Finding the Shiny Bits Underneath the Pain

My body always finds a way to slow me down and give me rest.

I can't say quite yet that I'm grateful for my good ol' monthly pain reminder--I think I'm not quite that spiritually evolved--but I can say that it has great power in forcing me to rest and try to relax, or the pain will be exacerbated. Yesterday I learned that my amazing mom would be transferred to a rehabilitation center today. I have been going to the hospital to see her everyday since that scary day nearly two weeks ago when she passed out. 

Many have told me, including my mom, to have some fun and take care of myself, but I really was at a loss for how to do that, even though I have focused this very blog on wellness and self-care-related topics for over a year now. So now as I sit here waiting for one of my mom's cats to come home, who is not cooperating, and feel that familiar annoying pain again, I am trying to stay in the moment, breathe, enjoy the much needed time to rest, be with my mom's other kitties and keep them company, watch an exciting 20-year old movie (Speed--can you believe it came out 20 years ago?!), and be patient. And funny thing, aren't those some of the key ingredients to taking care of myself? 

So as I learn to show gratitude even for the times when I am in pain, I also recognize some of the lessons hidden among the folds of pain. I learn over and over again to focus on the moment, focus on my breath, focus on the importance of resting and not overdoing it, focus on the love of animals and nature, focus on simple enjoyment, and focus on practicing patience. 

After reflecting on all the lessons available in pain, I am starting to warm up to the idea of feeling a bit of gratitude for this monthly reminder to focus on myself and my body and my good. This could actually be a helpful exercise when facing any hardship or frustration. Look underneath the obvious discomfort and find the shiny lessons and wisdom to be gained from the experience. And remember, once learned doesn't necessarily mean you'll remember the next time. This is an exercise, like gratitude, that must be repeated regularly. 

What shiny wisdom can you find underneath your pain or discomfort?

Trying to Be Brave and Not Beating Myself Up When I'm Not

When did it become the ideal to show a tough face and not show any real emotions when your mom's having a health crisis? Isn't it just as wonderful to see how very much someone loves the person who is in crisis and how they let their emotions flow and their love surround that person? And wouldn't it be cool if your tears were interpreted as a sign of strength? Wouldn't it be neat to be applauded for how well you're dealing with a crisis by how much you're releasing your emotions and being okay with them, not fighting or repressing them?

I never imagined that these past 7 and a half months of daily practice would be preparing me for such a crisis. But a week ago tomorrow, my mom passed out and was rushed to the ER and then rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding in her brain. All my daily stressors seem so trivial when I think of the amount and kind of stress I've been under these past 7 days. But I also mustn't undermine my feelings or make comparisons like that, because stress is stress. And although I'd love to rant about how much I hate stress, that's not accepting that it exists, that it's a part of each of our lives, and that the best possible thing we can do is learn to accept what we're feeling when we're feeling it and then let it pass. 

Trouble can come when we don't let that stress pass through and it gets stuck somewhere inside us. As I learned in a meditation retreat I attended 3 years ago, act as if you're a maître de and usher it in, letting the stress pass right by you. Of course in my case, at the present time, the stress can't exactly pass right by--instead it's looking at me straight in the face, but I can at least recognize it, honor it, accept it, give it a hug, and then let it pass through me or breathe it out. If I reject it or pretend I'm not feeling it or act as others expect me to act or want me to act, then I'm not honoring my experience nor my feelings nor my reaction or response to given event, and I'm also not letting the stress pass through me. 

So I'm here to say that this is rough. I wax and wane. I'm not always strong. Sometimes I'm a wreck. It pains me so much to see my mom in pain. I hate leaving her every night, but I'm so so grateful for her excellent care in the ICU and I'm so so thankful for each and every baby step she makes towards recovery. I am proud that my love for her is so big and strong that it tears me up to see her suffer. I am glad I have the ability to express my feelings and not feel inclined to bottle them up and file them away inside me. I choose to release my emotions by expressing them and sharing them. I am so fortunate to have the love and support of my mom's many friends and our family. I am so honored to be this amazing and courageous woman's only daughter.

Blessings in Every Hurdle

August 6, 2014

I find myself asking, "What's wrong with me?" this morning as I lounge on the couch and am not motivated to do anything very productive. I hear the answer almost immediately, "You're tired, Marita." "You're exhausted. You're kind of burned out." My body has a way of slowing me down when I get caught up in the busy-ness of everyday life and forget to stop and rest and recharge enough. 

I took today off because it has been 2 years to the day since I had my open surgery. The surgery that cured my Nutcracker Syndrome and eventually, although it took way longer than anyone had anticipated because of an open wound aka. Sparkle, healed the chronic pain I had been living with in 2012. I was lucky though, doctors found a reason for this pain relatively quickly and I had the surgery eight short months after my first big pain attack occurred. Some people live for years with such pain. :(

As I typed this last paragraph, my mind flashed back to a pretty road on Whidbey Island where Geovanny and I visited on our first day trip together three years ago Sunday. :) I remember the excitement of new love and just beginning to get to know what a wonderful person this man is, this man who is now my husband. 

Young love on the ferry back from Whidbey Island, August 3rd of 2011 :)

I am moved to tears when I think of the incredible gifts I have received. I have jumped over a lot of hurdles but I am so blessed! For every hurdle, I believe there are at least five blessings wrapped up in it. As long as I take the time to see the little sparkly blessings, I know it's all been worth it.

On a day like today, I feel lucky to be able to get up out of bed on my own. (Tears again.) I feel lucky to take a shower. I feel lucky to eat almost anything I want and feel hungry when my body needs food. I feel lucky to walk upright. Lucky to go for a hike later today--my post-op-iversary tradition which started last year with summer hikes to Meadowdale Beach, Mt. Rainier and Cougar Mountain. Lucky to be able to go to the bathroom. (I know, TMI, but if you've ever had surgery, you know what I mean and it IS a big deal.) I feel lucky to feel hardly any pain. (I had cramps over the weekend and a headache the last two days, but it was manageable, uncomfortable yes but manageable, because I was still able to function and drive and visit with people and go to work and eat and go for a walk.)

One of our many hikes last summer to the magnificent Meadowdale Beach in Edmonds, WA (where I first started exercising again after my surgery)

After climbing as far as we could on Mt. Rainier, less than a year after my open abdominal surgery!

Cougar Mountain one year ago today for my first post-op-iversary hike with my love :)

So I'm throwing my "should do" list out the window and embracing the much needed rest of a day off. No matter what the reason for the day off, I am listening to my body right now, as the back of my head still pounds a bit, and acknowledging that I still need to rest. Other things can wait. I really won't be "productive" if I don't first take time to rest, relax and rejuvenate myself. 

Whenever my body calls out like this, I think I will start asking instead "How can I feed my body what she needs?" rather than "What is wrong with me?" Because there is nothing wrong with me. My body is working exactly as it should, by telling me when I've overdone it and when I'm in need of some good old fashioned R + R.

So for now, I'm celebrating this 2nd anniversary of my operation by writing this blog from the couch on my smart phone with the birds chirping outside and the kitty cats lying at my feet.

Gussy warming my feet :)

Roo Bear sleeping above me :)

I'm starting to feel better already. :) So thankful for therapeutic writing and for you reading this piece of my heart.

And today it has been 1 whole year since I started writing weekly wellness blogs and 7 months and counting of daily practice posts! 

Letting In Joy

Where has this month gone? I found myself asking earlier today. And then I started thinking about it. In learning a new job, family BBQs, pool time, morning nature walks, a few urban hikes, a Super moon, World Cup viewing parties, several collages made at home after work, some beautiful photographs, buying a new car, saving money, selling my dear Opie to a good home, going through some of the papers I’ve accumulated and feeling a little more ready for our upcoming move in the fall, losing 3 pounds, daily--or almost daily blog posts on joy and finding zeal and zest in life, a submission of writing and collage to a friend’s magazine and getting accepted, and signing up for and committing to a 100-hour coaching certification program to start in August! Wow! I’m on my way!

 

As I've had to practice letting go and trusting A LOT recently in the buying and selling of cars, I have also looked back on the last 2 years, since I first bought my Opie car and I now see how very far I've come on so many levels. It's sometimes hard to see when we're busy living our lives, day to day, but when we stop and look back, even if ever so briefly, a wider angle comes into focus and we can see growth and struggle and triumph and difficulty and love and change and joy and wisdom and hopefully a whole lot of fun and laughter with those we love. 

Life seems richer when I take the time to stop and look at who I am now. I'm proud of who I am. It's getting less and less scary to be who I really am. Being vulnerable can still be painful, but it's very healing to share my experiences with others, in hopes that the lessons I've learned may help someone else--and myself through taking the time to articulate and honor all of life. I think a big part of becoming ourselves is accepting everything about us, even what we don't particularly like yet. If we can really embrace our whole self and love ourselves unconditionally, then we can begin to spread that love wholeheartedly into the world.

This month I decided to focus on joy and adding more zest and zeal to life. I've found through this process that I don't always feel joyful and I must respect all my feelings. But in focusing on bringing forth more zeal to every day, it gets easier to bounce back from a difficult moment and smile again. That's the key.

So here is a collage of expressions of joy. I realized when creating this that many of the pictures I found as examples of sheer joy were taken by others. In a way it seems like the camera finds a way of catching me right when I'm laughing and being joyful, over and over again. I rarely take a "selfie" in this state. It's really all about being in the moment, away from my phone or camera, and feeling spontaneity and breathing in joy and mirth which is then expressed to the world through my big wide smiles. :-)

Striving for Good Enough

This past week I've felt a little bit better about my paper addiction by making some progress and even thinning down some of the piles. I have collected paper since I was a girl. I still have some papers from my childhood. Honestly I love paper. I can't deny it. I'm one of those people who can stare at the scrapbook paper at the craft store for a long time. But my collection has gotten a little out of hand and after moving twice in the past 2 years, I would have liked to have been more organized by now. So this week I think I finally got tired of complaining about not having enough time or energy to go through things. And a few mornings ago, I just started going through some papers in a box in our bedroom before I went to work. It wasn’t that sunny out so I didn’t feel as motivated to get to work early and go for a nice walk in the park like in previous weeks, so I instead went through some papers. I didn’t recycle anything or get rid of anything in that instant, but I at least started. Starting is half the battle, I’m finding! So let this be a reminder to my future self to just get started. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t even have to get finished. It just has to get started and keep restarting until it’s good enough. 

I'm striving for “Good Enough!” It's a new normal for me, as a recovering perfectionist. A more realistic and kinder way of living. A more compassionate process, rather than pushing myself to finish everything perfectly and completely the first try and feeling horribly when I don’t succeed. That’s not helping matters. It’s not helping me feel supported in my development. I am working on many personal growth projects right now and showing kindness to myself is probably the number one predictor of my future success and follow-through.  Life isn’t all about productivity. There are so many more interesting aspects of living. So many wonderful lessons to learn. Observations to be made. Love to share. Laughter to be had. Stories to tell. Tips to teach. Creativity to form!

And because of the small progress I made that morning, the next day I came home after an almost hourlong commute miraculously with enough motivation and energy to go through another box that had been sitting in the closet for almost a year. This time I separated things into different piles, deciding what was worth saving, what was worth photographing so that it could then be recycled, what was worth pitching, and what could be used in a future collage. :) It is a lot easier now that I'm collaging regularly to get rid of cute invitations and cards I had been saving, because I can now use the images and words that really inspire and resonate with me and give them a new life in a unique piece of art. :)

The pressure of having to go through EVERYTHING I've collected that sits in the closet, in the drawers, in boxes, in the bookcase, on the table is frankly too overwhelming. By striving for good enough instead and practicing self-compassion in the process, I can work on a small pile of papers that I pulled from one of the problem places and feel more accomplished going through that small pile than I ever did just staring at the daunting task as a whole before me. Breaking it down into little piles is manageable and helps me feel more successful. Also not focusing on finishing, and instead on getting started--over and over again--is much more realistic and doesn't overwhelm me as much. It takes the pressure off. The pressure to do a perfect job and finish going through years of paperwork in the blink of an eye. This is not going to be a quick process with me. I know myself. I love to relish in nostalgia from time to time. I love history. I love reminiscing. I was after all the historian of an honor society club back in high school. Not everything in life is a rush to the finish line. Many things in life turn out better and more enjoyable when taking our time.

So in order to seek progress rather than completion, I must celebrate each and every little victory. Each time I get started. And remember that life is a process, not a destination. Not everything in life is about completing something--so much of life's joys are found along the way as we step forward.

I'll leave you with some decluttering inspiration that serendipitously found me this very week on Facebook from author, Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Pick up an object. Ask self: 'Does this object fill me with a sense of light and possibility?' If yes, keep it. If not, throw that sh*t away." ~Liz Gilbert

The Little Girl Inside

I want to befriend the anxious little girl who lives inside me. I want her to know I love her and support her. I want to tell her that we are doing great and that we will be okay no matter what. But it's sometimes hard to get her messages. I find breathing deeply helps though. She also seems to remember she's ok and can enjoy life again when I'm moving or creating--through dance, photography, nature walks, hiking, collaging, making jewelry, planning workshops. When she is put in a stressful situation or feels pressure of any kind, she begins to tighten and churn. Sometimes only time can rid her of these sensations, even after moving and breathing deeply. This is why it's so important to remind her that these feelings of fear will change and we will once again feel the joy of life. Living in the moment is key but requires constant, LIFELONG commitment, daily practice and self-love, because with anything that you are practicing comes goof-ups and being hard on her is only going to exacerbate the anxiety.

I now see this little girl as beautiful and courageous and intelligent. She's the little girl I was when I was young. She's the part of me who was too scared to develop into an adult. And maybe that was her purpose all along, her intention, to help balance out the rest of my adult self in order to stay young and full of creativity, energy and hope. Because without this little girl, I wouldn't be able to experience the sheer joy of nature and love and life in the same way. I love skipping. I love feeling joyful. I love giggling. The little girl keeps me balanced and filled with zeal for life. After all, when I think about where the sensations of my joy are located in my physical body, more often than not they are in the same places where I feel the anxiety. Anxiety and excitement create virtually the same sensations for me, only one is associated with negative or scary thoughts and emotions and the other with joyful and positive thoughts, albeit sometimes scary too.

When I'm feeling joyful and excited about life, I welcome the scary parts and do the things that scare me anyway, which is where my courage is born. As I practice everyday, I will continue to tell the little girl inside me that she is amazing and talented and so brave and so loved. So needed. So joyful. She must only stop and breathe in that energy so that the situation can shift and the anxiety will dissipate with practice. It will never go away completely. We need anxiety for our safety sometimes but as we shift, we can lean towards excitement and zest for life instead, in order to train our thoughts and emotions to respond differently or shift and lean more quickly towards joy.

Remembering Gratitude, Courage and Vulnerability

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."  ~Brene Brown

It's hard to believe sometimes but in a little less than a month, it will have been two years since my surgery. Sometimes it feels like much longer ago than that. Other times, I feel like it could have happened just last week when the traumatic memories of agony and pain come flooding back all the sudden. Thankfully this doesn't happen very often anymore. But I have discovered how very sensitive I am to memories. And I think this led me to a recent epiphany. What if instead of remembering automatically all the difficult, painful, and sad feelings I experienced during that time in my life, I choose to remember and retrain myself to focus on the feelings of elation that I felt right after I woke up from surgery. When I think back of the euphoria I felt in that moment, how relieved and incredibly grateful I was right after I awoke from surgery, after I asked if the surgery had been successful, if the doctors had been able to move my left renal vein away from my aorta, which had been compressing my renal vein to the point of extreme pain and a network of internal varicose veins above my left ovary, and that my vein had not collapsed, gracias a Dios, my heart grows and I remember all the outpouring of love and support I received from family and friends and the amazing dedication and unconditional love and honor that my mother and my husband gave me before, during and after my surgery and long road to recovery. 

This is essential in reframing our past. In not being afraid to "go there" when remembering of a particular time in our life. I don't want to be afraid to think about the time when I fought the Nutcracker Syndrome and won! I want to feel proud! And grateful! I don't want to feel bitter and angry about all the time and energy I lost as a result of the surgical infection I got. I want to remember what an awesome job the doctors did do of transporting my delicate vein to a safer location inside me, so that now nearly 2 years later, I can do pretty much whatever my heart desires. I am no longer held back by physical limitations or pain. Only by the fear of remembering. Only by my own self-doubt. Only by the lack of practice. But those are things I can control. I can reframe what I remember of this period in my life. I can gain confidence when I remember how much courage and strength I showed during that time. And I can get back out there and start moving more again, getting back into the habit of exercising and practicing whatever my heart desires. Little by little. Like I've been doing with my writing this year.

So my nugget that I take away from this epiphany is that if I find myself going back in time and remembering something--whether it be a wonderful memory or a painful one--I must challenge myself to look around in there for just one moment when I felt grateful or loved or joy, and remember that moment above all others. I did not feel a lot of joy during my recovery. I did not have a lot of fun, even though my dear mom would take me to beautiful, lovely places to cheer me up. (I love you, Mom! You are my hero!) I did not always remember how incredibly grateful I was for having a successful surgery, because I was under so much distress from a painful recovery. But now that I have been fully recovered for 1 year and 7 months (because it took me 4 full months to heal the wound left from the infection, aka. Sparkle) and I can look back on all this from a distance, I choose to realize and own my own strength, courage, gratitude, faith, love, and tenacity. 

I sometimes foresee the wisdom and goodness I will gain from a challenge before I actually go through a difficult time. Kind of like seeing yourself at the finish line before you have even started training to run the marathon. And this has helped me move through challenging times with the comfort and faith that I will grow into myself more deeply, practice vulnerability and open my heart up to receive all the love that comes to me, and be able to touch more lives in the end.

Thank you for reading my words. I would love to hear your stories of courage. Share below or on my Facebook page or email me at maritakane@gmail.com.

Adding A Little Zest To Life

At the beginning of the year, I received a random card at a Seattle Unity service that was entitled zeal. I hadn't really used this term before though but I immediately liked the sound of it. I had already set an intention to have more fun and be more playful, because I found myself getting really serious and not having much fun as a result, so this card reinforced that intention.

That is about the same time when the Fun-A-Day project appeared out of the blue and was like an answer to the winter blues I had been facing. I had SO MUCH FUN during the month of January creating something new each day and posting it on my blog as Daily Creativity! And this started a daily habit or practice for me, of posting a little something each day, like a reflection, a photo, a short poem, or an inspiring quote. I have had a lot of fun sharing and posting everyday on my blog and one of the most fun and creative parts is brainstorming about a new theme for the month or sometimes just listening to my inner voice and focusing on what I need to focus on in the coming month.

So this month, I have chosen Zest & Zeal. I intend to bring more awareness to the art of having fun and how to add more zest and zeal to everyday life. This can be anything really and I can't wait to see where it leads. I really had NO IDEA that joining the Fun-A-Day Challenge back in January would lead to all these different daily practices each month--February brought Abundance, March brought Self-Love, April brought Grace, May brought Surrender, and June brought Goodness. I love that I can sum up 2014 in these beautiful words, actions, intentions, and practices--creativity, prosperity, self-compassion, graceful living, letting go, and owning my goodness.

And now I'm adding a little more zest and zeal to my days by choosing to focus on:

lively feelings of enjoyment and enthusiasm that increases energy in pursuit of a cause or an objective

And my cause or objective is to be more playful and recognize and honor all the zest and zeal already in my life. :) Just in the past 2 days, I've found zeal in nature through discovering a beautiful pond filled with momma ducks navigating through the lilypads and dragonflies hovering just over the surface.

I have a feeling that I'll be finding zest and zeal everywhere and I can't wait to share with you what I discover this month. :)

Where do you find zest and zeal?

Moving My Goodness

Do you ever get home from work or school and feel so tired you just don't want to do anything? I've felt this way many times but yesterday I was listening to the radio, to the Debra Silverman show, on my way home and Debra talked about the importance of moving our energy. So I decided, instead of going home and lounging on the couch--because after all, I did deserve to rest, I went for a walk instead. And lo and behold after moving my energy around and breathing in fresh air, I felt more energetic and was able to do some grocery shopping and clean the house a bit before I started feeling tired again. And even after all that activity, because I focused on the fact I was still moving, I felt more energetic than the day before when I went home and just sat on the couch checking Facebook. (Although one thing I've learned from my self-compassion practice is that some time to do something just for you that you enjoy is totally okay too.) But checking my phone or computer while sitting doesn't cultivate more energy within me. Actually moving my body is what brings me energy, even when I don't feel like it. Especially then. 

After having major surgery almost 2 years ago--thank goodness it's in the past now--I definitely got out of the habit I'd formed the year before of regularly moving, and I still don't feel the same amount of energy or flexibility as before I got struck with chronic pain. So the simplicity of this reminder to just move our energy is very accessible to me. Not intimidating, like going to the gym or even to a zumba class--I'm sad to report that I still haven't gone back to zumba. :(

And let's face it: much of what we do is sitting, so I'm beginning to think that when I feel tired and as I'd say in Spanish, sin ganas de hacer nada (not feeling like doing anything), it's really my body crying out for a little attention. She wants to move. Jump around. Walk. Run. Dance. Jiggle with laughter. Sing. Whatever sounds doable to move energy around. I didn't bring special walking shoes with me today or yesterday; I just started walking. (Luckily my sandals are pretty comfortable.) And I didn't have to walk a 5K to feel a shift in my energy. Just a 30 minute stroll. Or it could have been a 5 minute long laugh--that sounds refreshing too! It'll really make you feel better, trust me. :)

And isn't energy really just tangible goodness? The kind of goodness you feel in your body when you're having fun, the kind of goodness you sense when you're excited and filled with hope about something, the kind of goodness when you feel love and joy fill your heart. If there's a pretty easy way to access more of that, sign me up. I'm moving more then!

And for those of you who physically can't walk or dance because of pain or an injury, because I've been there, laughing really gets energy moving too. And it's super fun! Singing does too!

So let's all get out there and move our goodness around! :-)

This Blog Is a Mirror Into My Soul

This blog is a mirror into my soul sometimes. It's a way for me to express my deepest thoughts and take some big risks and trust that all my supporters will still be here waiting for me and cheering me on as I practice vulnerability through this public forum. I wanted to look back at the past 10 months of blogging and reflect on all the great lessons learned through the art of writing and sharing with others. I think this blog is a reflection of my inner struggles and my inner joys, and I'm very grateful you're here reading these words.

I'm first going to look back on the different topics I've chosen to write about or I've felt drawn to reflect upon, sometimes because of external inspiration from a class or hearing an amazing speaker and other times from within, something that I've been chewing on and writing about it helps me work all the kinks out.  (Today I'll highlight last July through October.)

Last July I restarted my blog by typing up my notes from an amazing mindfulness mini-retreat that I attended a year ago. I wrote about the Miracles of Mindfulness. Then about a month later, I began my weekly wellness blog practice on the exact one-year anniversary of my major abdominal/vascular surgery with a post about climbing to the top of a mountain to celebrate this post-op-iversary. For week 2, I blogged from a park bench overlooking the beautiful Puget Sound at one of my favorite viewpoints and called it Tranquil Time Tuesday. In week 3, I was feeling a bit "meh" and wrote about watching frolicking squirrels as stress relief. :) I started to feel a real rhythm for blogging and hear my true writing voice come through by week 4 with Learning to Love Even the Darkness.

In my second month of regularly blogging each week, I participated in a 21-day meditation challenge with the great Deepak and Oprah and learned an invaluable tool of pausing, assessing, reframing, and choosing love. I remember really enjoying writing this post because it was so practical and it can help anyone. The next week I recycled a few blog posts I wrote many years earlier about my second home of Ecuador.  Ooh, I really remember liking the week after's post on No lions...no tigers because it was really empowering for me to write and I found myself rereading it at later dates to relearn the wonderful lessons I shared from one of my favorite creative authors, SARK.  For the last week in September, I reflected on a workshop I attended that helped open me up and maybe even more importantly showed me that I had built some walls around myself to protect myself.

My October blogs covered an array of topics from celebrating our talents, rewriting some history, starting a decluttering challenge for myself which proved challenging but did work well as a de-stressor, and looking inside my anti-stress backpack.

Next time I'll review the winter months and into this year. So much writing, so much growth!