Trying to Be Brave and Not Beating Myself Up When I'm Not

When did it become the ideal to show a tough face and not show any real emotions when your mom's having a health crisis? Isn't it just as wonderful to see how very much someone loves the person who is in crisis and how they let their emotions flow and their love surround that person? And wouldn't it be cool if your tears were interpreted as a sign of strength? Wouldn't it be neat to be applauded for how well you're dealing with a crisis by how much you're releasing your emotions and being okay with them, not fighting or repressing them?

I never imagined that these past 7 and a half months of daily practice would be preparing me for such a crisis. But a week ago tomorrow, my mom passed out and was rushed to the ER and then rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding in her brain. All my daily stressors seem so trivial when I think of the amount and kind of stress I've been under these past 7 days. But I also mustn't undermine my feelings or make comparisons like that, because stress is stress. And although I'd love to rant about how much I hate stress, that's not accepting that it exists, that it's a part of each of our lives, and that the best possible thing we can do is learn to accept what we're feeling when we're feeling it and then let it pass. 

Trouble can come when we don't let that stress pass through and it gets stuck somewhere inside us. As I learned in a meditation retreat I attended 3 years ago, act as if you're a maître de and usher it in, letting the stress pass right by you. Of course in my case, at the present time, the stress can't exactly pass right by--instead it's looking at me straight in the face, but I can at least recognize it, honor it, accept it, give it a hug, and then let it pass through me or breathe it out. If I reject it or pretend I'm not feeling it or act as others expect me to act or want me to act, then I'm not honoring my experience nor my feelings nor my reaction or response to given event, and I'm also not letting the stress pass through me. 

So I'm here to say that this is rough. I wax and wane. I'm not always strong. Sometimes I'm a wreck. It pains me so much to see my mom in pain. I hate leaving her every night, but I'm so so grateful for her excellent care in the ICU and I'm so so thankful for each and every baby step she makes towards recovery. I am proud that my love for her is so big and strong that it tears me up to see her suffer. I am glad I have the ability to express my feelings and not feel inclined to bottle them up and file them away inside me. I choose to release my emotions by expressing them and sharing them. I am so fortunate to have the love and support of my mom's many friends and our family. I am so honored to be this amazing and courageous woman's only daughter.