3 Ways to Transform Mommy Guilt

Disclaimer: Even if you're not a parent, these tips can be helpful in transforming any nagging, pesky feelings like anxiety, other kinds of guilt, or plain old stress. 

8 and a half months into this amazing and wild journey of motherhood and I'm beginning to see how detrimental a thing called “mommy guilt” can be. If you're a mom or know someone who is a mom really well, then you probably know what I'm talking about. All those parenting books, “helpful” tips and pediatric association recommendations have wonderful intentions, but for those of us trying to do our absolute best with little sleep (or in my case, interrupted night sleep every few hours to dream feed) and high expectations and hopes for our incredible little humans we're raising, the pressure to get everything “right” can feel unbearable at times and downright paralyzing.

When I was pregnant, I got a few books to begin “preparing” for motherhood but all the facts and information overwhelmed me and I knew that wasn't the way I was going to figure things out. Trusting in my natural ability to mother was my intention and challenge. My husband and I thankfully took an empowering childbirth ed class called Birthing From Within, which focused more on our emotional preparation than on facts and information overload. That was the style that resonated most with me. I didn't feel as much pressure to do things perfectly and it was really good preparation for the days, weeks and months that would follow with our baby girl.

But the darker days of winter arrived a few months after my baby girl was born, lack of uninterrupted sleep compiled and post-inaugural angst mixed with postpartum hormones and I slowly found myself easily overwhelmed, highly anxious, and at times feeling underprepared and inadequate at being a mother. It's a truly awful feeling to not know what to do next when you know time is flying by faster than ever and you don't want to miss a precious second with your growing and changing little one.

I think I went through a clingy phase just like my daughter experiences now. I grew her inside me and she was attached to me nursing for practically three months straight so I can see how hard it is for our babies to accept the fact we are separate beings because I had a hard time getting used to it too.

And then you begin to get used to being separated for a little bit longer, perhaps to get some self-care time in while your partner gets bonding time with the baby or if you decide to go back to work. But that realization can feel a bit depressing because you miss being so connected to another human being, to who you grew inside you. And wanting time for yourself can trigger the pesky “mommy guilt” alarm in your head...”What if my baby purple cries while I'm away?” And maybe even harder yet, “What if she doesn't miss me? What if she does just fine?”

And then my milk comes in and my baby instinctively knows it and that intuitive, almost spiritual connection is felt again.

So how to transform Mommy guilt, that is the question. I like to enlist 3 of my favorite remedies that work for a lot of what ails me.

Apply these everyday if you can (or at least at first as often as you remember):

• A dose of MINDFULNESS--staying in the present moment and relishing in what you’re doing right now, in this instance (rather than dwelling in what you should have done or could have done if you’d known more, been smarter, read more, had more money, etc. etc. etc.) helps ground you and with grounding, you regain your footing and don’t feel as wobbly. Feeling secure in what’s happening in this moment is so important in building back our intuition and confidence.
• Daily GRATITUDE--remembering regularly how truly grateful you are for this precious human being you’ve brought into the world--it’s a kind of gratitude that is almost beyond words, I’ve found, but it’s necessary to reflect on it each day and dwell in thankfulness each day. And if it’s a really hard day, focusing on the air you’re breathing, on the roof over your head, and the bed you sleep in also help us soak up feelings of gratefulness. Those feelings are what fill our hearts back up when we are tired and/or feeling depleted emotionally from “mommy guilt.”
• More CREATIVITY--unleashing your creative side by doing something you love to do helps bring you into the present by focusing on that one thing, helps build back your confidence in yourself because you’re doing something you enjoy and grows your intuitive nature in the process as you create something new and reconnect with your joy. Trust me, I know there’s not a lot of time between naps and early (or late) bedtimes, but finding a little bit of time to create something at least each week will help. And it can be as simple or complicated as trying a new recipe, ripping up paper and making a quick mosaic or mini collage/vision board, coloring (inside or outside the lines!), singing, taking pictures, knitting, dancing, writing, whatever it is that you enjoyed creating before you created a beautiful little human.

When we feel more grounded and our intuition and confidence are back up, we can better tackle nasty things like “mommy guilt.” We’ll recognize the nagging feelings more quickly and apply any and all of these remedies to them before they get the better of us.

If you need support, I became a certified transformational life coach to be able to help inspire people on their journeys to greater wellness, creativity and joy for life. I’m happy to help. Send me a note on my sister site here, even if just to say hola!

If you're sleep deprived and just barely getting through this blog post, know at least this: you are IMPORTANT and it is necessary for us to praise all the AMAZING things we do and treat ourselves with the same KINDNESS we offer to our sweet babies or other people's sweet babies.

With love and gratitude,

Maret

Embracing My Inner Amateur

Today after a long, dark, rainy drive, I met a kindred spirit friend for the Edmonds Art Walk and we had such a nice time. Art and bring with artistic people is a great cure of the grumpiness traffic can create. :) I felt inspired to try drawing again and even though I looked up pictures online for inspiration and guidance, the idea came to me as I hugged my friend good bye in the rain. I couldn't quite figure out how to draw a hug but I'm practicing self-compassion, vulnerability, courage, and no judgment of my art so I can work on that another day. 

"Every artist was first an amateur."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Remembering Gratitude, Courage and Vulnerability

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."  ~Brene Brown

It's hard to believe sometimes but in a little less than a month, it will have been two years since my surgery. Sometimes it feels like much longer ago than that. Other times, I feel like it could have happened just last week when the traumatic memories of agony and pain come flooding back all the sudden. Thankfully this doesn't happen very often anymore. But I have discovered how very sensitive I am to memories. And I think this led me to a recent epiphany. What if instead of remembering automatically all the difficult, painful, and sad feelings I experienced during that time in my life, I choose to remember and retrain myself to focus on the feelings of elation that I felt right after I woke up from surgery. When I think back of the euphoria I felt in that moment, how relieved and incredibly grateful I was right after I awoke from surgery, after I asked if the surgery had been successful, if the doctors had been able to move my left renal vein away from my aorta, which had been compressing my renal vein to the point of extreme pain and a network of internal varicose veins above my left ovary, and that my vein had not collapsed, gracias a Dios, my heart grows and I remember all the outpouring of love and support I received from family and friends and the amazing dedication and unconditional love and honor that my mother and my husband gave me before, during and after my surgery and long road to recovery. 

This is essential in reframing our past. In not being afraid to "go there" when remembering of a particular time in our life. I don't want to be afraid to think about the time when I fought the Nutcracker Syndrome and won! I want to feel proud! And grateful! I don't want to feel bitter and angry about all the time and energy I lost as a result of the surgical infection I got. I want to remember what an awesome job the doctors did do of transporting my delicate vein to a safer location inside me, so that now nearly 2 years later, I can do pretty much whatever my heart desires. I am no longer held back by physical limitations or pain. Only by the fear of remembering. Only by my own self-doubt. Only by the lack of practice. But those are things I can control. I can reframe what I remember of this period in my life. I can gain confidence when I remember how much courage and strength I showed during that time. And I can get back out there and start moving more again, getting back into the habit of exercising and practicing whatever my heart desires. Little by little. Like I've been doing with my writing this year.

So my nugget that I take away from this epiphany is that if I find myself going back in time and remembering something--whether it be a wonderful memory or a painful one--I must challenge myself to look around in there for just one moment when I felt grateful or loved or joy, and remember that moment above all others. I did not feel a lot of joy during my recovery. I did not have a lot of fun, even though my dear mom would take me to beautiful, lovely places to cheer me up. (I love you, Mom! You are my hero!) I did not always remember how incredibly grateful I was for having a successful surgery, because I was under so much distress from a painful recovery. But now that I have been fully recovered for 1 year and 7 months (because it took me 4 full months to heal the wound left from the infection, aka. Sparkle) and I can look back on all this from a distance, I choose to realize and own my own strength, courage, gratitude, faith, love, and tenacity. 

I sometimes foresee the wisdom and goodness I will gain from a challenge before I actually go through a difficult time. Kind of like seeing yourself at the finish line before you have even started training to run the marathon. And this has helped me move through challenging times with the comfort and faith that I will grow into myself more deeply, practice vulnerability and open my heart up to receive all the love that comes to me, and be able to touch more lives in the end.

Thank you for reading my words. I would love to hear your stories of courage. Share below or on my Facebook page or email me at maritakane@gmail.com.

Dear Pain

I had the privilege to write for my surgery sister, Elizabeth Katherine's blog recently and I wanted to share what I wrote her as well. This post was part of a series of "Letters to Pain" that Elizabeth Katherine featured this past month. You can read more about her journey on her blog, These Next 6 Months.

Dear Pain,

Since your chronic onset several years ago, I have done all I can to avoid you and get rid of you and this past year after having surgery, try to block you from my mind and not to think about you as much. But lately I have been reading about leaning into all of Life’s experiences and I realize that just as much as I want to lean into joyous moments, I must also learn to lean into difficult circumstances as well, and show kindness and compassion to even my inner critic or anxious thoughts or scared feelings or stabbing pain.

It has taken me a long time and a lot of reading and a lot of reflection to get to this point, and I’m far from mastering the “leaning in” tactic. I still find myself resisting the pain I experience, generally and thankfully only one or two days a month now, but this can also be applied to emotional pain, painful memories, and the trauma of what I have been through—of the hell I visited with stabbing pain, chronic achiness, major surgery, and open wounds.  When I feel myself squinch my face up and tense my entire body up, I am more aware now that I’m trying to fight the pain I’m feeling. Which seems totally logical, doesn’t it? Why wouldn’t we want to fight painful feelings? I’ve been taught to fight back, not bow down and let something take me over.

But from reading more about vulnerability and self-compassion from the great thinkers like Pema Chodron and Brene Brown, I am realizing that surrendering is very powerful and has VERY powerful effects on pain. I heard once at a 5-day silent meditation retreat that I went to several years ago that we should welcome ALL feelings into our being, like guests, but also know that they won’t be staying forever. The Guesthouse by Rumi is a wonderful poem about this.  I also love the quote from Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (aka. SARK) which reads: “I’m learning to hold the little hands of those scared parts inside of myself, and just sit with them. They love this.” I want to challenge myself to try this even with pain. Because pain, for me, is connected to fear.

Quite frankly, I am afraid of pain. Always have been. I don’t like it. I feel so vulnerable—there’s that word again. So maybe something to try is to become more comfortable with feeling vulnerable.  I have a sticky note on my computer screen which reads “Perk up and lean in.” I heard it at a 2-day mindfulness training I attended last June. I love the metaphorical image it creates in my mind. I picture my kitty cat leaning into me so lovingly. I picture myself leaning into my beloved husband, trusting him completely and openly. I picture my future babies leaning into me with all the love in the world. I want to get to the point where I can lean into ALL circumstances and feelings I experience. It will definitely be a challenge, but I think even baby steps towards this will slowly add up and begin to build up my acceptance of vulnerability and pain and fear.

I cannot tell you how much reading and research I’ve done in search of a way of getting rid of fear, only to find out that the secret is actually to lean into it and befriend it, or at the very least acknowledge its existence and hold its hand. It is quite comforting when I do this.

Now the trick is to remember this the next time I experience pain.  My husband does a wonderful job reminding me to breathe and showing me unconditional love. Sometimes holding my kitty cat and hearing her purr soothes me and reminds me to slow down my breath.  Sometimes I begin to pray and ask for help from the Divine.

I think I will remember to lean in during difficult, painful times if I begin to practice leaning in with uncomfortable feelings that are less painful.  I have several weeks to go before my pain will return to pay me its now monthly visit, so I think I ought to start practicing with some of Life’s daily annoyances now.

But I also want to and must practice self-compassion, because when pain comes, if I don’t remember to lean in, if I get angry again with the pain, if I don’t feel very mindful in those desperate moments, I can at least show myself kindness and not judge myself for not feeling very graceful under these circumstances. We do the best we can and I certainly wouldn’t yell at a good friend for crying out in pain, so why don’t I extend that same kindness and compassion to myself?  Self-compassion is definitely a daily practice thing as well, so taking little steps to show myself more kindness may help me remember to be kind in moments when I don’t feel very graceful.

May I remember to show myself kindness in challenging moments, in all moments for that matter.  May I remember to lean in and make all my feelings feel welcome, rather than tense up and step away from the pain.

Respectfully and lovingly,

Maret

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi,

translation by Coleman Barks

Vulnerability As Strength

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." 
~Brene Brown

I’m just going to put this out there: opening up in my writing and publishing these pieces on my blog is pretty scary at times.  Being vulnerable to possible criticism, misunderstanding, anger, pain is a real challenge.  But I have realized through past posts that the times I am most vulnerable and open in my writing are the posts my readers most enjoy.  It is compelling to read someone’s honesty, to see inside someone’s heart.  It can be rare to be given that opportunity.  There has been a lot of buzz about the word and concept of vulnerability lately, thanks to Brene Brown’s amazing work.  (I am super excited and grateful that my dear mom gifted me two of Brene Brown’s books yesterday!  If you haven’t heard of Brene Brown’s work, please check out her website here.)  

I feel a lot of resistance to being vulnerable sometimes, especially because of past hurts.  I’m trying really hard to let these painful memories go so I can free up space for new light and joy in my life.  Holding on to them weighs me down and makes me feel heavy and closed off to the world.  I want to feel open and passionate.  Having your guard up is a natural protection mechanism but it doesn’t bring any joy into your life.  It only stops everything from coming in.  I have been very adamant about remaining open despite getting hurt, but it is easier said than done sometimes, especially when you receive multiple blows and forget to stay centered, or in my case, your center is literally cut open.  This has affected me immensely.  More than I can describe in words.  

I have to reframe how I view what happened to me last year in a more positive light though, because thinking my spirit has been kind of broken from all the pain and suffering endured does not help me move forward and shed all the layers of painful memories from my back.  Only when I focus on all the strength and wisdom and awareness I have gained from the experience can I then begin to put one foot forward and then the other, slowly but at least in a forward direction again.  I must stop turning around to look over my shoulder at all that has happened.  And instead look at where I am right now, in this instant.  If I look too far forward into the future, fear can paralyze also, so my challenge is to stay in the moment.  Enjoy the present.  Be grateful for where I am right now.  Find peace in my heart that everything is going as planned.  Have faith that I am strong enough to handle anything with grace and love.  

I so want to embody this quote by Rumi:

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."  

My physical wound from last year has been healed for one year now.  The emotional trauma however is taking longer to get past, but as Rumi said, it is where the light comes in.  If you let the opening in your armor just be and sit with it, trusting everything will be okay and not fighting the fact that it exists, incredible things can occur in your life.  A light far greater than you could ever imagine can fill your heart and soul and transform the way you think and perceive life.  

I recently listened to a talk at Center for Spiritual Living online and Kathianne Lewis said that angels manifest in our lives whenever we have high thoughts or thoughts of greater awareness--epiphanies as I like to call them.  So even when we feel that we are not moving forward as much as we would like to, perhaps physically if we have had health challenges or with our life goals, if we are having these high thoughts and understanding humanity or ourselves a little better, we are being supported by these angels in our lives who help us understand what is happening and recognize the grace in each situation.  And through this divine assistance, we are growing and changing and moving forward as spiritual beings.

I will leave you with one more quote on vulnerability:

You don’t always have to be strong.

You don’t always have to fight off those tears.

Sometimes it’s good to let them flow and let it go.

All your holding back can just keep building it all up.

It’s alright not to have it all figured out yet.

Give it time to unfold.

~Karen Salmansohn

Chipping Away at the Walls Around Us

Have you ever felt stuck and couldn't quite figure out why?

Sometimes we find ourselves going along in life, growing and changing and enjoying the process and then all of the sudden, we feel like we've hit a rut.  Why?

There is a chance that we may have at some point on the journey been hurt or fearful or betrayed and begun to put up a wall somewhere in our life to protect us from the outside world and sometimes even from ourselves, maybe without even realizing we did so.  In order to move forward again in our life, we need to start chipping away at that wall, brick by brick until we feel it start to budge a little--or a lot, if we're lucky.  Even a slight move can be enough to jumpstart our enthusiasm and get us out of the slump we were stuck in.

How, you might ask, can we move the walls we've put up around us?

I think we can literally start moving our physical bodies and get out of our heads in order to start wiggling the protective wall.  Probably for some, running works.  For others, dancing.  (That has been my experience in the past.)  For me, most recently, it was yoga set to joyful music and reflective writing.

But why would we even want to jiggle this wall out of place that has been supposedly "protecting" us from harm?  That may sound kind of scary, like taking the shell off of a snail.  Ah, but this is where the richness of life lies.  Once we wiggle free from this wall that's been holding us in place, we can begin to feel life again.  We may feel some sadness or confusion or frustration at first but with time and reflection, we can realize greater vulnerability in our relationships with ourselves and our loved ones and a greater understanding and appreciation of our situation and our journey.

For me, the first step is recognizing I have constructed this wall in the first place.  With awareness comes understanding and thankfully wisdom to start chipping away at the protective wall that is not only keeping away potential dangers but also potential joys.  I noticed that I had this tough wall up around me this past weekend while attending a workshop on fear.  This one-of-a-kind workshop was held in a yoga studio and involved many creative activities, such as writing, singing, dancing, doing yoga while singing, listening to joyful music and reflecting and sharing on some very deep and important topics.  This was also the first time I tried yoga since my surgery last year and I am happy to report that I was able to do most things, although I did feel some interesting sensations around my scar during the child's pose, normally my favorite yoga pose.  But I noticed the sensation and stuck with it, which was important for me in beginning to regain my courage and take back my former zest for life before my surgery last year.  This inspiring yoga/writing workshop on fear was created and presented by the amazing Jennifer Pastiloff.

In the process of writing and reflecting on what moves us and who we're grateful for in life, I realized I did not feel as moved as I normally would with such a powerful topic.  And my first reaction was, what is wrong with me?  Why do I feel so cold?  But I quickly realized that this "coldness" was the wall I had put up to protect me from past hurts and that this wall was preventing me from feeling my true, joyful, emotional self.  Just by recognizing this, I began to warm a little.  Not as much as I normally would, but that is why I use the word "budge" and "wiggle" because after constructing such a strong, protective wall up around you, it takes hard work to knock it down.  We must begin to first wiggle and nudge it out of its secure location so that we can begin to move forward again and feel fresh and energetic and hopeful again.  Even one brick chipped from the wall can make a world of a difference if we are aware of the progress we've made in taking that brick down.  Because we are the ones who are responsible for its construction and demolition.  We have the power to take down the walls around us so that we can truly experience life and love with our hearts wide open.


To read more about how important being vulnerable truly is, I highly recommend reading about Brene Brown's work, Pema Chodron's writing, any of my favorite creative author, Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)'s books or take an awe-inspiring workshop on manifestation from Jennifer Pastiloff.