Miracles of Mindfulness

Remembering what I learned at the recent Heart of Mindfulness retreat I attended at the beautiful Talaris Center in Seattle, presented by Erica Rayner-Horn, it's essential not to get caught up with preferences, of what I like or don’t like, what I want or don’t want, and instead accept what is right now in this moment and know and gain great relief from the fact that everything changes.  One great technique I also learned at the retreat is to take as many “mindfulness pauses” as I need throughout each day.  And to “perk up and lean in” rather than “tense and avoid.”  As I reflect on these wise teachings, I realize that I’m tensing and avoiding as I think about upcoming potential changes.  Instead I need to shift my perspective and become curious about the sensations happening in my mind, body and heart/spirit and perk up and lean into this feeling.  It’s counter-intuitive but I know that it’s important not to avoid uncomfortable things, but instead confront them and let them have their way with me so that I can let go and be free again.

Here are some specific examples of what I learned at this wonderful retreat:

• A review of what mindfulness is (the awareness that comes from paying attention in the present moment, in a non-judgmental way).
• Different methods to apply mindfulness to our daily lives, at work or at home: mindfulness pauses, daily meditation or deep breathing practice, body scan exercise, mindful walking and movement, mindful eating, slowing down to notice our feelings, sensations and surroundings.
• Suffering is equal to pain multiplied by resistance, and escalation plays a big role in suffering also. So much of suffering is because we’re not okay with what is, right now.
• Getting away from preferences or opposite “poles”--wanting or not wanting, liking or disliking and instead accepting what is right now in this moment.
• When faced with a difficult feeling or emotion, perk up and lean into it, rather than tense and avoid, which we tend to do naturally when afraid.
• Maintain a sense of openness and curiosity, especially when in physical or emotional pain, rather than tensing and anticipating something “bad” will happen.
• Release and let go of the constant need to judge things/people/events/memories/thoughts/emotions/feelings as good or bad; they just are.
• Accept what is, right now, knowing that change will always come.
• When triggered by stress, stop and take a mindfulness pause.
• Stay with the uncomfortable feeling and be aware.
• Bow to your experience and name it.  Label it and see how much easier it is to let it rest.
• Train yourself to notice your stress triggers faster and recognize how your mind, body and heart react.
• Note a particular thought or emotion and then release it or let it rest.  

Written June 20, 2013

My Nut Notes

My Nut Notes

Below are some of my notes and reflections on the Nutcracker Syndrome, otherwise known as renal vein entrapment.  I feel somewhat scattered and random about all my thoughts on the "Nut" but I hope these notes can possibly help someone else in the future when reading this blog. 

First of all, I should provide a definition and description of this syndrome to give my readers background information and better understanding of what's going on inside me.  From Wikipedia, "the nutcracker syndrome (NCS) results most commonly from the compression of the left renal vein between the abdominal aorta (AA) and superior mesenteric artery (SMA).  The name derives from the fact that the SMA and AA appear to be a nutcracker crushing a nut (the renal vein)."

After learning of my possible--now almost confirmed--extremely rare condition called the Nutcracker Syndrome back in February of this year, after the gastoenterologist sent me for a CT scan for what the ER doctor had called the month before “unidentified GI pain” that happened to return right around the same time of my menstrual cycle a month later, I felt overwhelmed and hoping it wasn’t this strange syndrome that had something to do with my kidney…my kidney?!  I was having lower abdominal pain way south of my left kidney.  I had been told I was really healthy.  So why was I having this extreme pain?  But when my gynecologist attempted to get rid of what he thought was endometriosis causing my symptoms, through a laparoscopy in late February, it came up void of any signs of endo but confirmed the presence of big-time varicosities over my left ovary, a very rare thing for a gal like me who hadn’t even had a baby yet.

So I stocked up on loose-fitting pants without zippers after the laparoscopy in February, thinking I’d only need them till I healed from the so-called “simple” laparoscopy day surgery, but I continue to use loose-fitting pants over 3 months later.  I noticed that when I feel achy pelvic pain coming on that can extend to my thigh and/or sciatica, sometimes I also feel a weird type of nausea that kind of overcomes me and makes me want to lie down and cry.  This feeling and type of pain I really struggle with and I’ve noticed it also makes it extremely difficult to stay positive.  I usually cry and feel hopeless when this type of pain hits.  This could be because I have tended to have this pain on the day when a stabbing pain attack occurs also and the memory of those attacks has traumatized me a bit.

The stabbing-in-my-uterus pain I’ve experienced hits once or twice on roughly Day 6 of my menstrual cycle ever since my first “attack” in January.  This is the kind of pain that sent me to the ER and urgent care center two months in a row.  This is the kind of pain that makes me cry out uncontrollably until I almost puke.  This is the kind of pain that makes me feel like God has prepared me well for labor.  When combined with nausea, it is literally UNBEARABLE.   Taking one vicodin with food and then a little later a half a pill seems to take away the stabbing feeling, and then I’m able to calm down but still left with the underlying pain.  I’m thinking valium could help calm me down quicker and then be able to breathe more deeply and not tense up as much.  Because my whole body can ache after an attack like that.

I have to believe that all this has happened when it happened for a good reason.  I believe a higher power, the Divine intervened and protected me from this pain until I was ready.  Even though I may not have felt quite ready to handle this pain when the first pain attack hit in January of this year, I was already physically fit, more emotionally stable after a tough and unexpected breakup and divorce in 2011, fully loved by a wonderful man, beautiful friends, amazing mom and supportive family and I had done many things I hadn’t even dreamed of doing in the past year, like pole dancing and burlesque performing.  I had begun to feel the weight of overactivity from the year before but I was beginning to center myself and try to be more balanced by caring for myself and having fun.  I also think that my stopping of the birth control pills I’d be taking since I was 16 because of extreme menstrual cramps back then and my weight loss may have contributed to the timing of the “Nut” surfacing (or resurfacing) in me.

I also have to trust that fixing the nutcrackering of my left renal vein will in turn relieve the pressure on my left ovarian vein and thus lower or eliminate the pain I am currently experiencing.  I know that for some women their varicose veins need to be tied off or coiled through embolization because they are too shot, but I have to trust what the vascular surgeon at the University of Washington, who sees 1-2 Nutcracker cases each year, says about my varicosities, that they are “unimpressive.”  This is positive!

I’ve become very “proactive” or as I may call it, obsessive lately about researching topics like: healing pain, chronic pain, managing stress and emotions, assertiveness, and anything to do with pelvic pain.  But I now feel inspired to share what I’ve learned or at least what I’ve experienced so far with the world, in hopes of helping someone in a similar predicament.  I think I’ve almost fully decided on going through with the open surgery, despite the 6-inch incision, 4-5 days in the hospital and at least 6 weeks of recovery.  It sounds like this is what’s best for my future, because my future includes having babies and being a momma.  If I only focus on my health and not on outside factors like being gone from work after taking on the supervisor role, the ugliness of a big scar down my newly skinny belly, the lack of energy that’ll come from surgery, the long recovery time, I think the open surgery is the best long-term solution.  I will not need to live my life in fear of the stent moving or live my life with constant pain whenever I try to dance or walk or stand for longer than a few minutes.  I just have to keep telling myself this, especially when the big surgery day comes and after when I’m healing slowly and starting to get antsy.  

Things that have helped me with my “Nut”

• Acupuncture and cranio-sacral therapy have allowed me to stand and walk around during my period for a couple of hours or more
• The heating pad is my friend and Castor Oil on a soft flannel with a plastic baggie over it and the heating pad on top is very soothing
• Soaking in Epsom salt baths has at least helped relax me and the magnesium is supposed to help minimize the bulging of varicose veins
• Envisioning and regarding my overworked, varicosed ovarian vein as “Vampirita” after watching the latest Twilight movie where Bella unconditionally loves her unborn vampire baby despite the baby sucking the life out of her
• Not being afraid of the pain and feeling strength in knowing or at least having a better idea of what (the heck) is actually going on inside me
• Affirmations have also definitely helped me come back to a positive outlook and attitude about my life when I feel like all hope has been lost or when I’m just plain frustrated, tired and in pain
• I've also been trying some different supplements to help improve circulation and to help decrease the bulging of internal varicose veins.  These are a few that the nice folks at Super Supplements recommended: Diosmin (a special bioflavonoid that strengthens the capillary walls), horse chestnut seed extract and butcher's broom root (both good for circulation and vein inflammation), Gotu Kola extract, celery seed extract, hesperidin (also good for regulating body temperature fluctuation), hawthorn and vitamin C
• I think following an anti-inflammatory diet might be helpful as well for general wellness and to help decrease the pain of inflammation
• Finding a supportive community of women who are going through similar struggles with their health called the Pelvic Congestion Syndrome Support Group, found on Facebook

Helpful links about the Nutcracker Syndrome

• Personal accounts of people suffering from the Nutcracker Syndrome: http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/220007/My-Nutcracker-Syndrome
• Description and images of the Nutcracker: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nutcracker_syndrome
• A different perspective and hypothesis on the Nutcracker: http://thinkccsvi.com/2012/01/20/lrv-youre-so-vein-you-probably-think-this-post-is-about-you/

I'd like to also include the names of doctors with experience treating the Nutcracker, as I have heard in some parts of the United States and other areas in the world, some doctors refuse to treat this syndrome because of its rarity and lack of information about it available.  My vascular surgeon, Dr. Mark Meissner at the University of Washington Vascular Center has treated various cases of the Nutracker Syndrome.  I feel very lucky to live in the Pacific Northwest where there are doctors who know about this rare condition.

If you are suffering from this rare condition, please don't give up hope. There are answers and solutions out there, but it does require a lot of patience and perseverance. Best of luck to you!

2011’s Lesson: Finding Love Within

I feel like a new woman today, one year after the man who I’d been with for 11 years told me out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore. I feel like the weight of this first year on my own has lifted and I can focus on my beautiful present and amazing future. I want to release all the pain and anger and just let what happened fade into memory now. I’ve analyzed, brainstormed, reflected and expressed what went wrong and why what happened between my ex and me needed to happen for me to become the woman I am supposed to be. So now I can release all that, let it go and give it to the cosmos and to God and really be present now to enjoy and appreciate all that I have.

I was reminded of this feeling of being a new woman in a dance class at the gym today, because one year ago next week, I went to the same dance class and caught a glimpse of how I would feel and what my life might be like in this new life filled with love and not fear. It’s hard to describe in words but the feeling I had in that glimpse was so powerful that it kept me going this past year, especially during the very difficult times. I reflect on why I may have felt that way so soon after my ex told me how he truly felt about me, and I realize now that it was empowerment and control over my life and my love that I felt that day after dance class one year ago. I caught a glimpse of how it feels to not be trapped in a love that is one-sided and can’t possibly give you what you truly need and desire, to not be dependent on someone else’s love or feel scared that they might not love you as much as you love them, that they might leave you but you’re too afraid to even talk about these real fears at risk they may come true.

It’s empowerment to not depend on a man to make me feel loved. It’s control to no longer believe that I won’t exist without this person’s love or that I cannot be happy or fulfilled in life without this person’s love. I now know with my heart, my big, beautiful, fragile, caring, tender, wide-open heart—or at least I’m learning—that I am worthy of love, of all the LOVE in the world, just for being me, just for being born, just for being my mother’s daughter, just for being one of Mother Nature’s and God’s children. I repeat: I AM WORTHY! I do not have to prove this to anyone or be afraid that this love will be taken away, because this LOVE resides inside me, and always will! God put this love in my heart when I was designed and created. I have just now discovered it and found the awe-inspiring, earth-shaking, powerful, wonderful, life-changing love inside ME! And I now know that through the process of getting my heart broken, I was able to find this love inside me. Sometimes you have to have your heart broken to find out that LOVE—true, beautiful, everlasting love—resides inside you, not outside.

What an incredibly powerful lesson to have learned this year and even more importantly to have realized and expressed, so that now I can truly appreciate the journey I’m on, where I’ve come from and where I am now. Wow! It’s an incredible feeling! Everything seems brighter or crisper or clearer in a way. To really believe or know in my heart that I will always be okay, that I will always survive, no matter what, is so inspiring. And to know that no loss of someone else’s love can take away the love inside me lets me finally rest in the faith I have been seeking this past year. This truly feels like I am discovering and recognizing faith, faith in the love that God designed for me, for each of us, that’s a part of our DNA, a part of our soul. NO ONE can take that from us!

Written on December 20, 2011 for my friend and co-worker, Kathy Jenkins's wonderful blog, Lessons from the Monk I Married. You can see my guest blog post on her site at: http://www.lessonsfromthemonkimarried.blogspot.com/2012/01/31-writers-31-lessons-lesson-17-find.html

Wise and Inspiring Quotes that Heal

In the past few months, life has given me the opportunity to start anew, reconnect with wonderful friends who truly love me, grow spiritually and begin to seek inner guidance from my own Divine self. I have learned that I have the skills needed to rebuild my life and become a stronger woman in the process of healing my heart. Below are some of the quotes that I have found in a variety of places that have brought me comfort in the present moment and also hope for a bright future. I hope they will help others as much as they have helped, touched and inspired me.


When every situation which life can offer is turned to the profit of spritual growth, no situation can really be a bad one. --Paul Brunton

I open new doors to Life. I rejoice in what I have and I know that fresh new experiences are always ahead. I greet the new with open arms. I trust life to be wonderful. --From www.vitalaffirmations.com

I am positive, hopeful, and optimistic that I am on my authentic path in life. --From www.healmybrokenheart.com/positiveaffirmations

Para muitos, ser feliz nao e questao de destino. E de escolha. --Leonardo Boff

True happiness is not "out there" but a presence of inspiration and love that we must reconnect with inside ourselves. --Gabrielle Bernstein

We don't know what life will bring, so it is waht we bring to life that matters. --Patricia Campbell Carlson

Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy? --From The Course Of Miracles

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. --Mark Twain

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. --Victor Frankl

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls, to arrive at its destination full of hope. –-Maya Angelou

Embora ninguem possa voltar atras e fazer um novo começo, qualquer um pode começar agora e fazer um novo fim. --Chico Xavier

Fall in Love or fall in hate, Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or a lie. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine Chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breath. And enjoy the ride... --Solbeam

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything they have. --Unknown

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile. -- Unknown

My Book Addiction

Maret's book montage

Maret's favorite books »

}

The Village The Beads Built: BeadforLife

I feel so proud to be supporting this amazing non-profit organization that empowers impoverished women in Uganda by promoting their beautiful beaded jewelry made from recycled paper.

Julita Linda

Click here to view this photo book larger

My Second Home, Salinas

To cheer myself up today, on a dreary, rainy August Seattle day, I decided to write a poem about my beloved second home, Salinas in Ecuador. I should probably translate it into English someday, but for now, this is what came from my heart.


Salinas

Oh, mi querido Salinas, como te extraño
Extraño tu malecón, tu iglesia amarilla, tus bares y restaurantes
Extraño tu cevichelandia, tus taxi-rutas, tus edificios y calles
Extraño tus palmas, tu arena, tus canchas de volei
Extraño tus “mangos chupa mangos,” tu Pilsener, tus ricos encebollados
Extraño tu amistad, tus chupas, tus viajes locos a Montaña
Extraño tu gente, tus perros callejeros, tus lagartijas (pero no las cucarachas!)
Extraño tus caídas del sol, tu Mar Bravo, tus focas y surfistas
Extraño tus Patas Moradas, tus viajecitos en bote, tus ballenas (que no he visto todavía)
Extraño las sopitas, los batidos, los patacones y maduros fritos
¡Te extraño, mi lindo Salinas!

Following My Teaching Roots

For the longest time, I've avoided becoming a full-blown teacher, despite the fact that many of my relatives are or were wonderful teachers and had rewarding careers. I've always been attracted to the profession though and all it has to offer. I love helping people of all walks of life and from all over the world. I love learning languages and other topics and sharing what I've learned with others. I enjoyed creating my own lessons in Ecuador when I taught English to young adults (even though I had no training). I loved co-teaching middle school girls a color guard routine for the Salty Sea Days Parade back in high school. I currently enjoy solving different grammar mysteries or sharing helpful community resources with the adult immigrant and refugee students I advise.

While I was in Ecuador this last trip in March (before I got horribly sick with a strange form of something like "Atahualpa's Revenge"), I was told that I'd be a great teacher. I decided to look into this idea further and finally follow my roots. First I had to find out what it would take to become a teacher in Washington State. Three months later and after reading oodles of paperwork and websites, I found a few programs that fit what I'm most interested in, which is teaching ESL, Spanish and bilingual education. It's quite a complicated process to become a certified teacher in Washington State, but teaching in the K-12 system was recommended to me by an experienced community college teacher and friend who thought there'd be more a chance of getting a full time position in the public schools. (Getting a full time position teaching ESL in the community colleges is nearly impossible.)

One amazing program at Seattle Pacific University is for a Masters Degree in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages, along with a K-12 teaching certificate in ESL. If I decided to go with this program, I could also take a few extra classes in order to get my Spanish teaching endorsement and possibly Bilingual Education endorsement. The MA TESOL plus teaching certificate program takes 2-3 years to complete in the evenings after work. A wonderful aspect of having my MA in TESOL is that I would have the ability to teach in the community colleges (at least part time) or abroad and I would also have my teaching certificate to be able to teach in an elementary, middle or high school. In our current economy with numerous hiring freezes, having more options sounds like the safer way to go.

I haven't decided what age group I would prefer to teach though. I really enjoy working with different age groups. I taught an Earth Day lesson in my dear friend, Julie's adult ESL class this past spring. I've taught young military adults English in Ecuador. I've worked with middle school girls before. I observed recently at the dual language elementary school, Woodin in Bothell in the Kindergarten, 1st grade and 2nd grade classes and absolutely loved seeing the American and Latino children reading in Spanish!

Gaining literacy in your native language and a second language is such an important issue to me. And there's a really neat program on Bilingual/Bicultural development for Preschool through Elementary school at Goddard College in Vermont. It's a low-residency program, so I would only have to go to Vermont twice a year for a week and then work on my own the rest of the semester with a faculty advisor. Goddard focuses on social justice and progressive education which sounds excellent to me and a great way to incorporate cultural competency in my teaching! The flexibility of the program--working on my own versus commuting to class several times a week would cut down on time, but I would also have to be very dedicated and not procrastinate. I think the program would probably take 3 or 4 semesters, but I still need to find out if there's a way to get certified through Washington State, even though the college is in Vermont.

Western Washington University also has a great program for a Masters in Teaching Secondary Education, where I may be able to get my Spanish teaching endorsement, but in order to get an ESL endorsement, I would have to go to Bellingham (3 hours north of here) or study at a different school for the endorsement. I also have to translate my syllabi from the classes I took in Ecuador 10 years ago to find out if those classes would count towards the Spanish teaching endorsement requirements at WWU.

So my big debate is deciding between focusing on teaching ESL and/or Spanish to various age groups versus teaching both languages in a bilingual elementary school. Unfortuantely there aren't very many dual language schools in the Seattle area, so jobs may be hard to come by. I'm planning on volunteering in the classroom more regularly next school year to help me decide. The biggest difference between both interests is that teaching in a dual language elementary school usually requires an elementary education teaching endorsement. If I study in the SPU program, I would have an ESL endorsement but not an elementary education endorsement. The elementary education endorsement requires a wide variety of classes, from lab science to math so I would probably have to take more classes. And my main interest is teaching languages.

I found an exciting 4 day course at the Washington Academy of Languages in Seattle, near SPU, that is offered this summer on Teaching World Languages. I'm hoping to get funding to take the class through Professional Development funds at my work. This will also help me to see if teaching Spanish is more my passion. I'm really fond of all of these areas--teaching ESL, Spanish language and bilingual education. But it might be smarter to focus on one of these so I can complete my degree faster and then be able to start teaching!

This month I'm going to start teaching my very own adult ESL class through Hopelink as a volunteer on Tuesday nights in Bothell. My class will be a level 1 class of Spanish-speakers. I'm excited for the challenge and to be able to plan my own class again! Hopefully this experience will also help guide me to the best path in teaching.

Teaching on Earth Day

I had the fortune of being invited to teach a mini-lesson in my co-worker and friend, Julie's adult ESL class recently and the day of the lesson happened to fall on Earth Day, so I decided to go with it and make that my theme. I found that I really enjoy teaching about protecting the Earth and sharing ideas with others. I wanted to share some of the students' ideas with you here on my blog.

Ever since I went to Ecuador this last time (a quick but delightful trip) in March, I've been looking into different teaching certificate and Masters programs in the area. I'm interested in teaching Spanish and English as a second or foreign language in the public schools and possibly at the community college level. I have wanted to learn more about bilingual education for many years now and I'm excited to finally be pursuing this interest. I feel lucky because I currently work in a community college and if I study in a program that is state-supported, I can study for free through the tuition waiver program! I have been collecting a lot of information about the different teaching programs in the area and how to become endorsed or certified in ESL/ELL/EFL, Spanish and Bilingual Education. I plan to put all of this information on my blog as well, because I have found it more difficult than I had first imagined to find basic information about studying to become a language teacher north of Seattle.

But first, I'd like to share some of what my dear friend, co-worker and travel companion, Julie's Level 3 (beginning-intermediate) adult ESL students wrote about Earth Day and what they do to protect the environment. I found what they wrote very inspiring and it gave me hope to read about what they are already doing. They also had wonderful, simple ideas for helping the Earth. I'm going to leave what they wrote as is, with grammar and spelling errors and all, for authenticity purposes. (Some students may have used those little electronic translators to write their sentences. It's quite obvious.)

"I usually go to the market with my mom to buy food and I use my bag to put on it"

"If my son buys soft drink, he always throws can or bottle in the Recycle."

"I never thow the garbage into ocean or in rivers"

"My family and me recycle at home, all the time."

"I turn off the light, when I don't need it."

"I usually take the bus to work everyday."

"My husband goes to work with 3 of his friends."

"I buy food in bulk 1-2 times per month to reduce packaging"

"I separate glass, plastic bottles, aluminum, and paper from the garbage everyday."

"I throws my new papers in the recycle."

"My husband throws the food container in the garbage every day."

"I shall take away rubbish from apart recycle"

"is very important for the future for our descendant have a good enveroment conmingle garbaje what can back used as: glass, paper, carboard, bottles, plastic, bag an box"

"too no utilize (Detergentes o soap) what is no good for the contamination of sea aqua, lakes and low floor, do no utilize car for go to a localities close."

"My children and I pick up the garbage in my yard every weekend"

"I drink beer then put it in bottles in Recycle Box."

"...we are totaly vegitarian and our all food is organic..."

"My mother-in-law through garbage with carefully. She sought out it beautiful way-cardboard, waste bottles, batteries, and all waste material throughs in Recycle dustbin."

"my aunt plants tree and any plants (flowers) every year."

"my grandfather very like eat onion, dill and more vegetebels for his garden."

"I buy organic, eggs and milk every two weeks...My husband buys organic fish."

"I plant vegatables every spring."

"I buy something incide more plastic bag and put those bags in the garbage"

"My son drink milk in bottles every day."

"I buy new paper "Time" every day, my husband reads and puts it in the recycle."

"I buy organic fruit and I'm separate carboard and garbage...I'm refuse to use plastic bag...I trying to use as little water as I can and I plants tomatoes and tomatillos strawberres cucumbers"

"I put the can and box, bottles and I separate paper, and grass, I never throw paper on the way."


Some of these really make me smile, but I was so impressed by all the creative things the immigrant and refugee students are doing to help the environment. I hope to help out in Julie's class again before the end of the quarter. They were really fun to work with and very enthusiastic!