Permission to Goof Off

I had an epiphany just now. For several years now, I have been feeling somewhat dissatisfied or maybe even guilty when I goof off, "waste time" or am not as productive as I had planned or hoped I'd be. Today though, in looking at my self-irritation, I want to give myself permission to goof off. Because in "goofing off," creativity is born. Rest is recovered. And I answer my soul's occasional calling. I'm going to be really honest here: I long to goof off! I am a self-identified recovering perfectionist, but I still strive to do my best almost always and I am a determined overachiever.

I am becoming aware of this though. And through awareness, I'm finding permission. I do not have to get everything done tonight. I do not have to get everything done even this week. Life is a continual process. Am I going to win a prize for rushing through life? For not taking time to do what I really want and goof off? Isn't the prize found in taking time for ourselves? Doing what really enjoy and having fun? So why not give myself the gift of some downtime? Okay, but let's be clear. For some reason, I can more easily give myself permission to dedicate an evening to "downtime," but when it involves totally scattered internet time, accompanied by more random dabblings with various projects, not to finish anything of "value," I have a harder time considering it downtime. Downtime has meant laying back and resting, maybe reading something, watching a funny TV show, taking a nap, talking with my husband. But being random hasn't really fallen into that category.

I've been resisting my randomness. I've tried to "fix" it or change it. But let's be honest here: I am naturally a random-abstract person and it's when my creativity shines. Society and my drive to always do my best has taught me to strive for some sort of order, but maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing. Is society's version of order what really makes the most sense to me? If goofing off brings me creative inspiration, isn't there some kind of unique order there somewhere? I know it's not your typical kind, but I get things done when I'm in the flow. And is life all about getting things done, or can we also just sit back and enjoy? Have fun? Goof off? Not be "productive"? Who is the judge of our productivity?

But to think of it, I have been dueling with myself over this for some time now. My goofing off has won over many times but not without leaving me feeling anxious or like I'm somehow failing, not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Who makes these rules though? Why can't I recreate the definition for success? Why can't I recreate how I view my time?

Last month in my life coaching class, our amazing instructor, Richard Seaman talked about the importance of balancing doing with being. And I crave just "being." But I also have a drive for "doing" and achieving and being productive, checking things off my list. It's almost like I reward myself for getting things "done," but do I reward myself equally when I just am? When I gift myself the dedicated time to "be"?

I challenge myself to consider this gift to myself now. Because I am, at my core, worthy of all the love in the world, whether I check the things off on my to-do list, or not. I am worthy of all the love in the world just because I am. Nothing is required. It's that simple, and yet that complicated to believe, embody, and live this truth. But I am up for the challenge. It almost feels like when I first started meditating. It felt like such a struggle to just sit and close my eyes at first, but now I long for it. I long for the peace it brings me. For the delicious silence it invokes.

So will you join me in forming a habit of just "being"?

Nothing needs to be "done" about it. Just be you. And embrace your amazing, incredible self with all your heart!

xo

Recognizing My Wings

I went through an amazing transformation about 3 years ago, when my whole life--everything as I knew it--was flipped upside down by a surprise end to a 10-year relationship.  I look back on my healing process in awe now and how I literally came out of my shell and found my wings.  I followed a lot of great advice, followed my heart, gave my creativity time to thrive through regularly dancing and dancing in many different forms—zumba, belly dancing, pole dancing, burlesque dancing, salsa dancing, you name it!—spent a great deal of quality bonding time with friends for support, fun and inspiration, and grew spiritually, because I remained open to all the changes happening and I remained hopeful that one of my life’s most precious goals of becoming a mother and having a family would still happen, despite turning 32 when all this happened.  If I let the gremlins take over, as Brene Brown calls them, I would think that there wasn’t possibly enough time to meet someone new, grow as a couple, get married, and start a family before I got "too old."  But deep down, I KNEW in my heart and soul that it WAS possible and that I would be a mother and create a family.  And lo and behold, as my wings grew bigger and even more brilliant and beautiful, and my self-esteem thrived amidst my creativity and budding friendships, I met my future husband and father of my children. I believed it, and it happened.  We were married just 2 years after first meeting and have now been married 10 months.  We are hoping to start a family later this year.  My vision is becoming reality!

While dating and growing as a couple, we went through some very serious health trials—4 surgeries, one of which being major, abdominal surgery to fix a vein that had been compressed near my left kidney, and causing daily achiness and pain whenever I danced or walked—two of my most favorite pastimes and stress relievers. My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, nursed me back to health, coming to my mom’s house where I was recovering to change my surgical wound’s dressings, because it got infected and was tracking, so A LOT of pain and suffering occurred after that surgery, but A LOT of unconditional love occurred too, both from my husband and my dear mother, who fed me and took care of me for a month after the surgery and then took turns with my husband changing my wound's dressings for several more months.  I knew without a doubt while going through that health crisis that I had found my soulmate and my future husband.  After my wound healed, we got engaged a few months later and were married 6 weeks after our engagement!  It was a truly magical time, filled with family and close friends, creativity and planning, and coming together to create the most love-filled wedding day.

Since then, we have been adjusting to living together, since we didn’t move in together until after our wedding, and learning about each other at a deeper level.  On a personal level, I have still not fully recovered emotionally from all the health crises I went through two years ago.  All of last year, physically, was dedicated about regaining my strength and energy, but I struggled constantly to keep up with my old ways of dancing regularly and walking all the time.  I can dance and walk now.  But I don’t do it as regularly as I used to or as much as I’d like to.  I think I have a lot is fear of feeling pain again, since my favorite activities triggered the pain and achiness and nausea when I was going through my health crises.  And I’m afraid I’ve fallen out of the habit of exercising daily.  I still crave it, but now I feel frustrated and almost desperate to find a way to be active daily again.  I try to go for walks at lunchtime and I do mini-yoga sessions in my living room from time to time, but nothing as regular and as invigorating as my zumba and other dance classes from 3 years ago.  I know A LOT of my healing process and healing secrets from that time were through my dancing.  I gained a sense of confidence that I hadn’t had in a long time and I also opened up through the process of dancing. After nearly every zumba session, I would feel inspired to write and write about some epiphany or important reflection that came to me during the dancing.  I miss that.  I feel almost disappointed with myself for not having kept up with it.  But my inner voice chimes in and reminds me that I physically COULDN’T for quite awhile, due to the pain triggers and then surgery recovery, which was much longer than anyone had anticipated because of the surgical infection and prolonged wound recovery.  Four months of open wound care can take it out of you.  It felt at times as if it sucked the energy and life force out of me.

I think what has happened is that my beautiful, brilliant wings became transparent during my health crisis and recovery, and although I can’t see them as easily now, I must learn to recognize them again. Recognize my incredible journey.  Recognize how far I’ve come and all I’ve been through and learned to get here.  Be kind to myself. Love myself.  Love my transparent wings.  Love my indented scar. Love my rolly belly.  Love my moods and how they can swing from one day or moment to the next.  Love my joy.  Love my enthusiasm and excitement and ZEST for life when it comes to me, sometimes all of the sudden, like a big bolt of positive, fun energy! Even love my fearful nature.  Even love my anxiousness about the unknown.  Love and accept ALL the parts of me, not just the beautiful, which are easier to love, but the painful and difficult parts as well, where the love is needed the most.

I went to a wonderful talk at the Seattle Life Coach Training school last Friday and the inspiring speaker, Sherra Grasser quoted the school's founder, Richard Seaman in his upcoming book, with a profound statement: "Apply LOVE {here}."

Apply LOVE {here}. {There}.  {Everywhere}.

Start small.  And follow my own advice.  I desperately want to get back into being active again and dancing. But I also know that it’s not practical or realistic to think I can just jump back into my 2-3 times a week at the gym for zumba schedule again.  I need to start small. Something though.  Tonight before cooking or going through boxes or writing this blog or even relaxing and vegging on the couch, I needed and most importantly WANTED to try a dance workout on TV in my living room, and I DID IT! 20 minutes of belly dancing felt so energizing and empowering! And I've hung my belly dancing coin scarf, that I wore around my waist for extra motivation, by the thermostat so it is clearly visible and will remind me to try a little belly dancing every night after work.

Start small.

Apply love everywhere.

Recognize the richness of my journey.

Love my transparent wings.