Remembering Gratitude, Courage and Vulnerability

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."  ~Brene Brown

It's hard to believe sometimes but in a little less than a month, it will have been two years since my surgery. Sometimes it feels like much longer ago than that. Other times, I feel like it could have happened just last week when the traumatic memories of agony and pain come flooding back all the sudden. Thankfully this doesn't happen very often anymore. But I have discovered how very sensitive I am to memories. And I think this led me to a recent epiphany. What if instead of remembering automatically all the difficult, painful, and sad feelings I experienced during that time in my life, I choose to remember and retrain myself to focus on the feelings of elation that I felt right after I woke up from surgery. When I think back of the euphoria I felt in that moment, how relieved and incredibly grateful I was right after I awoke from surgery, after I asked if the surgery had been successful, if the doctors had been able to move my left renal vein away from my aorta, which had been compressing my renal vein to the point of extreme pain and a network of internal varicose veins above my left ovary, and that my vein had not collapsed, gracias a Dios, my heart grows and I remember all the outpouring of love and support I received from family and friends and the amazing dedication and unconditional love and honor that my mother and my husband gave me before, during and after my surgery and long road to recovery. 

This is essential in reframing our past. In not being afraid to "go there" when remembering of a particular time in our life. I don't want to be afraid to think about the time when I fought the Nutcracker Syndrome and won! I want to feel proud! And grateful! I don't want to feel bitter and angry about all the time and energy I lost as a result of the surgical infection I got. I want to remember what an awesome job the doctors did do of transporting my delicate vein to a safer location inside me, so that now nearly 2 years later, I can do pretty much whatever my heart desires. I am no longer held back by physical limitations or pain. Only by the fear of remembering. Only by my own self-doubt. Only by the lack of practice. But those are things I can control. I can reframe what I remember of this period in my life. I can gain confidence when I remember how much courage and strength I showed during that time. And I can get back out there and start moving more again, getting back into the habit of exercising and practicing whatever my heart desires. Little by little. Like I've been doing with my writing this year.

So my nugget that I take away from this epiphany is that if I find myself going back in time and remembering something--whether it be a wonderful memory or a painful one--I must challenge myself to look around in there for just one moment when I felt grateful or loved or joy, and remember that moment above all others. I did not feel a lot of joy during my recovery. I did not have a lot of fun, even though my dear mom would take me to beautiful, lovely places to cheer me up. (I love you, Mom! You are my hero!) I did not always remember how incredibly grateful I was for having a successful surgery, because I was under so much distress from a painful recovery. But now that I have been fully recovered for 1 year and 7 months (because it took me 4 full months to heal the wound left from the infection, aka. Sparkle) and I can look back on all this from a distance, I choose to realize and own my own strength, courage, gratitude, faith, love, and tenacity. 

I sometimes foresee the wisdom and goodness I will gain from a challenge before I actually go through a difficult time. Kind of like seeing yourself at the finish line before you have even started training to run the marathon. And this has helped me move through challenging times with the comfort and faith that I will grow into myself more deeply, practice vulnerability and open my heart up to receive all the love that comes to me, and be able to touch more lives in the end.

Thank you for reading my words. I would love to hear your stories of courage. Share below or on my Facebook page or email me at maritakane@gmail.com.

Turning Gray Clouds into Blue Sky

Focus on the blue sky, whenever possible, no matter what's happening, no matter how gray it might be outside. This thought came to me earlier today when I looked outside through the rain-stained windows and saw a tiny piece of blue popping through. Thank goodness for the tiny glimmers of sunshine! And guess what? The blue sky broke through later on and all the gray and rain went away. Just like how our moods can change when we take a minute to breathe and assess all that's good in our lives. 

Do you ever feel overwhelmed? I know I do sometimes! I recently participated in the 21-Day Meditation Challenge offered for free by Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra and learned a wonderful tool that I whip out now when I begin to feel that dreaded overwhelming gray cloud (called stress or fear or anything that's bothering you really) drawing near.

It's quite simple but I have found it very helpful in getting back to the present and remembering to take one breathe at a time. Oprah and Deepak wrote, "Pause. Assess. Reframe. Choose love." That's it. That's really all I need to do to start feeling calmer, more confident, more patient, more loving, more grateful and ready again for anything that comes my way.

I decided to turn these four steps into some hand motions to help me remember them better and return to a calm way of being when stress starts to knock on the door of my soul. Remembering helpful things like this is so important, yet sometimes really hard to do when you start to feel stressed. So making it into something more tactile has helped remind me to follow these steps. It's a learning process though, as with all things, and of course I haven't mastered this yet. So it's practice, practice, practice for me!

Please note that I changed a few of the words to better suit my needs.

Here's how it goes:

Breathe.

Take one big deep cleansing breath to start.

Assess.

Then look around a few times to "assess" the situation and recognize that I'm okay, I'm not in danger, and Life is actually quite good in this precise moment.

Recenter (and Reframe).

Next cross one leg over the other while standing and bow slightly with palms of the hands placed together at the Heart Center (called tree pose in yoga, I think). This helps me regain my balance, grounds me and "recenters" my core, ultimately making it easier to "reframe" the current situation causing me stress.

Choose Love.

And finally, place hands over heart to remember to choose Love. Always for myself first and then spread that neverending love outward into the world.

It's a quiet exercise I can do quite easily in the restroom or stairwell or even while on a walk, and it helps me recenter myself on the present and focus on the goal, which is always LOVE.

And I think love is a great metaphor for blue skies and sunshine, don't you?

I'm writing this from my favorite blogging spot, on a peaceful bench overlooking the Puget Sound, just a few minutes from our home--so grateful--with the sun warming my face, the sea breeze cooling me, the blue skies inspiring me and the calm waters soothing my soul. This is peace.