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons so it's extremely easy for me to come up with lists upon lists of my favorite things about these two sunnier, brighter seasons.  But what about the two seasons that are more challenging for me?

My first thought, because of the chillier nights these past few weeks, is how much I love wearing a different scarf each day.  When the colder months arrive, I no longer accessorize with necklaces as much as with scarves and boy is it fun!  I also love wearing tall boots again with leg warmers in the fall and winter!  But apart from clothing changes, I also look forward each year to the crunching of fallen autumn leaves on the ground during my sometimes rainy nature walks, which I try to take part in all year round if possible.  This is one of the Tranquil Times I relish in and also a way for me to be creative with my nature photography and keep up my exercise during busy times.  Speaking of photography, I love standing below trees during the fall and admiring all the bright reds and oranges and yellows of the leaves before they fall.  I never tire of taking photographs of the exquisite Autumn colors in the Pacific Northwest where I live.

Now for the hardest season for me--winter!  This took some real thought and creativity to come up with  the things I like about winter and what I look forward to during the winter months.  I always imagine the soft white snow falling so quietly and closing schools and workplaces, because this is such a peaceful event, if you don't have to drive on the icy, snowy roads around here and can just stay home and play.  But let's be honest--this only happens at best one or two times maximum each year and sometimes not at all so I really needed to come up with more than just hopes for a winter wonderland this coming winter.  So what else?  Going to the gym no longer seems like a waste of sunshine because it's dark out by the time I'm off work most of the winter.  So that's a positive way to view the darkness.  I also enjoy settling in at home more during the winter months to work on crafts like making earrings--my best friend, Andrea and I made about 30 pairs of earrings last November in preparation for a holiday craft fair at my work!  I'm motivated to try cooking yummy soup recipes during the cold winter and so is my wonderful mom who likes to share her soup creations every fall and winter.  My adorable husband and I love preparing warm tea--especially chai tea--on cold nights and it's something I definitely look forward to very much.

Something wonderful about both fall and winter is cuddling!  This coming fall will be our first fall as a married couple and I am definitely looking forward to staying in on cold, rainy nights, watching a movie all warm and cozy in our cute apartment.  Not quite as fun as cuddling is bundling up for a walk outside in the cold, maybe on one of those amazingly clear, chilly days we sometimes get here in Seattle in the winter.  Spotting the first pussy willows of the season every February is definitely a highlight for me as well because I love seeing the promise of the spring ahead right before my eyes in the form of a soft little plant I can pet!  Seeing the tiny buds beginning on all the trees is also a delight after a long winter.  The act of witnessing the beginning of this new growth shoots hopeful rays of light throughout my being every winter and I know that I've almost made it through another long winter and spring will come again.

So my real challenge is finding joy and love for the in-between--the waiting for spring to come, the aftermath of the fun, family-filled holiday season, the maintenance work of keeping our new year's intentions, all while the days feel extremely dark and dreary.  I think I'll create a new tradition for the last week in January to help motivate me and give me something real to look forward to and work towards.  What could it be?  Going trapeze flying again?  Doing an indoor (or outdoor) 5K walk at the end of January?  Travel to the little German town of Leavenworth in Cascade Mountains east of Seattle to the Icicle Fest?  Hosting an Anne of Green Gables movie marathon with the girls?

I think, for me, it helps immensely to always be working towards something, a secret little goal or a big, public dream--whatever it may be, the focus on forward motion helps inspire me.  And breaking big dreams into fun, little projects throughout the year, like this weekly blog I started this month, makes the forward motion even more obtainable.  So what will my project or tradition be during the dark, challenging months?  That is the question.  I'm grateful for this insight now, in August, before the cold darkness hits so I know what I need to creatively brainstorm about in order to be proactive for the coming fall and winter and make them joyful, love-filled seasons, just like my beloved spring and summer!