Meditations in Falling Off the Goal Wagon

A great deal of my thoughts, frustrations and energy have been dedicated throughout my life to feeling bad for falling off the “wagon.” I think I sometimes envision this wagon being a caravan filled with my hopes and dreams carrying me swiftly to my goal. So when I fall off of it and lose my way, stop doing the things I’ve committed to doing or not do them in the time frame I originally set up, I tend to feel really down. At least at first.  

Other times I start an “I don’t care” campaign in response to my falling off and apathy clouds my normally optimistic and hopeful disposition. In a way, this defiance can be an act of self-love, giving myself permission to give up the time-frame constraints I had originally imposed upon myself and allowing myself to be free and embrace a more impromptu way of living.  

I’ve struggled with these dueling ideas—plan, plan, plan for success and reaching my goals versus let it go, relax, don’t worry, I don’t care. But just now as I type this, another idea popped into my head. What if I stop struggling against my innate nature of planning and relaxing, and fully embrace these seemingly opposite traits to take a more positive stance? Could this taming of the duel inside be the key to peace? Isn’t the idea of envisioning our dreams and then releasing them the very basis for the famous Law of Attraction?  

Could there be a hidden nugget in my angst that I haven’t yet been accessing? I think so. And I’m intrigued. As an action-oriented planner and dreamer, this delights me that in my “laziness” I may have actually been cultivating something of value after all. Maybe all the time when I could have been “productive” and instead gave myself time to rest and “veg” on the couch or on Facebook was actually exactly what I needed to move forward.

Rest is required when on a journey. And setting out to reach our goals and dreams is quite a journey. So of course we need rest! In seeing my resting time as essential and valuable, I then give myself permission to take my sweet time, enjoy the view, reflect…or not, be human, and to gather my strength for the next lag of this incredible journey we call life. 

"You are on the path... exactly where you are meant to be right now... And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love." —Caroline Adams

Permission to Goof Off

I had an epiphany just now. For several years now, I have been feeling somewhat dissatisfied or maybe even guilty when I goof off, "waste time" or am not as productive as I had planned or hoped I'd be. Today though, in looking at my self-irritation, I want to give myself permission to goof off. Because in "goofing off," creativity is born. Rest is recovered. And I answer my soul's occasional calling. I'm going to be really honest here: I long to goof off! I am a self-identified recovering perfectionist, but I still strive to do my best almost always and I am a determined overachiever.

I am becoming aware of this though. And through awareness, I'm finding permission. I do not have to get everything done tonight. I do not have to get everything done even this week. Life is a continual process. Am I going to win a prize for rushing through life? For not taking time to do what I really want and goof off? Isn't the prize found in taking time for ourselves? Doing what really enjoy and having fun? So why not give myself the gift of some downtime? Okay, but let's be clear. For some reason, I can more easily give myself permission to dedicate an evening to "downtime," but when it involves totally scattered internet time, accompanied by more random dabblings with various projects, not to finish anything of "value," I have a harder time considering it downtime. Downtime has meant laying back and resting, maybe reading something, watching a funny TV show, taking a nap, talking with my husband. But being random hasn't really fallen into that category.

I've been resisting my randomness. I've tried to "fix" it or change it. But let's be honest here: I am naturally a random-abstract person and it's when my creativity shines. Society and my drive to always do my best has taught me to strive for some sort of order, but maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing. Is society's version of order what really makes the most sense to me? If goofing off brings me creative inspiration, isn't there some kind of unique order there somewhere? I know it's not your typical kind, but I get things done when I'm in the flow. And is life all about getting things done, or can we also just sit back and enjoy? Have fun? Goof off? Not be "productive"? Who is the judge of our productivity?

But to think of it, I have been dueling with myself over this for some time now. My goofing off has won over many times but not without leaving me feeling anxious or like I'm somehow failing, not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Who makes these rules though? Why can't I recreate the definition for success? Why can't I recreate how I view my time?

Last month in my life coaching class, our amazing instructor, Richard Seaman talked about the importance of balancing doing with being. And I crave just "being." But I also have a drive for "doing" and achieving and being productive, checking things off my list. It's almost like I reward myself for getting things "done," but do I reward myself equally when I just am? When I gift myself the dedicated time to "be"?

I challenge myself to consider this gift to myself now. Because I am, at my core, worthy of all the love in the world, whether I check the things off on my to-do list, or not. I am worthy of all the love in the world just because I am. Nothing is required. It's that simple, and yet that complicated to believe, embody, and live this truth. But I am up for the challenge. It almost feels like when I first started meditating. It felt like such a struggle to just sit and close my eyes at first, but now I long for it. I long for the peace it brings me. For the delicious silence it invokes.

So will you join me in forming a habit of just "being"?

Nothing needs to be "done" about it. Just be you. And embrace your amazing, incredible self with all your heart!

xo

Even Superwoman Takes Breaks

Here is a piece I wrote back on October 21st that I haven't had a chance to post yet on the importance of taking breaks, AND not feeling guilty about it. It's an important topic that I need to remember.

I think a really important lesson in life for me is learning to take time to recharge and refresh without feeling guilty. Learning to put myself above work needs or others' needs is a real challenge for me but it is also so important to learn.

I used to work with a smoker who would escape every few hours for a smoke break and I remember having an epiphany one day to take non-smoking breaks--quick breaks outside to breathe in the fresh air or take a few moments to stretch and refresh myself.

In my new workplace, there don't seem to be any smokers so the reminder to take my non-smoking breaks hasn't been quite as apparent. But my body reminds me. My restless, creatively energetic spirit reminds me, if I remember to tune into my own channel and listen within.

It's like what I practiced in my art journaling class last week with Brene Brown--permission slips. Giving myself permission to rest. To take breaks. (I'm writing this on my phone and the autocorrect keeps changing "breaks" to "breaths" which is very insightful for a smart phone, don't you think?) 

I bet even Superwoman takes breaks!

There are little ways to take breaks throughout the day too. I just stirred my coffee and then saw a pretty swirling design in the reflection of the coffee. It's the moments of mindfulness throughout our days that make life more beautiful. Life is always beautiful, it's always waiting for us to notice its immense beauty in the seemingly simple things. Well, I don't think life is waiting but our souls are waiting for us to notice all the beauty around us. 

Like this morning, a rainy morning, a bit dark still when I left for work, and yet I saw a beautiful reflection on the wet road that the red stoplights made. It's how we look at everyday things. How we choose to see them. How we change our focus and give ourselves permission to take the time to enjoy our surroundings and gaze at the beauty before us. That is what helps rejuvenate my soul.

Permission to Choose Positive Thoughts

Today I began an e-course through the Oprah LifeClass series with Brene Brown. I am so grateful for this opportunity to re-visit Brene's amazing book, The Gifts of Imperfection (which I listened to in the car earlier this year after my mom gave me the book CD for Christmas) and express myself and my self-care exploration through art. I have admired art journaling, where the creators mix paint with collage and photos and now I'm finally doing it! I don't know when the last time I used watercolors, but I'm so glad I am doing it now. It's not intimidating at all once I get started, but for some reason, the thought of painting sounded messy to me before. Well, as Brene instructed us, I'm here to give myself the permission to get messy! Here is how I started out, with a blank page:

And here is my first creation on giving myself permission:

Then we were instructed to take a selfie with the following written on our hand, as a pledge to the process of loving our imperfect selves, I'm imperfect and I'm enough!

When I read the instructions to print out the photo, I felt a little push-back because I didn't want to go to the trouble of ordering a print from the store and going to pick it up. But luckily I remembered that we have a printer with some ink and I just printed out the picture I took. Voila!

For the final piece of the class, I wrote the names of people who I can be my imperfect self with and know I'll be loved for being me.

Over the next week, I'm going to think about courage, compassion and connection--the three keys to living wholeheartedly, talked about in Brene's book. I'm going to give myself permission to have fun, dream, try new things, make mistakes, love myself, be goofy, follow my own path, get messy, be my true self, and choose positive thoughts.



I'm going to affirm that I am imperfect and I am enough. That I am an artist by my own definition and on my own terms, and I have fun creating. I enjoy taking time for my self-care and wellness. I love exploring. And I'm lucky to have people in my life who love me no matter what, who love me for all my quirky, goofy, funny, perfect imperfections.