Permission to Choose Positive Thoughts

Today I began an e-course through the Oprah LifeClass series with Brene Brown. I am so grateful for this opportunity to re-visit Brene's amazing book, The Gifts of Imperfection (which I listened to in the car earlier this year after my mom gave me the book CD for Christmas) and express myself and my self-care exploration through art. I have admired art journaling, where the creators mix paint with collage and photos and now I'm finally doing it! I don't know when the last time I used watercolors, but I'm so glad I am doing it now. It's not intimidating at all once I get started, but for some reason, the thought of painting sounded messy to me before. Well, as Brene instructed us, I'm here to give myself the permission to get messy! Here is how I started out, with a blank page:

And here is my first creation on giving myself permission:

Then we were instructed to take a selfie with the following written on our hand, as a pledge to the process of loving our imperfect selves, I'm imperfect and I'm enough!

When I read the instructions to print out the photo, I felt a little push-back because I didn't want to go to the trouble of ordering a print from the store and going to pick it up. But luckily I remembered that we have a printer with some ink and I just printed out the picture I took. Voila!

For the final piece of the class, I wrote the names of people who I can be my imperfect self with and know I'll be loved for being me.

Over the next week, I'm going to think about courage, compassion and connection--the three keys to living wholeheartedly, talked about in Brene's book. I'm going to give myself permission to have fun, dream, try new things, make mistakes, love myself, be goofy, follow my own path, get messy, be my true self, and choose positive thoughts.



I'm going to affirm that I am imperfect and I am enough. That I am an artist by my own definition and on my own terms, and I have fun creating. I enjoy taking time for my self-care and wellness. I love exploring. And I'm lucky to have people in my life who love me no matter what, who love me for all my quirky, goofy, funny, perfect imperfections.

Remembering to Go To My Other Job Too--My Passion Project

I quickly sent an email to myself today and saw the little blurb at the bottom of the email that I created at the beginning of the year to really identify what I do with not only my paid profession but also my passion project, my purpose. I put: Certified Dependable Strengths Instructor, Creative Stress Management Blogger, and then my paid profession as an advisor-pre-college basic skills advisor earlier this year and now a college advisor for parents receiving cash assistance from the government.

Just being reminded of my forward thinking from earlier this year in naming what I really want to be "when I grow up," what I want to do much more of eventually, really helped me begin to detangle the funk I've been feeling over the last few months. I haven't been showing up for my passion jobs. I've been absent and I haven't been paying myself with the gift of balance and peace and inspiration that comes with following your dreams and making them actively happen, whether you get paid yet or not. 

I don't have to wait for some day, I want to lay the groundwork and get started now. And I have. I began doing this last summer when I started writing here regularly. Committing to bringing you a new blog post every week. Well, the past several months I have taken family leave to care for my wonderful and inspiring mom, who has always encouraged me to be creative. I am grateful beyond what words can express for her recovery and healing. 

As she moves forward, so must I. I know what I need and want to do next too. I want to submit some of my blogs to more well-known blogs to see if I can be a guest blogger. I intend to create the curriculum and pilot a workshop combing my love of collaging with the Dependable Strengths identification process. I am signed up for a 100-hour life coach training course to start in January. And I just registered for Brene Brown's e-course on art journaling based on her insightful book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

I used to view these ideas or projects or extracurricular activities of mine as mere hobbies, but now I see that they are part of both my personal AND professional development plan. They help shape me as a person, a writer, a creator, a facilitator, a coach, and someday soon I hope and pray as a mom--the most important profession I'll ever have.

So if you've been toying with an idea for awhile and don't know quite how to get started or take the leap, start by naming it. And identifying yourself with this dream, as if you're already doing it. The universe will respond in incredible ways and before you know it, you'll be already doing more of what you love. And that's what it's all about.

Finding the Cozy in a Soggy Day

As the marvelous, complex fall season approaches in Seattle, I find myself noticing how crisp and beautifully clear and colorful some days are and then I turn around and see rain and gray the next day. My hypothesis though is that if I pay attention to all the crisp days, then maybe there will be more of them than it seems. But then I get to thinking about all the rainy days. I had originally thought to call these days "soggy," but the language we use and tell ourselves is so important for our overall outlook in life. Lately I have found myself reading and hearing a lot about a benevolent universe, and I think it's making a positive difference in my subconscious and conscious thoughts today. "Cozy" is a much better word and invokes warm and soothing indoor activities in my mind and in my memories.

So ask yourself: is today (or this moment) crisp or cozy?

Here’s my Crisp or Cozy Challenge for this fall: 

• Record which days of fall are crisp, sunny days or have crisp sunbreaks and relish in the gifts of light and shadows.
• Then also appreciate the cozy/soggy days. These days are especially great for staying in and reading, resting, going through clutter, doing arts and crafts, drinking wine with loved ones, catching up with friends, etc.

“Surrender to what is. Say 'yes' to life—and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”  
~Eckhart Tolle

Gratitude is the Flashlight in the Cave

When I think about discomfort and emotional pain or angst, probably one of the worst culprits is self-criticism or self-judgment and not feeling adequate or being almost paralyzed by the fear of disapproval and what others will think. When I'm grounded and well-rested and have exercised the daily stress away, I can handle these fears with grace. But when I'm tired, scared, feeling alone, not knowing what to do or how to manage it all, and not having enough time to do my very best, I cave. I literally feel like I enter a cave of darkness, and pessimism and self-loathing take over my being. The only physical remedy when I'm so far into this cave is sleeping it off, or walking it off, but with a close friend so my thoughts won't wander off course and venture down Worry Lane anymore.

When I'm in that cave, I begin to have irrational thoughts of inadequency, that I'm not doing a good job, that I should be able to do better. I also wish my way into a darker corner of the cave, wishing circumstances were different, that I could win the lottery, that I could take time off and care for my dear sweet mom, who is recovering from a cerebral hemmorage of her cerebellum and is now home after a month in the hospital.

But that cave and those down-spiraling, de-centering thoughts don't help me feel stronger or more capable or more resilient. They only focus on what's wrong and not on all that's going well and all that there is to be grateful for. Gratitude is the flashlight in the cave. One of the only surefire ways to see my way out of the darkness. That's really what sleep and dreaming and walking and good company bring me back to: gratitude. 

So when you feel in despair and don't know what to do or don't know how you could possibly overcome all the obstacles or hardships turning you closer to the dark cave of self-criticism and negativity, try to combat that darkness with the light of gratitude. When I'm really deep into that cave though, this can be extremely difficult, but try to at least acknowledge the beauty of your surroundings or the love you feel for someone, the air you're breathing, the time--however short that you're taking to think of something to be grateful for, because the very starting of this change in view is key, and it's definitely a practice, not something that comes naturally when you're feeling overwhelmed. I wish it were, but practicing is a big part of life--it teaches us resilience and perseverance, the ability to develop more deeply what we decide to practice.

Living a more grateful life more often takes a lot of practice but you're almost guaranteed to feel better and filled with more light as a result. It guides us lovingly out of the cave of despair. And that's something to be very grateful for.

Finding the Shiny Bits Underneath the Pain

My body always finds a way to slow me down and give me rest.

I can't say quite yet that I'm grateful for my good ol' monthly pain reminder--I think I'm not quite that spiritually evolved--but I can say that it has great power in forcing me to rest and try to relax, or the pain will be exacerbated. Yesterday I learned that my amazing mom would be transferred to a rehabilitation center today. I have been going to the hospital to see her everyday since that scary day nearly two weeks ago when she passed out. 

Many have told me, including my mom, to have some fun and take care of myself, but I really was at a loss for how to do that, even though I have focused this very blog on wellness and self-care-related topics for over a year now. So now as I sit here waiting for one of my mom's cats to come home, who is not cooperating, and feel that familiar annoying pain again, I am trying to stay in the moment, breathe, enjoy the much needed time to rest, be with my mom's other kitties and keep them company, watch an exciting 20-year old movie (Speed--can you believe it came out 20 years ago?!), and be patient. And funny thing, aren't those some of the key ingredients to taking care of myself? 

So as I learn to show gratitude even for the times when I am in pain, I also recognize some of the lessons hidden among the folds of pain. I learn over and over again to focus on the moment, focus on my breath, focus on the importance of resting and not overdoing it, focus on the love of animals and nature, focus on simple enjoyment, and focus on practicing patience. 

After reflecting on all the lessons available in pain, I am starting to warm up to the idea of feeling a bit of gratitude for this monthly reminder to focus on myself and my body and my good. This could actually be a helpful exercise when facing any hardship or frustration. Look underneath the obvious discomfort and find the shiny lessons and wisdom to be gained from the experience. And remember, once learned doesn't necessarily mean you'll remember the next time. This is an exercise, like gratitude, that must be repeated regularly. 

What shiny wisdom can you find underneath your pain or discomfort?

Trying to Be Brave and Not Beating Myself Up When I'm Not

When did it become the ideal to show a tough face and not show any real emotions when your mom's having a health crisis? Isn't it just as wonderful to see how very much someone loves the person who is in crisis and how they let their emotions flow and their love surround that person? And wouldn't it be cool if your tears were interpreted as a sign of strength? Wouldn't it be neat to be applauded for how well you're dealing with a crisis by how much you're releasing your emotions and being okay with them, not fighting or repressing them?

I never imagined that these past 7 and a half months of daily practice would be preparing me for such a crisis. But a week ago tomorrow, my mom passed out and was rushed to the ER and then rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding in her brain. All my daily stressors seem so trivial when I think of the amount and kind of stress I've been under these past 7 days. But I also mustn't undermine my feelings or make comparisons like that, because stress is stress. And although I'd love to rant about how much I hate stress, that's not accepting that it exists, that it's a part of each of our lives, and that the best possible thing we can do is learn to accept what we're feeling when we're feeling it and then let it pass. 

Trouble can come when we don't let that stress pass through and it gets stuck somewhere inside us. As I learned in a meditation retreat I attended 3 years ago, act as if you're a maître de and usher it in, letting the stress pass right by you. Of course in my case, at the present time, the stress can't exactly pass right by--instead it's looking at me straight in the face, but I can at least recognize it, honor it, accept it, give it a hug, and then let it pass through me or breathe it out. If I reject it or pretend I'm not feeling it or act as others expect me to act or want me to act, then I'm not honoring my experience nor my feelings nor my reaction or response to given event, and I'm also not letting the stress pass through me. 

So I'm here to say that this is rough. I wax and wane. I'm not always strong. Sometimes I'm a wreck. It pains me so much to see my mom in pain. I hate leaving her every night, but I'm so so grateful for her excellent care in the ICU and I'm so so thankful for each and every baby step she makes towards recovery. I am proud that my love for her is so big and strong that it tears me up to see her suffer. I am glad I have the ability to express my feelings and not feel inclined to bottle them up and file them away inside me. I choose to release my emotions by expressing them and sharing them. I am so fortunate to have the love and support of my mom's many friends and our family. I am so honored to be this amazing and courageous woman's only daughter.

Blessings in Every Hurdle

August 6, 2014

I find myself asking, "What's wrong with me?" this morning as I lounge on the couch and am not motivated to do anything very productive. I hear the answer almost immediately, "You're tired, Marita." "You're exhausted. You're kind of burned out." My body has a way of slowing me down when I get caught up in the busy-ness of everyday life and forget to stop and rest and recharge enough. 

I took today off because it has been 2 years to the day since I had my open surgery. The surgery that cured my Nutcracker Syndrome and eventually, although it took way longer than anyone had anticipated because of an open wound aka. Sparkle, healed the chronic pain I had been living with in 2012. I was lucky though, doctors found a reason for this pain relatively quickly and I had the surgery eight short months after my first big pain attack occurred. Some people live for years with such pain. :(

As I typed this last paragraph, my mind flashed back to a pretty road on Whidbey Island where Geovanny and I visited on our first day trip together three years ago Sunday. :) I remember the excitement of new love and just beginning to get to know what a wonderful person this man is, this man who is now my husband. 

Young love on the ferry back from Whidbey Island, August 3rd of 2011 :)

I am moved to tears when I think of the incredible gifts I have received. I have jumped over a lot of hurdles but I am so blessed! For every hurdle, I believe there are at least five blessings wrapped up in it. As long as I take the time to see the little sparkly blessings, I know it's all been worth it.

On a day like today, I feel lucky to be able to get up out of bed on my own. (Tears again.) I feel lucky to take a shower. I feel lucky to eat almost anything I want and feel hungry when my body needs food. I feel lucky to walk upright. Lucky to go for a hike later today--my post-op-iversary tradition which started last year with summer hikes to Meadowdale Beach, Mt. Rainier and Cougar Mountain. Lucky to be able to go to the bathroom. (I know, TMI, but if you've ever had surgery, you know what I mean and it IS a big deal.) I feel lucky to feel hardly any pain. (I had cramps over the weekend and a headache the last two days, but it was manageable, uncomfortable yes but manageable, because I was still able to function and drive and visit with people and go to work and eat and go for a walk.)

One of our many hikes last summer to the magnificent Meadowdale Beach in Edmonds, WA (where I first started exercising again after my surgery)

After climbing as far as we could on Mt. Rainier, less than a year after my open abdominal surgery!

Cougar Mountain one year ago today for my first post-op-iversary hike with my love :)

So I'm throwing my "should do" list out the window and embracing the much needed rest of a day off. No matter what the reason for the day off, I am listening to my body right now, as the back of my head still pounds a bit, and acknowledging that I still need to rest. Other things can wait. I really won't be "productive" if I don't first take time to rest, relax and rejuvenate myself. 

Whenever my body calls out like this, I think I will start asking instead "How can I feed my body what she needs?" rather than "What is wrong with me?" Because there is nothing wrong with me. My body is working exactly as it should, by telling me when I've overdone it and when I'm in need of some good old fashioned R + R.

So for now, I'm celebrating this 2nd anniversary of my operation by writing this blog from the couch on my smart phone with the birds chirping outside and the kitty cats lying at my feet.

Gussy warming my feet :)

Roo Bear sleeping above me :)

I'm starting to feel better already. :) So thankful for therapeutic writing and for you reading this piece of my heart.

And today it has been 1 whole year since I started writing weekly wellness blogs and 7 months and counting of daily practice posts! 

Letting In Joy

Where has this month gone? I found myself asking earlier today. And then I started thinking about it. In learning a new job, family BBQs, pool time, morning nature walks, a few urban hikes, a Super moon, World Cup viewing parties, several collages made at home after work, some beautiful photographs, buying a new car, saving money, selling my dear Opie to a good home, going through some of the papers I’ve accumulated and feeling a little more ready for our upcoming move in the fall, losing 3 pounds, daily--or almost daily blog posts on joy and finding zeal and zest in life, a submission of writing and collage to a friend’s magazine and getting accepted, and signing up for and committing to a 100-hour coaching certification program to start in August! Wow! I’m on my way!

 

As I've had to practice letting go and trusting A LOT recently in the buying and selling of cars, I have also looked back on the last 2 years, since I first bought my Opie car and I now see how very far I've come on so many levels. It's sometimes hard to see when we're busy living our lives, day to day, but when we stop and look back, even if ever so briefly, a wider angle comes into focus and we can see growth and struggle and triumph and difficulty and love and change and joy and wisdom and hopefully a whole lot of fun and laughter with those we love. 

Life seems richer when I take the time to stop and look at who I am now. I'm proud of who I am. It's getting less and less scary to be who I really am. Being vulnerable can still be painful, but it's very healing to share my experiences with others, in hopes that the lessons I've learned may help someone else--and myself through taking the time to articulate and honor all of life. I think a big part of becoming ourselves is accepting everything about us, even what we don't particularly like yet. If we can really embrace our whole self and love ourselves unconditionally, then we can begin to spread that love wholeheartedly into the world.

This month I decided to focus on joy and adding more zest and zeal to life. I've found through this process that I don't always feel joyful and I must respect all my feelings. But in focusing on bringing forth more zeal to every day, it gets easier to bounce back from a difficult moment and smile again. That's the key.

So here is a collage of expressions of joy. I realized when creating this that many of the pictures I found as examples of sheer joy were taken by others. In a way it seems like the camera finds a way of catching me right when I'm laughing and being joyful, over and over again. I rarely take a "selfie" in this state. It's really all about being in the moment, away from my phone or camera, and feeling spontaneity and breathing in joy and mirth which is then expressed to the world through my big wide smiles. :-)

Striving for Good Enough

This past week I've felt a little bit better about my paper addiction by making some progress and even thinning down some of the piles. I have collected paper since I was a girl. I still have some papers from my childhood. Honestly I love paper. I can't deny it. I'm one of those people who can stare at the scrapbook paper at the craft store for a long time. But my collection has gotten a little out of hand and after moving twice in the past 2 years, I would have liked to have been more organized by now. So this week I think I finally got tired of complaining about not having enough time or energy to go through things. And a few mornings ago, I just started going through some papers in a box in our bedroom before I went to work. It wasn’t that sunny out so I didn’t feel as motivated to get to work early and go for a nice walk in the park like in previous weeks, so I instead went through some papers. I didn’t recycle anything or get rid of anything in that instant, but I at least started. Starting is half the battle, I’m finding! So let this be a reminder to my future self to just get started. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t even have to get finished. It just has to get started and keep restarting until it’s good enough. 

I'm striving for “Good Enough!” It's a new normal for me, as a recovering perfectionist. A more realistic and kinder way of living. A more compassionate process, rather than pushing myself to finish everything perfectly and completely the first try and feeling horribly when I don’t succeed. That’s not helping matters. It’s not helping me feel supported in my development. I am working on many personal growth projects right now and showing kindness to myself is probably the number one predictor of my future success and follow-through.  Life isn’t all about productivity. There are so many more interesting aspects of living. So many wonderful lessons to learn. Observations to be made. Love to share. Laughter to be had. Stories to tell. Tips to teach. Creativity to form!

And because of the small progress I made that morning, the next day I came home after an almost hourlong commute miraculously with enough motivation and energy to go through another box that had been sitting in the closet for almost a year. This time I separated things into different piles, deciding what was worth saving, what was worth photographing so that it could then be recycled, what was worth pitching, and what could be used in a future collage. :) It is a lot easier now that I'm collaging regularly to get rid of cute invitations and cards I had been saving, because I can now use the images and words that really inspire and resonate with me and give them a new life in a unique piece of art. :)

The pressure of having to go through EVERYTHING I've collected that sits in the closet, in the drawers, in boxes, in the bookcase, on the table is frankly too overwhelming. By striving for good enough instead and practicing self-compassion in the process, I can work on a small pile of papers that I pulled from one of the problem places and feel more accomplished going through that small pile than I ever did just staring at the daunting task as a whole before me. Breaking it down into little piles is manageable and helps me feel more successful. Also not focusing on finishing, and instead on getting started--over and over again--is much more realistic and doesn't overwhelm me as much. It takes the pressure off. The pressure to do a perfect job and finish going through years of paperwork in the blink of an eye. This is not going to be a quick process with me. I know myself. I love to relish in nostalgia from time to time. I love history. I love reminiscing. I was after all the historian of an honor society club back in high school. Not everything in life is a rush to the finish line. Many things in life turn out better and more enjoyable when taking our time.

So in order to seek progress rather than completion, I must celebrate each and every little victory. Each time I get started. And remember that life is a process, not a destination. Not everything in life is about completing something--so much of life's joys are found along the way as we step forward.

I'll leave you with some decluttering inspiration that serendipitously found me this very week on Facebook from author, Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Pick up an object. Ask self: 'Does this object fill me with a sense of light and possibility?' If yes, keep it. If not, throw that sh*t away." ~Liz Gilbert

The Little Girl Inside

I want to befriend the anxious little girl who lives inside me. I want her to know I love her and support her. I want to tell her that we are doing great and that we will be okay no matter what. But it's sometimes hard to get her messages. I find breathing deeply helps though. She also seems to remember she's ok and can enjoy life again when I'm moving or creating--through dance, photography, nature walks, hiking, collaging, making jewelry, planning workshops. When she is put in a stressful situation or feels pressure of any kind, she begins to tighten and churn. Sometimes only time can rid her of these sensations, even after moving and breathing deeply. This is why it's so important to remind her that these feelings of fear will change and we will once again feel the joy of life. Living in the moment is key but requires constant, LIFELONG commitment, daily practice and self-love, because with anything that you are practicing comes goof-ups and being hard on her is only going to exacerbate the anxiety.

I now see this little girl as beautiful and courageous and intelligent. She's the little girl I was when I was young. She's the part of me who was too scared to develop into an adult. And maybe that was her purpose all along, her intention, to help balance out the rest of my adult self in order to stay young and full of creativity, energy and hope. Because without this little girl, I wouldn't be able to experience the sheer joy of nature and love and life in the same way. I love skipping. I love feeling joyful. I love giggling. The little girl keeps me balanced and filled with zeal for life. After all, when I think about where the sensations of my joy are located in my physical body, more often than not they are in the same places where I feel the anxiety. Anxiety and excitement create virtually the same sensations for me, only one is associated with negative or scary thoughts and emotions and the other with joyful and positive thoughts, albeit sometimes scary too.

When I'm feeling joyful and excited about life, I welcome the scary parts and do the things that scare me anyway, which is where my courage is born. As I practice everyday, I will continue to tell the little girl inside me that she is amazing and talented and so brave and so loved. So needed. So joyful. She must only stop and breathe in that energy so that the situation can shift and the anxiety will dissipate with practice. It will never go away completely. We need anxiety for our safety sometimes but as we shift, we can lean towards excitement and zest for life instead, in order to train our thoughts and emotions to respond differently or shift and lean more quickly towards joy.