Chipping Away at the Walls Around Us

Have you ever felt stuck and couldn't quite figure out why?

Sometimes we find ourselves going along in life, growing and changing and enjoying the process and then all of the sudden, we feel like we've hit a rut.  Why?

There is a chance that we may have at some point on the journey been hurt or fearful or betrayed and begun to put up a wall somewhere in our life to protect us from the outside world and sometimes even from ourselves, maybe without even realizing we did so.  In order to move forward again in our life, we need to start chipping away at that wall, brick by brick until we feel it start to budge a little--or a lot, if we're lucky.  Even a slight move can be enough to jumpstart our enthusiasm and get us out of the slump we were stuck in.

How, you might ask, can we move the walls we've put up around us?

I think we can literally start moving our physical bodies and get out of our heads in order to start wiggling the protective wall.  Probably for some, running works.  For others, dancing.  (That has been my experience in the past.)  For me, most recently, it was yoga set to joyful music and reflective writing.

But why would we even want to jiggle this wall out of place that has been supposedly "protecting" us from harm?  That may sound kind of scary, like taking the shell off of a snail.  Ah, but this is where the richness of life lies.  Once we wiggle free from this wall that's been holding us in place, we can begin to feel life again.  We may feel some sadness or confusion or frustration at first but with time and reflection, we can realize greater vulnerability in our relationships with ourselves and our loved ones and a greater understanding and appreciation of our situation and our journey.

For me, the first step is recognizing I have constructed this wall in the first place.  With awareness comes understanding and thankfully wisdom to start chipping away at the protective wall that is not only keeping away potential dangers but also potential joys.  I noticed that I had this tough wall up around me this past weekend while attending a workshop on fear.  This one-of-a-kind workshop was held in a yoga studio and involved many creative activities, such as writing, singing, dancing, doing yoga while singing, listening to joyful music and reflecting and sharing on some very deep and important topics.  This was also the first time I tried yoga since my surgery last year and I am happy to report that I was able to do most things, although I did feel some interesting sensations around my scar during the child's pose, normally my favorite yoga pose.  But I noticed the sensation and stuck with it, which was important for me in beginning to regain my courage and take back my former zest for life before my surgery last year.  This inspiring yoga/writing workshop on fear was created and presented by the amazing Jennifer Pastiloff.

In the process of writing and reflecting on what moves us and who we're grateful for in life, I realized I did not feel as moved as I normally would with such a powerful topic.  And my first reaction was, what is wrong with me?  Why do I feel so cold?  But I quickly realized that this "coldness" was the wall I had put up to protect me from past hurts and that this wall was preventing me from feeling my true, joyful, emotional self.  Just by recognizing this, I began to warm a little.  Not as much as I normally would, but that is why I use the word "budge" and "wiggle" because after constructing such a strong, protective wall up around you, it takes hard work to knock it down.  We must begin to first wiggle and nudge it out of its secure location so that we can begin to move forward again and feel fresh and energetic and hopeful again.  Even one brick chipped from the wall can make a world of a difference if we are aware of the progress we've made in taking that brick down.  Because we are the ones who are responsible for its construction and demolition.  We have the power to take down the walls around us so that we can truly experience life and love with our hearts wide open.


To read more about how important being vulnerable truly is, I highly recommend reading about Brene Brown's work, Pema Chodron's writing, any of my favorite creative author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)'s books or take an awe-inspiring workshop on manifestation from Jennifer Pastiloff.

No lions...No tigers!

Here's a meditation or thought to ponder upon today:

Choose to turn things around.

Is your day not going the way you'd like? (Or have you ever had a day like this?) Or is your energy sagging and you feel the life slowly draining from you? Turn it around. 

How? You may ask.

It has to be a conscious decision on your part and it's definitely not easy--it's really hard work, but I believe that it's possible to turn your day around and still make it a good one. It might not be perfect, things might not be going exactly how you want them to, but there is hope, there is a way to turn your mood around and it starts by making the choice.

I know from recent experiments on myself actually that this is way harder than it seems, especially when your mood is really low because you have to work extra hard to make the conscious choice to try and turn your day around. But I think the energy put forth in attempting to improve the day is so much better invested than using energy to complain or feel down in the dumps.

When I feel spun around in circles by multiple stressors or demands, I sometimes feel a sense of loss of control and my mind and spirit begin to protest. This is when I must start really listening to my inner self--the wise one inside me who always knows what to say or how to bring me peace if I choose to listen to her carefully.

And my "Inner Wise Self," as my favorite inspiring author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka. SARK) calls her, says "let go of being in control." She also has told me to relax because things will work out. Take care of yourself first and go at your own pace. Don't compare yourself with others and don't judge others or their journeys. It's okay to be different--we're all different!

My inner self is so smart! If only I had always listened so carefully to her, huh? But it's never too late. We can all start now, or whenever we choose to turn things around, when we deliberately choose to relax and let go of all that tension and fear of future possible events that may never actually occur. 

Something I enjoy doing when I come across a new idea that might be helpful for my stress management and overall wellness is researching and I have started to research the practice of allowing. I have to thank SARK for first introducing this term to me in one of her inspirational emails this summer. Expanding on one of Oprah & Deepak's relaxation techniques to assess the situation when feeling unbalanced or in need of some inner peace, I have begun to look both ways to literally assess my situation in that exact moment. If my heart continues to race out of stress or busyness, I remind my mind and body of a key point--that there are no lions or tigers chasing me right now, that I am not in danger, thankfully. This helps me find peace in almost any situation. I've even started turning my head one way to look around and affirm that there are no lions and then look the other way and say to myself there are no tigers either, which brings a little smile to my face and helps me remember to calm down already because really, I'm not going to get eaten! I'm not in the Serengeti getting chased by wild animals. I'll be okay, I'm not in any immediate danger. 

This practice really helps put things into perspective and has gradually given me the necessary peace of mind and heart to begin a practice of allowing. I believe this practice is mandatory for peace and joy and genuine gratitude to reign in my life. 

What do I mean by "allowing?" Well, as SARK describes it, it's when we don't fight or resist another person's way of being or doing or saying. We allow them to be the way they are, react the way they choose to and live their life the way they please. It also helps us remember that we are only in control of how we react or respond to a situation. We cannot control anyone else. Really. It's impossible. So why spend our energy resisting reality? 

Allowing doesn't solve all of the world's or life's problems, but it has helped me restore balance and peace on stressful days and given me the ability to think more clearly and more lovingly about myself and others. Allowing myself to feel anger or fear or pain also validates my feelings and puts my mind and heart at ease a little more than when just resisting the negative, painful feeling or wallowing in despair.

So I choose to turn things around. I choose to practice allowing others to be the way they are. I choose to allow myself to feel how I feel but to not stay there long, to release any negative feelings by allowing them to be and not resist them. It may seem a bit confusing but try it. It really works. It's almost like magic. ;-)

Complexly Beautiful

In staying true to my Ecua-Gringa roots, today I would like to pay tribute to the complexly beautiful country of Ecuador, where I called home for four years of my formative young adulthood. I learned so much about life, the world, friendship, relaxation, tranquility and chaos while living in Ecuador.

These posts are from 2008 and 2010 but still ring true for me.

Reasons I love Ecuador:

I love that there are maps drawn on public walls, that from childhood Ecuadorian youth are taught about their country and its boundaries, and that people in Ecuador have a genuine curiosity for the world and where people are from. This could be in part because of territory disputes with Peru and because of the huge population of Ecuadorians living abroad in the U.S. and Europe.

I love the fact that you can just sit around and chat with people spontaneously—no need to plan a “get together,” you can get together with friends while you walk along the waterfront.

I love the fact that I’m never lonely in Ecuador. There are always good friends and family around to talk with me, entertain me, eat and drink with me.

I love how proud most Ecuadorians are of their country, despite its troubles in politics and economy, they love Ecuador and I do too. Along the same lines, I love how the entire country stops to watch the Ecuadorian national soccer team play. For example, when Ecuador played in its first World Cup in 2002, I was in Ecuador working at the Navy base and classes were postponed or cancelled so staff and students could watch the game! Of course they didn’t tell me that until I had already painfully missed the first part of the match while trying to get to work, a little peeved that they hadn’t cancelled.

I love how relaxed people are in Ecuador and how they relax me. Sometimes it drove me crazy because I’m American and need to be productive and always doing something, but it was such a good lesson to learn to calm down and “take it easy” and not worry about rushing to finish everything as soon as I could. “As soon as you can” isn’t a phrase I hear very often in Ecuador and if it is said, it’s definitely not meant with the same intentions as it is here in the United States. Phrases like “mañana” or “más tarde”—translating to “tomorrow” or “later” in English—I’ve learned really mean I’ll get to it when I feel like it or it may never happen. Once I understood this and stopped getting annoyed with people for not doing something when they said they would, once I stopped taking the words literally and placed what they said in an Ecuadorian cultural context, things started to slow down for me too and I didn’t stress out as much.

Originally posted on October 16, 2008.

The following post is actually a poem I wrote about the beach town where I taught English for three years after graduating from the university in the United States.  I also worked as a Fiora Vanti model (Hee hee! This title still brings a smile to my face! A great story for the grand kids, huh?), giving out free samples of a new Coca-Cola product on a makeshift island in the bay of Salinas. 

Salinas

Oh, mi querido Salinas, como te extraño
Extraño tu malecón, tu iglesia amarilla, tus bares y restaurantes
Extraño tu cevichelandia, tus taxi-rutas, tus edificios y calles
Extraño tus palmas, tu arena, tus canchas de volei
Extraño tus “mangos chupa mangos,” tu Pilsener, tus ricos encebollados
Extraño tu amistad, tus chupas, tus viajes locos a Montaña
Extraño tu gente, tus perros callejeros, tus lagartijas (pero no las cucarachas!)
Extraño tus caídas del sol, tu Mar Bravo, tus focas y surfistas
Extraño tus Patas Moradas, tus viajecitos en bote, tus ballenas (que no he visto todavía)
Extraño las sopitas, los batidos, los patacones y maduros fritos
¡Te extraño, mi lindo Salinas!

 

Originally posted on August 31, 2010.

Someday I may translate this poem, but I have found that the language from which my thoughts originate is much more genuine than trying to find the words in my other language.  It is great exercise for my mind though and quite a challenge trying to find the right words that express the same feelings I'm trying to express.

Writing is a comforting, creative way for me to relieve stress, and sharing my writing with you keeps me accountable to a greater purpose and creates a space for my reflections on wellness and life lessons.

Turning Gray Clouds into Blue Sky

Focus on the blue sky, whenever possible, no matter what's happening, no matter how gray it might be outside. This thought came to me earlier today when I looked outside through the rain-stained windows and saw a tiny piece of blue popping through. Thank goodness for the tiny glimmers of sunshine! And guess what? The blue sky broke through later on and all the gray and rain went away. Just like how our moods can change when we take a minute to breathe and assess all that's good in our lives. 

Do you ever feel overwhelmed? I know I do sometimes! I recently participated in the 21-Day Meditation Challenge offered for free by Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra and learned a wonderful tool that I whip out now when I begin to feel that dreaded overwhelming gray cloud (called stress or fear or anything that's bothering you really) drawing near.

It's quite simple but I have found it very helpful in getting back to the present and remembering to take one breathe at a time. Oprah and Deepak wrote, "Pause. Assess. Reframe. Choose love." That's it. That's really all I need to do to start feeling calmer, more confident, more patient, more loving, more grateful and ready again for anything that comes my way.

I decided to turn these four steps into some hand motions to help me remember them better and return to a calm way of being when stress starts to knock on the door of my soul. Remembering helpful things like this is so important, yet sometimes really hard to do when you start to feel stressed. So making it into something more tactile has helped remind me to follow these steps. It's a learning process though, as with all things, and of course I haven't mastered this yet. So it's practice, practice, practice for me!

Please note that I changed a few of the words to better suit my needs.

Here's how it goes:

Breathe.

Take one big deep cleansing breath to start.

Assess.

Then look around a few times to "assess" the situation and recognize that I'm okay, I'm not in danger, and Life is actually quite good in this precise moment.

Recenter (and Reframe).

Next cross one leg over the other while standing and bow slightly with palms of the hands placed together at the Heart Center (called tree pose in yoga, I think). This helps me regain my balance, grounds me and "recenters" my core, ultimately making it easier to "reframe" the current situation causing me stress.

Choose Love.

And finally, place hands over heart to remember to choose Love. Always for myself first and then spread that neverending love outward into the world.

It's a quiet exercise I can do quite easily in the restroom or stairwell or even while on a walk, and it helps me recenter myself on the present and focus on the goal, which is always LOVE.

And I think love is a great metaphor for blue skies and sunshine, don't you?

I'm writing this from my favorite blogging spot, on a peaceful bench overlooking the Puget Sound, just a few minutes from our home--so grateful--with the sun warming my face, the sea breeze cooling me, the blue skies inspiring me and the calm waters soothing my soul. This is peace. 

Learning to love even the darkness

Recently the weather in the Seattle area has begun to shift slightly-the days are a little bit shorter, the nights a little bit crisper and the gray skies have returned more often than during the rest of this summer.  I'm struck with my automatic thought to despise the end of summer and dread the coming of the colder, darker, rainier days.  This year I would like to challenge this automatic thought of mine and since the changing of the seasons is inevitable, actually look forward to the autumn and winter seasons through a more positive, yet still sincere lens.

So yesterday I asked myself this question, "What do I love about each season?"  And "what do I look forward to every year during each season?"  Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons so it's extremely easy for me to come up with lists upon lists of my favorite things about these two sunnier, brighter seasons.  But what about the two seasons that are more challenging for me?

My first thought, because of the chillier nights these past few weeks, is how much I love wearing a different scarf each day.  When the colder months arrive, I no longer accessorize with necklaces as much as with scarves and boy is it fun!  I also love wearing tall boots again with leg warmers in the fall and winter!  But apart from clothing changes, I also look forward each year to the crunching of fallen autumn leaves on the ground during my sometimes rainy nature walks, which I try to take part in all year round if possible.  This is one of the Tranquil Times I relish in and also a way for me to be creative with my nature photography and keep up my exercise during busy times.  Speaking of photography, I love standing below trees during the fall and admiring all the bright reds and oranges and yellows of the leaves before they fall.  I never tire of taking photographs of the exquisite Autumn colors in the Pacific Northwest where I live.

Now for the hardest season for me--winter!  This took some real thought and creativity to come up with  the things I like about winter and what I look forward to during the winter months.  I always imagine the soft white snow falling so quietly and closing schools and workplaces, because this is such a peaceful event, if you don't have to drive on the icy, snowy roads around here and can just stay home and play.  But let's be honest--this only happens at best one or two times maximum each year and sometimes not at all so I really needed to come up with more than just hopes for a winter wonderland this coming winter.  So what else?  Going to the gym no longer seems like a waste of sunshine because it's dark out by the time I'm off work most of the winter.  So that's a positive way to view the darkness.  I also enjoy settling in at home more during the winter months to work on crafts like making earrings--my best friend, Andrea and I made about 30 pairs of earrings last November in preparation for a holiday craft fair at my work!  I'm motivated to try cooking yummy soup recipes during the cold winter and so is my wonderful mom who likes to share her soup creations every fall and winter.  My adorable husband and I love preparing warm tea--especially chai tea--on cold nights and it's something I definitely look forward to very much.

Something wonderful about both fall and winter is cuddling!  This coming fall will be our first fall as a married couple and I am definitely looking forward to staying in on cold, rainy nights, watching a movie all warm and cozy in our cute apartment.  Not quite as fun as cuddling is bundling up for a walk outside in the cold, maybe on one of those amazingly clear, chilly days we sometimes get here in Seattle in the winter.  Spotting the first pussy willows of the season every February is definitely a highlight for me as well because I love seeing the promise of the spring ahead right before my eyes in the form of a soft little plant I can pet!  Seeing the tiny buds beginning on all the trees is also a delight after a long winter.  The act of witnessing the beginning of this new growth shoots hopeful rays of light throughout my being every winter and I know that I've almost made it through another long winter and spring will come again.

So my real challenge is finding joy and love for the in-between--the waiting for spring to come, the aftermath of the fun, family-filled holiday season, the maintenance work of keeping our new year's intentions, all while the days feel extremely dark and dreary.  I think I'll create a new tradition for the last week in January to help motivate me and give me something real to look forward to and work towards.  What could it be?  Going trapeze flying again?  Doing an indoor (or outdoor) 5K walk at the end of January?  Travel to the little German town of Leavenworth in Cascade Mountains east of Seattle to the Icicle Fest?  Hosting an Anne of Green Gables movie marathon with the girls?

I think, for me, it helps immensely to always be working towards something, a secret little goal or a big, public dream--whatever it may be, the focus on forward motion helps inspire me.  And breaking big dreams into fun, little projects throughout the year, like this weekly blog I started this month, makes the forward motion even more obtainable.  So what will my project or tradition be during the dark, challenging months?  That is the question.  I'm grateful for this insight now, in August, before the cold darkness hits so I know what I need to creatively brainstorm about in order to be proactive for the coming fall and winter and make them joyful, love-filled seasons, just like my beloved spring and summer!

Frolicking Squirrels as Stress Relief

Tuesday Tranquil Time # 2:

Right now I’m sitting outside on our balcony in a comfy, round chair my mom gave us with Roo-Bear the cat sharing the chair with me, looking out at the sunshine peeking through the heart-shaped leaves of the big, beautiful trees shading our apartment.  For my Tranquil Time on this Tuesday, I’ve decided to rest and reflect after a tiring day.  

I felt ‘meh’ when I first came home today.  Do you know this feeling?  It’s when you’re too exhausted to really even think about anything.  It’s when you don’t even know what you want to eat or where you want to go, despite the beautiful sunshine shining brightly still after work.  It’s when you don’t feel like doing anything.

These kind of days can come to us all and sometimes serve as reminders for what is really important in our lives: love, family, friendship, kindness, nature, inspiring words and people, fresh air, having a warm roof over our heads.  So today I also choose to use my Tuesday Tranquil Time to remember all that I am grateful for and take time to feel this thankfulness deep down in my heart though long, peaceful breaths.

I also want to celebrate the ability to make choices.  I sometimes don’t appreciate this enough and I can feel overwhelmed by all the great opportunities out there at times.  But isn't it grand that we have choices?  That we can choose to go here or there or eat this or that or say one thing or not.  Today I chose to stay home and rest.  I really wanted to go for a hike because it's sunny and nice out, but my body told me to rest because I was physically and mentally exhausted after a long day.  

And while resting out on this peaceful balcony, Roo-Bear and I have been able to witness squirrels frolicking in the trees and taking flight to launch themselves onto the roof above our apartment.  How can one be ‘meh’ while watching frolicking squirrels?  It takes me right out of that state of mind and into a more creative, reflective, appreciative state.  And I am grateful for that.

How do you get rid of a ‘meh’ feeling when it visits you?

Tranquil Time Tuesdays

As I sit looking out at the Puget Sound hearing the waves lap at the shore and hearing the birds calling and boats buzzing by, I am stuck with extreme gratitude for living in such a beautiful world. The sun is shining and the weather is warm, a special treat for us Seattleites indeed and I have a little bit of free time to unwind after a busy day. I randomly decided to organize all the papers and ideas in my purse this afternoon to hopefully give me a better sense of control. I frequently am struck with a wide array of ideas but don't really have a good system in place yet for organizing all these ideas, so I took a trip to the dollar store after work and found a few purse-sized organizational tools I'm going to try. I haven't yet found a tool that works with my sometimes random thought patterns and flow, but it's important to try to gain some kind of control over my purse and ideas, so I'm trying. :) The warm sunshine on my face and cool breeze on my arms and breathtaking view for my eyes are helping inspire me to stay focused. Yet here I am writing this blog from my smart phone! I feel especially moved to write about my journey through wellness when I'm taking good care of myself, like right now. Taking a few minutes just for me to get organized, relax and take some sweet sea-scented breaths on a sunny summery afternoon helps me manage stress that has visited throughout the day and better prepares me for any unexpected stress in the near future. But I've learned that relaxing requires regular upkeep, like having to water a plant so it will keep looking fresh and healthy. This time to unwind is essential for my well-being and spirit. So here's a shout out to Tuesday...cheers to enjoying tranquil time today! 

How do you make tranquil time for your spirit?

On Top of The Mountain-One Year Post-Op

I feel incredibly joyful today to be free of pain & suffering, one year after my major open, abdominal, vascular surgery. The ability to take a nice shower and snuggle with my handsome husband this morning and help prepare a delicious brunch with friends are all things I am so grateful to be able to do today! Last year on this day I began my long and difficult road to recovery by choosing to correct my compressed renal vein which was causing me extreme pain, a rare condition called the Nutcracker Syndrome. I was not able to eat for days, take a normal shower for months, hug my beloved tightly for at least a month, walk upright for more than a month and many other complications, but all that got me to where I am now: pain-free and healed! And with the utmost gratitude and love for my amazing caregivers during that time, my mom and my now husband. And we have been married 4 months today! <3 So I'm choosing to use this post-op-iversary to relish in all of Life's simple and beautiful joys: hugs, snuggling, showers, brunch & hiking! We hiked to the top of the mountain in celebration this afternoon--to Cougar Mountain! I am so blessed!

A special gift my mom made me after my "Nut"cracker Syndrome surgery last year. 

Miracles of Mindfulness

Remembering what I learned at the recent Heart of Mindfulness retreat I attended at the beautiful Talaris Center in Seattle, presented by Erica Rayner-Horn, it's essential not to get caught up with preferences, of what I like or don’t like, what I want or don’t want, and instead accept what is right now in this moment and know and gain great relief from the fact that everything changes.  One great technique I also learned at the retreat is to take as many “mindfulness pauses” as I need throughout each day.  And to “perk up and lean in” rather than “tense and avoid.”  As I reflect on these wise teachings, I realize that I’m tensing and avoiding as I think about upcoming potential changes.  Instead I need to shift my perspective and become curious about the sensations happening in my mind, body and heart/spirit and perk up and lean into this feeling.  It’s counter-intuitive but I know that it’s important not to avoid uncomfortable things, but instead confront them and let them have their way with me so that I can let go and be free again.

Here are some specific examples of what I learned at this wonderful retreat:

• A review of what mindfulness is (the awareness that comes from paying attention in the present moment, in a non-judgmental way).
• Different methods to apply mindfulness to our daily lives, at work or at home: mindfulness pauses, daily meditation or deep breathing practice, body scan exercise, mindful walking and movement, mindful eating, slowing down to notice our feelings, sensations and surroundings.
• Suffering is equal to pain multiplied by resistance, and escalation plays a big role in suffering also. So much of suffering is because we’re not okay with what is, right now.
• Getting away from preferences or opposite “poles”--wanting or not wanting, liking or disliking and instead accepting what is right now in this moment.
• When faced with a difficult feeling or emotion, perk up and lean into it, rather than tense and avoid, which we tend to do naturally when afraid.
• Maintain a sense of openness and curiosity, especially when in physical or emotional pain, rather than tensing and anticipating something “bad” will happen.
• Release and let go of the constant need to judge things/people/events/memories/thoughts/emotions/feelings as good or bad; they just are.
• Accept what is, right now, knowing that change will always come.
• When triggered by stress, stop and take a mindfulness pause.
• Stay with the uncomfortable feeling and be aware.
• Bow to your experience and name it.  Label it and see how much easier it is to let it rest.
• Train yourself to notice your stress triggers faster and recognize how your mind, body and heart react.
• Note a particular thought or emotion and then release it or let it rest.  

Written June 20, 2013

My Nut Notes

My Nut Notes

Below are some of my notes and reflections on the Nutcracker Syndrome, otherwise known as renal vein entrapment.  I feel somewhat scattered and random about all my thoughts on the "Nut" but I hope these notes can possibly help someone else in the future when reading this blog. 

First of all, I should provide a definition and description of this syndrome to give my readers background information and better understanding of what's going on inside me.  From Wikipedia, "the nutcracker syndrome (NCS) results most commonly from the compression of the left renal vein between the abdominal aorta (AA) and superior mesenteric artery (SMA).  The name derives from the fact that the SMA and AA appear to be a nutcracker crushing a nut (the renal vein)."

After learning of my possible--now almost confirmed--extremely rare condition called the Nutcracker Syndrome back in February of this year, after the gastoenterologist sent me for a CT scan for what the ER doctor had called the month before “unidentified GI pain” that happened to return right around the same time of my menstrual cycle a month later, I felt overwhelmed and hoping it wasn’t this strange syndrome that had something to do with my kidney…my kidney?!  I was having lower abdominal pain way south of my left kidney.  I had been told I was really healthy.  So why was I having this extreme pain?  But when my gynecologist attempted to get rid of what he thought was endometriosis causing my symptoms, through a laparoscopy in late February, it came up void of any signs of endo but confirmed the presence of big-time varicosities over my left ovary, a very rare thing for a gal like me who hadn’t even had a baby yet.

So I stocked up on loose-fitting pants without zippers after the laparoscopy in February, thinking I’d only need them till I healed from the so-called “simple” laparoscopy day surgery, but I continue to use loose-fitting pants over 3 months later.  I noticed that when I feel achy pelvic pain coming on that can extend to my thigh and/or sciatica, sometimes I also feel a weird type of nausea that kind of overcomes me and makes me want to lie down and cry.  This feeling and type of pain I really struggle with and I’ve noticed it also makes it extremely difficult to stay positive.  I usually cry and feel hopeless when this type of pain hits.  This could be because I have tended to have this pain on the day when a stabbing pain attack occurs also and the memory of those attacks has traumatized me a bit.

The stabbing-in-my-uterus pain I’ve experienced hits once or twice on roughly Day 6 of my menstrual cycle ever since my first “attack” in January.  This is the kind of pain that sent me to the ER and urgent care center two months in a row.  This is the kind of pain that makes me cry out uncontrollably until I almost puke.  This is the kind of pain that makes me feel like God has prepared me well for labor.  When combined with nausea, it is literally UNBEARABLE.   Taking one vicodin with food and then a little later a half a pill seems to take away the stabbing feeling, and then I’m able to calm down but still left with the underlying pain.  I’m thinking valium could help calm me down quicker and then be able to breathe more deeply and not tense up as much.  Because my whole body can ache after an attack like that.

I have to believe that all this has happened when it happened for a good reason.  I believe a higher power, the Divine intervened and protected me from this pain until I was ready.  Even though I may not have felt quite ready to handle this pain when the first pain attack hit in January of this year, I was already physically fit, more emotionally stable after a tough and unexpected breakup and divorce in 2011, fully loved by a wonderful man, beautiful friends, amazing mom and supportive family and I had done many things I hadn’t even dreamed of doing in the past year, like pole dancing and burlesque performing.  I had begun to feel the weight of overactivity from the year before but I was beginning to center myself and try to be more balanced by caring for myself and having fun.  I also think that my stopping of the birth control pills I’d be taking since I was 16 because of extreme menstrual cramps back then and my weight loss may have contributed to the timing of the “Nut” surfacing (or resurfacing) in me.

I also have to trust that fixing the nutcrackering of my left renal vein will in turn relieve the pressure on my left ovarian vein and thus lower or eliminate the pain I am currently experiencing.  I know that for some women their varicose veins need to be tied off or coiled through embolization because they are too shot, but I have to trust what the vascular surgeon at the University of Washington, who sees 1-2 Nutcracker cases each year, says about my varicosities, that they are “unimpressive.”  This is positive!

I’ve become very “proactive” or as I may call it, obsessive lately about researching topics like: healing pain, chronic pain, managing stress and emotions, assertiveness, and anything to do with pelvic pain.  But I now feel inspired to share what I’ve learned or at least what I’ve experienced so far with the world, in hopes of helping someone in a similar predicament.  I think I’ve almost fully decided on going through with the open surgery, despite the 6-inch incision, 4-5 days in the hospital and at least 6 weeks of recovery.  It sounds like this is what’s best for my future, because my future includes having babies and being a momma.  If I only focus on my health and not on outside factors like being gone from work after taking on the supervisor role, the ugliness of a big scar down my newly skinny belly, the lack of energy that’ll come from surgery, the long recovery time, I think the open surgery is the best long-term solution.  I will not need to live my life in fear of the stent moving or live my life with constant pain whenever I try to dance or walk or stand for longer than a few minutes.  I just have to keep telling myself this, especially when the big surgery day comes and after when I’m healing slowly and starting to get antsy.  

Things that have helped me with my “Nut”

• Acupuncture and cranio-sacral therapy have allowed me to stand and walk around during my period for a couple of hours or more
• The heating pad is my friend and Castor Oil on a soft flannel with a plastic baggie over it and the heating pad on top is very soothing
• Soaking in Epsom salt baths has at least helped relax me and the magnesium is supposed to help minimize the bulging of varicose veins
• Envisioning and regarding my overworked, varicosed ovarian vein as “Vampirita” after watching the latest Twilight movie where Bella unconditionally loves her unborn vampire baby despite the baby sucking the life out of her
• Not being afraid of the pain and feeling strength in knowing or at least having a better idea of what (the heck) is actually going on inside me
• Affirmations have also definitely helped me come back to a positive outlook and attitude about my life when I feel like all hope has been lost or when I’m just plain frustrated, tired and in pain
• I've also been trying some different supplements to help improve circulation and to help decrease the bulging of internal varicose veins.  These are a few that the nice folks at Super Supplements recommended: Diosmin (a special bioflavonoid that strengthens the capillary walls), horse chestnut seed extract and butcher's broom root (both good for circulation and vein inflammation), Gotu Kola extract, celery seed extract, hesperidin (also good for regulating body temperature fluctuation), hawthorn and vitamin C
• I think following an anti-inflammatory diet might be helpful as well for general wellness and to help decrease the pain of inflammation
• Finding a supportive community of women who are going through similar struggles with their health called the Pelvic Congestion Syndrome Support Group, found on Facebook

Helpful links about the Nutcracker Syndrome

• Personal accounts of people suffering from the Nutcracker Syndrome: http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/220007/My-Nutcracker-Syndrome
• Description and images of the Nutcracker: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nutcracker_syndrome
• A different perspective and hypothesis on the Nutcracker: http://thinkccsvi.com/2012/01/20/lrv-youre-so-vein-you-probably-think-this-post-is-about-you/

I'd like to also include the names of doctors with experience treating the Nutcracker, as I have heard in some parts of the United States and other areas in the world, some doctors refuse to treat this syndrome because of its rarity and lack of information about it available.  My vascular surgeon, Dr. Mark Meissner at the University of Washington Vascular Center has treated various cases of the Nutracker Syndrome.  I feel very lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest where there are doctors who know about this rare condition.

If you are suffering from this rare condition, please don't give up hope. There are answers and solutions out there, but it does require a lot of patience and perseverance. Best of luck to you!