Learning to love even the darkness

Recently the weather in the Seattle area has begun to shift slightly-the days are a little bit shorter, the nights a little bit crisper and the gray skies have returned more often than during the rest of this summer.  I'm struck with my automatic thought to despise the end of summer and dread the coming of the colder, darker, rainier days.  This year I would like to challenge this automatic thought of mine and since the changing of the seasons is inevitable, actually look forward to the autumn and winter seasons through a more positive, yet still sincere lens.

So yesterday I asked myself this question, "What do I love about each season?"  And "what do I look forward to every year during each season?"  Spring and Summer are my favorite seasons so it's extremely easy for me to come up with lists upon lists of my favorite things about these two sunnier, brighter seasons.  But what about the two seasons that are more challenging for me?

My first thought, because of the chillier nights these past few weeks, is how much I love wearing a different scarf each day.  When the colder months arrive, I no longer accessorize with necklaces as much as with scarves and boy is it fun!  I also love wearing tall boots again with leg warmers in the fall and winter!  But apart from clothing changes, I also look forward each year to the crunching of fallen autumn leaves on the ground during my sometimes rainy nature walks, which I try to take part in all year round if possible.  This is one of the Tranquil Times I relish in and also a way for me to be creative with my nature photography and keep up my exercise during busy times.  Speaking of photography, I love standing below trees during the fall and admiring all the bright reds and oranges and yellows of the leaves before they fall.  I never tire of taking photographs of the exquisite Autumn colors in the Pacific Northwest where I live.

Now for the hardest season for me--winter!  This took some real thought and creativity to come up with  the things I like about winter and what I look forward to during the winter months.  I always imagine the soft white snow falling so quietly and closing schools and workplaces, because this is such a peaceful event, if you don't have to drive on the icy, snowy roads around here and can just stay home and play.  But let's be honest--this only happens at best one or two times maximum each year and sometimes not at all so I really needed to come up with more than just hopes for a winter wonderland this coming winter.  So what else?  Going to the gym no longer seems like a waste of sunshine because it's dark out by the time I'm off work most of the winter.  So that's a positive way to view the darkness.  I also enjoy settling in at home more during the winter months to work on crafts like making earrings--my best friend, Andrea and I made about 30 pairs of earrings last November in preparation for a holiday craft fair at my work!  I'm motivated to try cooking yummy soup recipes during the cold winter and so is my wonderful mom who likes to share her soup creations every fall and winter.  My adorable husband and I love preparing warm tea--especially chai tea--on cold nights and it's something I definitely look forward to very much.

Something wonderful about both fall and winter is cuddling!  This coming fall will be our first fall as a married couple and I am definitely looking forward to staying in on cold, rainy nights, watching a movie all warm and cozy in our cute apartment.  Not quite as fun as cuddling is bundling up for a walk outside in the cold, maybe on one of those amazingly clear, chilly days we sometimes get here in Seattle in the winter.  Spotting the first pussy willows of the season every February is definitely a highlight for me as well because I love seeing the promise of the spring ahead right before my eyes in the form of a soft little plant I can pet!  Seeing the tiny buds beginning on all the trees is also a delight after a long winter.  The act of witnessing the beginning of this new growth shoots hopeful rays of light throughout my being every winter and I know that I've almost made it through another long winter and spring will come again.

So my real challenge is finding joy and love for the in-between--the waiting for spring to come, the aftermath of the fun, family-filled holiday season, the maintenance work of keeping our new year's intentions, all while the days feel extremely dark and dreary.  I think I'll create a new tradition for the last week in January to help motivate me and give me something real to look forward to and work towards.  What could it be?  Going trapeze flying again?  Doing an indoor (or outdoor) 5K walk at the end of January?  Travel to the little German town of Leavenworth in Cascade Mountains east of Seattle to the Icicle Fest?  Hosting an Anne of Green Gables movie marathon with the girls?

I think, for me, it helps immensely to always be working towards something, a secret little goal or a big, public dream--whatever it may be, the focus on forward motion helps inspire me.  And breaking big dreams into fun, little projects throughout the year, like this weekly blog I started this month, makes the forward motion even more obtainable.  So what will my project or tradition be during the dark, challenging months?  That is the question.  I'm grateful for this insight now, in August, before the cold darkness hits so I know what I need to creatively brainstorm about in order to be proactive for the coming fall and winter and make them joyful, love-filled seasons, just like my beloved spring and summer!

Frolicking Squirrels as Stress Relief

Tuesday Tranquil Time # 2:

Right now I’m sitting outside on our balcony in a comfy, round chair my mom gave us with Roo-Bear the cat sharing the chair with me, looking out at the sunshine peeking through the heart-shaped leaves of the big, beautiful trees shading our apartment.  For my Tranquil Time on this Tuesday, I’ve decided to rest and reflect after a tiring day.  

I felt ‘meh’ when I first came home today.  Do you know this feeling?  It’s when you’re too exhausted to really even think about anything.  It’s when you don’t even know what you want to eat or where you want to go, despite the beautiful sunshine shining brightly still after work.  It’s when you don’t feel like doing anything.

These kind of days can come to us all and sometimes serve as reminders for what is really important in our lives: love, family, friendship, kindness, nature, inspiring words and people, fresh air, having a warm roof over our heads.  So today I also choose to use my Tuesday Tranquil Time to remember all that I am grateful for and take time to feel this thankfulness deep down in my heart though long, peaceful breaths.

I also want to celebrate the ability to make choices.  I sometimes don’t appreciate this enough and I can feel overwhelmed by all the great opportunities out there at times.  But isn't it grand that we have choices?  That we can choose to go here or there or eat this or that or say one thing or not.  Today I chose to stay home and rest.  I really wanted to go for a hike because it's sunny and nice out, but my body told me to rest because I was physically and mentally exhausted after a long day.  

And while resting out on this peaceful balcony, Roo-Bear and I have been able to witness squirrels frolicking in the trees and taking flight to launch themselves onto the roof above our apartment.  How can one be ‘meh’ while watching frolicking squirrels?  It takes me right out of that state of mind and into a more creative, reflective, appreciative state.  And I am grateful for that.

How do you get rid of a ‘meh’ feeling when it visits you?

Tranquil Time Tuesdays

As I sit looking out at the Puget Sound hearing the waves lap at the shore and hearing the birds calling and boats buzzing by, I am stuck with extreme gratitude for living in such a beautiful world. The sun is shining and the weather is warm, a special treat for us Seattleites indeed and I have a little bit of free time to unwind after a busy day. I randomly decided to organize all the papers and ideas in my purse this afternoon to hopefully give me a better sense of control. I frequently am struck with a wide array of ideas but don't really have a good system in place yet for organizing all these ideas, so I took a trip to the dollar store after work and found a few purse-sized organizational tools I'm going to try. I haven't yet found a tool that works with my sometimes random thought patterns and flow, but it's important to try to gain some kind of control over my purse and ideas, so I'm trying. :) The warm sunshine on my face and cool breeze on my arms and breathtaking view for my eyes are helping inspire me to stay focused. Yet here I am writing this blog from my smart phone! I feel especially moved to write about my journey through wellness when I'm taking good care of myself, like right now. Taking a few minutes just for me to get organized, relax and take some sweet sea-scented breaths on a sunny summery afternoon helps me manage stress that has visited throughout the day and better prepares me for any unexpected stress in the near future. But I've learned that relaxing requires regular upkeep, like having to water a plant so it will keep looking fresh and healthy. This time to unwind is essential for my well-being and spirit. So here's a shout out to Tuesday...cheers to enjoying tranquil time today! 

How do you make tranquil time for your spirit?

On Top of The Mountain-One Year Post-Op

I feel incredibly joyful today to be free of pain & suffering, one year after my major open, abdominal, vascular surgery. The ability to take a nice shower and snuggle with my handsome husband this morning and help prepare a delicious brunch with friends are all things I am so grateful to be able to do today! Last year on this day I began my long and difficult road to recovery by choosing to correct my compressed renal vein which was causing me extreme pain, a rare condition called the Nutcracker Syndrome. I was not able to eat for days, take a normal shower for months, hug my beloved tightly for at least a month, walk upright for more than a month and many other complications, but all that got me to where I am now: pain-free and healed! And with the utmost gratitude and love for my amazing caregivers during that time, my mom and my now husband. And we have been married 4 months today! <3 So I'm choosing to use this post-op-iversary to relish in all of Life's simple and beautiful joys: hugs, snuggling, showers, brunch & hiking! We hiked to the top of the mountain in celebration this afternoon--to Cougar Mountain! I am so blessed!

A special gift my mom made me after my "Nut"cracker Syndrome surgery last year. 

Miracles of Mindfulness

Remembering what I learned at the recent Heart of Mindfulness retreat I attended at the beautiful Talaris Center in Seattle, presented by Erica Rayner-Horn, it's essential not to get caught up with preferences, of what I like or don’t like, what I want or don’t want, and instead accept what is right now in this moment and know and gain great relief from the fact that everything changes.  One great technique I also learned at the retreat is to take as many “mindfulness pauses” as I need throughout each day.  And to “perk up and lean in” rather than “tense and avoid.”  As I reflect on these wise teachings, I realize that I’m tensing and avoiding as I think about upcoming potential changes.  Instead I need to shift my perspective and become curious about the sensations happening in my mind, body and heart/spirit and perk up and lean into this feeling.  It’s counter-intuitive but I know that it’s important not to avoid uncomfortable things, but instead confront them and let them have their way with me so that I can let go and be free again.

Here are some specific examples of what I learned at this wonderful retreat:

• A review of what mindfulness is (the awareness that comes from paying attention in the present moment, in a non-judgmental way).
• Different methods to apply mindfulness to our daily lives, at work or at home: mindfulness pauses, daily meditation or deep breathing practice, body scan exercise, mindful walking and movement, mindful eating, slowing down to notice our feelings, sensations and surroundings.
• Suffering is equal to pain multiplied by resistance, and escalation plays a big role in suffering also. So much of suffering is because we’re not okay with what is, right now.
• Getting away from preferences or opposite “poles”--wanting or not wanting, liking or disliking and instead accepting what is right now in this moment.
• When faced with a difficult feeling or emotion, perk up and lean into it, rather than tense and avoid, which we tend to do naturally when afraid.
• Maintain a sense of openness and curiosity, especially when in physical or emotional pain, rather than tensing and anticipating something “bad” will happen.
• Release and let go of the constant need to judge things/people/events/memories/thoughts/emotions/feelings as good or bad; they just are.
• Accept what is, right now, knowing that change will always come.
• When triggered by stress, stop and take a mindfulness pause.
• Stay with the uncomfortable feeling and be aware.
• Bow to your experience and name it.  Label it and see how much easier it is to let it rest.
• Train yourself to notice your stress triggers faster and recognize how your mind, body and heart react.
• Note a particular thought or emotion and then release it or let it rest.  

Written June 20, 2013

My Nut Notes

My Nut Notes

Below are some of my notes and reflections on the Nutcracker Syndrome, otherwise known as renal vein entrapment.  I feel somewhat scattered and random about all my thoughts on the "Nut" but I hope these notes can possibly help someone else in the future when reading this blog. 

First of all, I should provide a definition and description of this syndrome to give my readers background information and better understanding of what's going on inside me.  From Wikipedia, "the nutcracker syndrome (NCS) results most commonly from the compression of the left renal vein between the abdominal aorta (AA) and superior mesenteric artery (SMA).  The name derives from the fact that the SMA and AA appear to be a nutcracker crushing a nut (the renal vein)."

After learning of my possible--now almost confirmed--extremely rare condition called the Nutcracker Syndrome back in February of this year, after the gastoenterologist sent me for a CT scan for what the ER doctor had called the month before “unidentified GI pain” that happened to return right around the same time of my menstrual cycle a month later, I felt overwhelmed and hoping it wasn’t this strange syndrome that had something to do with my kidney…my kidney?!  I was having lower abdominal pain way south of my left kidney.  I had been told I was really healthy.  So why was I having this extreme pain?  But when my gynecologist attempted to get rid of what he thought was endometriosis causing my symptoms, through a laparoscopy in late February, it came up void of any signs of endo but confirmed the presence of big-time varicosities over my left ovary, a very rare thing for a gal like me who hadn’t even had a baby yet.

So I stocked up on loose-fitting pants without zippers after the laparoscopy in February, thinking I’d only need them till I healed from the so-called “simple” laparoscopy day surgery, but I continue to use loose-fitting pants over 3 months later.  I noticed that when I feel achy pelvic pain coming on that can extend to my thigh and/or sciatica, sometimes I also feel a weird type of nausea that kind of overcomes me and makes me want to lie down and cry.  This feeling and type of pain I really struggle with and I’ve noticed it also makes it extremely difficult to stay positive.  I usually cry and feel hopeless when this type of pain hits.  This could be because I have tended to have this pain on the day when a stabbing pain attack occurs also and the memory of those attacks has traumatized me a bit.

The stabbing-in-my-uterus pain I’ve experienced hits once or twice on roughly Day 6 of my menstrual cycle ever since my first “attack” in January.  This is the kind of pain that sent me to the ER and urgent care center two months in a row.  This is the kind of pain that makes me cry out uncontrollably until I almost puke.  This is the kind of pain that makes me feel like God has prepared me well for labor.  When combined with nausea, it is literally UNBEARABLE.   Taking one vicodin with food and then a little later a half a pill seems to take away the stabbing feeling, and then I’m able to calm down but still left with the underlying pain.  I’m thinking valium could help calm me down quicker and then be able to breathe more deeply and not tense up as much.  Because my whole body can ache after an attack like that.

I have to believe that all this has happened when it happened for a good reason.  I believe a higher power, the Divine intervened and protected me from this pain until I was ready.  Even though I may not have felt quite ready to handle this pain when the first pain attack hit in January of this year, I was already physically fit, more emotionally stable after a tough and unexpected breakup and divorce in 2011, fully loved by a wonderful man, beautiful friends, amazing mom and supportive family and I had done many things I hadn’t even dreamed of doing in the past year, like pole dancing and burlesque performing.  I had begun to feel the weight of overactivity from the year before but I was beginning to center myself and try to be more balanced by caring for myself and having fun.  I also think that my stopping of the birth control pills I’d be taking since I was 16 because of extreme menstrual cramps back then and my weight loss may have contributed to the timing of the “Nut” surfacing (or resurfacing) in me.

I also have to trust that fixing the nutcrackering of my left renal vein will in turn relieve the pressure on my left ovarian vein and thus lower or eliminate the pain I am currently experiencing.  I know that for some women their varicose veins need to be tied off or coiled through embolization because they are too shot, but I have to trust what the vascular surgeon at the University of Washington, who sees 1-2 Nutcracker cases each year, says about my varicosities, that they are “unimpressive.”  This is positive!

I’ve become very “proactive” or as I may call it, obsessive lately about researching topics like: healing pain, chronic pain, managing stress and emotions, assertiveness, and anything to do with pelvic pain.  But I now feel inspired to share what I’ve learned or at least what I’ve experienced so far with the world, in hopes of helping someone in a similar predicament.  I think I’ve almost fully decided on going through with the open surgery, despite the 6-inch incision, 4-5 days in the hospital and at least 6 weeks of recovery.  It sounds like this is what’s best for my future, because my future includes having babies and being a momma.  If I only focus on my health and not on outside factors like being gone from work after taking on the supervisor role, the ugliness of a big scar down my newly skinny belly, the lack of energy that’ll come from surgery, the long recovery time, I think the open surgery is the best long-term solution.  I will not need to live my life in fear of the stent moving or live my life with constant pain whenever I try to dance or walk or stand for longer than a few minutes.  I just have to keep telling myself this, especially when the big surgery day comes and after when I’m healing slowly and starting to get antsy.  

Things that have helped me with my “Nut”

• Acupuncture and cranio-sacral therapy have allowed me to stand and walk around during my period for a couple of hours or more
• The heating pad is my friend and Castor Oil on a soft flannel with a plastic baggie over it and the heating pad on top is very soothing
• Soaking in Epsom salt baths has at least helped relax me and the magnesium is supposed to help minimize the bulging of varicose veins
• Envisioning and regarding my overworked, varicosed ovarian vein as “Vampirita” after watching the latest Twilight movie where Bella unconditionally loves her unborn vampire baby despite the baby sucking the life out of her
• Not being afraid of the pain and feeling strength in knowing or at least having a better idea of what (the heck) is actually going on inside me
• Affirmations have also definitely helped me come back to a positive outlook and attitude about my life when I feel like all hope has been lost or when I’m just plain frustrated, tired and in pain
• I've also been trying some different supplements to help improve circulation and to help decrease the bulging of internal varicose veins.  These are a few that the nice folks at Super Supplements recommended: Diosmin (a special bioflavonoid that strengthens the capillary walls), horse chestnut seed extract and butcher's broom root (both good for circulation and vein inflammation), Gotu Kola extract, celery seed extract, hesperidin (also good for regulating body temperature fluctuation), hawthorn and vitamin C
• I think following an anti-inflammatory diet might be helpful as well for general wellness and to help decrease the pain of inflammation
• Finding a supportive community of women who are going through similar struggles with their health called the Pelvic Congestion Syndrome Support Group, found on Facebook

Helpful links about the Nutcracker Syndrome

• Personal accounts of people suffering from the Nutcracker Syndrome: http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/220007/My-Nutcracker-Syndrome
• Description and images of the Nutcracker: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nutcracker_syndrome
• A different perspective and hypothesis on the Nutcracker: http://thinkccsvi.com/2012/01/20/lrv-youre-so-vein-you-probably-think-this-post-is-about-you/

I'd like to also include the names of doctors with experience treating the Nutcracker, as I have heard in some parts of the United States and other areas in the world, some doctors refuse to treat this syndrome because of its rarity and lack of information about it available.  My vascular surgeon, Dr. Mark Meissner at the University of Washington Vascular Center has treated various cases of the Nutracker Syndrome.  I feel very lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest where there are doctors who know about this rare condition.

If you are suffering from this rare condition, please don't give up hope. There are answers and solutions out there, but it does require a lot of patience and perseverance. Best of luck to you!

2011’s Lesson: Finding Love Within

I feel like a new woman today, one year after the man who I’d been with for 11 years told me out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore. I feel like the weight of this first year on my own has lifted and I can focus on my beautiful present and amazing future. I want to release all the pain and anger and just let what happened fade into memory now. I’ve analyzed, brainstormed, reflected and expressed what went wrong and why what happened between my ex and me needed to happen for me to become the woman I am supposed to be. So now I can release all that, let it go and give it to the cosmos and to God and really be present now to enjoy and appreciate all that I have.

I was reminded of this feeling of being a new woman in a dance class at the gym today, because one year ago next week, I went to the same dance class and caught a glimpse of how I would feel and what my life might be like in this new life filled with love and not fear. It’s hard to describe in words but the feeling I had in that glimpse was so powerful that it kept me going this past year, especially during the very difficult times. I reflect on why I may have felt that way so soon after my ex told me how he truly felt about me, and I realize now that it was empowerment and control over my life and my love that I felt that day after dance class one year ago. I caught a glimpse of how it feels to not be trapped in a love that is one-sided and can’t possibly give you what you truly need and desire, to not be dependent on someone else’s love or feel scared that they might not love you as much as you love them, that they might leave you but you’re too afraid to even talk about these real fears at risk they may come true.

It’s empowerment to not depend on a man to make me feel loved. It’s control to no longer believe that I won’t exist without this person’s love or that I cannot be happy or fulfilled in life without this person’s love. I now know with my heart, my big, beautiful, fragile, caring, tender, wide-open heart—or at least I’m learning—that I am worthy of love, of all the LOVE in the world, just for being me, just for being born, just for being my mother’s daughter, just for being one of Mother Nature’s and God’s children. I repeat: I AM WORTHY! I do not have to prove this to anyone or be afraid that this love will be taken away, because this LOVE resides inside me, and always will! God put this love in my heart when I was designed and created. I have just now discovered it and found the awe-inspiring, earth-shaking, powerful, wonderful, life-changing love inside ME! And I now know that through the process of getting my heart broken, I was able to find this love inside me. Sometimes you have to have your heart broken to find out that LOVE—true, beautiful, everlasting love—resides inside you, not outside.

What an incredibly powerful lesson to have learned this year and even more importantly to have realized and expressed, so that now I can truly appreciate the journey I’m on, where I’ve come from and where I am now. Wow! It’s an incredible feeling! Everything seems brighter or crisper or clearer in a way. To really believe or know in my heart that I will always be okay, that I will always survive, no matter what, is so inspiring. And to know that no loss of someone else’s love can take away the love inside me lets me finally rest in the faith I have been seeking this past year. This truly feels like I am discovering and recognizing faith, faith in the love that God designed for me, for each of us, that’s a part of our DNA, a part of our soul. NO ONE can take that from us!

Written on December 20, 2011 for my friend and co-worker, Kathy Jenkins's wonderful blog, Lessons from the Monk I Married. You can see my guest blog post on her site at: http://www.lessonsfromthemonkimarried.blogspot.com/2012/01/31-writers-31-lessons-lesson-17-find.html

Wise and Inspiring Quotes that Heal

In the past few months, life has given me the opportunity to start anew, reconnect with wonderful friends who truly love me, grow spiritually and begin to seek inner guidance from my own Divine self. I have learned that I have the skills needed to rebuild my life and become a stronger woman in the process of healing my heart. Below are some of the quotes that I have found in a variety of places that have brought me comfort in the present moment and also hope for a bright future. I hope they will help others as much as they have helped, touched and inspired me.


When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one. --Paul Brunton

I open new doors to Life. I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. --From www.vitalaffirmations.com

I am positive, hopeful, and optimistic that I am on my authentic path in life. --From www.healmybrokenheart.com/positiveaffirmations

Para muitos, ser feliz nao e questao de destino. E de escolha. --Leonardo Boff

True happiness is not "out there" but a presence of inspiration and love that we must reconnect with inside ourselves. --Gabrielle Bernstein

We don't know what life will bring, so it is waht we bring to life that matters. --Patricia Campbell Carlson

Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy? --From The Course Of Miracles

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. --Mark Twain

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. --Victor Frankl

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls, to arrive at its destination full of hope. –-Maya Angelou

Embora ninguem possa voltar atras e fazer um novo começo, qualquer um pode começar agora e fazer um novo fim. --Chico Xavier

Fall in Love or fall in hate, Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or a lie. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine Chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breath. And enjoy the ride... --Solbeam

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything they have. --Unknown

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. -- Unknown

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The Village The Beads Built: BeadforLife

I feel so proud to be supporting this amazing non-profit organization that empowers impoverished women in Uganda by promoting their beautiful beaded jewelry made from recycled paper.